Cap and Gown

Childless-20-something-year-old me: yeah little kids are cute in those graduation caps but the gown seems a bit extra for a preschool/kindergarten graduation. But whatever, to each their (overkill) own I suppose.

Two kids 38-year-old me with her first kid graduating preschool: OMG look how fucking cute she is in that pint sized cap and gown! I'm taking a vacation day, we're going to go out for lunch after the ceremony and she gets to pick dinner that night. Maybe we should get a cake and balloons and invite the grandparents and lets do...

Kindergarten bound! One extra mom right here!

   

Jack of all trades, Master of none

Except. That I am going to get my masters!

My grad school letter came yesterday, finally!  After 3 phone calls and a billion nerves wasted, I was told that a decision had finally been made.  I just had to wait for the letter since they couldn't tell me over the phone.  I honestly wasn't expecting it to come after the new year with most of the staff at the school off for the holidays, but I was oddly settled and ok with waiting since I knew the decision had been made.

The letter came yesterday.  And I'm in!

Provisionally, but I'm still in.  And I'm classified as out of state too.  But I'm still in.  Mike and I will take a closer look at everything and figure out the logistics of everything soon.  What I may end up doing is deferring a semester so my residency status can change. I may go part time for a little and take a little longer to get the degree.  But we'll figure that out soon enough. Right now, I'm just going to enjoy that I'm in, and have pride knowing that I will get my masters.

Pretty good Christmas gift!

Grey or Gray? Either Way, It's Not My Favorite Color

Apparently being too terrified to get the mail and doing nothing but worrying about getting into grad school was too much for Mike to handle.  So he made me call the grad school for my admission status this morning since classes start in a month.

I was right to be worried.

Someone in the grad school office looked up my name and the reason the decision was taking so long.  And then I talked to her supervisor to explain things. I was told that a decision has been made, but there are still some questions about my gpa.  So my application has been forwarded to the department head's attention.  Who is in Dallas the rest of this week and not looking at my application. So as of this moment, my admission status is still in a "gray area."

That? Is not a yes. It's not a no either, but... it's not a yes.

This has to be based on my uc gpa. Because my uk cumulative gpa was a 2.9.  I have nothing to show for my 6 years at uc except a low gpa.  And there is nothing I can do to change that.  So now I'm just wishing and hoping and praying that cincinnati hasn't kept me from something I want once again.  Last year when I walked at my graduation, I believed I had finally triumphed over that school.  I had nothing to be embarrassed about anymore. I could hold my head high and say I earned this, and cinci couldn't take anything away from me anymore.  I should have known better.

Needless to say, I'm even more anxious now.  I've said that I would apply again and look into other programs if it didn't happen this year.  But if my gpa is the reason for their hesitancy, there's nothing I can do to change that and this is just going to keep coming up, no matter what school I apply to.  I'm still at the mercy of other people's acceptance.  

Gray sucks.

Paper

I? Am seriously going nuts waiting to hear about my admission status from grad school. My nerves are litteraly shot to hell just waiting.
Yeah I knew I would have to wait and I have to be patient.  And school starts in just over a month.  But what really sent me over the edge into crazy-wait was when I received an email from financial aid saying I needed to update something.  I had sent in my fafsa the day before in a move to be prudent (though I really didn't want to because I'm terrified I jinxed something by doing so).  I can check my financial status by using my university id which they gave me in the email, and then find out my pin once I logged in with my university id. 

An university id! You shouldn't get one of those if you're not a student, right?  RIGHT???  I log on, get my pin, and then proceed to clink link after link to become even more confused and a babbling mess about my status.  Because while I can be found in the university directory, when I tried to see what classes were available to me, I was told in bold print I am not listed as a student for any terms. Wha? On top of that, a few days before the financial aid email, I received the graduate school newsletter in the mail.  who do they send that to?  The graduate students? Anyone who applied?  Way to tease.  

And as crazy as I'm going, (just ask mike, I'm a bundle of anxiety) I'm too terrified to call the admissions office to find out my status.  I can't handle them telling me no.  I can't handle hearing you aren't good enough. Because I have heard it before, and it traumatized me. I got stuck spinning my wheels for 3 years because I didn't get a piece of paper.  And now another piece of paper seems to be the key in deciding my fate.

I really hope that I'm completely over reacting and that it's my impatience getting the best of me.   That really is the best case senario that I'm working myself into a tizzy for nothing. I'll apply again if I have to, and I'm poking around of another (accredited) program North Carolina.  All I need is that piece of paper.  But I'm still anxious as hell all the same.

matter

Yesterday I tried to enroll in a health care plan through work, but my employee number and name didn't bring up any records.  Which is odd and I talked to HR about it since my window for enrollment is still open.  But at the time, I felt like I didn't count with them I guess, and that the last few months have been nothing to them.  Because that was an unproductive portion of my day, in a cart before the horse move, I started to fill out my fasfa just in case I start school next semester. (Hey, wouldn't it be hysterical if I receive financial aid but don't get into grad school? A fcking laugh riot I bet!), but before I could file it, there was a discrepancy between the number of dependents and members living in my house hold.  I claimed that I am single/never married, because I am, but there are 2 of us living in my household.  Which is true, it's dr soc's house and I just live there.  But I guess the government doesn't understand that an "independent student" can still be dependent on other people.  So I had to list that there was no one else in my household.  

And that for some reason, really stung.  My ego was already bruised from applying for a job earlier in the day that I know I'm not really qualified for. My employee info not coming up for health insurance made me feel like I don't belong.  And now I have to say I don't have anyone at home with me.

I just felt like I really don't matter.  And that's a depressing place to go.

Hover craft

Today as I'm leaving for work (yay work!) I drove past the school bus stop on the corner of my street.  There was a mom waiting in her car across the street, while her kid waited at the stop.  I've heard of parents who do this, but I've never actually seen it in real life. 
I don't have kids right now so clearly I know how to parent and can say I won't be a hover parent.  But I can see the bus stop from my front window. So when the time comes for DC and SP to ride the school bus, I can at least hover from the comforts of my home and with my coffee. At least I've got that plan all worked out.

What I also don't get though, is if you are going to hover, then why don't you they just take the kid strait to school?  I know quite often that school isn't really on the way so this isn't an option at times.  But to me it feels like a waste of time to just wait there.

I took the bus to school, unwatched, in middle and high school.  Don't get me wrong, I tried to get out of it every chance I had, and once I was a junior, I was a snot and refused to take the bus.  But I also walked to elementary school since the school was in my neighborhood.  I walked (and later waited) in the snow, in the rain, in the freezing cold and in the blistering heat, along with the other neighborhood kids. We didn't get a badge of honor and we didn't expect any accolades for it either.  We had to walk, it was stupid not.     

Plus, getting ride to school from my parents, was impossible (they also never pulled us out for dentist or doctor's appointments either).  We would walk to school no matter what.  I'm serious, they never gave us a ride.  You think I'm just over exaggerating for this story's sake?  Well, here's this: When I was in 4th grade I played the cello, which was, yes, bigger than me.  It was too big for me to carry back and forth to school.  So on orchestra days, my mom would give the cello a ride to school and not me!

Higher Ed

So I took the GRE again yesterday.  The good news is that my verbal score went up 50 points!  However, my quantitative score went down 50 points....so I have the exact same score as I did before.

However, I feel ok about this.  Because this GRE, my verbal score was a 10 points higher than my quantitative score.  And I have a feeling that with library school, most want your verbal score to be the higher of the two.  After the test I felt good enough about it to even send my scores to the grad school I want to get into.  

I didn't study for my SATs or ACTs, and I still got into college.  And while I did study for the GRE, a distracted hour or two a day doesn't actually do much good.  But I feel ok about everything.  I was way more relaxed this time around, and the score I needed/wanted to go up did.
  
It's funny though, because I studied the verbal section more my first test, and ended up having that be my lower score.  This time I studied the math section more and that was my lower score.  So the moral of the story is, studying is bad.

Why Yesterday Sucked

Yesterday at 12:30 I took the GRE. It didn't go well. I was going to take it back in February, but I knew I wasn't ready, so I postponed it to March.

I studied, but not as well as I should have. I made the flashcards. I knew/learned cold about 75% of the top 200 GRE words. I took the practice test. But you know what I learned the most when I was studying? That I hate to study. It's so hard for me to get in that mindset first off, and as I recite words and definitions to the dogs, I keep thinking how much I'm not getting this and I get frustrated. And then I start to feel stupid. Which then sets me down the "who am I kidding I'm not smart enough to get into grad school mindset." I didn't want to keep postponing the test, so I figured I would put on my big girl pants, take the test, get a base score and go from there. By no means did I want to do bad on the GRE, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. And then, being the spawn of asian worry (thanks mom) I psyched myself out all the way leading to test day.

I didn't feel ready, I was nervous, and I had a lot of people cheering for me. Combine that with my self fulfilling prophecy so I took my low score really hard. I actually scored right around average, which isn't bad. It's not stupid, and for goodness sake I'm trying to get into grad school and people who do that are not stupid. But to me, it's a low score, I won't get into school with it, I'm so disappointed and it hurts.

But after the test was when it got worse. I then fought traffic for an hour, my gps got me little lost and I ended up in South Carolina, I was hungry from having just taken a 3 hour test that I didn't do well on, and it was freakishly hot day so I was sweltering in my car. I'm cranky as fck, and I come home to dr soc's hopefulness and phd. And then I read the good luck message my bestest buddy sent me and I am just heartbroken. It's one thing to disappoint yourself, but now I've disappointed other people too. Meltdown number 1 ensues.

Dr soc and I took the dogs for a walk and I started to calm down a bit. And then he got the mail which is nothing out of the ordinary. But what was out of the ordinary was I received a thin letter from the place I interviewed at last week. Thin letters from job interviews are like thin letters from college's you've applied at. And even though I knew what it was before I even opened it, reading we found someone else better fit for this position was the one-two punch my day didn't need. Bring on melt down number 2.

I didn't really want that job to begin with but that doesn't make it sting any less. The timing just sucked on it. Granted, getting it the day before or today wouldn't have been any better, probably worse. But it still sucked.

Monday I'll start over. I'll keep looking for jobs, and I'll figure out when to take the GRE again. I'll study differently and get my scores up. I'll find some sort of income even if it's part time working at target. But for the moment, I'm just going to lick my wounds, wallow in self pity and cry.

H2O

Scene: Dr soc and I are on our way into the gym together.

me (musing): I don't think I'm hydrated enough for my run but we'll see. At least this dehydration wasn't on purpose.
dr soc: Huh? What do you mean on purpose?
me (matter of factually): Oh, yeah. When I was at uc, during project week I usually didn't have time to pee.* So I would dehydrate and starve myself so I wouldn't have to take bathroom breaks.
dr soc (stunned): Oh my god! Seriously?
me: Yeah, I did it for years.
dr soc (shaking head): That's not healthy!
me: (snort) And you wonder why I have so many issues with that school.

* I also had even poorer time management skills back then too, hence the no bathroom breaks.

Higher Education

I just confirmed my appointment to take the GRE. ::eep::

Yep, I want to go to grad school. I wasn't sure if I would want to go back to school again after doing the same thing almost 2 years ago. But after working in a library it's pretty much only a matter a time that you want to be a librarian yourself.

However, to be a librarian you need to have a Masters in Library Science (sometimes it's masters of library and information science depending on the program). Masters means grad school. Which means I need to take the GRE (among many other things).

I found an accredited library school program in Charlotte which is what spurred the decision to at least try for it. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket since this is the only program I'll be applying to. But I have to try. And taking the GRE is one of the first steps in doing so.

Holy crap. I'm doing this.

The Wheels on the Bus Can Kiss My Ass

I've got a bone to pick with the city bus starting back in the summer. Actually, this could go back all the way to last summer, but I'll get to that.

First, this summer, I realized after waiting 50 minutes that they only run the bus I take once an hour during a certain time frame. So if you miss it, you have to wait an hour for it to come by. Which is bad if you have to get somewhere because you're screwed otherwise. And also this is bad when I need lunch because we know how cranky I get when I don't eat.

Second, the first day of class, the driver of my bus got me to my second stop late making me late for class. And then later that day, the one that only runs once an hour didn't stop at all at the stop I was at, even though myself and another student were waving them down. And that there were multiple people at the stop. And every other bus that had come by in the last half hour had stopped or at least honked to get people's attention. Mine just ignored us. Stabby ensued.

And third: yesterday I was waiting for the bus at the bus stop, and the driver barely stopped. He slammed on his breaks because he didn't see me sitting on the bench at the bus stop. And when I hop on and show him my pass, he tells me next time I need to stand so he can see me. How about you do your job and look at the mother fcking bus stop?

I'm starting to think it may be the drivers of this route though. Last spring there was one driver I liked a lot because he made sure he got me to the right stop in time to catch the campus bus, waited for me to cross the street so I could catch the bus home once, and also honked to get my attention when I dropped my wallet (that was later stolen and returned). No such luck this semester.

And back to last summer. The route was changed during the reconstruction of Limestone Street, so I had to get off a (huge) block earlier and then walk to class. Meanwhile, the other pithy college kids who cluster together in those apartments that are really just glorified dorms, they still get a campus bus that gets to drive on Limestone and takes them all the way to campus.

Never mind that I only get one bus that runs once an hour or any of those who actually need the bus and rely on it. But a they'll give a bunch of spoiled college kids multiple buses ever 10 minutes to take them from one end of campus to another because they are too lazy to walk. Ok, campus is huge and walking a few extra miles isn't as easy for some as it is for me.

But still bus system, how about we shape up?

And So It Begins

And so it begins, another semester of classes. Fall classes started on Wednesday. As seems to be my tradition, here's a list of random snark thoughts from the first week:

1. This book is recommended rather than required. Recommended mean I'm not buying it.
2. That guy has the pointiest head I've ever seen! And that blond buzz cut is a horrible haircut for his head shape. Telling him that is mean yes? But twittering that thought is fine, also yes?
3. You know what a boring class is? Anything with the words "ancient civilization" in the title.
4. The you're-going-to-hell-if-you-are-a-b-c -guy is back. Wow, he's starting early this year.
5. Sometimes I sing my abc's when I'm alphabetizing stuff.
6. Does everyone here wear some sort of greek shirt? Seriously, everyone.
   
7. Is the girl next to me typing a novel or a text message?
8. Does anyone really think that hiding the phone under your desk is fooling anyone? Really, staring at your lap with a notebook on the table is normal class posture.
9. Random girl in hall: "I haven't talked to him in forever. We're, like, best friends." Uh huh, can't be that great if you haven't talked in forever.
10. Text book prices make the baby jesus cry!

4 weeks

4 weeks. That's how my summer is broken up, in 3 separate 4 week increments of class. I just finished one 4 week session (fyi, now I see why you need an override to take 2 of these classes simultaneously, I don't recommend it). The next 4 week class starts the day after tomorrow (I thought it was an 8 week but nope, turns out it's 4). And then then a different/another 4 week of class the day after the middle class is done. (I'm taking 14 credit hours this summer)

And then I have 20 days between the end of that class and the start of fall semester.

Me want frozen yummy drink.

2 + 2 = Oh Right, You're a Bitch

Person X: And you are doing pharmacy?
Me: ah, well, I wanted to, but turns out chemistry was just too hard for me.
Person X: yeah, when your mom told me that's what you wanted to do, I thought: "but she's not good in math!"
Me: (defensively) actually, I'm quite good in math. I like math even. It's science I'm not great in and had a hard time with.
Person X: Oh that's right. Well, I knew it was something you weren't good at. But you're doing something much better suited for you now.
Me: yes, sociology is a lot easier for me, a better fit. And I'm doing well this semester. Thanks.

Still me in my head: wow, what a backhanded compliment? You shrew, I know you think I'm stupid. Not good at math my ass. I know this: if a = b and a = you're a bitch, then b = it's no wonder your husband cheated on you for 10 years and still left you.

Low of me? Yes.

But stupid? No.

Hi, Pot? It's Kettle!

Fake Blond 1: ohmygod, can you, like, concentrate when there are other people talking around you?
Fake Blond 2: No! Like when I go to the library and there are people there just, hanging out and stuff. Omg, there were these two girls in the cubby behind me like totally planning their cruise together! Ech, I was like, god, go somewhere else you know?FB 1: Oh I know, it's so rude!

This was the conversation going on behind me in my social theory class while were were breaking into small discussion groups. Apparently, it totally bugs them and they can't concentrate when someone around them is having a completely different conversation.
So then what do these two girls proceed to do? Talk the rest of class about everything else except social theory. (you know, the class we're in)

FB 1: Yeah, I used to go to ASU. There's a pool like every other house, even the dorms have them (um, duh, it's Arizona). And you know, I'm from Wisconsin, so I was like whoa! when I saw how small everyone's clothes were.
FB 2: God, I could not go there then, I would have such a bad body image! FB 1: It's not that bad really. It's a different type of pretty there. It's sorta skanky actually. It's like a fake kind of pretty (says the girl with an inch of roots in her blond hair).

At that point I stopped trying to ignore them and just gave in to my annoyance. I was going to be of no use to my discussion group at that rate. It seems that I can't concentrate either when there's a set of cast iron behind me.

School Night

So for our 2nd date, I suggested trivia because it's super fun and I would get fed at the same time. Win win situation, and we won best team name thanks to my creative (over opinionated) self, so, rock. We laugh and talk and hold hands across the table (when not writing answers obviously) and we know the chemistry is there. It was a fun night all around. But the night comes to a close and we must leave. We're about to head in different directions towards our cars but before we part we kiss goodnight. I had a bit to drink that night (I could still drive home), so I was way into the kiss goodnight. Hands-through-hair-lip-locked-leave-you-breathless-kind-of-kiss into it. And he like any red blooded male, responded just as enthusiastically.

It's only the second date and we don't even know each others' last names by this point, so we both knew we were not going to go home with each other that night (well, to his place, seeing as going to my place would be all sorts of icky). But it's not like the thought isn't crossing both our minds. So as we break apart one of us has to say something and
he says: too bad it's late...
and my response: yeah...and it's a school night.

Yep. I did. That just all sorts of dorky.
(hey, but he asked me out again, so woo hoo!)

Something Else

So the pharmacy thing. Not going to happen for me. Yes, it's a tough pill to swallow (oh hardy har-har there). But it's best to cut my losses now and stop struggling. My back up plan if pharmacy didn't happen was to be a chemist. And that's not going to happen either. Also a tough pill to swallow. But they are being swallowed. Albeit roughly, but still, I'm accepting it.

What I need to remember is that I made two huge decisions last year. To leave my fiance and go to school for pharmacy. Both were good choices. Both were smart choices. And both were right choices. But by making them at the same time, I bit off a lot more than I could chew. Not the going back to school in general, but I should have waited on what career to pick.

And honestly, I can't tell you why I picked pharmacy in the first place. I mean, there were reasons: the prestige, the money and the flexibility of it for my hypothetical family. Ok, all great reasons. It seemed like a really good choice. It still seems like a really good choice. But I can't tell you that it was always my dream and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Was it ultimately what I wanted to do? I couldn't tell you one way or the other.

So what now? Sociology. What will I do with it? I'm not sure yet. But I was working on a minor in it at uc, so this isn't too out of left field for me. But please don't ask questions or give sugestions right now. Because I've thought this through. I've thought everything in the past year and a half through. Absolutely everything. More than you could ever imagine. How to juggle a career and a family. How to get both of those. I've thought about going to grad school, I've thought about quiting school. I've thought about what races I want to run in the next few years to what gym clothes I'm wearing the rest of the week (I only have so many sports bras). I've thought of homes in Lexington or where I could move if I don't stay here. I've thought of every possiblity, long and short term, with every possible family situation, hypothetical and not hypothetical. I've thought. I've thought a lot. And this blog, is maybe 15% of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. But the one thing I was tired of thinking while struggling in class was this: I want to do something else. I just want to do something I'm good at.

Biology is GROSS

It happened. The lab I was dreading since this semester started. Ladies and gentleman, I had to dissect a fetal pig. When I saw the atlas and guide to the fetal pig's anatomy in my required textbook list, I was just hoping it was a joke. A sick joke, but a joke. And when the professor said we had to buy a dissection kit, I knew I would never see bacon the same way.

Yesterday was the day. And I was absolutely freaking the f*ck out. I whimpered as I walked into lab. The place smelled like cleaner and formaldehyde. Then bio-lab stockroom guy brings in the bin with all the piggies in their formaldehyde sealed bags. Two to a pack, how exciting! My stomach flipped (I thought it incredibly prudent to skip my between lecture and lab snack that day).

It was two people per pig, so at least I had a person with me. My poor lab partner had to deal with me squealing and borderline hyperventilating. But it was a team effort, and I eventually sucked it up once I got over touching the thing in the first place. I tried to console myself, rationalizing, I cook, I handle raw meat, I can do this. Umm, except that nothing I've ever cooked still had it's organs. And hair. Ok, why does a pig have hair? No seriously, don't tell me, I don't actually want to know.

But I calmed down enough, took a deep breath, gagged, tied the little guy (we had a boy pig) to the tray and cut. I even got to play with a scalpel. But there were moments I didn't do to good. I'll spare you the details of what set me off, because it's gross, but mainly because I don't want to remember it myself.

We played the what organ is this game (I think we cut off the gall bladder. Meh, like it has any use for it now) and get to clean up, but apparently we're not done poking/learning from the thing. The little oinker is in a bag with my name on it (no, seriously, we wrote our names on it), being kept for another week or 2. I have to do this again. OH. MY. GOD.

And just to add insult to injury, the dissection was only the first hour of the lab. We had to do a completely different lab the remaining 2 hours, one that did not involve cracking Piglet's ribs (too far?). In the midst of a place that smells of formaldehyde.

But hey, I didn't throw up like I had feared. And I didn't faint either, so thumbs up! And while I already knew this about myself, the lab made me 100%, completly, no if and or buts, sure, that I cannot be a doctor.

Right Answer

When someone asked me why I picked chemistry after 6 years of interior design, I said: "because there's a right answer." And there is most definitely a right answer. But that also means there's a wrong answer. Which is what I picked most of on that test (seriously, I didn't even get the partial credit ones. There is nothing good about this).

It's beyond disheartening. I felt that I did ok on that test. I was even starting to like chemistry because I foolishly thought I was starting to understand it.

I cannot get a C in this class. I'm a chemistry major number one. But if I get a C in general chemistry (any chemistry really), I have no hope of getting into a pharmacy school. No one will even look at me.

I'm not going to argue my grade. There's no point, there were wrong answers, and I picked them. It sucks (what's a stronger word for sucks?), but I earned my score because I didn't study correctly (at least I wasn't the lowest score - insert watery smile of victory).

All hope is not lost. There are 2 more exams plus the final. And you have the option of replacing your lowest test score with the portion of the final that covers the material. Assuming you do better on the final of course. I've gotten perfect scores on my homework so far, but that's only 10% of my grade. You get points for going to class (they keep track electronically through clickers), but that's only 5 points. I've gone to the chem help center and written my name down, so I'm trying. And it shows. But it's not going to get me an A if I don't ace the rest of my tests.

So this test is a huge blow. I'm still crying over it, because I really don't know what else to do for the moment. It's frustrating and demoralizing and just plain shitty.

But suck it up. I'm not the first person to fail a chemistry test. I won't be the last. I can study smarter. I can hire a tutor. And if pharmacy isn't an option for me, then...

I guess I'll figure something else out.

I suck

I failed 2 of my 3 exams.

Not just bad ominous feeling think I failed. I have the answer key. I failed.

Great way to start the semester huh?