Saturday, February 4, 2017

ASStricked Second Amendment

The Second Amendment with today's asstricks
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.*

*nothing, not even the health and safety of the public,* can get in the way of everyone and anyone having a firearm. Everyone, even proven crazies that might be flagged (but not stopped, let's be honest) can get their unstable and hateful trigger happy hands on a gun. Not mildly alarming at all.
*us peions who don't have people surrounding us whose job is to take a bullet for you.

Thursday, February 2, 2017


Asterisk: noun
noun: asterisk; plural noun: asterisks
  1. a symbol (*) used to mark printed or written text, typically as a reference to an annotation or to stand for omitted matter.
ASSterisk: noun

  1. exceptions, most likely cherry picked to justify asshole behavior

This is first amendment with Cheeto-in-chief's ASStrericks

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion*, *except the TV ratings gods
or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;* except Islam, Muslims are bad hombres
or abridging the freedom of speech,* *unless you don't agree with Cheeto in chief's "alternative facts."  
or of the press*; *except Twitter. No fake news like CNN, The Washington Post and New York Times allowed either
or the right of the people* *white men and very pretty women 
peaceably to assemble,* *but not in groups larger than inauguration crowds
and to petition* *but not peacefully protest en mass 
the government* *the patriarchy 
for a redress of grievances* *not discrimination in the workplace, sexual assault, unpaid family leave, unequal pay, autonomy of our own bodies.... real issues like hurting Cheeto's feelings

Now onto Amendment 2...

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Feel the burn

As someone who has completed a full marathon (and couldn't walk to prove it) and enough half marathons to loose count on occasion (7. I think 7), I know a few things about working out. I love yoga, dancing like a fool is so fun and runners high are great. Achieving fitness goals and working out are things to be proud of. I'm totally for being active, taking care of oneself and having a healthy lifestyle, especially now that I am a parent.

But god people, I so. don't. care. about your workouts.

You signed up for a race? Awesome! You can fit into a smaller size after working on that for months? Wonderful! Quit smoking 3 years ago? Rock on! Hell, even I've posted about getting stuck in my sports bra, because flailing around like a T-rex is hilarious.

But: Mention you got up at 4 am again to use your favorite treadmill at the gym? Ran 4.13 miles on run keeper? Announce you're 17 days into your wheat grass/acacia berries/organic unicorn hair-diet lunch? Instagramed the kettle bells that were "torture but OMG soooo worth it?" And posted some little workout quip along the lines of sweat is fat crying leaving your body- all within 12 hours?