The Patriarchy!

So if the past election and current president have anything to show it it that sexism is alive and well and the patriarchy isn't going anywhere for a while.

The (white, female) SNL writer who tweeted once about the president's youngest son was called out multiple times by multiple people. She:

• Acknowledged it was out of line.
• Apologized for the tweet.
• Deleted the tweet and her account.
• Was indefinitely suspended from her job.
• And people are still demanding her head.

A (rich, orange) businessman tweets "flaming hot piles of brain vomit" since June 2015 insulting 305 different people/places/things NOUNS (including: revered civil rights leader John Lewis, entire countries, the Associated Press, mainstream media (which made him famous in the first place) and Major League Baseball (possibly the most American thing there is)). He:

• Became the 45th POTUS.

So yeah, the patriarchy ⚑⚐⚑*waves flag*⚑⚐⚑

Lady Math

So something like 200 buses applied for parking permits for the inauguration and 1200 applied for the for the women's march the day after. That's  three times as many people protesting the patriarchy.
Heh.
But where the hell were those numbers on election day?!?!

Now there's probably a pretty good chance those of us angry enough to get involved to march in DC and across the country were probably involved enough to vote. (Like me, I'm angry, I'm marching, and I sure as hell voted) why didn't those same mass numbers elect HRC?

I bet this has something to do with lady math. Maybe all the angry marching numbers were concentrated in the angry liberal small states that have small electoral college numbers. Oh, oh I know! I bet all us angry marchers are women so our lady votes only counted as 3/4!  

Lady Math sucks.

Brick wall

I expected thing to be hard with my dad.  And they are.  But you deal with it.  You adjust to a new lifestyle and you keep going.  But it is what it is.  My dad is mentally in a place that he can't take care of himself, and his reality isn't exactly the same plane as mine and the rest of us. But, oh well.  He's still my daddy, I will always love him, and I will enjoy the time I have left with him.

What I didn't expect, was the problems in dealing with my mother.  It's now been a year since the official diagnosis and she's still throwing herself a big 'ol pity party, feeling sorry for herself  that her husband isn't what he used to be. I know it's hard.  But she needs to put on her big girl pants and get over it.  Dealing with her and trying to get her to do things, I'm throwing myself against a brick wall.  But I can't let up or else my dad is the one that suffers the consequences of her (in)actions.

Yeah it's tough, my dad's disease and watching someone you love decline.  I expected that.  But I didn't expect mom to make things harder.  And that's what makes this whole situation even worse.

Most Popular

Coffee may keep Alzheimer's at bay according to this study.  That's great. It really is.
But, that doesn't fix my dad.  Because he doesn't have Alzheimer's, he has dementia.  Alzheimer's is the most common type of dementia, so we're dealing with a different monster.  It's just that Alzheimer's gets all the attention.
Because what about the rest of us suffering from the other types of dementia? (WARNING: DO NOT GO DOWN THE INTERNET RABBIT HOLE OF HEALTH)  Why aren't there studies for my dad's disease?  Why doesn't his condition, which is the worst of the fucking worst getting the research, the breakthroughs, the drugs and the press that Alzheimer's does?  Why don't we even get a sliver of good news? 

I don't believe that the doctors and researchers are doing nothing.  I know this disease is so complex and uncharted territory.  I don't think that any disease is less worthy of study (well, maybe peripheral diseases like ED and constant dry eyes.  Seriously. let's fix people's brains before we worry about how to let old men have boners)  I empathize for people and family struggling with Alzheimer's, I do.  It's heartbreaking to be in this situation and to see someone you love struggle.  I'm just angry and I miss my dad.  I want some good news.  But what I really want, is hope.

Let's Make a Deal

My dishwasher decided to stop working. Um, I'm going to go out on a domestic limb and admit that my past relationships have not been strong enough to withstand this. This relationship with dr soc is because I know we'll both take care of the dishes for the moment and I don't keep score. I just know from previous experience that when I am the only one who does the dishes I get resentful.

Some back story: I have lived with a boy before. And I stress the boy part. We moved from a tiny apartment with a loud dishwasher to a huge apartment with no dishwasher. Well, the huge apartment had one, but it was still in it's box and sat there in the kitchen for 3 months before the landlord came through and finally sent someone to install the gdmn thing. Because I don't mind doing the dishes and I hated taking out the trash more, I struck this deal with my ex: I'll do the dishes in the new place if you take out the trash. He agreed no problem since he hated to do the dishes as much as I hated to take out the trash. We may have even shook on it and it worked. For about a week.

Because someone took the trash for dishes deal as a licence to leave a collection of dirty dishes throughout the apartment, damaging whatever cookware he wanted, sometimes stacking the damaged cookware on the counter and in the sink, and then telling me I needed to do the dishes soon, especially since he was nice enough to get them started by squirting a glob of dish washing liquid on them. However, if I asked him to take out the trash because it was over flowing, it went in one ear and out the other, plus I was nagging and deserved to be ignored. The arrangement stayed in place even after the dishwasher was installed which made things even more volatile. The rational there was that he was doing the dishes every time he put something in the dishwater, and therefore was helping me out on my portion of the deal. Since I was supposed to do all the dishes, taking out the trash was a job he could do if he remembered or felt like it.

So I learned several important lessons there. First: that he was a disrespectful peter pan and not leaving neverland anytime soon. Second: I require a dishwasher wherever I live from now on to keep the peace. And third: making deals and keeping score are not what a healthy relationship and love are about. Dr soc and I help each other out not because we struck a deal or because we feel obligated to do so, but because we love each other and appreciate what the other person does. He makes a living and supports us, and I take care of a fair chunk of the housework while he's at work. So while my current lack of a dishwasher is an inconvenience, it's not going to be a chink in the armor or the straw that breaks the camel's back.

The Worst Thing I EVER Ate

Two nights ago, I didn't get much sleep (the Olympics keep me up), so I was dragging for some of the day. I was anticipating not a great run, so I grabbed these energy pellets I had gotten as a free sample from one of my races on my way out the door. The brand was "Life Fitness" or something like that, coffee flavored, and it had "great new taste!" So I figured may as well, we'll see how I feel running time.

They were the worse thing I have ever put in my mouth. Seriously.

First: they were nearly impossible to open. I gnawed my way through the plastic before something tore. It's difficult to run and drink water for me, imagine how hard it was to open this palm size pouch. I had run over a half mile by that point.

Second: the texture was disgusting. The second the pellet touched my tongue, it broke into chunky grainy parts and coated my mouth with a chalky texture. But then I had to chew it up because it didn't break down any more after the initial break apart one.

And third: they had the most REVOLTING taste. "Great new taste" my ass. Taste like ass is better description.

I'm dying to spit these out, but I didn't want to stop my run since I was on a limited schedule. So I choked them down and gargled some water, hoping to wash some of the bitter out. At some point (still running btw), I spat out "it's like acid rain in my mouth! Chalky, acid rain!" (not that I know what acid rain taste like, but I'm sure this is not far off.

The taste never went away the entire run. I ended up drinking 20 oz of water that run, making me feel really sloshy. And the worst part, they made me seriously nauseous the rest of the day. Not in the tear my stomach up way the gels/sport beans did. I felt like I wanted throw up more that 6 hours later. (throwing up may have tasted better I bet)

Obviously, I should have not taken them, especially as I struggled to even open them. I think the running gods were mad at me for skipping my Tuesday run and then shortening it the next day. (I ran 4 today to make up for that missed mile) Or they were trying to intervene and save me. Either way, running gods, I'm sorry. For disappointing you or not heeding your warning.

Please don't let me put any more bad things in my mouth!

Lost Soul

So the broad on Project Runway who cries at every. single. fcking. thing: Man up. God, you can tell you never went to design school.

How do I know that?
Because she cries at every. single. thing. She got a forehead wrinkle from Tim Gunn, fell down the pitiful hole and started her entire outfit over. Mark my words, one crit (that critique for you non-design people) and she is going to loose it. (I can't wait, meltdowns make great tv. Oh, whatever, like I'm going to deny myself the pleasure of judging someone who signed a billion contracts allowing them to be exposed)

But you could argue that just because she can't hold herself together, that doesn't mean I know her lack of education status. Au contraire mon amie, you do not make it through design school with out one bad crit. You man up and defend your work, and you learn that your professors and guest critiquers feed of the crushed dreams and souls of students.

Moral of the story: design school takes your soul.

Well....

I was musing into my empty wine glass reflecting on the last year, comparing myself to where I was a year ago. December was a really bad month last year. Really, really really bad. I was bitterly lonely, I hadn't started school, and I didn't like my hospital job becasue I was so isolated. In addition to trying to find the dog a new home, my wedding gown arrived and my mom wanted to rehash every single detail of my sister's wedding. I was arguing with my ex via email about the dog, her vet bills, the cell plan in a-let's-twist-the-knife-deeper-shall-we manner. I was miserable to say the least.

Well, I'm definitely some steps up this December. I'm still hankering for a boyfriend, but I'm not as lonely. I did really bad in school this semester, which sucked, but I think I can turn it around in the spring. My wedding gown is in the closet and I haven't looked at save the one moment of weakness when it was first brought home. But I got to keep my dog (!), I like my library job, and I can look at my sister's wedding pictures and smile, instead of jealousy ripping through me like a serrated knife. I haven't had an email from the ex in months and if I never talk to him again that suits me just fine.

It's just... I left him to be a better me essentially, but I don't feel as if I've bettered much. Some, but not by leaps and bounds and flying colors. And there's a thin film of hurt still that he loved the possibility of heavy metal band more than a future with me.

It broke my heart to leave and to be where I was last year. I don't love him, and definitely not in the same would give your life for him love that I felt before. But I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I don't exactly want anything good to happen to him either, but hey, I'm still bitter.

Because honestly, how happy can you want someone to be when they broke your heart? Maybe that means not enought time has passed. Or maybe that means letting go compleatly and growing up.

Right Answer

When someone asked me why I picked chemistry after 6 years of interior design, I said: "because there's a right answer." And there is most definitely a right answer. But that also means there's a wrong answer. Which is what I picked most of on that test (seriously, I didn't even get the partial credit ones. There is nothing good about this).

It's beyond disheartening. I felt that I did ok on that test. I was even starting to like chemistry because I foolishly thought I was starting to understand it.

I cannot get a C in this class. I'm a chemistry major number one. But if I get a C in general chemistry (any chemistry really), I have no hope of getting into a pharmacy school. No one will even look at me.

I'm not going to argue my grade. There's no point, there were wrong answers, and I picked them. It sucks (what's a stronger word for sucks?), but I earned my score because I didn't study correctly (at least I wasn't the lowest score - insert watery smile of victory).

All hope is not lost. There are 2 more exams plus the final. And you have the option of replacing your lowest test score with the portion of the final that covers the material. Assuming you do better on the final of course. I've gotten perfect scores on my homework so far, but that's only 10% of my grade. You get points for going to class (they keep track electronically through clickers), but that's only 5 points. I've gone to the chem help center and written my name down, so I'm trying. And it shows. But it's not going to get me an A if I don't ace the rest of my tests.

So this test is a huge blow. I'm still crying over it, because I really don't know what else to do for the moment. It's frustrating and demoralizing and just plain shitty.

But suck it up. I'm not the first person to fail a chemistry test. I won't be the last. I can study smarter. I can hire a tutor. And if pharmacy isn't an option for me, then...

I guess I'll figure something else out.

Twisted Emotions

Today is my sister's first wedding anniversary! Congratulations!
But since this is my blog, I'm going to talk about me.

Let me preface this with: on her wedding day, I was nothing but happy. The smiles in all the pictures are genuine and the tears on that day were because I was so happy for her. But the day before and after, I was nothing short of a mess. I had left my ex and moved home a little over a week before her wedding. And while I hadn't "officially" called off the engagement, I told family and friends who asked about my fiance that we were no longer together.

I was very torn those days. I desperately wanted to be happy and excited. But I was also wallowing in bitterness and confusion, as well as dealing with the loss of my fiance in addition to somewhat loosing my sister. I sobbed when I saw the chapel the day before. I sobbed right after the rehearsal in my hotel room. I cried silently in the shower the next morning because I woke up alone, and I knew I would be doing that for a long time.

But it was my ex's disregard to my sister's wedding that made me see how selfish he is and how deluded his priorities were/are. For his his sister's wedding 2 years prior, he asked people to cover my work shifts, begged me to skip class to make it to the rehearsal, and assumed my entire weekend was for his sister. And I was only a girlfriend at that point, I knew my place was to sit pretty, make small talk and be a gracious guest. For my sister's wedding, his future sister in law, he bitched to everyone that it was "taking away" the last 2 days of his vacation in Florida. He whined that he had to travel, to Baltimore, (he hates the Ravens so by default hates the city) and was going to miss the last two days of the aforementioned vacation. The vacation he goes on every year. With his parents. Who pay for the entire thing as well.

When I realized he felt this way, I was seething mad. In fact, I was flat out enraged. And at the end of a fight and in the coldest voice I have ever used, told him I didn't want him at her wedding. He was not going to ruin her day for me or her. And he could sleep on the couch that night.

Even though I knew I would have to deflect questions and I would be upset I was alone, him not going was the much lesser of two evils. Because he would have ruined it by being there. He would have sulked and pouted the entire time, and I wasn't going to placate him.

So while I was happy for her on her day and I say I'm over the broken engagement, I'm pretty upset this very moment. Remembering my anger, the disappointment and his selfishness.

It's unfortunate that I won't be able to remember the happiest day of my sister's life without some bitterness. But it is fortunate that it was a deliriously happy day and it's a happy marriage. And one day, mine will be to.

Expiration Date

Ok, it's been a year since I seriously starting thinking about breaking my engagement. And it's about time I get over it.

I am for the most part. But there are still hiccups. I flinch if I get an email from him. I got a little upset he didn't wish me happy birthday. I smirk when I cook with all the things he hated. The thought of him with another girl annoys me. Sometimes I wish I kept my engagement ring, because I still think of it as mine, but mostly because I'm afraid he'll put it on another girl's hand.

So there's still some bitter there. I might have some of it the rest of my life. And I know that if I ever see him again, even if it's in 50 years with grown children and a well lived life, my breath will stop in my chest and I'll be that very lost and hopeless 26 year old.

But it got better, which amazes me. And I hope this is the hardest thing I'll ever choose to do, because I don't know if it was worth the anguish. But time has passed and it does heal most wounds. And it's no longer an excuse.

Divorce Court

I used to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8. Loved it. But even towards the end of the 4th season, my attention was waning. And over the summer as that show was splashed across the gossip magazines, I stopped watching completely. Because there's no entertainment value in watching a marriage crumble (unless it's divorce court).

Now while I didn't get a divorce, I did break an engagement which is along the same lines (this is my I've been more broken hearted than you trump card, and I will play it at times). It's a lot more than a typical break-up. It's a irrevocably life altering. It was (relatively) lucky we both came out of it nothing more than emotionally shattered. (Well, I came out that way, I don't know if he even shed a tear over me). We didn't have to do anything legal. We didn't have to sell/divide a house, split a banking account, and no kids means no custody agreement (though honestly, if we had kids I would have stayed with him-also, we would have been married). I gave back the ring, gave him the dog, and walked away.

A broken engagement is better than a divorce, but sometimes you don't feel that way. I felt that I had been hit with a ton of bricks when I realized I wanted out. I dealt with a litany of emotions, some I never expected (humiliation was one of them). I felt weak and anguish, and at the same time, unexpected strength and relief. I was a conflict personified. And while I can now lend a sympathetic shoulder to someone going through a breakup, I want people to realizes something: a breakup, no matter who's it is, is not anyone's entertainment

Fusterated

I'm trying to register for classes for summer and fall. And I understand that I can't take some classes because I don't have the pre-requisites yet. But some classes should go together, like chemistry lecture and chemistry lab. Same with biology (I am not looking forward to biology and all it's ickyness)

But they offer the corresponding labs during the lecture time...and you can't sign up for both due to to "time conflict." And it's making me stabby because I can't sign up for classes I have to have but I can't take. Class schedules should not be this hard!

Grr, I'm just going to play around with the buttons and hopefully hit the right combo to get the classes I need. Plus I'm going to meet with my adviser the end of this month to figure out where I stand schedule wise (transferring/petitioning for credits really complicates things - thanks uc for counting for practically nothing (bitter much?)!). Maybe he can show me what buttons to push.

(also, I've been really stressed that I'm trying to plan my days by hour/half hour increments. I even schedule my sleeping/eating times. How micro-manged am I? I blame daap for this level of crazy)