Arms Reason

What the ever loving fuck?
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/21/health/florida-legislature-porn-dangerous-but-not-weapons/index.html
Assault riffles are military weapons whose soul purpose is to cause maximum harm and kill. KILL. Bullets fired from these weapons are designed to kill and they mutilate and destroy everything in their proximity. So why the ever loving fuck are these not dangerous according to lawmakers?

Why does anyone need an assault riffle? Honest to god, someone tell me a reason other than it's the 2nd amendment of in the constitution. A lot of things have changed in the past few hundred years since those amendments were created by a rich white male slave owners. And there was an amendment that didn't work either. Remember that whole alcohol was illegal thing? That was the 18th amendment of the Constitution. There were 2 more amendments added (#19: women get to vote! #20: the presidential term starts January 20 at noon) before #21 when white lawmakers said take backsies! on #18 because society was pretty much just a big 'ol mess. So it is possible to make and repeal amendments that reflect the times. Like #13 - lets make this slavery/owning people thing illegal. Or #22 - no one can be elected president more than twice so the same person doesn't stay in power indefinitely (looking at you FDR).

Once again, please give me a reason your right to own an assault riffle usurps the safety of the general public. Why must humanity suffer again and again from the fragility of masculine insecurity? (yes I know there are women who love guns and shooting too, but these mass murderers have been mostly white males) Even if you don't kill people with your assault riffle, does having that tool to kill innocents make you feel better? Does the ability to destroy countless others' sense of safety secure your own? Do you sleep better knowing your right to own a weapon will never replace all of the other lives destroyed by gun violence?

Give me a reason. Give the world a reason. We are owed a fucking reason.

SHOUTING WILL SOLVE THIS

Apparently the assault riffle used in the most recent (fuck, most recent. Let that sink in) school shooting was bought legally. But legal or illegal, why does anyone have an assault riffle in the first place? And why do NRA paid politicians give those same objects assault weapons more rights and protections than humans women and children?

This is the 18th school shooting for 2018. EIGHTEENTH. THIRTY-FIVE DAYS INTO THE YEAR.
I know once you start shouting you have lost your argument, but I don't know what else to do at this moment. This is becoming normal and IT SHOULDN'T BE NORMAL.

Selfishly I think: how do I protect my children? I can save my girl from a ladybug on the playground, but a bullet at school where I'm not? Maybe I should home school the kids so they don't have to be a victim of another (because there will be another) school shooting. Or buy them bullet proof vests with the rest of their school supplies. Do they make those in size 5T? (my girl is tiny-she may be that size by kindergarten) WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS?

Why does ANYONE WORRY ABOUT THIS? FIX THIS BULLSHIT.

Dirty Words

My toddler mimics everything she hears. The words, the inflection, any sound effects (and we do a lot of sound effects), everything. All it takes is for one dirty word to slip out and next thing you know the kid's dropping F-bombs and calling people assholes (but if I'm being honest I will probably lose it because that would be hilarious). In other words, we have to watch our language now.  

You know what isn't a dirty word though? Compromise.

I'm tired of this zero sum game politics have become and scared the omnipresent vitriol will continue to hurt more and more people like yesterday. One of these days the people hurt could be me, my loved ones, even you. You honestly never, ever know.  When did everything become so black and white? How did disagreement become the insurmountable divide?

And one more thing sorta related to sides: when you don't say anything because you know it's not politically correct. That? Is not correct. "It" is politically correct now because at some point "it" was racist, or sexist, or any other outdated way of speech. Stop those dirty words too.  

Not Long

I'm not "officially" engaged.  Official meaning the ring hasn't come in yet, so dr soc has not gotten down on one knee with it and asked me to make him the happiest man in the world by marrying him yet.  YET.  To some, the officialness of the status is just a semantic and the ring is a technicality.  We know we're getting married, we live together, the ring's on order, and the big thing is we're (ok, I'm) planning the wedding.  So why don't we consider ourselves engaged?  We just don't right now.  When he puts the ring on my finger is when we'll be engaged, and that's how we both see it.   

However, there's lots going on for someone who's not officially engaged.  I am no holds barred, unfettered, took off the down the bubble of tulle path without looking back planning our wedding.  We've set a date, set up appointments and meeting to look at things and vendors, priced caterers and djs, and my bubble of tulle spreadsheet (seriously, I named it that) is getting bigger and bigger as we speak.  All stuff I said I wouldn't do until I was engaged.

But we picked a popular date.  So if we want our choice of things and to stay within our budget, we need to be planning ahead.  I don't want to have to book an over priced whatever simply because that's all whose was available.  Plus, I have the time right now to pour over websites and read the fine print, and the squee momentum to keep me going.  Yeah I get balled up in the details sometimes and dr soc has to pull me back and refocus me (or say no to the 10 story ice sculpture (and the releasing of 2 doves symbolizing our love (what?)), but I love it.  Love, love, love it. 

The only small caveat about the officalness of my status and the wedding planning not lining up, is that now vendors are calling/emailing me, and some ask how long have we been engaged.  I'm not going to say, well, technically we're not yet, because then I have to explain the pragmatic plan in advance but not thinking of each other as a fiance yet.   And since they can't see me anyway, my answer is pretty simple.  "Not that long!"

Date?

I (sorta) got asked out the other day.

I ran into my math teacher from last summer at the gym the other day. We occasionally saw each other outside/after that class and would say hi and sometimes talk about running. He asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime and I said sure, so we said 1:00 on whatever day.

It was then that I wondered, did I just get asked out? I said yes? Was I that clueless? Umm, oops? I called dr soc as I left the gym and explained/asked what the hell just happened at the same time. He said since coffee is a vague, safe thing to ask some out for, it can be a friend, colleague or date thing. However, he wasn't mad at me because he's not that type of guy. He also emphasized how he was not the type of teacher who would see his students (past or present) socially too. (which I knew, but it's cute that he was trying to tell me how respectable he is. Also it's why he won't make out with me during his office hours. What? Why does he keep fighting me on this?)

Well, anyway, the coffee/friend date thing went fine and all I had to do was drop the boyfriend word into the conversation to set the situation down the platonic path. For example: I'm meeting my boyfriend for lunch in an hour. Which I then proceed to do. I had a nice coffee/friend date and a nice lunch date with my boyfriend. Good day for me.

And dr soc wasn't mad, nor is he a jealous type of guy. But don't think I didn't notice how kissy he was when he dropped me off that afternoon.

What if...

What if things work with dr soc? Really work, like happily ever after work? Awesome right? He does and says all the right things. He makes me laugh. We're both falling in love with each other (Oh lets just admit that I am, I just haven't said anything yet for fear of not hearing it back), we have the same mindset on a lot of things, and it's like we have the same future picture painted in our heads. Sometimes I wonder holy crap, could this be any more aligned?

However, he isn't in his dream job (to say the least), and he wants to be in in a different field. Which I support because I see how frustrated he is currently and it sucks. And I want him to be happy and content with his position. So he's looking around like everyone else in the country is looking. (I'm poking around for full time positions as well because school won't last forever and I need some sort of income.) But his new position wherever and whenever it ends up being is going to relocate him.

So where do I stand in that? Do I even get one and if so when? Even though we're a couple, we're not a joined entity. He knows he could do a switch nowish because he doesn't have the family obligation or solid ties to Lexington. But I do. I'm not saying I'll never leave here, but I'm also not ready to think about the possibility of leaving either.

There are so many "what ifs" right now. I know I should be having this conversation with him and not the blogosphere. But it's too soon for that. Where's he going to go? Am I a factor in this choice? What if he asks me to go with him? Can I move again for another guy? What if he doesn't ask me? How bad would that heartache be? So many what ifs. Breaking my engagement completely changed my outlook on things. All things. And I can't help but wonder about that "if" and how big an impact things will or will not have.

I have the possibility of my dreams coming true. I've also got the possibility of getting my heart broken again. I can't rush either, no mater the outcome. (though if it's the latter, I would like it to happen sooner rather than later in order to heal sooner) But patience has never been my strong suit, so I start wondering what if and every possible situation to go along with it. And there's really not enough room in my head all of this.

So I had This Thought the Other Day

Since the Vatican is an independent country, does this mean they could compete in the Olympics?

Well no, we looked that answer at up at work (oh btw, even though we claim to not notice/comment/judge on what materials you check out, we so totally are).

Then I started giggling uncontrollably, because I get the mental image of the pope running in a race in full pope regalia, blessing people along the way. Meanwhile the other athletes are going nuts because they've trained their lives for this, but dude, you can't beat the pope. I mean, who does that?

And yes, this is really what goes on in my head.

Stringing Along

Once I went to a happy hour thing with friends and I met a few of their coworkers. It was a fun time and I was my personable self, chatting and laughing with people. But I sparked a flicker of interest in one of the guys it seemed, because he asked my friend if I was seeing anyone. And I had literally just had the exclusive talk with my boyfriend the week before and was off the market. The coworker sagely said, "girls like her born with boyfriends."

Except that we're not. At least, I'm not. And what's a girl like me anyway? Is that even a good thing?

But that brought back a memory of when I was around 10. A neighbor told me that when I was older, I would have a line of boys waiting for me. I rolled my eyes like any 10 year old would, but in my head I was thinking yippee! I'm going to have a string of admirers and that will be awesome!

Yeah. I'm older. Where's that stupid string?

Replacement

I don't like my exs' new girlfriends. Anyone else? Even though he's an ex, and there's no going back, I still don't like the new ones. Well, not all of them, but the fiance's in particular. It doesn't matter who she is, what she is or when she happened. She may be the gutteriest of the gutter sluts, queen of the groupies or perfect McPerfectison. It doesn't matter how terrible or how awesome she is. Because the only thing I'll ever see her as, is my replacement. And I just hate the idea of her.

Its not that I don't want him to be happy ever again, I just don't want him to be happy before me. I don't know what he would think of my life now, or if he even thinks of me. Obviously, by talking about it, I'm still thinking about it. Not in a did I make the right choice way, but still, just thinking. And while he's not a pressing concern of my life anymore, I still want to be a concern of his. I know that's selfish and unreasonable. Logically I know he's moved on, just like I'm doing. But there's still this stupid little twinge I feel, that I need to know I meant something. And when I'm replaced, she just... smudges me out.

I know everyone has said "s/he'll never do better then me" to sooth their breakup wounds. But don't you wish that was true? Don't you wish you really were the best that a person was ever was going to get and that they know it?

(You're probably wondering where the hell this thought process came from. I dreamed he had a baby and the Norman Rockwell style life I wanted for us with someone else. I woke up miserable. So not the greatest way to start my day)

High Road Be Dammed

Good news is that default crush put out! Bad news, I told him I liked him and may have killed the friendship.

So now I can't stop thinking about him (even more than before), and he's probably trying to figure out how to tell me acting on our physical attraction was a bad idea w/out hurting me. At least I hope he's trying not to hurt me. If he's thinking of me at all that is.

But when you invite someone to your place for a drink, talk and laugh for hours, admit you've shamelessly checked each other out, the tension has been building for months, not to mention you're both hard up and a bottle and a half of wine has been consumed (3/4 of a bottle is in my bloodstream alone), well, what do you think is going to happen?

I'm pretty sure I instigated, but it's not like he resisted. At all. He may have pulled me closer for all I know. At one point he did say he wanted to take the high road and stopped. Which bummed me out, but I drunkenly understood. And then a few hours later, he's kissing me frantically and the high road was long forgotten.

So now I'm left with the questions: what's going on in his mind? Does he not remember? Does he think I don't remember? Is he happy or regretful that it happened? Is he wary of hurting me or does he want more? And am I making this more complicated then it needs to be?

I've assumed worst case scenario, that he thinks it was a huge mistake and we awkwardly avoid each other from now on. And I'm a big girl, if that's what he thinks, then I accept it and say his loss. But I was hoping for that cliche friendship turns into a passionate love affair maybe could last thing again. Would have brightened things a bit.

Wedding Bells

I went to my boss' wedding last week.

She got engaged a few weeks after I started my job and that means a few weeks after I called off my engagement. I considered it major personal progress that my first thought was not "f*ck you and your happiness, " and that I genuinely felt and said congratulations for her.

She was so happy, just the way I was when I first got engaged. And I knew that my unhappiness shouldn't ruin her happiness. Because only assholes do that. I don't know if she knew about my status then. At times I felt a little bad because I know she felt she couldn't really talk about her wedding in front of me at first. And as a bride, that's the only thing you want to talk about. But I never discouraged her, and if it came up I joined in the conversation. I just wasn't going to be asking for details at first.

I knew I was invited, but there were times I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle a wedding. But then I realized, hell, if I can be in my little sister's wedding as my engagement was crashing, I can certainly handle a co-workers wedding over a year later.

And I was 95% ok for the thing. But as I was sitting a the reception, I kept thinking about my wedding that didn't happen. And I kept wondering, will I get to wear my wedding dress? Will we get to register, and will I get a bridal shower? Will I get to dance with my dad? Was I for or against a cake topper? But mostly, will I get another chance at this?

Nineteen

I hear through the grapevine (aka, over drinks and some loose lips), that a former co-worker of mine (who is only a year or two older than me I believe), is dating a 19-year old (that's a 9-10 year age gap). Eyebrows were raised, knowing glances were shot around, and tongues wagged a bit. And then someone in the grapevine also said she was a dirty girl.

First I thought, "yeah, I don't care." But I though about it a second more and said "well, what else can you really be at 19 except dirty?"

Hey, think about it. At 19, you can't (legally) get into bars or buy alcohol, so you can't really hang out with your older boyfriend.* So what else can you legally do except be a dirty girl?

*unless you have a fake id.**

** (Side note to my footnote) I think I'm the only person in who never had a fake id. Why bother? I already look younger than I am, I knew I couldn't pass for anything older then actually was.

Default Crush

Is it wrong that whenever I'm single I start crushing on a friend? (hey, does anyone else think it's cute for a grown woman to have a crush? Or is it just creepy?) I've crushed on nearly every guy friend I've had since high school. It rarely develops into a full blow can't stop thinking about him sort of thing, but there's always that hmm, what if... moment I feel. (For a while though in my early 20's I was starting to run out of guy friends (is it ok to recycle crushes?)). However I value my friendships, and I don't want to loose anyone I care about, so I try to not act on my pounce inklings. I know it's a case of single pool apprehension. And if I have a crush on someone, then I don't feel as unsteady I guess. (Though I was never completely out of the single pool w/library guy. We both still had our feet in)

Given my current status, the logical conclusion is: crush on a friend. So I am. And I wonder do I like this guy because I genuinely like him, or because I just want to crush one someone and he's safe? I'm very comfortable around him. He's seen me at some low (fuzzy/slurry) points in my life, and he's also seen me w/out makeup. So I trust him. I'm a little jealous if he talks about other girls, and sometimes I wonder if he talks about me to anyone. And not going to lie, I've been attracted to him from day one.

In theory, it would be great to be with this guy. But the aforementioned just like to like someone makes me think I've simply pushed him into my default crush spot. And even if he was having the same crush-type notions about me, I know for him it's not nearly as complex as I've made it out to be. With guys, it's they like you or they don't (why can't I be that simple?). And fortunately, I'm solidly in the friend zone with this guy and he won't cross that line. (yay and boo at the same time)

Status

The other night I texted a friend and they were surprised I was back from my "date" already. So I replied: "I'm fairly new at this f*ck buddies thing, but I'm pretty sure they they don't spend the night." While I'm enjoying it for what it is, I've never done this before. How long do these things typically last? And what happens if someone else asks me out? ::snort:: What if I want to say yes?

I'm an exclusive girl, when I start sleeping with someone, that's it for me. And since LG and I are messing around, see above. So it's sort of like an insta-relationship, but w/out the actual tittle or any girlfriend perks (like default passenger seat, auto Saturday night plans or flowers just because (hint hint future boyfriends/husband)). And what do I tell someone if they ask my relationship status? But then again, who's even asking.

Obviously, f*ck buddies isn't what people expect (and it's an over share. 'Course this isn't stopping me from blabbing now). We're not really dating in the traditional dinner and a movie sense, so that's out. I could say I'm seeing someone, because we are, and I won't do anything date-like with anyone else (once again, no one's asking). To say I'm sleeping with someone sounds so... blunt. And crass. It's not exactly promiscuous (because it is only one person), but well, it's something along those lines.

You're probably wondering why I'm not having this discussion with him. Because I don't want to put on my big girl pants that's why.

Church

I used the phrase sweating like a whore in church the other day, and my friend asked, Wait, church? Did I miss something? Why where you in a church?

And then she reread the email and figured out it was a phrase, but I started thinking, when was the last time I was in a church?

Uhh....umm, well, I didn't go to my friend's baby's baptism, so not then. I didn't get married so that date's out... It may have been my sister's wedding, which was almost a year ago...

Oh no wait! I went to temple for my friend's conversion to Judaism in November and then to temple with her in the early spring I believe. So there, that's the last time I was in a church.
Hey wait a second! Did my friend think I was calling myself a whore?

What's in a name?

I follow 9 people on twitter. And I have 26 followers. Why some of these people follow me, I have no idea. But whatever, if these people want to read my snark and randomness, fine. But some of my followers are the equivalent of spam tweets. I'll get an email that whendie786 is following me on twitter, and here's a link to their page.

And because I like to know who's keeping tabs on me, I scope them out. But half the time, it's a picture of a whore's ass and the tweet is a link to watch them have s*x at insert-link-here. And if it one of those dirty people, I promptly block them. Because I don't want someone asking me to lick their See you Next Tuesday linked to me in any way.

I know that a lot of people get those kind of followers, but do they get them as often as I do? Or do I just have a porn-ey user name? But my friend just tweeted this: (in refence to dirty tweets) go back to MySpace where they belong. (man, myspace really is pretty trashy)

Self Medication

Today at work I know I was crinkling up my nose a lot because I constantly felt like I was going to sneeze. Which is nothing out of the ordinary, I feel that way a lot at work. Because you never know what kind of place the materials are going to. They even go to people with cats. (btw, why does no one believe that I'm allergic? There is a real reason I don't care for cats. I don't like pets that make my eyes water and I have to take a pill to breathe comfortably around) But today my face (especially the inside of my nose) felt itchy too, which is out out of the ordinary. And my hair felt weird and unruly today too, which is just odd in general. I thought I was just tired, which gave me a reason for the clumsy (because who knocks their head on a book shelf? Me.), but that didn't account for the wayward hair or itchy face.

Then it occurred to me, oh yeah, allergy season is upon us (and Kentucky is a hell hole for allergies). I typically keep a couple different types of OTC medication in my purse just in case. What kind of pharmacist/drug dealer would I be if I didn't? I root around in the darkness of my bag an pull out my little pill pack (It's brightly colored so I can find it faster). And along side my generic pain relievers, there's a generic benadryl and two unbranded white tablets in their blister packs. I knew that the benadryl would exhaust me even further that I already was, so I didn't want to take that. That left the two while pills w/no labeling. I flip them over to see if they have a their name on it, but the only words on the back of the pack were a few mgs of loratadine. Which sounded like allergy medication to me. So I shrugged my shoulders and without another thought popped one of them.

My face did stop itching, the nose crinkling stopped some, and my hair feels somewhat normal, so it worked from that stand point. But now I'm even more tired and I have a slight case of cotton mouth. So I'm pretty sure I took an allergy pill, I just have no idea which one.

Question:

How do you know when a boy likes you? Or at least wants to start liking you? There's a guy at work who makes an effort to talk to me when we run into each other. And he told me he liked my hair cut. So clearly, I think: oh oh he might have a crush on me! Yay for that! Because if a boy talks to you, then that means he likes you right? Right?

My rational is that since boys don't speak girl, so when they always say hi, (and you don't know them that well yet), doesn't that mean they are making an effort and maybe want to have a crush on you? Of course, he could just be friendly and talk to everyone. And then I don't feel special anymore and also a bit foolish. Sigh, I used to be someone people came to for dating advice. Not so much anymore. And I was really good at this stuff too. I flirted with everyone (and boy did I ruffle some feathers in that process (but I did get most of the boys I wanted!)) And I managed to keep a crush interested in me for 5 years before I finally put out. And he still liked me after wards (hell, that interest has lasted longer then my relationship with Mark-and w/him I put out quick. Waaaaaait a second... I'm seeing some sort of correlation here...) Mad skills I had.

And now, I end with Yoda talk and I wonder: when a boy tells you he likes your hair cut, does that mean he has a crush on you or is he gay? (pounce skills are rusty too)