Go Viral

It's a not so secret dream of mine to have one of my social media posts go viral. Or make it onto the huffington post funniest parents and/or women lists. However nowadays people go viral for the wrong reasons (major embarrassment, social gaffe, racist/sexist/idiotic/etc behavior followed by (hopefully) public outrage), so "going viral" probably shouldn't be on my life's accomplishment's list.
  
Anyway, I'm on my social media a lot right now (I'm on leave, newborns are pretty boring, the toddler is every bit a 2.5 year old so I have to vent and daytime tv sucks). All of those platforms have ads which I normally gloss over and dismiss. But this time I noticed all the ads were for diet products, workout routines, waist trainers, supplements etc, all these...things in an effort to motivate me to become an even "better" me.

And I'm like, I just had a baby. She's not even a week old, we're talking days. I housed a tiny human in me and literally pushed them out of my lady parts. Some might even consider that the epitome of what a lady's body can do. Here I am, sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, sore everywhere, ice packs on my raw nipples, wearing diapers (postpartum life is disgusting y'all), super hormonal, in addition to raising two very needy small humans to not be assholes and I'm supposed to be pretty too? WTF?
   
So I posted this on facebook: 

All the diet ads/products on my feed imply I should be getting back to societal set beauty standards and be ashamed of my current body for producing a healthy baby. 

Guess what world? Fuck off!

Us ladies giving a middle finger to that mindset
I also like the prominence of my double chin and how I don't give a rat's ass 

I tagged my husband (because when it involves the kids that's pretty much what we do), and got a respectable amount of likes and comments applauding my fuck off. In fact, one of dr soc's friends copied and pasted my status and gave me credit on her own wall and she got lots of likes too! So in my own way, I'm going to count that as going viral.

Achievement unlocked!

The One

For the record: I do not believe in "the one." Neither does my husband. And as of today he has been my husband for 6 years, and we're still counting. But anyway, I still had a pretty good feeling about dr soc pretty early into our relationship. We just...worked.

But there are two distinct instances when I was pretty much: this is my husband.

The first one was when were texting a lot (and we still do - only now it's more "we're out of milk" and "has the toddler pooped yet?" and fewer flirty "forget your pants" but those still exist) and I realized he really didn't use text talk, one of my biggest pet peeves. (omg I h8 the u 4 u with the 🔥 of 1000 ☼s) My heart skipped a beat I thought: oooo I'm keeping him.

And the second is when he said he had absolutely no desire to go camping.
I was done. I knew: I'm going to marry him!

Happy Anniversary my dearest!

Long Jacket

So, I've already got something to hold over the this next kid's head. Also: thank god it was winter and my coat covers me to about mid thigh.

Before we were telling people I was expecting I was trying to hide (and usually failing) how miserable I felt at times. But other times...
Trigger warning: this is hilarious but disgusting.
We're out to lunch and my stomach/intestines were giving me first trimester nonsense. I went to the bathroom and sat to wait it out. After waiting for a while and nothing happening, everything happened. My stomach revolted and I had a half second to throw myself backwards, bend at the waist and I throw up all over myself. All. Over. I didn't take anything with me to the bathroom (because that's gross) so I was trapped.   

I waited a few minutes until someone else came into the bathroom, and when they finished washing their hands I called out: "excuse me...Um, in the first stall here. Hi, I'm pregnant and I had a bit of an accident..."
I asked a stranger in the bathroom to find my husband (and daughter) in the restaurant, tell him I'm okay, but I need my purse and coat. I thank her profusely when she comes back bringing both, assure I'm okay and thank her again. In my purse I have a plastic bag (to throw up in though lot of good it did me there), wipes to clean up, and my phone to text Mike what the hell is going on.

In the next few minutes I get as much of my lunch off of my clothes into the toilet, bag up all my clothes, and wipe up what the clothes didn't "catch." I button my coat, pull up my knee socks (those were clean), and texted my husband: I'm leaving the bathroom now. I'll meet you at the car. Took a deep breath, grabbed my bags, put my head down and walked out of the McCalisters in just my coat. We're pulling out of the parking lot when I get sick again and throw up out the window of the car. (sorry about that honey...but we're both really glad I made it out the window) And to add insult to injury, I still haven't done what I was waiting to do in the bathroom in the first place!

At home, I take a bath, everything eventually leaves my system in the privacy of my bathroom and I feel better okay enough. The kid takes a nap, and Mike and I settle on the couch to watch football. He asks how I'm doing and I ruefully say: that trench coat fantasy is not what it's cracked up to be.

Beggars can't be Choosers

I was in the bathroom at work and the person in the stall next to me sighed heavily and made a comment about how nice it would be to have toilet seat covers.
I did not respond because:

1. I don't want to talk when I am in a public restroom.
2. I don't want to hear anyone else's commentary in the bathroom either.   

And my response to the comment wouldn't have been much help. See there are 20 branches in the system I work for, but my branch is one of the smallest and not affluent.  So if I had commented, which I wouldn't have because I don't want to talk or listen to anyone when using the bathroom, I would have said:

You want toilet seat covers? We don't even have a plunger 75% of the time.

Feel the burn

As someone who has completed a full marathon (and couldn't walk to prove it) and enough half marathons to loose count on occasion (7. I think 7), I know a few things about working out. I love yoga, dancing like a fool is so fun and runners high are great. Achieving fitness goals and working out are things to be proud of. I'm totally for being active, taking care of oneself and having a healthy lifestyle, especially now that I am a parent.

But god people, I so. don't. care. about your workouts.

You signed up for a race? Awesome! You can fit into a smaller size after working on that for months? Wonderful! Quit smoking 3 years ago? Rock on! Hell, even I've posted about getting stuck in my sports bra, because flailing around like a T-rex is hilarious.

But: Mention you got up at 4 am again to use your favorite treadmill at the gym? Ran 4.13 miles on run keeper? Announce you're 17 days into your wheat grass/acacia berries/organic unicorn hair-diet lunch? Instagramed the kettle bells that were "torture but OMG soooo worth it?" And posted some little workout quip along the lines of sweat is fat crying leaving your body- all within 12 hours?

STFU.

Bull Poop

Parenting truth: Poop is a part of your daily conversation pieces.

If we're being honest, this sh*t (pun intended) starts even before the baby arrives. Because one of the unfun things about your body creating a human is that pretty much every other system in your body goes apesh*t in one way or another. And so you talk about it. Because you're pregnant and grumpy and out of f*cks to give.

Anyway. Here's some of our exchanges since becoming parents.

Baby is 3 days old-
me: Baby pooped on me. Parenting achievement unlocked.

Baby is 5 days old:
me: I have been pooped on twice today. That is all.

Baby is 4 months old-ish:
me: Blowout today was through her onesie and up her back, but her pants stayed clean.
dr soc: Impressive.
me: I know right?

After daycare drop off:
me: We're on outfit number 2 already.
dr soc: Already? 
me:  Yeah. If we're being honest we hadn't even left the house yet.
dr soc: Ouch.
me: And stinky.

After a particularly toxic diaper change:
dr soc: How bad?
me: Bath-worthy.

Two weeks ago:
dr soc: Ever seen a purple-looking nugget in baby girl's diapers?
me: Yup. Was there a gray tinge to it as well?
dr soc: Not sure, it's in the pail now. I was just surprised.
me: It probably did. Gray and nugget like from the yogurt and purple from the prunes.

today:
me: If you do nothing else today please for the love of god give our daughter a bath. There was poop on the wall.

General Baby Stuff

At 37 weeks I'm at the point of no return going to the doctor every week now. And if I go into labor the doctor wont stop it. But at least we confirmed that the baby flipped! Baby's head is down and butt is up, and isn't likely to flip back. S/he is still head butting my bladder and kicking/squishing my lungs at the same time which isn't the most pleasant, but at least we don't have to schedule a c-section before Thanksgiving. Phew! (I could still end up having one if baby decides to not come out in a reasonable amount of time, but that's a possibility I can handle)

In other pregnancy/baby news.
I was rear-ended the day before Halloween and I am fine. But since I wanted to get the baby checked out too (because that's what you do when you are pregnant) I had to go to labor and delivery since the ER doesn't have the monitoring equipment for a baby in utero. I go to the proper area, get hooked up to the fetal monitor and wait. And wait. And wait some more, and then was told the midwife wanted to keep me for about 4 more hours of observation. Which, fine, I already called work and Mike was with me and I like him a whole whole lot, so we just hung out for a while. Then about a half hour of us getting sprung, the on call doctor comes in. Turns out I has having contractions (that I had no idea I was having) 5-6 minutes apart (!) when when I first arrived and I was still having them (!!) every so often, so I was going to be kept 24 hours from the accident, so overnight, for more observation. So we got a trial run of our hospital stay, which is a good thing because we learned the place is cold and made notes about what to pack in the hospital bag for when the time actually comes. And baby was perfectly fine after all that, so that's good.
Oh yeah, that aforementioned hospital bag? We've sorta got it packed... Meaning we have stuff we can pack ahead of time set to the side but it's not in an actual bag yet. Because if we're being honest, having that bag packed freaks me out a little. And by "little" I mean holy-sht-i'm-going to be-a-mommy-so-it's-not-mature to admit I want to run away screaming.

Also, I'm over my body being up for public discussion. Well, I was never "in" to that for the record. When a patron at work informs me I wasn't pregnant the last time they saw me, (pretty sure they're wrong on that one)  or someone who doesn't even know my last name goes on and on how tiny I am for so far along, it's uncomfortable. I know being told you are a small pregnant woman is supposed to be flattering, but you are still talking about my body. Mine. Not up for public discussion. (Though if the political climate keeps going the way it is as a woman I'll have no rights over it anyway.) And we can also leave my baby's parts out of that public conversation. That's no one's business either. Unless we have a girl that is. Because then she'll have no rights over her body either and we can talk all about it.

Let There Be Light

One night I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. As a fairly heavy sleeper, I knew that even in a sleep fog if I was waking up in the middle of the night I must really have to go and better get to it. So I did and returned to bed like you do. But as I was climbing back into bed dr soc stirred and was slightly confused to find me getting back into bed since me getting up in the middle of the night is a rarity in the first place.

--Note: this entire conversation occurred with us both in half-sleep-mode and was done with sleepy slurs and hazy logic in it's entirety--


dr soc: did you just go to the bathroom?
me: Yeah. Go back to sleep honey.
dr soc: Ok. Wait..did you turn on the light?
me: No. Turning on the light can wake you up more and I want to go back to sleep.
dr soc: Oh ok. ~pause~ You can go to the bathroom without a light? How?
me: I don't have to aim honey.
dr soc: Oh. Right. Goodnight.
 --A while later.--
We had gotten back from the gym or were getting ready in the morning or something that required a shower. I flipped on the shower light, turned on the water and Mike put our towels on the hook while we waited for the water to warm up to the (my) preferred scalding temperature.
mike: I turned off the shower light.
me: Why? I like the shower light.
mike: You do? What exactly do you do in the shower that you need light for? Do you need it to aim or something?
me: No...But I do need it if I'm shaving.  Or something.
mike: Ok, but are you going to shave this shower? 
me: I don't think so, but I still like the light.
--Mike gives me a look--
me: So I can pee the dark but not shower in it. Okay maybe that's a little weird but so what?
mike: Nothing.... Would you like me to turn the light back on then?
me: Yes. Yes I would.
mike: Ok. ~flips the light back on, smiling~ You weirdo.
me: Thank you. And yes, yes I am.
 --We went on vacation last week and we were checking out the bathroom of the rental house--
mike: Oh, and you will be happy to know there is a shower light in our bathroom. A very bright one too.
me: Yes!

Period

My husband and I planning on having a family in the not too too far off future. But we're not trying to have a baby at this moment, despite the fact that my baby fever is to the moon and there's no way it's coming back down. Which, you know what? We're both super educated good looking nice people, the world should be begging us to populate it with more of our awesomeness. (God I hope my kids aren't assholes.)

Anyway. The key word there is planning. And to plan, we need to figure out a pattern. So after talking to my doctor, the place we start is just making sure stuff is working. And because I'm super exited at the thought of planning, that means I haven't been this excited to get my period since I was 14. But that excitement quickly wore off when I remembered: god I hate hate my period. Oh well.

Lady Vitamins

My husband and I are not planning to be childless. We're not in any rush to start our family, but I also have a known case of baby fever that makes the previous statement not the most believable thing. My husband doesn't have the same baby fever as I do. But he has a little case of it in his own way. Just a little.

The reason I say this is because he wants me to take my vitamins. And not my dinosaur gummie vitamins either, he wants me to take "lady vitamins" with folic acid. He also really wants me to talk to a doctor so my body can be in optimal condition for baby incubating should incubating occur. And apparently you should be taking prenatal vitamins before you actually are pregnant to gain the most benefits from them, something I did not know. Though I still don't quite understand how he knew that little tidbit about pregnancy, but when I told him about pickles and ice cream he looked at me like I had two heads. He's also not thrilled with me running another marathon in the fall and putting that much stress on my body, but that also could be in part to that he's less than thrilled about having to carry me post marathon. I'm surprisingly heavy when I'm dead weight. 

Anyway, he really wants me to take the lady vitamins. Just in case. Just a little. Like his little baby fever.

100 updated things about myself

When I started this blog 4 years ago I did a 100 things about myself as a way of introducing myself to the blogospher. And since lots of things have happened in that past 4 years I figured it was time for an update. Blue are new, or things I have updated/or added more snark to.  Enjoy!

1. My favorite color is (still), pink
2. I’m a complete girly girl
3. I’m really 5’4 1/2”, but I claim I’m 5’5”
4. My lucky number is 4
5. I prefer even numbers over odd.
6. I'm a talker. No ifs ands or buts about it.
7. If I’m not talking, I am only one of two options A: exhausted or B: mad as hell
8. I can keep a secret in that I won't tell someone the actual secret itself. But I can't keep that I have a secret, secret.  
9. I'm in graduate school pursuing my masters in library and information studies. I will know everything! 
10. I am trying to take over the world one circulation desk at a time.
11. Though very happily married to the love of my life, I don’t believe in “the one”
12. I moved 20 times in the 10 years. My next move will be in the ground
13. My default favorite ice cream and cake flavor is strawberry. The main reason: It's pink.
14. My favorite pie of all time is blueberry. 
15. I have two dogs, who I love dearly, even though they are both so so naughty and spazztastic.
16. I don't think I could ever have another puppy, despite my husband's claim that our kids will convince me other wise. 
17. I cry weddings. But not as much as I thought I would at my own. I was doing great at the rehearsal until Mike lost it and it was sob city the rest of the night.
18. Mike, who has his PhD in sociology, married the worst sociologist ever much to his chagrin.
19. I love to cook and am always trying new recipes.
20. I consider a cookbook an awesome gift
21. Though my baked good may not turn out super pretty, they at least usually turn out super tasty.
22. One of my biggest pet peeves is a picky eater over the age of 7.
23. I will try almost anything food wise at least once.
24. But I loathe cooked carrots, I cannot get past the texture.  It's the same reason I won't eat pate.  
25. Though the reason I can't eat eel is mental. 
26. My husband and I both get super cranky if we don't eat at regular intervals. It's how we know we'll always take care of each other.
27. Lace is my favorite fabric
28. I have spent around $100 (give or take) at almost every single Victoria’s Secret semi annual sale I have been too.
29. I have a lot of underwear, clearly
30. I got the saying “clearly,” from Jeanne
31. I do whatever Jeanne tells me
32. I have some of the best, most supportive friends in the world. I'm really lucky in that way.
33. I met my husband through eharmony, and it was worth ever penny.
34. I’m allergic to cats
35. I love twitter.
36. I can't speak another language. I took both French and Spanish in college and I get the two mixed up all. the. time.
37. I love roller coasters, but I most definitely can't handle them like I could when I was a kid.
38. I don't like the enclosed water tube slides anymore. I somehow developed a slight fear of becoming stuck in one, so decided that I am 30 and I don't have to like them if I don't want to.
39. My appendix ruptured and had to be removed when I was 6
40. I had my belly button pierced until I was 21; I took it out after a drunk wrestling match went horribly, horribly wrong
41. I don’t have any tattoos
42. Honestly, I think 99% of tattoos are unnecessary. My exception here, is the Olympic ring tattoo. 
43. I am an Olympic junkie. I love the summer ones more, but London I couldn't get enough coverage.
44. Water polo? Is like, the coolest thing to watch. However, handball, is lame.
45. I think Bob Costas is an ass.
46. I don't think there's a point in being mean just to be mean.
47. I have cut my hair and donated it 3 times so far.
48. I am a born and bred proud Kentucky girl. I love all things bourbon, the Derby, and my Wildcats.  
49. Wine is one of my favorite foods. 
50. Wine goes strait to my head and then makes me sleepy
51. Laugh all you want, but being a light weight doesn't suck.
52. I cannot parallel park
53. I think poetry and most song lyrics are an absolute waste on me
54. I think “Sweetest Day” is a bull shit holiday. (unless you buy my chocolate honey. that's cool)
55. I don’t play sports with balls and teams, but I do love going to sporting events. Mainly for the food.
56. I love my Carolina Panthers!
57. Because I love my husband very much, I cheer for the Browns as well (unless they are playing the Panthers. All bets are off when it comes to my Panthers).
58. I love fantasy football. Seriously
59. My husband has himself an excellent football wife.
60. Hubby and I are the only people who do not watch American Idol
61. But we love watching countdowns on the NFL network and so bad they are awesome syfy movies.
62. My husband hates the term hubby, yet I continue to use it.
63. I do need my coffee in the morning to function, but I truly enjoy it as well
64. I bite and/or pick at my nails when nervous or stressed.
65. I'm always slightly disappointed when I open google and it's not a google doodle.
66. I think google is trying to take over the world, and I'm totally ok with that.
67. I think rude people are unnecessary
68. I have wide (yet tiny) feet.
69. I believe in karma.
70. I don’t judge my friends and as much as I used to in general.
71. But I still judge a lot more than most.
72. I hate picking out paint colors
73. I may never look back on my time in daap fondly or with rose colored glasses. I worked my ass off and it was absolute fucking hell. 
74. However, I made some of my best friends ever there, so it wasn't a total wash.
75. I’ve run 5 half-marathons and one full one by now.
76. I do consider myself a runner, albeit a slow one.
77. I am an excellent hostess and throw a really good bridal and baby shower.
78. Not being allowed to help with my own bridal shower drove the party planner in me nuts.
79. I will never sky dive, because it scares the ever living crap out of me.  And I have forbidden my husband from ever doing so as well because I see no reason to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
80. I have also forbidden him from swimming with sharks, getting a motorcycle, or anything else that could get him maimed, even though I'm now on his life insurance.   
81. Text talk is a pet peeve of mine and Mike's. When I got a text message with you-s instead of u-s from him, I took it as a sign to keep him.  
82. I’m terrified of snakes. TERRIFIED.
83. While I'm not super terrified of spiders and can kill them myself, I still prefer that my husband kill the really big ones. 
84. I used to know all sorts of pop culture stuff, but now, I can't even tell you who's in the top 40. But I can tell you about the awesome story I heard on NPR.
85. I big poofy heat love NPR. I also got "big poofy heart love" from Jeanne.
86. Target is my happy place.
87. Patience is a virtue I am slowly learning in dealing with my dad's disease.
88. At 26 I became so much stronger than I ever realized I could be.
89. I have the worst passport photo ever
90. Somewhere down the road there I turned into my mother, but not quite as neurotic. Yet.
91. I don’t really trust vegans.
92. But I don't trust girls without girlfriends most of all.  
93. I will watch any move with a dance sequence.
94. I think loneliness is one of the most heart breaking things in the world.
95. But I believe that hope is one of the most powerful and amazing things to exist
96. I’m a silver lining kind of girl
97. I do believe in the inherent good of people and that most mean the best intentions; it just doesn’t always come through.
98. Sometimes I think I'm actually a grown up
99. I cannot live without laughter.
100. I believe in a happy ending

TADA!!

Peak

me: Oh my god, I'm 30.
mike: It's really not that bad.
me: Can it be my 2nd 29th birthday?
mike: But don't you want to hit your sexual peak?*
me: What? Oh yeah, that's right, a woman's sexual peak is supposed to be in her 30's isn't it.
mike: Yep. (grinning)
me: OH!!!! My running peak is supposed to happen in my 30's too! Oh, that's good!
mike: Yes. That's where I was going with that.

*it's ok honey, we're married.