Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I did a last cleaning (out) of dr soc's freezer before he closed on his house here in Lexington. Amongst the spoils was some freezer burned Ben and Jerry's ice cream (I just scrape of the freezer burn, its fine) some frozen veggies/meal helpers, a bag of shrimp and some garden and turkey burgers.

Now dr soc is not a vegetarian. I would never be with a man who doesn't love bacon! But he's health conscious and likes to get the reduced fat low calorie stuff whenever he can. Or he'll have leaner meats such as turkey or a veggie burgers instead of cow. Though he never cooked with or even had olive oil until I gave him a bottle because I like to cook with it and was tired of asking if he had some even though I knew plenty well that he didn't.

Anyway, he had the fake burgers in the his freezer, which now reside in my freezer. In the previous fridge/freezer clean I had brought home a box or 2 of garden burgers, which are taking prime real estate according to my mom. So as I'm stuffing the last round of stuff in my (mom's) freezer, she walks into the kitchen and inquires as to what I've brought home.

me: turkey burgers
mom: god, more fake burgers.
me: yep pretty much.
mom: you are going to make him eat real meat again right?
me: of course!
mom: oh good!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Initials vs hypen

Conversation between me and dr soc in reference to our last names.

well I think the hyphen is bullsh*t. Though, since you don't think it is, if I hyphenated my name, would you hyphen yours?

dr soc:
...sure I guess

me: Though how does that work? For me, my last name would still be first of the two and I would still be in the T's. I would not move up in the alphabet at all and that is so not the plan! Where as if you would just tack on my last name and still be a B and whatever, no impact. Course, nothing says that since I was changing my name regardless that I couldn't put your name first.
dr soc:
But, good thing for all of us I'm going the traditional route and just taking your name. * But really, I'm just planning on adding your last name as a 4th name but I'll go by my first, maiden and your last name. **
dr soc: Sure. So your initials would be STB. Oh! Hehehe! (he flat out giggled!) That's really close to STD.
me: Uh huh. I realized that, which is why I can't ever marry a D even though it is top half of the alphabet. Good thing you're a B, because that's even better and I avoid some unfortunate initials. Though fully they'll be SATB, and that's really close to stab, which makes me happy. ***
dr soc: sure. snicker.

*at this point I distinctly remember thinking I better shut up because I was probably scaring him.
**obviously, I did not.
***really obviously did not.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Maybe I've Been in the Kids' Department a Little Too Long

So I actually had this conversation with my boss at work the other day:

I like monkeys! They're my favorite animal. Actually, no, they aren't my favorite. My favorite animal is the whole wide world is Bailey. My second favorite animal are dragons. And for a while I couldn't decide if it was dragons or unicorns but dr soc decided dragons were cooler and I agreed. Monkeys are after dragons. So my third favorite animal.

boss: Wow. You just said that like you were 5 years old.

me: Eh, at least I fit with the department!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Mommy Issues

You know who should listen to me but doesn't? My mom.
You know who doesn't listen to me and then is surprised when bad things happen? My mom.

On Bailey's walks, I now bring a bag of treats with me to use as a distraction and reward system. We've been having some good and uneventful walks together and I'm enjoying my time with my dog. But the walks take a little more time and coordination now. And because of this, I have stated that my dad is not allowed to walk Bailey at all since he cannot control her. Even though she has a new harness that deters lunging, I don't trust his coordination, her behavior and the two of those things together. He can accompany me or my mom on walks, but he is never to walk her by himself, and as far as holding her leash, that is no as well.

My mom lets him hold the leash. Because it requires less coordination than holding and dispensing the treats. But he still can't control her, and that is the problem. And this was proved when Bailey lunged in greeting another neighbor. While Bailey didn't get anywhere close to the neighbor and it wasn't the hateful one who's out to get my dog, it's a risk we can't have.

My mom called him and apologized. Fortunately, this neighbor wasn't bothered and has told us not to worry about it, so big sigh of relief. But OH. MY. GOD. The woman will not listen to me! I have told her to use the gentle leader when they take her out. Bailey hasn't worn that thing in months. I have told her to not let dad walk Bailey, and then she's surprised when Bailey jumps. There was the running issue a few weeks ago. I had to be the grown up in dealing with my dad's diagnosis. And she talks over me when she's too busy killing a joke instead of listening to whatever I have to say.

And while things with the dog are at an uneasy standstill for the moment, I'm just having a flash of the future and her not listening to me and dr soc when it comes to our kids. I'm more than ok with the kids having fun at grandma's house, cause that what you do there. But what if she ignores something important? And what happens if this frustration keeps building? Could it get to the point where we reach an impasse? I don't want it to have that kind of relationship with my mom.

It has to be hard for a parent to view and listen to their children as adults. But if she could just listen to me on the important stuff, maybe I wouldn't feel so strained.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I decided I wanted a career as a librarian. So, yay, career!

But truth be told, I don't want my career to be my life. I don't want to work more than 40 hours a week and I don't want to take my job home with me. I have no desire to climb any type of corporate ladder. And I don't want to constantly hit my head on the glass ceiling while doing so.

So I picked a more family friendly career. Because that's ultimately what I want, my own family. I do want both, the career and motherhood. I don't want to have to choose between them and I'm grateful that I don't have to do so like I would have had to in the 1960's. I do want everything. I just don't exactly want it the way feminism tells me I should.

And you know what? I don't feel bad about that.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

1950's House Wife

I don't think Dr soc is too keen on the idea of me being a kept woman. Something about social equality and all that other stuff he has his phd in.

And as fun as it would be to be a 1950's style housewife and do nothing but cook, clean the house and raise my 2 future Rhodes scholar children all while wearing pearls and heels, I'd frankly suck at the job. Mainly because I'm messy, have no children as of yet and a good 1950's housewife "knows her place" and lets her husband talk first. Which we know I hardly let him talk, let alone first. Nor do I have any pearls.

Oh and that whole know your place secondary to your husband status bull makes me stabby and that's still not a legal defense.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I've been talking about how worried I am about my dad, but I haven't told the blogosphere exactly why I am. But I'm not going to do that now. My dad's oddities can be explained by one word. And I'm assuming many of you already know or can guess what that is, because you are smart people. That or I have told you personally, or you know what I was fearing for the past 2 years.

But this not reveal thing by simply not blurting it out is a slippery slope. On one hand, it's an instant explanation and we're granted understanding and (quite often) instant sympathy. So on that hand, it takes the pressure off the concealment. But on the other hand, there's pride, my dad's and my own. Which says, it's not anyone's business in the first place, and to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to label him for pride's sake, but also because I don't want to make him an easy mark. There are a lot of unscrupulous people out there in this world and you just never know.

So I explain when I have to. We get to keep our pride for a while. And we just continue to worry.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Stress Management

Everyone is telling me I need to manage my stress. Let's file that under the no shit sherlock category. It's pretty obvious I need to do so. My chest constricts several times a day. I get anxious and nervous just as often. I'm on the constant verge of tears and almost any little thing can start them.

I know that stress is a natural part of life. I just have a ridiculous amount of crap going on right now, and all that ridiculous amount of crap is really stressful crap. I know that I need to manage it. But the problem isn't that I haven't found the time to try to calm down and relax. It's that I don't have any place to do so.

I have no place I can mentally check out. School is school, where I need to be a senior student with 18 credit hours so I can graduate. Work, while not stressful in the slightest, is still work. But home is where my biggest stressers and things I worry about most are. My dog and my dad.

I'm constantly worried I'm going to come home to bad news. That Bailey lunged at another person, or another ticket or worse a citation. Or that the hateful neighbor has taken action. I'm worried that my dad has had a bad day, or walked the dog by himself. I worry that he'll get lost, hasn't eaten lunch or instead eaten every single snack in the house instead of lunch. I'm worried that when I talk to dr soc at night that if we start talking about my dog we'll get in a fight about her. And I hate that when the stress does get to be too much for me to handle and I break down, he's not here to let me sob on his shoulder.

So yes, I know I need to f*cking manage my stress. But until I find a place to do so, I'm pretty much shit out of luck.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


I'm partying it up at a my APX chapter's birthday bash right now. We're 10 baby! (Well, I'm trying to enjoy myself at least, I'm still in a constant state of worry)

Anyway, being the big shindig that it is, the chapter sent out invites and rsvp cards as well. And me, knowing a few things about etiquette, filled out my rsvp, wrote a check, put them both in the pre-addressed envelope included in the invite, and put it in the mail. I did this all in a timely manner.

I also mailed it without a return address or any postage. Yep.

Once I realized I had done so, I emailed the brother in charge and asked him to keep an eye out for it, just in case it got there. He (rightly so) laughed at me, but fortunately, the chapter got it anyway. Hence, the partying it up now with my brothers. I just owe one of them a stamp!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Why My Nerves Are Shot TO HELL

There is a neighbor who hates my dog. Hates her in the sense that they want to press charges. Bailey lunges at people and I know that is scary for some. She is always on her leash when we are outside and I am able to control her. And while she does lunge, she's never harmed anyone or anything. She's received 2 tickets from animal control in the past month and a half. Both of those times she was walking with my dad, who we know can't control Bailey, or even be able to tell me the full story. And both times it was the same person who called animal control. My mom talked to the neighbor which is how we found out who hates my dog, and that they want to, but won't yet unless we do something, press charges.

Of course I panicked. Big time. I called dr soc in an emotional frenzy and explained in between sobs while he wisely kept his mouth shut about his personal issues with my dog. He was able to calm me down some and help me down the rational path a little. My first step was that I had to find out what was going on, who had what rights and what can be done. So I called animal control and got some more details and helped me understand things a little better.

First, these are nuance complaints and not citations. Citations have court dates, and furthermore, my animal is not been categorized as a violent animal by animal control. The records show that I have followed up on both these tickets and they've been dismissed in a way.

Second: Animal control has never seen my animal, or any evidence of violence, which is why she is not categorized as a violent animal. Animal control needs to witness violence towards one of their officers or physical proof, such as a mauled (or dead) animal, a bite mark in order for them to issue the citation.

However, this neighbor can still press charges in a civil suit if they wanted too. But the burden of proof is on the person pressing charges. And as far as I know, there is none of that. Because Bailey hasn't harmed anyone. Yes I know she mouthed someone's arm, and that was scary. But she didn't bite, leave a mark and no physical harm was done. So if this was to go to court, for the moment I think it's my word against theirs.

I'm not making excuses for my dog. I have called a private trainer and we''ll get Bailey to stop lunging at strangers and calm down. I am the only one that is walking her now. I work with her on basic obedience every single night. And I stay the hell away from my hateful spiteful neighbor as well. We're moving in 2 months anyway. But even when I get her trained and if she were to become 100% perfect angle, I'm always going to have this threat of legality over my head now. And this all consuming fear that I could loose my dog sends me to tears at almost anytime of day. I'm trying to be as proactive as I can in this, but I am teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I am always going to be on the defense when it comes to Bailey. I am always going to be fighting for her. And I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Sob Story

I have cried, or stopped myself from doing so, almost every single day for the past 2 weeks. Usually it's over my my dad, over my dog, the combination of those two, the frustration that won't ever go away, my classes or a test that I'm not ready for, no one listening to me and the feeling that even if I was able to convey how big a stress ball my life is right now that it doesn't really matter anyway.

What I really want to do is just sob. Cry fat sloppy tears and wail at the top of my lungs, kicking and screaming at the injustice of everything. To the point where I've literally cried out all my tears but I'm still hiccuping and eventually exhaust myself into a really deep sleep. But I don't even have the energy to get that started.

But what does it do? Crying doesn't solve anything. My life will still be a stress ball, my dad is still going to worry me, my boyfriend will still not trust my dog, still still still. So. I just continue to stop myself from crying.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I just wanted a dog

I just wanted a dog. I'd never had one before but I wanted one as an adult. A dog who I could walk and play with, who would protect me if I needed it and would be my companion. I wanted to take care of something and it would love me in return for it. So we got Bailey and I had what I wanted. I expected to have to deal with some accidents during the house breaking, her eating a few things she shouldn't and some frustration, but normal puppy stuff.

I did not expect to have to make the try-to-save or euthanize choice within the first week of being a pet owner. I did not expect to make that choice again 9 months later when knee gate occurred. I didn't expect to sink $2000 into her (now bionic due to the $2000) knees. I certainly didn't expect to leave my fiance and leave the dog with him after all that. I didn't expect (though I wasn't surprised) to have to find a new home for her when he couldn't take care of her. And I didn't expect my dad and mom to cave and let me have Bailey even though I pleaded, begged and cried for 5 days strait as I was trying to find a new home for her. So then I got Bailey for real again and then I had what I wanted.

So after all that, I'm a little lax and forgiving when it comes to Bailey. Because I'm just grateful that she's A: alive and B: all mine. But dr soc isn't as lax a pet owner as me and Bailey makes him nervous. And even though our dogs like each other, he's always going to be worried about Bailey and her behavior. So I'm in this awful place of feeling that one day I may have to choose between him and my dog. He makes me happy and with him I can have everything I've ever wanted. Bailey makes me happy because I've fought tooth and nail for her and she loves me unconditionally.

::whimper::. I just wanted a dog.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Bla Bla Bla

So I get that when you a person who talks a lot, that not everyone listens to you at all times (not even your boyfriend, though he makes a valiant effort). But to not listen to me all the time just pisses me off. Like my mom does. I'm not even going to get into the not listening thing with my dog issue right now. I'm frustrated at her for a running issue.

After I jumped on the long distance running bandwagon with my sister's encouragement, my mom did too. So she's all proud of herself and running and decided maybe she'll want to do a half marathon like both her girls have done.

First, it takes her months of maybe-I-will-maybe-I-wont talk just to idea of running the thing in the first place. And then another few months to commit to sign up and pay for the damn thing after my sister and I told her to put her money where her mouth is just do it already. My sister promises to run the race every step of the way with her and finally mom dilly dallies int a decision to go for it. And I'm a little jealous because I wanted to do a race this fall too, but I know I wouldn't have the time to train for it this semester.

So now she's training and all is well, and race day is this Saturday. Both my sister and I tell her (repeatedly) to not run more than 10 miles for her longest run and to taper off the week before the race. Because that's what we've both done and we've completed 8 (I think) half marathons between us. So mom decides to not listen and runs 11 miles on Sunday and twists her ankle. So race day was not looking like a possibility right then. However, Mom saw a sport doctor on Wednesday. And they said she wouldn't do any more damage to the injury and it was ok to run on Saturday. So race day is still on!

And now, mom's thinking about not doing the race. WTF, I am ready to scream at her. She got the injury by being bullheaded and not listening to both my sister and I. You know, runners. (so we're not pros. We're still f*cking runners) And then, a SPORT DOCTOR tells her it's ok to run and she gets all trepidations about it. You know, someone who went to med school and specializes is this stuff and who is a professional. Their advice isn't good either!

I had to rearrange my work schedule to see her run this. I have to study this weekend after her race in addition to watching my dad the entire time. I had to find a dog sitter (thanks Laura btw!). My sister bought her plane ticket and just finished her 5th marathon last Sunday (yay Amy btw!). Frankly I think she's just being a sissy. But by telling her to suck it up I look like the ass hole.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tweet Tweet

I saw this book at work the other day:
cover courtesy of Amazon

And my initial response was to say this out loud: no monkeys don't tweet, but there are a lot of monkeys on twitter. --pause-- I can't believe I just said that.

Yep. I don't know either.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Higher Education

I just confirmed my appointment to take the GRE. ::eep::

Yep, I want to go to grad school. I wasn't sure if I would want to go back to school again after doing the same thing almost 2 years ago. But after working in a library it's pretty much only a matter a time that you want to be a librarian yourself.

However, to be a librarian you need to have a Masters in Library Science (sometimes it's masters of library and information science depending on the program). Masters means grad school. Which means I need to take the GRE (among many other things).

I found an accredited library school program in Charlotte which is what spurred the decision to at least try for it. I'm putting all my eggs in one basket since this is the only program I'll be applying to. But I have to try. And taking the GRE is one of the first steps in doing so.

Holy crap. I'm doing this.