Jules

Jules crossed the rainbow bridge yesterday. She turned 13 in April but had started limping the beginning of the year and was starting to show her age. Last week she stopped eating and then suddenly it was time to let her go. When Bailey died she hadn’t been with us for several years, plus I wasn't the one who had to make the end of life decision. With 2 very noisy kids and their stuff everywhere you might not think our small quiet dog being gone would have such an effect, but wow, does it. I mean, we have crumbs now. Innocuous right? But no, all those seemingly innocuous things...hits hard. Without Jules now it feels...lonely. 

But what a good girl she was! Some of the best moments:

her blog debut

laser eyes

wow could these 2 mayhem!

though she did eat some of my best pregnancy snacks

She was so good with the human babies:

will snarf for foods

Jules: nothing to see here human. Jules got this 

girl 2: mommy! we have a dog!?!
Jules: drop those cheerios bald puppy

and by far the best broom we've ever had

whatever you have I want

strolling through her neighborhood

Sun on my belly, 'dis the life!

yard✔ sunshine✔ toy✔

you no dad lap...but you only lap here...so...

'dis my human! (both with more hair but less gray ones) 

beach please!

teenager Jules: ugh, go away human and leave me with my toy 

I batman bitch

Dear Jules, you are missed. Thank you for loving us silly humans and tolerating the little loud ones we brought in your house. Frolic happy spunky girl. And rest in peace sweet pup. 

Maybe it's

My dad passed away 5 years ago. I'm so good at remembering significant dates in general like birthdays and anniversaries, so I just can't not remember it. Today has been looming over me since June 1st and I've had this dull sense of dread leading up to it. And now it's here and it'll be gone soon and for that I'm relieved, but my heart just...hurts so bad today. 

Maybe it's the mess that is 2020. Maybe it's seeing my kids grow and knowing dad won't meet them on earth. They do lift my heart but today I'm so aware of the break Dad leaving left. Maybe it's all the anger and resentment coming back. Maybe it's not being able to call my mom and sister knowing I'll make them feel worse. Maybe it's wondering if I was kind enough. If he knew how much we love him. Maybe it's that I can only hope I made him happy. Maybe it's thinking it would get a little easier each year when it's not. Maybe it's all those things. Maybe it's none of them.

Today I'll cry and hug my little family tight. I'll change my profile picture and post my words to the internets. I'll miss my dad and think about him all day. 
Love you Daddy.

Hard Day

Today is the 4th anniversary of my dad's death, but this year it's weighing on me a lot since having to explain that to my 3 year old.

I was telling her that Grandma C (my mom) lives in Kentucky. She asked if Grandpa Steve lived there too, because Grandma S and Papa live together in Ohio. I told her he used to live there, but now he's in heaven. And because she's 3-
3: Can he come visit us?
me: No honey, he can't. And we won't see him right now, at least for a while.
3: Can we see him?
me: No sweetheart. No, not for a long time.
3: Why?
me: Well, um, he died a few years ago, before you were born.
3: Why did he die?
me: -deep breath- he was very, very sick.
3: Did he take any medicine?
me: He did, but he was so sick medicine couldn't help.
3: Why?
me: Sometimes people get so sick medicine won't work anymore.
3: Oh. Will he come back? Will he wake up?
me: No honey, that's not how death is. When someone dies, their spirit is gone.
3: What's that?
me: umm, a spirit is... Well, you know how you can see and hear things? And you talk, breath, and laugh? All those things?
3: yes!
me: well, all that together, that's a spirit. So my daddy's spirit is...is...it's gone sweetie.
3: oh.

By then I was pretty drained and I was starting to well up, so dr soc quickly changed the conversation and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

--later that night as we were tucking her into bed--

3: Mommy? Were you sad when your daddy died?
me: Yes sweetie. Very very sad. 

I still am. Miss you daddy.

Goodbye Bailey

My first dog Bailey crossed the Rainbow Bridge Thursday morning. 

She was almost 12 and had the best life a best friend could have had. She had a tumor in her nose and it spread to her brain or a clot paralyzed her back legs, so her wonderful family let her go and were kind enough to let me know.

I wrote Bailey this goodbye (even though she couldn't read or spell 😊) when she got her 2nd family in 2013, so here it is again for her forever goodbye. 

From the Muppets take Manhattan

Saying goodbye, going away

Seems like goodbye's such a hard thing to say.

Touching a hand paw, wondering why

It's time for saying goodbye

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?

Makes us remember the good times we've had

Much more to say, foolish to try

 It's time for saying goodbye

Don't want to leave, but we both know

Sometimes it's better to go

Somehow I know we'll meet again


Not sure quite where, and I don't know just when

You're in my heart, so until then

Wanna smile, 

Wanna cry

Saying goodbye

La la la, la la la la la

It's time for saying goodbye

Goodbye my dearest, dearest Bailey. Thank you for being my best friend the past 6 years. Thank you for your unconditional love, fierce loyalty and unwavering support. I'll never forget you and I will always miss you. I know you'll love and take care of your new family as much as you did me.  

I love you, forever. Goodbye my Bailey. Goodbye.

I took care of them Momma! Thank you for doubling my family! 

I love you too Momma. I love you too.

Goodbye Bailey. Giving you up made my heart heavy, but you lightened it by how happy you made all of us. Your family doubled in awesomeness and you made them so, so happy just by being you. Thank you for taking care of and fiercely loving us humans.   

Rest In Peace my sweet puppy.

Not Surprised

I'm not surprised at the tragedy of Charlottesville. 

Angry about it? Yes. 

Disgusted with all things white supremacists? Absolutely. 

Frustratingly sad and overall appalled? You better believe it. 

But surprised? No. 

This powder keg has been on a slow burn since king deplorable announced his candidacy. And I don't think Charlottesville is going to change a thing. There's going to be another rally. There's going to be more injuries. There will probably be more deaths. The orange asshole will condone by refusing to condemn. There will be public outrage. There will definitely be twitter shaming. But change? Probably not. 

That's fucking terrifying 

Love

Two years ago today my father passed away in the morning.
It's something I'll never forget. Even though he had been sick for years and it wasn't unexpected, I was still gobsmacked that this was the moment to truly say goodbye. I wanted to sob and have Dad comfort me like always, but I knew comforter was my role now. So I held it together, just enough. I called my sister so she was able to say goodbye. Mom, Mike and I sat beside him and told him over and over how much we love him. Mom and I each held his hands as he slipped away, and then he was gone. And I'll never forget that.

But something else I won't forget is that evening when so many dear friends came over. They all brought food so we wouldn't have to cook the next few days. We were laughing, remembering, looked through years of pictures, they just keept us company. Every light in the house was on, was it was loud, and it felt alive, surrounded and filled with love. So even though there was a huge hole in my heart with my dad gone, my heart still felt very full.

Life still feels that way at times. Like something is missing at times, or something has changed in some way, but my heart still feels full.

Miss You Daddy

Warning: this will get you in the feels

I... I miss my dad. So, SO much. 

 

I heard this song on the radio for the first time on my way to work and I started missing my dad something fierce and my heart just...ached. He's been gone for a year and a half now. There's a peace that came from knowing his time on earth was completely out of anyone's control. But even with that peace that doesn't mean grieving and missing stops completely.

Today you could say the simple reason I miss him is because he isn't physically here. But it's not just that. It's the culmination of so many other things his dementia robbed from us. Like:

• Time. As he declined time had a way of moving incredibly fast while simultaneously standing still. He missed meeting little turkey by a few months. Months. Months that went by in the blink of an eye but felt like my due date would never arrive at the same time.  
• Words. I emailed my parents a lot before moving to North Carolina with the mundane updates of my life. Turns out it was mostly my dad responding, so as he lost his typing skills (which were never that good to begin with) the emails stopped as well. What I would give to have one more response to my nothings again. And he was never much of a talker but everyone remembers he had the heartiest laugh. Him doubled over laughing at a sceen in Toy Story 2 is one of my favorite memories. I wish I could hear that again even if was because we were making fun of my mom. 
• Who he was as a person. I consider us lucky he never forgot who we were and that his personality didn't change him into someone mean. But seeing him struggle with numbers when he had a masters in math hurt. He was always able to comfort me with a tight hug, but as I became protective of him I was the one to comfort (I hope). And no one could talk my mom off a ledge like him, but his disease was the ledge.
• Him becoming the doting grandpa I know he would have been. He was looking forward to the days of "filling them with sugar then sending them home." He also wanted a grandson but so far neither me or my sister have accomplished that one. My kids will never get hug him though. But I'm so happy he was was able to hold and play with his fist grandchild. 
• Hope. He suffered from a degenerative disease and knowing that is the worst. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.    

I love you Daddy. I hope you knew that and I wish you were here. You live on in memories and stories, and you'll never be forgotten. But I miss you. I miss you a lot.

Happy Birthday Dad

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 71.

I hope he's loving all the cake and ice cream he wants in heaven. Every possible flavor and absolutely no tummy ache or brain freeze or any of those other things us mortals have to deal with. 
I miss you Dad. I wish you were still here so we could help you blow out the candles.
Happy Birthday Daddy. I love you.   

Father's day

Today will be the hardest father's day for me. Next year I will tell my baby what a wonderful grandpa they had, but this year I am just going to miss my daddy.

I will tell them: 

How he could always comfort me.

I guess 80's babies were allowed to sleep on their stomachs...

How he was always willing to help and had the biggest sweet tooth.

Making one of our birthday cakes (both of our birthdays are in July)

How supportive he was and how we had so much fun.

Swings, roller coasters and building sand castles, dad had our back

 And that he always listened to me chatter on.

And on... (I'm sure he tuned me out at some point, but you can't blame him)

He was so proud of and loved both his girls so much

Even if his signature look was just shaking his head at our teenage girl antics

But most of all, I will tell them how much I will always love him, and how much I know he loves them. 

CHEESE!

So next year as we're wishing dr soc a happy fathers day, I will also tell them that before mommy was a mommy, she is and always will be my daddy's girl.

I love you daddy. Happy Father's day.

Grief

Friday morning June 5 2015 I lost my daddy.
I don't have anything poignant to say. I miss him so much and my heart is aching in a way I never knew possible. And though I knew this would be the end result, it didn't make the actual event any easier to handle and the truth is you will never be ready to loose a parent. 
As his end drew close I didn't know if I would be strong enough to be there. But when it was time, holding his hand with my mom, telling him how much I love him and that everything would be ok, it was the only place in the world I was going to be.
I'm devastated my father is no longer physically on this earth with us. But I am happy he's at peace. I'm relieved my family's struggle with this disease is over. And I know he'll always be with me, and I take comfort knowing he was always loved and that he loved us.

Saying Goodbye

For my best friend
From the Muppets Take Manhattan. 

Saying goodbye, going away

Seems like goodbye's such a hard thing to say.

Touching a hand paw, wondering why

It's time for saying goodbye

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?

Makes us remember the good times we've had

Much more to say, foolish to try

 It's time for saying goodbye

Don't want to leave, but we both know

Sometimes it's better to go

Somehow I know we'll meet again

Not sure quite where, and I don't know just when

You're in my heart, so until then

Wanna smile, 

Wanna cry

Saying goodbye

La la la, la la la la la

It's time for saying goodbye

Goodbye my dearest, dearest Bailey. Thank you for being my best friend the past 6 years. Thank you for your unconditional love, fierce loyalty and unwavering support. I'll never forget you and I will always miss you. I know you'll love and take care of your new family as much as you did me.  

I love you, forever. Goodbye my Bailey. Goodbye.

I love you too Momma. I love you too.