Hooking Up

Remember when I wasn't sure I was a f*ck buddy type girl? Well, turns out, I kinda can be. The past few months I've re-hooked up with Library Guy on occasion. It's often under the guise of "stress relief," or a few hours of company, or what the hell why not, but it's happened. Not regularly, but enough to not be blips and moments of weakness. And I don't know how long or if this is going to continue either.

I've tried to rationalized and justify it (mainly to myself), but there's not much to it. There are no expectations beyond the physical, and there's no one else for either of us at the moment. Yes, ultimately I want a boyfriend, but I know it's not going to be in the form of him.

And truth, having this semblance of a couple, even if it is only for a few hours makes me feel better. I've put on weight since the summer, school kicked my ass and I've been lonely. So here's a guy who despite the weight still thinks I look great (yes I know he could be saying that just to get in my pants. It works), doesn't talk about school with me, and is a few hours of dirty/sexy/fun company.

It stops when it gets complicated or when either one of us wants/starts to see someone else. But it's not there at the moment. This works for those moments in time when I need it to. It's not the greatest arrangement ever known to man (that would be oreos and frosting. Or wine and everything), but it's not the worst (that would be the Laura/Katie roommate situation of 2000) either.

I admit thinking when I drive away, I'm going to have to stop this eventually since it's not going anywhere. But, it's not going anywhere so... Why not? It's a tightrope I find myself mentally balancing on each time. And then a few weeks later when he mentions a dirty/sexy/fun time, I throw my emotional caution to the wind and toss out dates that would work for me. How come I can throw that around like a pro, but an actual physical throw I can't hit the broad side of a barn?