OMG

So, my 40th birthday came and went with a blown tire, a rapid pickup of the children and a broken air conditioner. Oh well, that’s life.  **shrugs**   The next day I shifted focus to Girl 2’s 4th birthday party in 9 days and another mini- vacation with all the extended family and all the hostessing that includes. Somewhere in that time frame dr soc had a nose job (okay, it was sinus surgery. But calling it a nose job is better for teasing because I love him), we set up a new big girl bed for girl 2, and somehow had to clean the house for all the company coming in because omg there are going to be 11 people in my house at the same time. 

Friday before the party I text dr soc with the last minute party/grocery shopping and come home to a clean house too. God I love that man. But something was slightly off. No one was downstairs like usual when I come home from work, and the sofa tables are cleaned off with the exception of a purse I didn’t recognize.

me: I’m home! Hey who’s here?
dr soc: What do you mean?

me: Whose purse is this? (I’m not too concerned, and if even if it was his mistress if she cleans my house she can stay)

dr soc: - realizes the jig is up - Oh. As for who’s here…

My bestest buddie from when we were 11 and lives in Portland and haven’t seen in 6 years runs down the stairs.

MY BESTEST BUDDIE FROM WHEN WE WERE 11 AND LIVES IN PORTLAND AND HAVEN'T SEEN IN 6 YEARS RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS.

OMFG.

I’m in shock to say the least. I'm in disbelief and hugging her so tight because all the feels! I mean now I have to figure out dinner but that’s okay because omg my bestest buddie who I haven’t seen in 6 years has flown across the country to surprise me for my/our 40th birthday! 

But wait, there’s more! Dr soc has ordered food for tonight too so I don’t need to worry about dinner either. And speak of the devil, the doorbell rings. I open the door and it's sorta food but not really because  

It’s 4 of my best friends from college who live in 4 different parts of the country and haven’t seen in at least 2 years because of the pandemic standing on my front porch (to take me out for dinner).

IT’S 4 OF MY BEST FRIENDS FROM COLLEGE WHO LIVE IN 4 DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE COUNTRY AND HAVENT SEEN IN AT LEAST 2 YEARS BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC STANDING ON MY FRONT PORCH (TO TAKE ME TO DINNER).

Well now I'm crying tears of joy, my friends are crying tears of joy too and dr soc is welling up as well because he arranged for all of them to surprise me for my birthday on this particular weekend. That night we went out for Mexican food with margaritas college style but better because we're all 40 now and have disposable income.

And Saturday they came to girl 2's birthday party and then we had a night on the town. I had a girls' weekend and it was the absolute best.  

clockwise from bottom left: Jeanne - Cleveland, me -Charlotte, Priya -Portland, Nancy - NYC, Michele - DC/Maryland and LB - Orlando

SO MANY MILES 

Some of my favorite ladies

And my shoe exploded. It didn't just break, it exploded and ceased to function

Funtimes is an understatement. Amazing isn't a strong enough word to describe my friends. I was completely surprised and overwhelmed at how much I am loved.  A huge thank you to dr soc for making it happen, and another billion thank yous to my best friends for all the miles traveled!    

Life doings

So. My last mommy blog (okay, last blog in general tbh) in while was when girl 2 turned 3...almost a year ago now. So. Girl 1 has had a 21-22 year! She

Started kindergarten. First day!

Y'all I blinked! (no tears (from both of us) either!) 

Turned 6 with a princess party.

Thanks to our surprise guest Arial for making her princess party the talk of her class 

Broke her wrist. She fell off her scooter onto the sidewalk mid-May. Stay tuned for another blog on why dr soc and I are assholes. 

The cast came off in June so no more summer cast

And 'graduated' kindergarten and is first grade bound!

Y'all I blinked again!
(mom tears at this one, no lie)

Not to mention made new friends, started (and finished) gymnastics (the broken wrist put the kibosh on that), she's reading out loud to us now, went to a princess concert, and wants to be a ballerina when she grows up, amongst other life doings. She loves wearing dresses and is our little fashionista too. Physically she's small for her age just like her mom was, but she's healthy and growing on her curve.  She drives me crazy at times, but she is also one of the most sweet, most empathetic little human I've even met. And as cliché as it is, she really is growing up so incredible fast! 

Threenager

AAAAANNND....
She's 3!

Happy Birthday my Darling Girl!

10 years later

So. In 2008, that is 10, yes, 10 years ago, I started this blog with 100 things about me. 
Some things in that 100 haven't changed. Such as: 

• My favorite color is pink.
• I talk all the time unless I am exhausted or mad as hell.
• I do whatever Jeanne tells me (PS: buy her yarn!)
• I'm allergic to cats (including that mother f*cking one)
• Text talk is one of my biggest pet peeves.

Some things are in the past and therefore cannot change. Such as: 

• My appendix ruptured and had to be removed when I was 6.
• I had my belly button pierced until I was 21 when a drunk wrestling match went horribly, horribly wrong. 

Some parts of things have changed. Like: 

• In 2008: I know so much random pop culture stuff, but not as much as my friend LB. 
• In 2018: I know practically nothing pop culture unless I heard it on NPR. LB still knows more than me though so I have her explain things. Or have my (much) younger coworkers explain things to me (occasionally I get to tell them stories of my youth).  
• In 2008: I don't judge my friends. But everyone else is fair game. 
• In 2018: I don't cast my judgement net as broadly. I realized for the most part no one really knows anyone's story. So when I do judge it's typically warranted or I'm just being a bit (or lot) of an asshole.

And some things are just not the same at all. Like: 

• My dad was alive in 2008. He was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia in 2010 and up until he passed away in 2015 it changed so much. It changed my parent/child relationship with both my parents. It lead to some serious crisis's. I found courage I didn't know I had. The fights my mom and I got into. He died right before father's day and while I was pregnant with little turkey I'll never forget being there when he died, and how it it was one of the saddest and strongest moments of my life. I miss him so much and always will. 
• But the biggest most changing thing that has happened in 10 years is that I married the love of my life in 2012 and we have two children! 
• Because when I started this blog I had just broken an engagement. It HURT for a long time. It was hard. I grieved over my could have been, I vented. I cried. I was angry. I wished a lot. I wondered. I doubted. 
• BUT! Ultimately, many, many, much more wonderful things were a result of that broken engagement. Like having an epiphany. Discovering what I truly wanted in a a husband. I celebrated things. And came up with multiple, (often time) hilarious, random lists. So the day came and went and life moved on. 
• And life got better. I met dr.soc and we clicked pretty quick. He had 19 out of  21 of my husband checklist. I was so happy engaged to him and swirling around in the bubble of tulle. Sometimes I'm a great wife and other times not so much. Our marriage isn't perfect (no one's is) and there were tough times I didn't talk about here. But our marriage is good, it's strong, our anniversaries keep coming and I know I wouldn't love him the way I do if I hadn't given back that other ring.  
• AND, dr soc and I created our own family! Which changed everything. Parenting will probably be what this blog will be about more often than not. Sometimes I'm a great mommy and have instagram to prove it. Other times I'm bad mommy and phone it in. It's all about finding the balance. But now my future think is beyond my own lifetime. I'm willing to fight for things, to voice my opinion, and try to make the world a better place now for my girls. Motherhood is hard and very challenging at times, but it's also one of the most fulfilling and wonderful things in my life.  

So. Ten years later, here I am! I hope my life is just as happy in another 10 years. Thanks for reading y'all!  

Storytime

The other day at work "the walmart baby" story/movie came up in conversation and my coworkers, who are 21 and 23, were genuinely confused. How was this story even possible? Was it true? (no, but the movie was based on a work of fiction) How did she give birth at walmart? How come security or the camera's catch her at night? How was she able to even hide in the store in the first place? I've seen the movie but it had been a while, so I called upon my trusty sidekick the internets to fill in the the holes in my memory (that's how I found out it was based on a book). 

coworker 1: How was she able to hide in the first place? 

me: on accident at first. She's in the bathroom at closing time and when she comes out the staff has all left. After that first night she repeats the process and keeps a running tab of what she owes walmart for using.

coworker 1: Why didn't they check the bathrooms?

me: I don't know those logistics. I'm just telling you the plot. 

coworker 2: Why didn't security find her? Or at least a camera?

me: I don't know, they must not have needed security or cameras after closing.

both: Closing time? When did walmart close?

me: The movie came out in 2000. I saw it in the theater the summer I graduated high school.

coworker 1: I was...maybe 9 in 2000.

coworker 2: I think I was in 6th grade in 2000.

me::sigh:: Oh you dear children, back in my day in 2000, this was possible. Believe it or not, in 2000, not all walmarts were 24 hours.

both: GASP!

Grown Up

There are several signs that point to being a grown up. Some of the ones I have experienced are:

• I am willing to pay for convenience rather than find the cheapest option possible.
• I have nice cookware and know how to use all my kitchen appliances.  
• Guests stay in my guest room with a real bed and don't crash on the couch anymore. 
• Eleven o'clock is when I want to be home from a night out, not when I start my night out.     
• I will leave a place when it is "too loud."
• My grocery list consists of real food and is not entirely made up of cheap wine.
• I prefer to be addressed as ma'am. 
• I have no idea who is "singing" on the radio, and I'm not going to bother to find out either.
• I have my 20-something coworkers explain slag terms and current social media to me. 

But I think the biggest grown up significance of being a grown up is:
When I tell people I'm going to have a baby around Thanksgiving (yep!) the response is: Congratulations!

Den Mom

So I never saw this coming, but I really love NFL football. Growing up in Kentucky we only have one sport, (UK basketball), and even when I lived in Cincinnati I really just didn't care about the bengals. But when I moved to Charlotte, I decided I would be become a Panthers superfan, because I figured my (eventual-to-be) husband is a die hard Browns fan so I would be watching football anyway, I may as well cheer for the local team.
Turns out, I love the Panthers. Even when I first moved here we weren't that great (we had first pick in the draft! Wait.), I decided to be loyal. And I just adore our first round pick from last year, the young man Luke Kuechly. After Luke had a monster game, I decided I just loved him.  

However, the way I love him is like a momma lioness loves her cubs. He can stay in my spare bedroom, I'd tuck him in at night, and I'd make all his favorite foods (his NFL salary can cover the grocery bill it takes to feed a linebacker). And then I realized I had crossed yet another threshold into adulthood. Because my first thought was not: "I could be his girlfriend," it was: "I want to take care of him and make lunch." 

Young Love

When I saw the cover for the Hunter Hayes's album, I thought, oh look how young he is! Yes, I know I don't look like I'm in my early thirties, but he's 21 so he really is young, whereas I just look young. (I just realized I'm 10 years older than him).

Anyway, he's adorable. But he is definitely young, and his lyrics reflect that.
One of the lines from his new (catchy, if you ask me) single is:    

Hunter Hayes: I don't want easy, I want crazy.

Aww, that silly young boy in love. Because only young love wants crazy. Or at least is willing to deal with it. Because after you hit a certain age, "crazy" becomes: so not putting up with that sh*t.

Sign of the Times

When I woke up yesterday morning, the left side of my neck and shoulder were really bothering me. My run the day before hadn't been the easiest, but it was just this one spot and the rest of me didn't hurt, I figured I had just slept on it wrong and that it would work itself out on it's own as the day progressed.

Except, it didn't.

Later in the afternoon my shoulder/neck was still bothering me and I didn't have my full range of motion, despite using a heating pad and taking an ibuprofen.  And then I remembered. I am 31, and things hurt for longer now. It's still bothering me this morning too actually. Sigh, to be the nubile young thing that could wrench her shoulder out of its socket and to be able to brush it of as nothing like in my days of yore. (ok, that never happened, that sounds incredibly painful no matter what age, but you get my point.) There will be no more "work itself out 'on it's own'," and even the working it out part requires some assistance.

Young Pup

One of my coworkers is very young. Nineteen young. And here is proof of this:

Laura: Have you been to that music shop down the street?
me: No, I haven't. But I'm not really a music buyer in general though.
Laura: they have other stuff there too, a lot of movies. And they have something called...I think it's vee-nall?
me: Vee-nal? --beat-- Wait. Do mean vinyl?
Laura: yeah! those big black disc right?
me: oh. my. god. you are so young you didn't know hot to pronounce vinyl.

And with that, I turn 31. Yep.
Happy birthday to me!!

Good Things

Good news!
I accepted a full time library position yesterday! Full time! With vacation and sick time! And benefits! I finally, finally have a grown up job! (I may have jumped up and down while giggling and clapped my hands like a seal after accepting, so acting like a grown up, not so much. But that doesn't make my job any less grown up, just the person who has it now. Suckers!)  

And in other good, but sad to me news, I found a new family for Bailey. Someone my sister works with is going to adopt my girl and Bailey's new family is super super excited. So even though my heart is breaking over losing her, I am happy that she'll be happy and that her new family is happy to have her. It's the best possible outcome for such a sucky (for me) situation.

So. Good things. Yeah. Good things.

Grown Up Gifts

Today is my husband's 33rd birthday. So clearly, this is what I got him:

the sign says: ROAR! That's: Happy Birthday! in dinospeak

An inflatable T-Rex. Obviously.

And these are the cupcakes I sent him work with to share with his coworkers.

It was either sports or princess cupcake liners.
You can see why I chose the way I did.

He wouldn't let me decorate them with the little "score!" flags. Something about those not being professional?

Just wait and see what I have planned for 40!
Happy Birthday Honey!

100 updated things about myself

When I started this blog 4 years ago I did a 100 things about myself as a way of introducing myself to the blogospher. And since lots of things have happened in that past 4 years I figured it was time for an update. Blue are new, or things I have updated/or added more snark to.  Enjoy!

1. My favorite color is (still), pink
2. I’m a complete girly girl
3. I’m really 5’4 1/2”, but I claim I’m 5’5”
4. My lucky number is 4
5. I prefer even numbers over odd.
6. I'm a talker. No ifs ands or buts about it.
7. If I’m not talking, I am only one of two options A: exhausted or B: mad as hell
8. I can keep a secret in that I won't tell someone the actual secret itself. But I can't keep that I have a secret, secret.  
9. I'm in graduate school pursuing my masters in library and information studies. I will know everything! 
10. I am trying to take over the world one circulation desk at a time.
11. Though very happily married to the love of my life, I don’t believe in “the one”
12. I moved 20 times in the 10 years. My next move will be in the ground
13. My default favorite ice cream and cake flavor is strawberry. The main reason: It's pink.
14. My favorite pie of all time is blueberry. 
15. I have two dogs, who I love dearly, even though they are both so so naughty and spazztastic.
16. I don't think I could ever have another puppy, despite my husband's claim that our kids will convince me other wise. 
17. I cry weddings. But not as much as I thought I would at my own. I was doing great at the rehearsal until Mike lost it and it was sob city the rest of the night.
18. Mike, who has his PhD in sociology, married the worst sociologist ever much to his chagrin.
19. I love to cook and am always trying new recipes.
20. I consider a cookbook an awesome gift
21. Though my baked good may not turn out super pretty, they at least usually turn out super tasty.
22. One of my biggest pet peeves is a picky eater over the age of 7.
23. I will try almost anything food wise at least once.
24. But I loathe cooked carrots, I cannot get past the texture.  It's the same reason I won't eat pate.  
25. Though the reason I can't eat eel is mental. 
26. My husband and I both get super cranky if we don't eat at regular intervals. It's how we know we'll always take care of each other.
27. Lace is my favorite fabric
28. I have spent around $100 (give or take) at almost every single Victoria’s Secret semi annual sale I have been too.
29. I have a lot of underwear, clearly
30. I got the saying “clearly,” from Jeanne
31. I do whatever Jeanne tells me
32. I have some of the best, most supportive friends in the world. I'm really lucky in that way.
33. I met my husband through eharmony, and it was worth ever penny.
34. I’m allergic to cats
35. I love twitter.
36. I can't speak another language. I took both French and Spanish in college and I get the two mixed up all. the. time.
37. I love roller coasters, but I most definitely can't handle them like I could when I was a kid.
38. I don't like the enclosed water tube slides anymore. I somehow developed a slight fear of becoming stuck in one, so decided that I am 30 and I don't have to like them if I don't want to.
39. My appendix ruptured and had to be removed when I was 6
40. I had my belly button pierced until I was 21; I took it out after a drunk wrestling match went horribly, horribly wrong
41. I don’t have any tattoos
42. Honestly, I think 99% of tattoos are unnecessary. My exception here, is the Olympic ring tattoo. 
43. I am an Olympic junkie. I love the summer ones more, but London I couldn't get enough coverage.
44. Water polo? Is like, the coolest thing to watch. However, handball, is lame.
45. I think Bob Costas is an ass.
46. I don't think there's a point in being mean just to be mean.
47. I have cut my hair and donated it 3 times so far.
48. I am a born and bred proud Kentucky girl. I love all things bourbon, the Derby, and my Wildcats.  
49. Wine is one of my favorite foods. 
50. Wine goes strait to my head and then makes me sleepy
51. Laugh all you want, but being a light weight doesn't suck.
52. I cannot parallel park
53. I think poetry and most song lyrics are an absolute waste on me
54. I think “Sweetest Day” is a bull shit holiday. (unless you buy my chocolate honey. that's cool)
55. I don’t play sports with balls and teams, but I do love going to sporting events. Mainly for the food.
56. I love my Carolina Panthers!
57. Because I love my husband very much, I cheer for the Browns as well (unless they are playing the Panthers. All bets are off when it comes to my Panthers).
58. I love fantasy football. Seriously
59. My husband has himself an excellent football wife.
60. Hubby and I are the only people who do not watch American Idol
61. But we love watching countdowns on the NFL network and so bad they are awesome syfy movies.
62. My husband hates the term hubby, yet I continue to use it.
63. I do need my coffee in the morning to function, but I truly enjoy it as well
64. I bite and/or pick at my nails when nervous or stressed.
65. I'm always slightly disappointed when I open google and it's not a google doodle.
66. I think google is trying to take over the world, and I'm totally ok with that.
67. I think rude people are unnecessary
68. I have wide (yet tiny) feet.
69. I believe in karma.
70. I don’t judge my friends and as much as I used to in general.
71. But I still judge a lot more than most.
72. I hate picking out paint colors
73. I may never look back on my time in daap fondly or with rose colored glasses. I worked my ass off and it was absolute fucking hell. 
74. However, I made some of my best friends ever there, so it wasn't a total wash.
75. I’ve run 5 half-marathons and one full one by now.
76. I do consider myself a runner, albeit a slow one.
77. I am an excellent hostess and throw a really good bridal and baby shower.
78. Not being allowed to help with my own bridal shower drove the party planner in me nuts.
79. I will never sky dive, because it scares the ever living crap out of me.  And I have forbidden my husband from ever doing so as well because I see no reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
80. I have also forbidden him from swimming with sharks, getting a motorcycle, or anything else that could get him maimed, even though I'm now on his life insurance.   
81. Text talk is a pet peeve of mine and Mike's. When I got a text message with you-s instead of u-s from him, I took it as a sign to keep him.  
82. I’m terrified of snakes. TERRIFIED.
83. While I'm not super terrified of spiders and can kill them myself, I still prefer that my husband kill the really big ones. 
84. I used to know all sorts of pop culture stuff, but now, I can't even tell you who's in the top 40. But I can tell you about the awesome story I heard on NPR.
85. I big poofy heat love NPR. I also got "big poofy heart love" from Jeanne.
86. Target is my happy place.
87. Patience is a virtue I am slowly learning in dealing with my dad's disease.
88. At 26 I became so much stronger than I ever realized I could be.
89. I have the worst passport photo ever
90. Somewhere down the road there I turned into my mother, but not quite as neurotic. Yet.
91. I don’t really trust vegans.
92. But I don't trust girls without girlfriends most of all.  
93. I will watch any move with a dance sequence.
94. I think loneliness is one of the most heart breaking things in the world.
95. But I believe that hope is one of the most powerful and amazing things to exist
96. I’m a silver lining kind of girl
97. I do believe in the inherent good of people and that most mean the best intentions; it just doesn’t always come through.
98. Sometimes I think I'm actually a grown up
99. I cannot live without laughter.
100. I believe in a happy ending

TADA!!

Take Me Away

I wish I got to go on more weekend getaways. Really just more vacations in general.  It sounds easy enough to pack a bag and drive to a new destination a couple hours away.  Not to mention we live within a couple hours of the beach and the mountains, so there's a decent amount of destinations in our radius.

But unfortunately it's not that simple or that cheap for us.  First we have to find someone to watch the dogs. My work schedule when I worked retail was all over the place so planning some time off is a process.  And there's the financial aspect of it. While the groupon getaways* themselves are fairly reasonable and we've had good luck with the two we've used, there are other costs that add up. The gas to get there, eating out, any activities we do, the dog sitter/boarding, all of that adds up. The wedding and honeymoon are over (and paid for), but we just put several hundred (several, several hundred) dollars into my car to fix it, and I need a crown (and not the pretty sparkly kind princesses wear either) in a month which, *cries*.  And extra income is being allocated into accounts for school,** paying off my credit card, and rebuilding dinocroc's braces fund*** (savings), not vacay.

We just took our honeymoon which was great and much needed. But there probably won't be many more instances like where we can both take time off like that.  Or really any time off for that matter.  Now with me being in school full time and working 3/4 time between 2 part-time jobs (and no benefits!), my schedule is packed.**** Hopefully by the time I receive my masters I'll have a full time job (with benefits), which would definitely alleviate a lot of the school/work balancing stress, but that's also around the time to start family planning (and balancing in a whole different sort of way).  And then there's the part that once we have kids, we'll need to find a baby/pet sitter,* or take a family vacation.  Which don't get me wrong, I'm really looking forward to those because they'll be fun and great in their own way. But they certainly aren't quite as romantic as couple vacation.

But oh well, that's life. It's not the end of the world that I don't get to go on vacation. I just wish I had a few more of them or weekend getaways under my belt. That's all.

*I had to unsubscribe from the groupon getaways since it was making me sad seeing all the possibilities and knowing they're a no go. Great for the honeymoon deal. Not so good for everyday.
**we're trying to do grad school on no or minuscule amount of loans. And while I hope to be in school for only 2 years so it's not a huge strain financially, but it's a stressful way to go through school feeling like you're just an expense.
***fingers crossed they get my eyesight and my teeth since I didn't need braces.  And yeah my eyesight isn't great but Mike's is worse, so mine is definitely the lesser of two evils.
****I'm not in the plan my days in half hour increments mode yet, but it's around the corner.
* We're always going to have to find some sort of pet sitter anyway though since we definitely plan on having a family dog. But it still won't be a puppy.

Shocked

One night on our honeymoon before dinner Mike and I were at the bar pre-gaming and practicing our spanish. (not really. well, we were pre-gaming, but not so much the 'practicing' as it was butchering, but that's neither here nor there)  The bartender asked me how old I was and I had to think about it for a second before I remembered: Oh, I just turned 30.

He was shocked by my youthful face. Whereas I was shocked that I'm now at the age that I have to remember how old I am.

Sigh

Mother knows best

So. It happened. I've become my mother.

• We sound the same.  People get us mixed up on the phone all the time. Mike mistook me for my mom on the phone once.  And even I couldn't tell a difference one time!  I heard a message I left on their answering machine and thought, "why did my mom leave herself a message and call herself mom?"
• I keep things I have no use for and I can't explain why. (It doesn't mater that I haven't worn my leopard print shoes that are too big in 3 years! I can't give them up!)  However, it is broken and I can't fix it, I throw it out.
• I used to leave coffee mugs in the microwave. Though once I got a really needy microwave that freaks out if you don't come back to get your stuff, I stopped doing that particular thing.  But still, classic (my) mom move.
• I worry
• I can't eat something I cook without commenting on it.  I made this too salty, there's not enough flavor, maybe next time I should add, last time it was....ect.  
• I listen to NPR all the time in the car now.  As a kid I would have killed to listen to music in the car, but now I actively listen to it. I even gave them money this year like a grown up. 
• I search for cool things to watch on PBS. I am not however, a slave to my tv like she is and know how to use my dvr.

And then, finally the piece-de-resistance, the one that made it official:

• I actively search for a shady spot in the parking lot

And this is all for right now. Just wait until I become a mom!

Dependant

I may joke about getting used to rejection letters from jobs, but I'm never going to get used to it.  As more and more time passes between the time I recieved my degree and full time employment, I become more and more unhirable.  Yes, I have a part time job and I'm glad I have something and am making some money, but I'm still compleatly dependant on my fiance and my parents. How does that make a person feel good about themselves?

And as much as Mike tries to make me feel better about everything, he doesn't understand.  Even when he wasn't in a career, he was still in school working towards something.  He resigned a job with a horrible boss to start his shiny new teaching carreer in a shiny new city right away.  I don't begrudge him for having these good things because he's worked very hard and deserves them.  But he's not stuck in the shiny new house, in our shiny new city, continiously searching for a shiny new job to start my shiny new career, all while being at the mercy of other people's acceptance. 

But he just doesn't understand how hurtful it is to feel like that you don't matter.  The lump I get my chest as the rejection emails pile up.  To continiuosly come up empty on jobs that I am qualified for. To apply for jobs I'm only partialy qualified for, and then to not even be surprised when I am ignored. 
And even if things just snaped into place that I land a full time job, by the time I'd be on my feet I'll be married, and then dependant on my husband.  I'm never going to be a grown up.  

Why Yesterday Sucked

Yesterday at 12:30 I took the GRE. It didn't go well. I was going to take it back in February, but I knew I wasn't ready, so I postponed it to March.

I studied, but not as well as I should have. I made the flashcards. I knew/learned cold about 75% of the top 200 GRE words. I took the practice test. But you know what I learned the most when I was studying? That I hate to study. It's so hard for me to get in that mindset first off, and as I recite words and definitions to the dogs, I keep thinking how much I'm not getting this and I get frustrated. And then I start to feel stupid. Which then sets me down the "who am I kidding I'm not smart enough to get into grad school mindset." I didn't want to keep postponing the test, so I figured I would put on my big girl pants, take the test, get a base score and go from there. By no means did I want to do bad on the GRE, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. And then, being the spawn of asian worry (thanks mom) I psyched myself out all the way leading to test day.

I didn't feel ready, I was nervous, and I had a lot of people cheering for me. Combine that with my self fulfilling prophecy so I took my low score really hard. I actually scored right around average, which isn't bad. It's not stupid, and for goodness sake I'm trying to get into grad school and people who do that are not stupid. But to me, it's a low score, I won't get into school with it, I'm so disappointed and it hurts.

But after the test was when it got worse. I then fought traffic for an hour, my gps got me little lost and I ended up in South Carolina, I was hungry from having just taken a 3 hour test that I didn't do well on, and it was freakishly hot day so I was sweltering in my car. I'm cranky as fck, and I come home to dr soc's hopefulness and phd. And then I read the good luck message my bestest buddy sent me and I am just heartbroken. It's one thing to disappoint yourself, but now I've disappointed other people too. Meltdown number 1 ensues.

Dr soc and I took the dogs for a walk and I started to calm down a bit. And then he got the mail which is nothing out of the ordinary. But what was out of the ordinary was I received a thin letter from the place I interviewed at last week. Thin letters from job interviews are like thin letters from college's you've applied at. And even though I knew what it was before I even opened it, reading we found someone else better fit for this position was the one-two punch my day didn't need. Bring on melt down number 2.

I didn't really want that job to begin with but that doesn't make it sting any less. The timing just sucked on it. Granted, getting it the day before or today wouldn't have been any better, probably worse. But it still sucked.

Monday I'll start over. I'll keep looking for jobs, and I'll figure out when to take the GRE again. I'll study differently and get my scores up. I'll find some sort of income even if it's part time working at target. But for the moment, I'm just going to lick my wounds, wallow in self pity and cry.

Name Calling

On my birthday I found out that my friend's dad had a first name.

Me: Your dad's name is Bob?
friend: yeah... always has been...
me: I don't think I knew that.
dr soc: wait, you didn't know his name? What had you been calling him?
me: Mr Train!

Call me old fashioned, but I was taught as a girl you call adults by Mr and M(r)s so-and-so until they tell you other wise. So if I was introduced to someone as a kid (or high school student) and they were mr and mrs so-and-so then, to this day still call them mr and mrs so-and-so, because they have not told me other wise. (w/the exception of my other friend's parents. Them I've always called Daddy and Mommy P)