Color Scheme

My friends bought a thing, aka a new house, so they're selling their old one. To actually sell the old house they have to repaint the entire place gray because people would rather buy that than their meticulously-thought-out-color-schemed-by-actual-designers one. Because people like to think they are creative and original when 80% of people's favorite color is blue and they're just going to put in whatever's trendy (and ultimately dated) anyway. 

  

Whatever. While discussing this with my girlfriends I suggested the color "Monterrey Bisque" because: "it's beige as fuck." My mom painted the entire house that due to her lack of imagination (which she admits) and is afraid of color which I can prove because she told me the neutral tiles I suggested for the back splash had "too much color." 🙄 

Anyway. We came up with our own designer-educated-suburban-color-pallet. Including: 

"Beige as Fuck" 

"Fuckit. Just paint it white"

"Suburban Sunkiss" (pale yellow)  

"Just a bit of green for pizzazz"

Happy painting!

Call Me!

These are the phone numbers that I can rattle off no problem:

• mine
• dr soc
• my parents' house
• work's public line if i think about it for a second  

And:

• my ex fiancé's

And here's why. A friend had left her cell in my pool bag and neither one of us realized it until she and my ex were at work. She couldn't call her fiancé to get it from me because she didn't know his number. (I ended up dropping it off at work-which was not on the way- before I went out of town. ie: I'm a good friend) My ex was astounded she didn't know her fiancé's number, but I came to her defense. Ever since cell phones became the norm no one's really had to memorize a phone number since it's stored in your contact list. After all I didn't know his number off the top of my head.

He was gobsmacked (and pissed). How could I not know his number? After all, he knew my number! (but not the exact date of my birthday) And his phone number was so easy too! It was one number different than the area code and then 2 other numbers! How could his fiancé not know his number!?

Well I once heard you have to repeat something (at least) 21 times before it's committed to memory. Being the mature young 20-something I was at the time to shut him up I started reciting his phone number. Twenty-one times.

me: 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx...
::while following him around the apartment:: After the 10th time or so-
ex: okay, okay, I get it!
me: nope, it's gotta be 21 times before I remember. Great now I've lost count and have to start over.
me:-sigh-: 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx....

Yup. But, hey, I learned his phone number. Which came in handy when I drunk texted him the holidays after we broke up.  

Natural Disaster

So Texas drowned, and Florida isn't far behind them.
The Pacific Northwest is on fire, while the North Great Plains are in a drought.

Is there like, a big hose available to connect those places? Send all the extra water from one place to the another place that needs it. Simple right? And if you want an even crazier idea about a natural disasters, maybe we could find a way to harness the hurricane winds for energy and reduce our utter dependence on fossil fuels. Or is humanity just a silly lady idea?

I guess I could just pray* for everything and not actually do anything. And deny**** climate change.****** Because that's what's really helpful.

*and/or claim this is god's punishment for the "gay agenda**" ***
**existing
***devastate everyone for the "sins" of a few? Way to be an asshole there God.  
****at least the human involvement part*****
*****all of it
******it's legit according to science

Camping is Gross

I present a classic Spazella:
Reasons I _________ list:
So here is: Reasons I don't camp.

1. I have no survival skills. I would probably die.
2. I'm not going to sleep on the ground. Rocks digging into whatever body part they want and dirt? No thank you. 
3. I don't want to pee in the woods either. (I might feel differently about that if I was a boy and I could write my name in the snow.)
4. I pretty much hate nature. 
5. It's too quiet. That scares me.
6. It's too loud and full of nature noises. That also scares me.
7. Also, bears live in the woods. Bears will kill you.
8. No internets? Pass.
9. I have AAA for hotels. And even if I didn't - I would still hotel.

Beggars can't be Choosers

I was in the bathroom at work and the person in the stall next to me sighed heavily and made a comment about how nice it would be to have toilet seat covers.
I did not respond because:

1. I don't want to talk when I am in a public restroom.
2. I don't want to hear anyone else's commentary in the bathroom either.   

And my response to the comment wouldn't have been much help. See there are 20 branches in the system I work for, but my branch is one of the smallest and not affluent.  So if I had commented, which I wouldn't have because I don't want to talk or listen to anyone when using the bathroom, I would have said:

You want toilet seat covers? We don't even have a plunger 75% of the time.

ASSterisk

Asterisk: noun

noun: asterisk; plural noun: asterisks

1. a symbol (*) used to mark printed or written text, typically as a reference to an annotation or to stand for omitted matter.

ASSterisk: noun

1. exceptions, most likely cherry picked to justify asshole behavior

This is first amendment with Cheeto-in-chief's ASStrericks

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion*, *except the TV ratings gods
or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;* except Islam, Muslims are bad hombres
or abridging the freedom of speech,* *unless you don't agree with Cheeto in chief's "alternative facts."  
or of the press*; *except Twitter. No fake news like CNN, The Washington Post and New York Times allowed either
or the right of the people* *white men and very pretty women 
peaceably to assemble,* *but not in groups larger than inauguration crowds
and to petition* *but not peacefully protest en mass 
the government* *the patriarchy 
for a redress of grievances* *not discrimination in the workplace, sexual assault, unpaid family leave, unequal pay, autonomy of our own bodies.... real issues like hurting Cheeto's feelings

Now onto Amendment 2...

Outliers

The hospital I'm having the baby at offers free prenatal classes, so I figured, when in Rome and signed us up for a series of childbirth classes. Here are some of the things we have learned so far:

• There are stages and sub-stages of actual labor. And it can take a long time to get a baby out.
• But at least the possible long labor has a pretty sweet labor/delivery/birthing/postpartum suite.
• I'm definitely having drugs.
• Epidural babies may come out sleepy and could have a hard time latching when trying for that first feeding.* 
• Daddies will pack the hospital bag wrong, as well as the wrong picture and/or going home outfit.** So it's best to do it yourself.
• Daddies also don't listen to mommies when football or whatever huntin' and fishin' show they like is on.*
• Dr soc and I are the class outliers. We are the only ones in the class who are going to be surprised on the sex, and we also won't share the names we have picked out.
• But we're not the weirdest ones either. We certainly were not the ones who asked if we could keep the placenta and if it was possible to make a smoothie out of it.**  
• We are the snarky classmates though. While every other parent set were sharing that their favorite part of pregnancy is feeling the baby kick* and/or watching mom's body change/grow life sentimental stuff, dr soc shared that his favorite part is that we can sit at the grownup's table now since we'll have a child ourselves, and I said that my favorite part is all the snacks and people doing stuff for me all the time. It's the truth!

*Or did I learn that at the breastfeeding class I took? In that class I learned why lactation consultants can be referred to as lactation nazis. They have very strong opinions on breastfeeding and how it is the most important thing you can ever do for your baby with it's countless benefits and formula is a dead food and other than nutrients won't benefit baby at all and you are horrible.
**Wait, are these separate things? Baby only has a Christmas photo shoot outfit and no other clothes because gender neutral stuff doesn't exist, and now I need two outfits? Shit.
*We didn't find either of those sexist at all. Nope.
** Seriously someone asked that. The nurse teaching the class didn't know so she said to refer to dr google. (some cultures/religions do save it but it's not a western world practice. The making it into a smoothie though is definitely some sort of ethnocentric western world idea thing.)
*Yeah those kicks and rolls are fun and exciting and all that jazz, But sometimes those dance party/ninja warrior moves hurt and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if baby could get off my bladder at the same time baby is stretching into my lungs. Play with one organ at a time please.

Derby Pie

Last week was the first Saturday of May and that means one thing and one thing only for this Kentucky lady: The DERBY!!!!!!
I try not to pick a horse because that pretty much hexes them, but that doesn't mean I don't secretly hope one will win. (This year my secret pick showed (3rd place), so at least I didn't completely take away it's mojo. But the one horse/jockey that I really wanted to win...last place. :( sorry!). I've only been to the Derby once (best bachelorette party ever), but at least since college I have always, always made sure to watch it on, this year being no exception. I had some (a lot of) thoughts this year:

• I get that they need filler pre-race but what the hell is this simulated race analysis nonsense they are trying to do? Seriously WTF?? Don't they know there is no simulating the most exciting two minutes in sports?
• At least do another one of those "human/horse" interest stories if you need filler.
• Oh wait, nbc has the Derby and that means the human/horse interest story will most likely be done by... 
• Damit. I hate Bob Costas. 
• I wish the pinkeye that sidelined him in Sochi had stuck around to do the same for the Derby.
• Speaking of Sochi, under things that I do wish had stayed there: Tara Lipinski and Johny Weir. I just...yeah, no, I just don't care. I guess they were a hoot in Russia and with the color commentary and they have that Will and Grace thing going for them and all, and yeah the Derby is somewhat about fashion...But they should stick to ice skating.
• And by fashion, I mean HATS. It's mostly about the hats. The fashion is the accessory to the hat, Not the other way around.
• My Old Kentucky Home! I love that every year the whole nation sings my state song.
• Thoroughbreds are such amazingly beautiful animals.
• In the gate! In the gate! In the gate! Hold my breath...
• AND THEY'RE OFF!!!! Go baby go!
• I can't tear my eyes away for one second...oh there goes the favorite into the lead!
• More lead! more lead! go baby go!
• 2014 has a Derby Champion, way to go California Chrome!!!
• Seriously, you can't simulate the most two exciting minutes in sports. Don't ever do that again. 

  

Teachable Moment

I can get annoyed like anyone else. And like most people, there are things that annoy me more so than others. Like: college students and people who think music is the end all be all are two things that annoy me easily. So the other day when a college student felt the need to enlighten me about his music preference superiority, my annoyance tolerance was shot to hell from the second the kid opens his mouth.

student: I would like to donate a book to you guys that I have because you don't have it.
me: Well we have a policy actually of not accepting book donations. But someone at the center desk over there can tell you who to talk to about collection development.
student: It's a biography. You guys have several other books on this subject, several copies of a few of them, but you don't have this particular one. This one is really important and you guys should have it.

I was only slightly annoyed that he didn't listen to me, but that's pretty much what happens all the time with the college students I see at work, so I wasn't going to get all bent out of shape over this. He was more offend that I didn't want his book than I was by him not listening. But then he kept talking and tried to explain to me why we needed to have this book

student: It's a biography on Duke Ellington. Like the most important jazz musician of all time. You guys really need this book, and I want to to give it to you because it's so important. Music is life, you know? It's my passion, the most important thing.

So here's where I went from slightly annoyed to completely annoyed. Because as we all know, I have heard, dealt with, and left the music is my passion and most important thing ever dude. I probably heard those words verbatim or close enough before. And music? Not the most important thing ever. I was in choir and marching band, I used to know how to read music and I definitely think music classes should remain in schools, but "having a passion" for music is a far cry from "making a living" off this nonsense. While I know there are professional musicians who do make a living from music, and I respect the time and talent it takes to get to that tier, it's still not the most important thing ever. And besides, just because you think something is the most important thing, doesn't make the rest of the world agree with you. And you certainly shouldn't be foisting your opinions on me or anyone for that matter. (Impartiality is part of being a librarian, and the ability to providing equal access to all sides of something. (OK, well a public library, I guess if I worked in a special library I could be a lot more judicious in what kind of access people get to particular subjects))

I know this student had no idea what he stepped into with that comment or that my particular background with another "music is my passion" would annoy the crap out of me. But I still wanted him to just go away and to take his opinions with him. But I realized I could make this a teachable moment and said:

me: Well, I think unicorns are important. And we don't have a lot of books on those here either.
student: Uh....but this is Duke Ellington. You know who he is right? That this is important!?
me: I've heard of him. Now, the center desk over there can tell you who to discuss collection development with. Have a good day.

OK, not the best teachable moment and the kid probably thinks I'm a kook. But at least it was a little snarky. I count that as a win.

Pregnancy in a Post Pinterst World

First: I am not pregnant.

But everyone I know* and in the popular pins section of pintrest is. That or putting their bridal party in cowboy boots and/or holding assault riffles for a "cute/country/rustic" look. Which, stop it people. It's stupid.
Anyway, everyone on pintrest is either pinning tacky cowboy boots or cute pregnancy related things. Because now, to be pregnant in this post pintrest world you:

• Need a creative pregnancy announcement. (It typically involves a sibling (or pet) holding a sign saying they are going to be a big sibling or a tummy shot with a bow and a due date. Though my favorite announcement is when the sonogram is imposed on the tummy picture for a creepy effect.) 
• Throw an elaborate gender reveal party. (It's actually a sex reveal party, since gender is a social construction and sex is biological. You're discovering what parts the baby has, but "sex reveal party" doesn't have the same ring to it and sounds highly inappropriate when referring to babies.)    
• Take a sexy but still classy maternity photo shoot. If you aren't feeling up for that you can do a family photo with everyone showing off their tummy while in awe of yours. Either one, you (or someone) must lovingly caress your belly. (I admit I want to do a weekly progression series myself, but there will be no touching of my tummy. Seriously, hands off.)
• Have a tricked out themed nursery. Chevron seems to be the hot thing right now. Chevron is a fancy word for zig-zag pattern.
• Put rubber duckies in the punch at the baby shower. (Seriously, why are there so many rubber duckies in the punch? It just blocks the way to the punch and that's a waste.)
• Announce the baby's birth in either the same theme you announced the pregnancy and maternity shoot, or in a completely different cute and original way.
• Once the baby arrives everyone is taking an artistic, beautiful black and white family photo. Or a funny black and white family photo. It's always black and white though.   

Oh good god. Being pregnant sound exhausting enough as it is. I told you pintrest was bananas.
*Seriously, everyone. 4 friends, my sister (!) and my next door neighbor. Everyone.

Dancing on Your Grave

me: I have the new Carrie Underwood song two black Cadillac stuck in my head.
mike: Ok.
me: I'm sure you've never heard it. But it's an old fashioned country song that tells a story. Anyway, the two black Cadillacs are at a funeral, one's for the wife and the other for the mistress. "Preacher said he was good man, brother said he was a good friend, but the women in the two black veils didn't bother to cry."  Turns out the women knew about each other and killed the dude for doing them wrong all those years. They both lay a rose on his grave.
mike: Ok.
me: You know though, it takes some serious balls to show up at your lover's funeral when you are the mistress. Not only to show up, but to get a Cadillac as if you were family.
mike: I'll say. You can go to the funeral, but you hide in the back.
me: Exactly. If your mistress shows up at your funeral demanding a Cadillac, I'm throwing her in the grave with you.
mike: Fair enough. If she had the balls to do that she might not exactly have lady parts though.
me: True. And if that's the case then, the joke's on you and I think I'd let her live and just dance on your grave.

Vocab

We have laptops for people (students, staff and faculty) to check out for 24 hours at my academic library. Awesome right? Well not always, because sometimes all we have left are the older, slower computers and college kids can be so incredibly whiny.

A freshman turns in an older slower laptop, but before he turns it in he first asks if we have any macs. You have to wait 4 hours between laptop check ins and outs, so even if we did have any macs in he wouldn't have been able to have it at the moment anyway.  Instead of understanding the rules and just leaving it at that, he wanted to make it clear to me that macs are a far superior computer. So he says: Mac's aren't slow. Dells are though. This dell was abysmally slow.

I just shrugged my shoulders and said: Oh well.
But what I wanted to say was: Look at you using your SAT words like a big boy!

Do the math

Last Saturday I did the first long run of my training plan (8 miles) in the afternoon, a couple of hours before I had to to go work.  But unfortunately, I'm a bit out of shape,* so I knew it would be a tough run. It takes my body a few weeks to adjust to running conditions after a break, and so I've come to expect a certain degree if tummy trouble post (long) run the first few weeks of training.

Fortunately, the stomach pain dissipates within a few hours of it happening, and altogether disappears once my body gets used to running distances again.  Unfortunately, I didn't time my run and work schedule up very well last Saturday, because I was hurting pretty bad when I walked into work that day.   

me: (doubling over in pain) Ugh, I don't feel so good.
coworker: Are you pregnant?**
me: Yep. Thirteen months along and counting.***
coworker: Huh? Months? 
me: Yep. Then I straitened up, and walked directly to the bathroom.

So yeah, I've decided to stop denying being pregnant (because no one believes me anyway) and just being snarky with people. And while the snark didn't stop my pain right there, it did make me feel a little better in a way. 

*I barely worked out pre-wedding. Weirdest bride ever.
**Seriously, I'm so tired of people assuming I'm pregnant, implying that I will be soon enough, then looking at me with a knowing smile when I staunchly deny it, when it's really none of your fcking business in the first place.
***too tired to deny, but not tired enough to snark.

12+ month pregnancy

me: What I learned on my run today: I definitely need new sports bras.
laura: Or you're prego.
me: Of course! You know what else I learned? Once you're married, your birth control stops working.
laura: And people accuse you of being pregnant all the time. True facts.
me: It starts when you're engaged. But if you tell people that your dress has no seam allowance for a baby bump, they stop for a few months.

Nothing Kinda

coworker: Oh, we kinda match.
me: What? We're both wearing blue?
coworker: No, our hands, our rings.
me: Umm, sure, ok...

me in my head: No our rings definitely don't match. they don't even kinda match. Why? Because my rings are my wedding band and engagement ring from my 32 year old husband, and your ring, is a promise/class ring you wear on your ring finger from your 21 year old boyfriend of 2 months.
Soooo, no. Our rings don't match.

Reasons

The morning after the wedding dr soc and I made our marriage facebook official by changing our relationship status and I changed my last name.  'Cause you know, the vows, the judge, 120 witnesses and party afterwards was nice and all, but it's not official until you put it on facebook.

Anyway, we both got beaucoup amounts of likes and well wishes, from lots of people, including some people who were not invited or able to come to the wedding.

Except for one comment (tacked onto a plea for rsvps, a month after the fact) which I deleted.  And it was:

I didn't rsvp because I wasn't invited

^^That?^^ Is why you weren't invited.

Too Pretty

Ok, so I'm not tardy to the party or anything, but I'm 5 weeks from my wedding and haven't had time to snark about this until now. The writer who whined about being too beautiful.  Due to her ravishing looks, she's constantly spoiled by unwanted attention and lavish gifts of champagne and caviar that she never asks for, she's never been a bridesmaid, and women won't eave their husbands' sides if she's in the room. And not surprisingly, she doesn't have any female friends.

First: never trust a woman without girlfriends.
Second: to no one's surprise (except maybe her's) the reactions weren't met with any sympathy. And not only was there no sympathy, there was some, shall we say, backlash.

I am under no delusions that I am an attractive woman.  But I have not been showered with unwanted gifts of champagne and caviar, (first, because a gift of champagne is always a welcome gift in my world. Caviar though, I'll pass) nor am I constantly being burdened with upgrades to first class plane tickets. (the only time I have ever consciously gotten the pretty girl discount, was when my $3 and something left on my uk plus account was enough for the $6 something I needed for a pair of replacement lab goggles the one time I forgot them before chemistry lab.)  But you don't see me "complaining" about it like this brittish chick.

It's dirty common knowledge that pretty people sometimes have it a little easier in some areas. But no one want to have that acknowledged. So all she was doing was rubbing the not so pretty people's faces in it it seemed. And pretty doesn't make you a better person. But I guess it doesn't matter if you're ugly (or just less than beautiful) on the inside, because the pretty shell seems to be all you need anyway.

How to

I click on a video of the 5 financial mistakes couples make for their wedding, because, well, if it's wedding related, I click.
Yeah, the advice was totally worthless. (I'm in the red)

1. Assuming you have to go traditional. me: but I want traditional. Instead of a full meal, throw a chic cocktail reception. But Mike and I both get super cranky if we don't eat on a regular schedule and/or a full meal. Do you have to have your wedding on a Saturday? YES. And to save on the cake, do cupcakes which cost $3-$4 a piece, rather than a traditional cake which can be $6 a slice. $6 a slice?! Our cake is $3-4 a slice, which is the same amount as that supposedly cheaper cupcake. Besides, how do you cut a cupcake?
2. Poo-pooing electronic invites. Use electronic save-the dates and or invites. That's fine (and green), but not all of our guest are tech savvy. We're already forgoing the paper postcard return rsvp for an online one, which is greener and saves on postage.  Our save the dates the postage to mail them was more expensive than the save the date itself. And the actual invite doesn't have to be $9 made of silver leaf card stock with 14 pockets and information cards.      
3. Overstocking/indulging on the booze. Guest don't need premium alcohols to have a good time. We're doing beer and wine, and if anyone has a problem with that and insists that they will only drink a certain drink/liquor, then they can sulk in the corner for all I care and they're the asshole for complaining.
4. Splurging on party favors. Most guest don't remember/keep the favors in general.  Charitable donations are the way to go. I'm totally down with the charity thing, (we're trying to figure out a way to link one to our registry if someone would rather do that in lui of a gift) and I agree that a matchbook or lip with my wedding date is a waste of money.  But I think a little foodstuff favor is a nice gesture.  And besides, my parents  wanted a certain type of favor and are generously taking care of that for us anyway.
5. Not asking for a discount. instead of saying i want x, y and z how much will that cost, say here's my budget, what can you do for me. Sigh. I did that already. Not to mention researched the crap out of everything to know what was the best option.

The article was exactly like the million other smart money articles that tell me to brown bag my lunch instead of buying it, bring coffee from home instead of buying it daily, to quit smoking to save on health costs and save the cigarette money, and to do my nails at home rather than pay a weekly manicurist.  Information that I already figured out myself, or never even needed in the first place (you don't have to quit smoking if you don't smoke!)
And even though I'm putting in a ton of work planning the wedding, I'm having a complete ball doing so.  I don't mind researching, pouring over websites and crunching the numbers in the slightest.  It just comes down to not being an idiot when it comes to money.

Missing the Point

The day after the marathon, this girl walks in to breakfast in her sweats.  Well, she was sorta in sweats.
--hushed tones--
mike: Is...is that girl not wearing a shirt?
--we all look over--
lb: She has something on, it has a hood I think?  But it seems to stop at her midriff.
me: So, she's wearing a sweatshirt that exposes her stomach? I thought people wore sweats to cover up? She's sorta missing the point of the sweatshirt.
lb: She is completely missing the point of that hoodie!
me: Yeah, the only reason you wear a something like that in the first place is to show off. That her "problem areas" aren't a problem.
lb: Agreed. She's totally showing off.
mom: So, is she not wearing a shirt?
me: I don't think so.
lb: Because then what would be the point of that sweat shirt?

Logic

I look young.  I'm used to peoples' initial shock, but most people don't care that much and move on to other more important things.  Other people, it blows thier 'effing mind.  So they keep harping on how young I look.  And that's when I tend to get a little annoyed and/or snarky.
Like I was to one of my coworkers. He sits across for me during a break and opens with:

dude: So, I'm, like, still trying to figure out how you're 29.
me: I was born in 1982. That's how.