Context is Key

When my kid says fork she does so w/out the R, so it sounds like f*ck with an accent of sort. Kinda like "fook." I'm totally encouraging it because I'm not about to discourage her language development, but mostly because it's hilarious.
But she's not using fook as a cuss word, she is actually referring to a fork. So she isn't cussing on purpose. Though when she does start cussing in the correct context I will die laughing, because omg the funny.

Anyway, poor baby just had a rough Sunday.
First she slipped on the cutting board she was playing with on the floor while I cleaned the cabinet it was in. Her little feet flew out from under her, landed flat on her back onto the kitchen floor and burst into tears. About an hour later she shut a drawer on her fingers and started screaming. And 20 minutes after that she ran face first into a door frame.

She could have really used some forks.

Fail safe

Someone found this lawn shark sculpture online and immediately though of my husband.  Because of course. So it was posted on his facebook wall and when I saw it my visceral response was: that is awesome and I want it! And when I see the $180 price tag I thought: totally doable.

The more and more I looked at it, the more and more I laughed and wanted it. And then it dawned on me this would be the coolest anniversary gift (traditional year four gift is fruit and/or flowers, so I say a lawn sculpture legit falls into the "plants" category) I almost whipped out the credit card right then then and there.

But somewhere in all that excitement I didn't do exactly that, so there had to be a reason. I just couldn't find one on my own. So I showed the garden shark it to my coworkers and asked them to find me a reason.
Josh: it's impractical
me: but it amuses me highly, so I don't care. Next reason.
Josh: hmm, well, it is $180 for something very impractical.
me: still don't care. Keep trying.
Josh: do you even have the space for it?  
me: yup.
Josh: your HOA?
me: screw 'em!
Josh: well ok, I've got nothing.
me: ok, thanks for trying. ~~I turn to another coworker~~ Lauren. I want to get this for my husband and I cannot find a reason not to. Josh tried but couldn't come up with one.

Lauren looks at the image for a minute, and says:

Lauren: those teeth look really sharp. Not toddler friendly.
me: yes! Perfect reason! Not safe for the baby! Thank you!
--pause--
me: Oh. I just completely failed at being a parent didn't I?

Synonyms

On our anniversary Mike and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for dessert and sat at an outside table since it was a nice night. The patio was quieter than the restaurant so we could have a conversation with each other without shouting, and we could also hear the pop music playing through their sound system. Which is what a decent chunk of our conversation was about, the music. We would hear a song, reminisce about the last time we heard it or what it reminds us of, wonder whatever happened to the artist, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, a song by Seal comes on and Mike posed this question:
mike: What's Seal's real name anyway? Otter??
me: hahahahaha!