Directive Language

So before I even had kids, I read somewhere/heard something that rather than saying 'stop xyz," use directive language in place. The reasoning that was the kid will hear stop xyz, and possibly stop mid whatever, but then they have to figure out what to do next in a split second and that can be overwhelming and big scary things and then meltdown. Something to that effect. 

Anyway, I liked that and tried to start thinking that way so it would be second nature when I had children who would listen to my every word and comply almost *85% of the time. 

* I say 85% because my 30-year old childless self was realistic and knew no one, let alone a child, would comply 100% of the time. Because I know my future kids would never**

**my real children never all the time.    

Anyway. It was harder than I thought, but I can do that on occasion. Some examples:

• Stop running! -> Walk please!
• For the hundredth time stop touching your sister's whatever -> For the hundredth time lets keep our hands to ourselves.
• Oh god stop stripping we are in public -> Oh god keep your clothes on for this moment please lord.
• Don't feed the dog your oatmeal I know it's hilarious but it's making both of you sticky and gross-> Oatmeal goes in just your belly and it's so funny how you get sticky and gross.    

It doesn't have to be complicated either, 43 year old me tells my real kids "take a deep breath" all the damn time instead of "calm the fuck down child" like I want to all the time.  

But it could work in other circumstances too. Like telling people to be kind, instead of stop being an asshole! Or like, how we should tell all men to understand consent instead of the simplistic "don't get raped" trope we tell women.  

I’m not here to…

Discuss xyz. But what I'm really going to do is express my opinion on xyz, and don’t want to hear anyone else’s abc opinion/facts. 

But if you do agree with xyz, you can comment in support. That's another unspoken rule of that 'disclaimer.' Another unspoken part: I put the disclaimer up because xyz is along the lines of the quiet parts said aloud. 

Funny thing is, the quiet parts were quiet usually due to shame or unpopular beliefs. Like separate but not equal is acceptable. Vaccinations are not  ‘big pharma’ money makers. Civil rights are only for cis-male-white everyone. Society may have changed and you may want to hold on to those outdated beliefs, but you kept that shit to yourself.  

So the I'm not here to discuss xyz really just means I'm going to say what I say and don't want to hear anything different. And in a way I get it, I also do not want to waste my energy defending my woke* ideals to closeminded fools.

*Whatever Offends Klanspeople* Easiest

*People because I'm being inclusive.  

Hypocrisy

How dare the government look at white peoples 2nd amendment right? But only for the white mostly male right holders. And even when a particularly hateful one of their own is a victim… if anyone points out you reap what you sow (aka fuck around and find out) that speaker is the asshole. 

And then that asshole will be canceled by the exact same people who are against cancel culture when it hurts any assholes in power. 

Not all white people bla bla bla, whatever. A blanket statement doesn’t apply to your special snowflake status. But they aren’t snowflakes themselves, no no no. That depravity is the snowflake. That snowflake is not special but also SO special. That not special special snowflake is not included in the blanket not all category with the other snowflakes who aren’t snowflakes.

Terrifying yes? 

The united states of misogyny

We don't need to beat this to death. I don't need CNN, Fox Faux news, NPR or anyone else to mansplain to me why, once again, a petulant convicted felon rapist spewing vitriol, beat the vastly overqualified and educated, this time Black/Asian, female candidate. AGAIN.  

We live in a systemically racist patriarchy. America has always oppressed non-white cis-males. Women, and above all a woman of color have always been expendable. THAT is why. Yes, the economy was a factor, but just like 'not all men' are rapist, jackasses, douche canoes etc, the economy was a portion of the problem, not the overall problem.      

Look, I know Madame President Kamala Harris couldn't have fixed everything for everyone. Big issues take BIG time, but she would have started fixing things. Because women, back women especially, get shit done because they have to. Meanwhile, the orange conman flings shit because no one will tell him no.

So, yeah, I'm scared. I'm angry. And I don't want to be kind to the asshats who voted for him. Once again, any "others" have to justify their existence in a country that has never seen them as equal. When he does exactly what he says he will do, no mater how outlandish, cruel, nonsensical it was, don't be surprised. I swear to god if you clutch your pearls I may choke you with them.   

Threenager take 2

Aaaaaand Girl 2 is 3!

Happy birthday my 

Snacky

Smiling (so so so smiley!)

Sketchy (wait-)

Snuggly! (omg her cuddles are fierce) 

little one! 

Sometimes (lots-times) you drive me insane, all-the times you are loud, but that is you, and you are who you are and we will always love you exactly like that.   

- Love mommy, daddy and big sis  

Fact Check

Apparently, facebook flagged this:

 as false and decided to shame me by labeling it so. This. A post a few people liked about a custom of women...wearing (1920s) bathing suits...eating pizza to annoy men. I mean I may not don a bathing suit* but eating pizza and as a bonus annoying men? YES. YES PLEASE. But this, this isn't factual? How disappointing. And also, I'm calling bullshit.

*restrictive clothing, duh, no thank you. Also how am I going to control men to not rape in a bathing suit? 

It's not like, a post on the popular custom of, say, racism. 
Or a post on a nonexistent pedophilia ring in a basement (also nonexistent) of a pizza parlor and a white male shot a gun into said pizza parlor. 

Or that the 2020 election was rigged. 

Or something from f*x news that always tells, informs yells, screams the truth vitriol, lies, misogyny, lies, animated, hateful rhetoric, lies, opinions of the fragile white privileged males people. Nothing that harmed or killed people.

No. A post about women eating pizza to annoy men must be fact checked and deemed as false. Because that is the real danger here.

But I suppose if these giant companies are now going to make a valiant effort hold everyone* accountable for their posts they have to start somewhere. 

*Except males, especially the old white powerful *ones. Males will never be accountable for anything.

*Especially them.  

Shame shame on me for not fact checking something that supports my ever growing desire to fuck the patriarchy.

A Lot - or - my 2020 Election Thoughts

In 2016 I wrote how horrified aka scared shitless I was with the presidential election results.  I knew then my husband and I would be okay the next few years.  And we have been.  We've been incredibly fortunate to not only have kept our jobs but also received our paychecks through this pandemic, and neither us or our kids have gotten sick (knock on wood).  Seven weeks ago right after RBG died my visceral reaction was fear.  And then anger immediately after that I was fearful in the first place, and do not regret an iota telling 2020 trump voters to fuck off and choke on their fox news bullshit.

You would be right to assume how relieved I am with the 2020 presidential results.  As of Saturday I feel that I and a lot of others can breathe a little easier. A lot of 2020 people still voted for him because they agree with his vitriol. Because they embrace and/or accept his racism and misogamy.  So it wasn't an easy win. We're still in a dumpster fire. There are still 10 weeks left of the orange asshole and his ass kissing cronies will absolutely aide and abet him. 

So I'm not about to nudge an olive branch to the 2020 trump voters. You don't get to say please be gentle with my hurty feewings after continuously abusing you the past 4 years. "Be kind" is well meant, but understand that it is said from a place of privilege. As much as I want to gloat that Biden won and dance with joy and scream neener neener neener at the top of my lungs...I won't...mostly because I'm afraid I could get hurt. There's still a lot of work to be done, and a lot of damage to undo. There's a lot of a lots. The chance for civility will be a nice change of pace though. 

But still, always: fuck the patriarchy. 

THOUGHTS

So. We have Disney + now. Which means we are watching a lot of the stuff from the vault. As an adult I have THOUGHTS and then tweet them:

While watching Little Mermaid:
-Thought 1: give up your voice and change everything about yourself for a boy.
.
Not a message I want to encourage at all
            |
-Thought 2: Ursula has the best villain song. This is fact
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-Thought 3: Arial is a complete simpleton on land with Eric and he finds that endearing?
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-Thought 4: hold on, Flounder got the life size stone stone statue to her treasure grotto, but he’s struggling now to get Arial, an experienced swimmer btw, to the wedding boat
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-Thought 5: she signed a contract Triton, if you really want her to learn her lesson this might be the way
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-Thought 6: how did Eric see them, let alone find them under the sea? Is the water that clear? Must have been before we polluted the world
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-Thought 7: wait isn’t she 16? And getting MARRIED? And her dad is okay with this?? WTF. King Triton is a dolt.
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-And finally- Thought 8: 4yo: why did she (Ursula) get power now? What made her so mean mommy? .
Me: the patriarchy

While we were watching Lady in the Tramp:
Watching the 1955 version of Lady and the Tramp.
.
SO. RACIST.
|
Though I will say all of (dog) Lady‘s troubles started due to an old white (human) lady’s fragility
            |
Lady was running around following a boy and she’s the one caught and tossed in the pound.
.
I turned that into a life lesson for my girl

And most recently while watching Frozen: 
Watching Frozen 4yo: why did Hans put Elsa in jail?? Me: because he is afraid of a powerful woman.
4yo: why is he afraid? Me: the patriarchy

Gold Stars

It's official, Girl 2 is allergic to peanuts.

Two weeks ago I gave her a dab of peanut butter* and she quickly broke out in red splotchy hives around her mouth and eye where she touched. We gave her benadryl which cleared it up pretty quick - thank god- (and then took a solid 2 hour nap -also thank god), and the pediatrician referred us to an allergy center for testing.

*I had shown Girl 1 peanut butter jelly time for some reason earlier so pb&j for lunch was sorta a given.

Yesterday was our allergist appointment and she was diagnosed with a peanut allergy (but not tree nuts, so that's a sliver lining). However, to even make it to the appointment, I had to rearrange my work schedule and take sick time. Dr soc was able to make it for most of the appointment but had to leave to go teach his classes while we were waiting to talk allergy action plan. Afterwards she was really clingy (can't say I blame her with her back getting all pricked up) and I couldn't put her down/stop comfort nursing, but I still had to get to work eventually.

So dr soc and I arranged for me to drop her off in his class on my way in. Not ideal, but special circumstances, for a short amount of time, it would be okay. And let's be honest, he's a white male so nothing can really harm him.

As far as we know he hasn't gone viral for being a parent, but the patriarchy is alive and well (thriving even!) so we figure at the very least society gave him another gold star or two for yesterday.

Girl Math

When the baby wakes up in the middle of the night I nurse her back to sleep. Being the middle of the night, I end up falling asleep in the chair in the nursery with her. So I don't get the best night's rest.

The dog has been having stomach issues recently and will whine to go out in the middle of the night, and with me sleeping in aforementioned nursery chair, dr soc has to be the one to get out of bed and let her out. So he doesn't get the best night's rest either.

We're a really cute couple that checks in with each other throughout the day with a text here and there. Stuff like: how's it going? dinner ideas? the status of the girls' potty doings, with some of our most recent check ins being trying to one up each other on who is more tired.

me: 90% of parenting is finding reasons to claim you are more tired

dr soc: truth. And busy

me: 76% is talking about poop

dr soc: 24% is for talking about the other 24%

me (not be outdone): 7% is scheduling sanctimommy activities, 93% is rearranging the schedule to accommodate those activities, and 78% of that is attempting to find a way out of it completely. And 100% of this math will be questioned due to my sex.

dr soc: math is HARD

  

Girls

As much as I love being a girl and the color pink, I really don't like to gender my girls that much with trying to smash patriarchy and all that. What do we want? Usable pockets! Equal Pay! Autonomy over our own bodies! When do we want it? Two hundred years ago!

Right. So. A few days ago I had my hands on the highchair tray playing with girl 2, and she develops those fine motor skills by gripping onto my engagement ring and squealing. And yesterday girl 1 had a big potty training accident at the sitter's so that even her shoes got wet. So on the way home it was "mommy I need new shoes! Lets go shopping for shoes!"

So I said to dr soc: we have one girl squealing over diamonds and the other wants to go shoe shopping. We have girls!

Chips

Over Thanksgiving I said that while the show Friends is funny, it's very homophobic and hasn't aged well. The religious side of the family didn't know what homophobic meant (it means you're an ass btw), which then brought up their shock and dismay at the same sex kiss the Macy's parade broadcasted. Their opinion didn't surprise me, but I do not agree with them and didn't want them to think I did, especially in my own home. So I stared them dead in the eye and said: SO?
They start trying to back pedal a little bit, saying it's a sign of the times, they're a different generation, excuses/justifications for their general homophobia.
And once again I said: So what?

Someone else quickly redirected the confrontation and shut down the conversation. I understand why, hot button issue, black and white opinions, lots of people and small impressionable children around. But later I was chafing a bit that my small impressionable kids even heard excuses for homophobia initially.

It was pointed out to me that one conversation isn't "going to change hearts and minds"
Which is true. BUT.
Later that night the same family used a term I find derogatory and outdated. I had one of my kids in my lap, and without much thought I blurted "that's not a nice word." And when they tried to sweep it away I simply said "it's not a nice word" again and it was done.

And then I thought, what if...what if the way to dismantle systemic injustices was to simply call out the microaggressions and behaviors with an undertone of misogyny, racism, homophobia, unkindness, etc, that bolster them? Rather than wait for the acceptance light to go on whilst scrapping in opposite corners, you keep chipping away at the roots that have allowed them to go on for so long in the first place? Make those accepted microaggressions unacceptable, would we see how deep the problem is and make strides to change?

I think it's at the very least, it's worth a shot.

Mother Russia

I went viral in my own way with the last blog post telling Facebook (and the world in general) to fuck off with the diet ads/products body shaming on my feed.

I checked my feed an hour or so later (because I'm on social media all the time and always close to my phone) and the targeted body shaming ads were (almost)* gone! Now the targeted ads were how to organize/take charge/fail less at my messy/chaotic family life. Body shaming ads to mom shaming ads.

*lets face it, there will always be a degree of body shaming even after the ashes of the patriarchy are scattered across the desert of men's tears

So hey, even though we know that Russia is totally messing around with us (though the chumps Russia fooled typically staunchly refuse to believe that) at least they are paying attention!
 

Go Viral

It's a not so secret dream of mine to have one of my social media posts go viral. Or make it onto the huffington post funniest parents and/or women lists. However nowadays people go viral for the wrong reasons (major embarrassment, social gaffe, racist/sexist/idiotic/etc behavior followed by (hopefully) public outrage), so "going viral" probably shouldn't be on my life's accomplishment's list.
  
Anyway, I'm on my social media a lot right now (I'm on leave, newborns are pretty boring, the toddler is every bit a 2.5 year old so I have to vent and daytime tv sucks). All of those platforms have ads which I normally gloss over and dismiss. But this time I noticed all the ads were for diet products, workout routines, waist trainers, supplements etc, all these...things in an effort to motivate me to become an even "better" me.

And I'm like, I just had a baby. She's not even a week old, we're talking days. I housed a tiny human in me and literally pushed them out of my lady parts. Some might even consider that the epitome of what a lady's body can do. Here I am, sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, sore everywhere, ice packs on my raw nipples, wearing diapers (postpartum life is disgusting y'all), super hormonal, in addition to raising two very needy small humans to not be assholes and I'm supposed to be pretty too? WTF?
   
So I posted this on facebook: 

All the diet ads/products on my feed imply I should be getting back to societal set beauty standards and be ashamed of my current body for producing a healthy baby. 

Guess what world? Fuck off!

Us ladies giving a middle finger to that mindset
I also like the prominence of my double chin and how I don't give a rat's ass 

I tagged my husband (because when it involves the kids that's pretty much what we do), and got a respectable amount of likes and comments applauding my fuck off. In fact, one of dr soc's friends copied and pasted my status and gave me credit on her own wall and she got lots of likes too! So in my own way, I'm going to count that as going viral.

Achievement unlocked!

Arms Reason

What the ever loving fuck?
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/21/health/florida-legislature-porn-dangerous-but-not-weapons/index.html
Assault riffles are military weapons whose soul purpose is to cause maximum harm and kill. KILL. Bullets fired from these weapons are designed to kill and they mutilate and destroy everything in their proximity. So why the ever loving fuck are these not dangerous according to lawmakers?

Why does anyone need an assault riffle? Honest to god, someone tell me a reason other than it's the 2nd amendment of in the constitution. A lot of things have changed in the past few hundred years since those amendments were created by a rich white male slave owners. And there was an amendment that didn't work either. Remember that whole alcohol was illegal thing? That was the 18th amendment of the Constitution. There were 2 more amendments added (#19: women get to vote! #20: the presidential term starts January 20 at noon) before #21 when white lawmakers said take backsies! on #18 because society was pretty much just a big 'ol mess. So it is possible to make and repeal amendments that reflect the times. Like #13 - lets make this slavery/owning people thing illegal. Or #22 - no one can be elected president more than twice so the same person doesn't stay in power indefinitely (looking at you FDR).

Once again, please give me a reason your right to own an assault riffle usurps the safety of the general public. Why must humanity suffer again and again from the fragility of masculine insecurity? (yes I know there are women who love guns and shooting too, but these mass murderers have been mostly white males) Even if you don't kill people with your assault riffle, does having that tool to kill innocents make you feel better? Does the ability to destroy countless others' sense of safety secure your own? Do you sleep better knowing your right to own a weapon will never replace all of the other lives destroyed by gun violence?

Give me a reason. Give the world a reason. We are owed a fucking reason.

#MeToo

Of course I've been sexually harassed.
I mean, I did things like going for runs in shorts and a tank top since it was 90-billion degrees. I've walked from point A to point B and my "gorgeous ass!" got a shout out. (which it is, but that's not the point.) I've been as brazen as to stand still and my backside got brushed. And let's not forget I was a bartender, a flirty, super cute young 20 something with a great figure at that. Of course I was there for (mostly older, mostly white) males to ogle and comment on. For goodness sake, what did I expect?

Wait. Hold on-

Oh but I also know to never leave my drink unattended at a party. And to not wear my headphones, be on (or even have out) my phone and to be aware of my surroundings at all times when walking alone - which you should never do in the first place. It's also not smart to wear my hair in a ponytail, or have any sort of strap across or on my body so you are harder to grab and assault. And -

Wait! Wait! Seriously, hold on. 

What did I expect? What are the preventive actions I'm supposed to do to not get raped? What am I supposed to wear? To not wear? Who's going to believe me if I ever am assaulted? Why is it my responsibility when my female body is regulated by men in the first place? 

So yeah. #MeToo. I bet everyone, and I mean everyone, has some sort of #MeToo story of their own. And by all means yes, shed some light on this and show how ubiquitous this all is. Hell, use a floodlight and keep it on this issue. But could we also: #BelieveTheVictim, #Don'tRape and #StopRapeCulture too? 

  

Why didn't she...?

In the past year alone these are the powerful men who have been accused of sexual assault:
The Hollywood squad:

1. Harvey Weinstein -Hollywood power producer sexually harasses/assaults/rapes women for 30 years
2. Bill Cosby - America's favorite dad serially drugged and raped for (again) years
3. Nate Parker - Upcoming film maker acquitted of rape 
4. Casey Afflect - *sexual harassment settlement from 2010 won the oscar this year  

The Fox "News" (or rapist news network) crowd:

1. Bill O'Reilly - Fox news anchor 
2. Roger Ailes - Fox news founder and CEO (may he rot in hell)
3. Eric Bolling - Fox news host 

The CEO bros:

1. Travis Kalanick - Uber founder and CEO (was forced to resign after fostering toxic work culture) 
2. Antonio Marquis "LA" Reid - Epic Records CEO
3. Bikram Choudhury - famous style yoga guru

The tech industry dudes:

1. Chris Sacca - early investor of Twitter, Uber & Instagram
2. David McClure founder/manager venture capital firm 500 Startups
3. Jason Caldbeck - co-founder/manager of venture capital Binary Capital
4. Mike Cagney Sofi CEO 

And politicians

1. Anthony Weiner - sexting a minor next to his own child, the FBI tossed a red herring so the next slimeball on this list:   
2. Trump - grabbed women by their p*ssy and became president. 

And this is just a list of rich and/or famous douche bags that have been called out, after multiple victims have come forward each time with more and more egregious corroborating stories. This doesn't stop dick pics. Catcalling "should be considered a compliment." About 60% of sexual assaults are even reported, let alone someone being held accountable for a crime. A victim is a victim, no matter the sex, gender identity, race, age, relationship to someone, etc.
So why didn't she tell anyone? What were you wearing? Why are you only now coming forward? Why didn't
Stop.
It's not why didn't they....fill in the blank.
It should be:
Why did the assaulter feel it was their right in the first place?     

Bills, Bills, Bills

While the asshole president is throwing his ritual twitter tantrums, the Senate and/or House is quietly passing their deathbed healthcare bill. I'm sure they're all hoping while the president sulks we won't notice the damage they are eliciting. I will say I am so confused. I just don't get the whens, whats, whys, whos and hows the government and bills should do.

Because church and state are separate entities, and corporations need to be left alone to regulate themselves. Fortune 500 companies may rightfully impose the CEO's personal religions beliefs on their employees. Denying abusers access to firearms is unconstitutional, but denying healthcare (or help to the victims of those firearms) is totally kosher. Speaking of Judaism, it's okay to practice whatever religion as long as it's not Islam, or you're brown, and you don't take the jobs white American is too good for. A poppy seed sized embryo is a person with all of it's rights and those rights take precedence over and at the expense of the female host, but only while being hosted. Females in general should not make health decisions about their own life/bodies but are held fully responsible when they were recklessly female and assaulted.

And then there's the enabling the poor people with entitlements. Don't feed the poor kids at school or have a safe place to go after school. Their parents need to work harder, get a job with a living wage and move to a better part of town. But don't mandate a living wage for heavens sake! Where would that money come from? Those rich tax breaks don't go very far.

Seriously, I don't get it. Can I get this mansplained?

Double Standard

I am so fcking annoyed of the douche bag president.

I'm so fcking sick at the excuses everyone makes for him.

But I'm really SO. FUCKING. ENRAGED with the double standards.

President Obama: Faithfully married 20+ years to the lovely woman he raises 2 daughters with.

Cheeto-in-Chief Trump: Unfaithfully married to 3 different women with 5 children he doesn't bother to raise.   

Secretary Clinton: Faithfully married 40+ years to an unfaithful man she raised 1 strong daughter with- and said daughter is faithfully married and has two children herself.

And that's just their personal lives.

As far as political lives....

OMG the emails. Twitter had storm after storm about those mother fcking emails.   

Trump blabs classified information to the Russians because he's boasting about his super awesome intell like the stupid 5 year old he is. Radio Silence.

   

   All the internal screaming.