High Hopes

Girl-2 is a burper. Which is perfectly normal but since Girl-1 rarely burped (she still doesn't burp much really) any burping, especially the juicy ones, we notice more. Dr soc and I (okay, more me than him) find burps hi-lar-ious, so we (okay, more me once again) have high hopes Girl-2 will one day give us a "Ben & Jerry's burp."

The backstory: Dr soc and I were on the patio of Ben & Jerry's one afternoon (either engaged or newly married) with a mom and her 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Out of nowhere, the girl (about 8) lets out this monster burp. I'm talking John-Belushi-frat-boy-dragon-roar-style burp, followed with a dainty "'s'cuse me!" I absolutely lost it, laughing so hard I couldn't stop. Dr soc was laughing too, but not nearly to my extent. The mom was mortified, but the girl was quite proud of herself judging from the smug smile she was giving her brother. From that moment on, that "Ben & Jerry's burp" was deemed the pinnacle of burps and utter hilarity.

So here's hoping one day, Girl-2 (or Girl-1, really, just one of them), gives a "Ben & Jerry burp" and I laugh as hard as I did that one afternoon!

Thanksgiving Play, Act 2, Scene 3

Since we've been in North Carolina, dr soc and I have hosted Thanksgiving. Neither one of us really has the time from work and now with Little Turkey's birthday, hosting has been what works best for us. We know what works as far as the food, guests sleeping arrangements and things to do, so the weekend runs well, is a lot of fun and we look forward to it.  
But in the issue of full disclosure: it did not start that way. It started like this:

--SCENE SET UP--   

I cook. Dr soc cleans kitchen behind me, including stuff still being used. I use another spoon/dish/pan since I can't find anything. Dr soc washes new dirtied item. We continue to get in each other's way throughout the day. Tempers shorten at 1:1 ratio of missing:dirty items.

--BEGIN SCENE--

me: (pour olive oil in pan. decide to forgo whatever meal that was. look for clear space and place pan on top of drying rack to left of the sink)
dr soc: (sees pan with liquid. grab dish towel. start wiping oil)
me: (blurt across kitchen) Oh no honey! That's not water, that's olive oil!
dr soc: (exasperated) Then why was it on the clean side?
me: (completely frazzled. look at dr soc)
dr soc: (eyes widen. throw up hands) Sorry! I'm sorry! (backs out of kitchen-fearful) 

--the next hour--

dr soc: (slink* into the kitchen to clean)
me: (see slinking. screech) I'm not done! (flail hands) Still using that! (strangled incoherent gargle) 
dr soc: (leave kitchen)

(repeat 2-3 more times at random intervals throughout flurry of holiday activity)
--END SCENE--

At the time it was just ridiculous but now it's one of my favorite memories and I crack up whenever I tell it (seriously I'm giggling hard core right now). But needless to say, we've gotten a lot better.

*this is very hard to do with an open plan like we have

Ode to the Baby Wipe

I suppose the Ode to the Baby Wipe is a right of passage of sorts, since once anyone starts using them they realize what wonderful and useful things they are. So I present:

The Baby Wipes Ode

You wipe much more than baby's bottom,
Though that is your main MO.
The truth is you clean so many things,  

Messes in general, are your foe.

 
You've touched every surface in my house,
Leaving no streaks or residue fog.
You don't grab crumbs from the floor however,
But that's because we have a dog.

I do admit, I have brand preferences,

To me some have more clout.
But I love you wipes enough in general,
to ever go without.

I buy in bulk and keep stashes on hand,

Diaper bags aren't complete without you.
I keep you in my purse and car,
Plus gym bag, stroller and highchair too.

At some point my kids will be potty trained,
So I won't need you quiet as often.
But baby wipes I'll never give you up completely,
I love you so, you're awesome!

Ridiculousness

I'm at work when my co-worker (male, and maybe old enough to be my grandpa) tells me "dear, I think you have a rip in the back of your pants." I had no idea and of course I can't see it, so I'm comically looking over my shoulder turning in circles trying to look at my ass. I asked Nelson where the rip was, but then he said with some embarrassment "well, it's in a spot I don't really want to point it out..."

Upon hearing this, I know I need to go to the bathroom to look. And sure enough, my jeans have thinned so much along the seam there's a noticeable bare patch from ass to lady-parts. Cue the giggling. Fortunately for me, I'm only working a half day, and even more fortunately I'm wearing full coverage underwear. But this doesn't solve the immediate problem of there being a rip in my pants.

Now, the whole time I'm spinning in circles our other coworker could see us on the security camera in the back all he can do is laugh. I'm the MacGyver of our staff so if anyone is going to fix this problem it's going to be me. Plus we are talking about my pants, and the only one who should be taking care of those types of problems is me (or my husband) anyway. While I don't want to put tape on the outside of my pants, I figure I can put some inside just to keep the rip from getting bigger in the next 2 hours.

But then, I couldn't find any duct tape. We had packing tape, sealing tape, book tape, masking tape, double-sided tape, scotch tape and some tacky glue, but no duct tape. I decided that the sealing tape was the next best option since the width of the tape was bigger than the rip, thus I would have to use less of it. I go back to the ladies room, place the necessary amount of tape to keep the rip in place and head back to the workroom. But suddenly I have a different problem: the tape crinkles as I walk. And honestly, I'm not sure which one is worse!

At least I can sit for most of my 2 hours left, so it's really not going to be that bad, just funny. I text my husband about how silly this day has been, and his response is: "at least you are taking it in stride." Which made me realize we would be making a lot of walking/my pants puns. But I figured the whole situation was ridiculous enough, so if a rip, some tape and a couple of bad puns was as bad as it was going to get, it would be fine. But I was wrong, because then the tape starts itching.

At that point I just gave into the complete ridiculousness of the situation and giggled the rest of my shift. Sitting down. 

Face Palm

I was at the desk at work when story time let out, and a mom approached the desk. She and her family had just move to the area and wanted to know what she needed to get a library card. I informed her that I would need a photo id and proof that she lives in the county, so a lease, a piece of mail, etc. She didn't have anything with their Charlotte address on her at that moment, so I couldn't get her a card. She was quite understanding and said she would bring in something next time she came in, no big deal.

Her son though (who was about 4), was really, really hoping to check out a book. So when his mom told him they couldn't today because she didn't have the paper they needed, he was very upset. Because his reaction?

He facepalms!
And then big fat sloppy tears start rolling from his eyes and he is inconsolable. I know I shouldn't have, but I  jut had to bite my lip to stop giggling at the kid's reaction.

At Auntie's House

Last Saturday my good friends from college stopped by on thier way home from thier family vaction at the beach. I was really excited to see them becasue they had never seen my house, but I also hadn't seen thier kids (in person) in over a year since their little dude's baptism when he was 3 months old and thier daughter was almost 2 and a half.  So lots of stuff had changed, except that the kids are just too adorable for words.

Anyway, we were showing them the house and we were looking for a spot for the three year old to maybe take a rest later. At some point the three year old, a crazy dog and I were sitting on the daybed we have in one of our rooms. I'm holding crazy dog back a little so she won't spazz the child off the bed, and N discovers that the day bed is a really good bouncy bed.

So there's N bouncing on the bed, her curls flying around and she says excitedly: this is a really good bouncing bed!
me: I bet you can't do that in your house can you?
N: No!
me: Ok. 

--And let her continue bouncing. Becasue I am an awesome auntie--

That is one smart cookie. She totally knew her limits in that she can't bounce on the bed at her house, but it's cool at my place.  Then later when both of them were upstairs and my husband went to check on them, she and her brother/partner in crime were bouncing again, having a great time.*

Fun times!

*We really didn't care. We probaly won't let Sharktopus and Dinocroc bounce on the beds at home, but that's becasue of it's thier home and there are rules. But that's ok becasue they can always bounce on the beds at thier auntie's houses!

good mom bad mom

I am a good pet momma because I took Bailey to the vet to have her paw looked at when I noticed a blister-like thing on it.
I am a bad pet momma because I post pictures like this:

Cone of Shame!

Simply because it makes me laugh.
No idea what the blister thing is since it was too inflamed for the vet to look at. She's on some meds to control it and we'll revisit it in 2 weeks. Until then:

I do not like the cone of shame.
And I do NOT appreciate you suddenly becoming a photographer either momma

Sorry Bailster! 

Alternatives

We're the first couple to get married at our venue, so the place/staff pretty much has no idea what we can and cannot do. For example:  most places don't allow confetti, rice, bird seed, flower petals, ect, to be tossed at the couple because it is a pain in the ass to clean up.  However, at my venue, totally ok to do so (because they have no idea).
When I asked if we could have a unity candle in the ceremony (more on that in a second), they also said that was alright. As long as we have the fire martial present. Which, what? Three lit candles total, burning for a half hour in a room with 150 people to keep an eye on it, and I have to have a fire martial? But we can have those same 150 people each throw a handful of rice at us, create a big ol' mess and that's ok?

Anyway, rather than make a fuss about it, I just figure we can do something else in lui of the unity candle.  So I google* unity candle alternatives, and here are some alternatives:

• Sand. (Mike's brother did this at his wedding. It was nice) 
• Water (Colored water, white dress, my penchant for splashing....not so much)
• Knot tying (3 ropes: bride, groom, and god. Fine for some couples, but definitely not us.)
• Foot washing. (my uncle and his wife did this. It's as awkward and weird as that sounds)

But the one that just took the cake for us was:

• Painting.  Two canvases, side by side, and the moms place brushes up there. The bride and groom then each squiggle some abstract artistic line across the seam, spanning both canvases. So that, if separated, the abstract canvases look silly, but when joined together, create a unified, symbolic, and unique piece.  Uh huh.

Now, as I'm reading this idea to Mike, we are both just laughing groaning at the cheese factor and the clicheness of it all.  It's a unique** enough take on the idea, but it's campy as hell.***

Now with an influx if alternatives, I start thinking logistics. Because one of the elements that I really like in the unity candle ceremony is our moms lighting the two candles prior to us. So if we use something like sand, water, or even colored rocks to pour into a vase, how do we get our moms involved? Do they pour whatever we decide to use into something first? Do they carry it down the aisle?  So then I start cracking up at the thought of having our moms carry a bag of rocks down the aisle. (oh like you aren't laughing either. It's a bag of rocks!) Needless to say, the idea needs some more thought.  

*Does anyone else get slightly disappointed when they open google and it's the regular logo and not a google doodle?
**IE: stupid.**** 
***Plus, is it really all that unique if the other thousands of couples getting married this have to share the same 8 ideas? Just saying.
****Judging! Judging!

Full Circle

Dr soc and I took this weekend to visit Lexington and select some of the major wedding things.  When we first discussed marriage I told him I wanted to get married in Lexington, since it's where I grew up and it's where we met, and he agreed. 

So we get into town and are heading out to appointments, but dr soc needed to get new shoes.  He had stained them when cutting my parents grass (such a good future son-in-law!), and since I will never turn down a chance to go shoe shopping, we add that to our list of errands.  I tried on a fabulous pair of royal blue Betsy Johnson shoes that were a half-size too small, but they were fabulous and on sale so I had to at the very least try them on.  (I considered them for my wedding shoes, but I decided that cutting off a few toes to wear them all wedding day long wasn't worth it).  But dr soc eventually found a pair he liked and on sale, so we start walking back to the car to grab lunch and then look at some venues. 

We're about to cross into the parking lot, and we're waiting on this one last car to turn.  As it drives past, I noticed it has a school insignia vanity plate, which I quickly read, judged and forgot about.  I look to my other side to see if we can finally cross when dr soc says "oh my god," and laughs a little nervously.

me: What?
dr soc: That, that was my ex-girlfriend. Sh*t.
me: Which one?
dr soc: K.
me: Ohhh.  Ok.
dr soc (flustered): Hell, I haven't seen her in something like 3 years.  I move from Lexington and the weekend that I come back with my fiance, to look at wedding stuff, I see her.  I guess things come full circle.
me: --Snort--

I laughed because I know their history, (well, his side) so I know this was an ugly breakup, a big o'l mess later totally Lifetime movie* story worth. And because I am supportive, I end up getting a major kick out of this and giggle over it for the next 2 days at his discomfort.  Yep, supportive.  Now I just wonder if we'll see the other ex when we go take our engagement pictures. 

*If he was the central character of the movie, the movie would end happily by him receiving my eharmony profile.  But since it's a Lifetime movie, the movie would more than likely feature his ex as the main character and portray him as the calous guy)
 

Interesting Analogy

dr soc: We need eggs.
me: No we don't, there are still at least a half dozen left.
dr soc: But they're past their expiration date.
me: That doesn't necessarily mean they've gone bad. At least check them before you throw them away and waste the money. I know how to test them, it's fine.
dr soc: How do you check them without breaking them?
me: You submerge them in water. If it sinks it's good, if it floats it's rotten.
dr soc: Like witches?
--pause while I think about that--
me: Yeah!
dr soc: Cool!

Typical Night

Typical night at my house: We love to nap next to our friend!

Jules releases silent (not always silent) nuclear stink bomb (but always stink bomb) from her butt.

2-5 seconds after detonation human closest to Jules exclaims: Ugh!/God!/Whoa! Jules!

Stink bomb continues to waft past other dog and towards other human.

--Bailey does not stir--

2-5 seconds after first human initial smell, other human is affronted by the stink bomb.

Second human exclaims: Gah! Jules! Much to same effect as the first human

First human: Warned you.

Second human: That delay will get you.

Both humans: laugh because we are 14 and think dog gas is funny

--Bailey snores harder, still not stirring--

Jules releases again...

Last Name

Because I am a kept woman (and enjoying it!) for the moment, dr soc is the one who paid for our gym membership. One of the new membership things they give you is a gift card to use towards some of the other services they offer (like tanning or childcare) that we didn't include in our overall membership package.

Since dr soc and I both already had personal fitness goals, (me: break 2 hours in a half and him bulk up but not to the point where he's too big and can't put his arms down and I laugh at him) we used the gift cards towards few one-on-one sessions with a personal trainer tailored towards our individual goals. Mine specializes in endurance sports, and dr soc's, well, I don't know what dr soc's specializes in.


But anyway when the sales associate was scheduling us for our initial sessions, "for fun" he gave me dr soc's last name. Which I didn't bother to correct, amused me highly and took it a step further by cheekily smiling at my boyfriend daring him to say otherwise. (he is fully aware of my move-up-the-alphabet covet and of my intention to take his last name). To which dr soc paled slightly and replied "you're (sales guy) speeding everything up!"

Fully aware of dr soc's discomfort, I continued to refer to myself in third person as Sarah Soc (Soc is not his real last name) for the rest of the evening. Because it simultaneously continued to amuse me and scare him. Yep. Ahh, domestic bliss!

Word Association

Me: Apparently there's nothing quite like herpes on a car.
Dr Soc: What?
Me: Oh. Wait. I mean glitter on a car. Yeah, nothing like glitter on a car. It messes up the paint pretty bad apparently.
Dr Soc: So how did that become herpes?
Me: Glitter is the herpes of crafts. So I made the connection in my head but the connection didn't make it out from there. So hence: herpes on a car.
Dr Soc: Oh well that makes sense. But you might not want to forget that part when you say that out loud, or you're going to have this conversation again.
Me: True. But I bet there nothing quite like herpes on a car either.

Presents!

My dr friend and her fiancé (who I also consider a friend as well) dog sat for me last weekend when I ran my Nashville race (Bailey was better for them then she ever has been for me btw). Thanks guys, you rock!

But anyway, I had to take Bailey over there and all her stuff too. So I packed up her dishes and toys and bed, but also her crate. Dr soc went with me to help with the heavy lifting but also to meet my friends (and he received an A grade too, woot!).

We're bringing in the aforementioned crate and he asked if it was a collapsible one or one I had to assemble. It's an assemble type much to everyone's chagrin. So dr soc said something along the lines of "I think you need a collapsible crate for you birthday." ::pause:: Then he imagined my reaction would be something along the lines of "Wow, what a...practical gift..."

To which I responded: "But I don't want to be at the practical gift stage. Clearly, that's no fun!"

Though I have to admit, I really would like a collapsible crate so I can take Bailey with me whenever I see dr soc or when someone dog sits. Maybe practical gifts aren't the worst thing...

Boy Talk

A tweet from me the other day:
"glad we've been spending time together :)" <--someone decode boy speak for me.

The response from a friend:
@spazzella translation: "I want to spend more time with you, but am avoiding creepdom by omitting saying your clothes don't need to attend"

Ohhhhhhhh. Snort. Gotcha, thanks!

So I had This Thought the Other Day

Since the Vatican is an independent country, does this mean they could compete in the Olympics?

Well no, we looked that answer at up at work (oh btw, even though we claim to not notice/comment/judge on what materials you check out, we so totally are).

Then I started giggling uncontrollably, because I get the mental image of the pope running in a race in full pope regalia, blessing people along the way. Meanwhile the other athletes are going nuts because they've trained their lives for this, but dude, you can't beat the pope. I mean, who does that?

And yes, this is really what goes on in my head.

Well Played

Remember how I wanted to pounce my friend's hot younger brother? And then when I saw him over Christmas last year I fully indulged a high school crush on him? *

*if I ever did get a steamy tryst with him (and oh yes, it would be steamy), I would never ever ever be able to look his sister in the eye again. She however, finds the situation highly amusing (because what friend of hers hasn't crushed on him? He's a freaking pilot in the air force and he's hot! I'm telling you, steamy) and would point and laugh at me while I hung my head in shame. (Worth it though? I think yes)

Anyway, I lust him and everyone knows it. But we all live far away from each other, so we only see each other on holidays and special occasions. Like last night.

T: We're going to trivia at 9 w/my two** brothers
Me: I'm in! See you soon
**the other brother is 18, so legal, but not in my cougar range

----later that evening after a few trivia rounds----

Me: you totally knew that when you said two brothers, I was coming right?
T: Oh yeah.
Me: Ha!

You know me well my friend. Well played. Well played. And thanks for the eye candy, Merry Christmas to me!

How Fairy Tales Have Ruined My Relationships

Quick Pic: Disney Princesses - Feminism? What Feminism?
I blame fairy tales for giving me unrealistic expectations on men.

Where are these single princes in their enchanted castles who need a gentle loving pure hearted woman to break the spell a wicked witch put them under? Dudes, I'd break the spell if I could find you! (could be it be that I am not gentle nor pure hearted?) But how am I supposed to meet a handsome prince nowadays anyway? The security around them is unreal. 'Eff.

While I agree with the link, I still love fairy tales. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite I think. Though I might have a hard time falling in love with a beast myself, since I don't like my men too hairy (except for facial hair, but that's a whole Oedipus/Electra complex thing). And there are a ton of other fairly tales besides the ones Disney Disney-fied. (Apparently there's a whole jewelry line based on the Disney princesses. Sleeping Beauty is the only one I kinda like, but I would prefer my beloved to design my engagement ring for me and not a cartoon character thankyouverymuch). (FYI, I have the fingers for a princess or marquis cut diamond, but I'm also liking the cushion cut as of late. All of those are acceptable with a pavé setting) But most fairy tales have a similar sort of plot: there's a little bit of trouble, shenanigans ensue, but someone comes and saves the day and they all live happily ever after. Though I like the ones that end with the evil do-ers getting some sort of comeuppance better. (I'm a little vindictive)

And while some are more beloved than others, Grimm's brother's Snow White does absolutely nothing for woman's empowerment. Girl is dum. Seriously, the dwarfs shut her in the house, say don't talk to strangers, and Snow White's all "'okay!" And then two minutes later the wicked queen comes by and Snow White's tells the queen "I can't talk to you!" But the queen counteracts with "I have shiny things" and Snow White gets all excited and squeals "okay!" and proceeds to let the queen in. You know, the person trying to kill her. The dwarfs save her dumb ass twice (thus keeping their maid), until the fateful apple that somehow outsmarts them all. The dwarfs go back to being slobs, I mean, mourn, prince charming comes by, sees the pretty dead girl and totally has to make out with her (umm, eww). And somehow this kiss removes the apple and she wakes up bright eyed and bushy tailed, and they go live happily ever after. But I want to know a few more things:
A: why didn't the dwarfs think to remove it first?
B: how come it didn't kill charming when he removed it?
C: if that kiss is what dislodged the apple in the first place, how far is his tongue going down her throat?

Friend crush

I had a total friend crush on my chemistry TA from the summer. That's not wrong is it?
I was really hoping I would get him again for this semesters lab, but no such luck. But so far I like this semesters TA, so I'm not upset. But anyway, my summer TA.

It wasn't a crush on a friend sort of thing. It wasn't even a crush in the sense I want to date him. It's not really a man crush or a bromance, because that's between two guys, and I'm not a man (clearly). But he was the type of guy that you could call up and say, "bring beer, a football helmet and be here in 20 minutes," and he wouldn't ask. He be there in 20 minutes with beer, football helmet, a fire extinguisher (because that's just good form) and be all in. In other words, I just wanted to hang out with him outside of class because he seemed really cool. But there are lines you shouldn't cross, and getting buddy buddy with your TA is one of those.

Plus, this isn't kindergarten when you can just ask someone, "will you be my friend?" Check yes or no. (though admittedly, those notes would be super handy in the grown up world, so much less hassle) Or you can have your mom set up a play date.

Morning Conversation

I'm sitting in my calculus class (at 8 am) and we have to work in groups. And that's fine because my TA is a spy and/or villain and it's hard to understand her anyway. But the 2 boys I'm working with (seriously, boys, one just turned 18 (18!)), one said I talk really quite.

Me: well, it's morning, I'm not awake in the morning.
boy 1: but you had coffee (eyes my travel mug jealously).
me: that means I can function, does not mean I'm awake (but hey my snark/wits/reasoning skills are in full form though!)
boy 2: where did you get coffee?!
me: at my house...
boy 2: Oh. You actually live somewhere.
girl next to me: where do you live?
me: At home, with my parents. And it's awesome.
all three: Really?