Smoking Kills

me texting my girlfriends:

me: god I am so tired today. A stupid spider set off a smoke alarm which triggered the rest of the alarms. It was AWFUL. But somehow the baby slept through the whole thing. So she got a good night's rest.
lb: don't spider's know not to smoke?
me: apparently not
michele: smoking kills
jeanne: spiders are stupid
lb: seriously though, explain the smoking spider

Area Codes

me: I have a friends on the west coast. Actually, I have a decent amount of friends out there. Really I have friends all over the country. It's sorta like "hoes in different area codes." Only none of my friends are hoes.
Cearra::laughing:: okay, I actually did think that exact though but I wasn't going to say it out loud.
me: haha! I did though!

Belly Button

I don't know if your belly button popping out is one of those happens to everyone pregnancy things. I've got a notion that it'll happen to me though. I've noticed that as my tummy has been getting bigger my normal innie belly button has started to become...shallower.
But right now I still have an innie. Sorta. And by sorta I mean it's still a little concave in some parts. It's not full outie, and maybe it will stay the way it is now... So I guess right now it's a...flatie?

Binge Watch

So. We might have to pull back a little on the binge watching. Because my dream last night was a pretty solid compilation of some of the shows we've been watching. Ever since I've been on happy pills, I dream every night. I don't remember them most of the time, but on occasion a few stick around in my memory. Enough so that I will wake up upset and/or utterly confused about how I am in my bedroom and life is normal(ish).

Anyway, last night was a Breaking Bad/Big Love/The American's combo. Yeah, I don't know either. The Breaking Bad part was Walter White watched his meth lab in the basement fill with really pretty blue water (seriously, resort brochure blue), and the water was breaking the ceiling joist of the lab. The ceiling burst off and the whole lab gushed down the street and Walter White (who may have been me, I'm not sure) went with the water and tried to make it look like he had been swept away. Then when Skylar and his son went running down the street after the tidal wave, he was slinking around the neighbors' car/garage trying to stay out of their sight. And then there may or may not have been a crime spree of sorts in there, I don't recall.

Now onto part two, the Big Love/The Americans combo. For some reason, Mike was going to take on a second wife. (Big Love) I was none too pleased about sharing my husband to say the least. I was jealous and I was trying to trick encouraging him to have a guy's weekend in Toronto on my "off" weekend. You know, have a good time, no ladies at all, play in the casinos, that sort of thing. My plot was to not let poor pathetic Martha (from the Americans) have "her" weekend. Or any time really. Mike seemed to really be looking forward to his weekend, and poor pathetic second wife Martha was really none the wiser either.

Yeah. When I woke up I kept reiterating/muttering "you can't marry Martha." Mike was confused of course, but he reassured me he wasn't going to and that he was only married to me. Then later when I could give him more details he was amused but I think a little ticked off he got stuck with poor pathetic Martha.
 

Weird

Today a patron walked into my work today and asked me if I worked there. When I asked how I could help them, they said they had 2 things. The first one was that they had found a (used) disposable razor on the curb outside and wanted to know where they could throw it away.

OK, a little weird. And eww. I offered the book I was holding as a sort of temporary table where they placed it. Why they didn't just leave it there on the curb I don't know, but fine, whatever.
The second thing was another thing they had found outside. In their had they had a blue napkin with a...wait for it...

A dead bird.  

I was in great shape and it wasn't even cold yet (which they knew because they kept touching it), so they wondering if we had a children's program that would have any use for it.

My response: "For a dead bird? NO."
OMFG. NO. 

That has to be the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me at work. When you work at the public library, some element of weirdness just comes with the job. But this... this...this was just weird. And I have seen some weird sh*t!  

Going Postal

We don't have a peephole at the back door at work. So whenever someone knocks we ask "who is it?" so not to open the door to a mass murderer or super creepster. While this method is not completely flawless, it works for the most part. (and there's always the option of looking out the window as a fail safe)
Anyway, when the mailman delivers the mail every morning, he knocks on the back door and answers the "who goes there?" question with a cheerful "mailman!" Because I love getting mail* and that the mailman is cheerful, I like to match his enthusiasm with a "yay! and/or thank you!" when I'm the one who opens the door.

Anyway, the mailman is at the very least amused by my reaction and always smiles. One day after our typical exchange, my boss asked me why I did that. I don't really remember the why and how it all started, but I figured I would keep it up. That way, if the postman happened to go postal and started taking people out, my hopes are that he'll remember that "nice girl from the library who was always happy to see him," and thus spare me. My boss thought that was stupid, but she's going to feel mighty foolish if my plan works.

*Just fun mail though. Junk, bills, and tree wasting catalogs I will forgo. But stuff like cards, packages, coupons and glossy magazines I love getting. And we get a ton of fun mail at work.

Let There Be Light

One night I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. As a fairly heavy sleeper, I knew that even in a sleep fog if I was waking up in the middle of the night I must really have to go and better get to it. So I did and returned to bed like you do. But as I was climbing back into bed dr soc stirred and was slightly confused to find me getting back into bed since me getting up in the middle of the night is a rarity in the first place.

--Note: this entire conversation occurred with us both in half-sleep-mode and was done with sleepy slurs and hazy logic in it's entirety--


dr soc: did you just go to the bathroom?
me: Yeah. Go back to sleep honey.
dr soc: Ok. Wait..did you turn on the light?
me: No. Turning on the light can wake you up more and I want to go back to sleep.
dr soc: Oh ok. ~pause~ You can go to the bathroom without a light? How?
me: I don't have to aim honey.
dr soc: Oh. Right. Goodnight.
 --A while later.--
We had gotten back from the gym or were getting ready in the morning or something that required a shower. I flipped on the shower light, turned on the water and Mike put our towels on the hook while we waited for the water to warm up to the (my) preferred scalding temperature.
mike: I turned off the shower light.
me: Why? I like the shower light.
mike: You do? What exactly do you do in the shower that you need light for? Do you need it to aim or something?
me: No...But I do need it if I'm shaving.  Or something.
mike: Ok, but are you going to shave this shower? 
me: I don't think so, but I still like the light.
--Mike gives me a look--
me: So I can pee the dark but not shower in it. Okay maybe that's a little weird but so what?
mike: Nothing.... Would you like me to turn the light back on then?
me: Yes. Yes I would.
mike: Ok. ~flips the light back on, smiling~ You weirdo.
me: Thank you. And yes, yes I am.
 --We went on vacation last week and we were checking out the bathroom of the rental house--
mike: Oh, and you will be happy to know there is a shower light in our bathroom. A very bright one too.
me: Yes!

Lonley Goatherd

me: You're such a dork!
mike: Yep. That's why we work.
me: True. But you're still a dork.
mike: Says the girl who was bouncing around yodeling* the other day.
me: Hey now, I wasn't bouncing, I was prancing.
mike: Fine. But you were still yodeling.
me: Yes. "She yodeled off to the lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo!" **
mike: Dork.
me: Yep. Hi kettle, it's pot!

*Sound of Music Live. Of all the songs you have to admit that when you sing you just can't help but be silly and prance around.***
** There was spinning and prancing here too.
***Oh, just me?

Painted Into a Corner

Home improvement, my train of thought/ideas: install wainscoting, add tile, frame something, put up shelves, rip out a pointless counter, move the shower fixtures, remove the stupid tiny shower and turn it into a closet, the possibilities are endless! Oh, and I guess pick a paint color. Ugh (I hate picking out paint colors).
Home improvement, husband's train of thought/ideas: paint.

Well, husband is practically chomping at the bit to paint the upstairs/loft/2nd family room since it's the last area of the house to be painted. And this is turning into a much harder process than it needs to be somehow.

One part is that I can't decide on a color/look feel in general. I get an idea then change it. Gray one day, yellow the next. Then I gravitate towards orange. Then I want gray and orange. Then I want dark blue instead of orange, but only if it's gray and dark blue. Dark purple and gray. Back to yellow, and I want yellow and gray. Or yellow and dark purple. So on and so forth, and when I look at the paint samples I can't find what I imagined/want. Granted, I can't decide what I want in the first place, but I know what I have in front of me isn't it.

Another part of that is the two of us like different color schemes in general. I'm continuously drawn to deep jewel tones, rich saturated colors that are warm and inviting, and red and yellow based colors in general. I love color and I'm not afraid to use it  So I'm at one end of the paint aisle pulling paint chips of yellow and rose based neutrals, warm soft grays, and bright pops of color. And husband is continuously drawn to the muted dusty blues greens and tans at the other end of the paint aisle.

Another difficulty is he wants things to match, but at the same time he doesn't want everything to be the same either. Which, I'm not really sure what that is. I think it's more coordination and flow he's concerned over and not so much "matching." But I don't think my design concepts make sense to him so he continuously refers to that as matching. So my solution for things to "match" is a neutral overall with an accent wall (or walls). Yeah, that same accent that we can't agree on. And a neutral that he wants to match the neutral downstairs but is different enough from the existing builders' white but not too different so that it stands out either. Which...once again, I'm not really sure what that is.

How did picking a paint color become so complicated? Pretty much the only thing I'm sure of right now is that I still seriously hate picking out paint colors.

*Edited to add- May 11 2013 *
Yesterday we found a blue that was bright enough for me to like, and a light warm brown neutral that matches enough that he likes. We got some samples, liked what we saw on the wall and bought 4 gallons to finish up the house. Oh thank god! 

Pregnancy in a Post Pinterst World

First: I am not pregnant.

But everyone I know* and in the popular pins section of pintrest is. That or putting their bridal party in cowboy boots and/or holding assault riffles for a "cute/country/rustic" look. Which, stop it people. It's stupid.
Anyway, everyone on pintrest is either pinning tacky cowboy boots or cute pregnancy related things. Because now, to be pregnant in this post pintrest world you:

• Need a creative pregnancy announcement. (It typically involves a sibling (or pet) holding a sign saying they are going to be a big sibling or a tummy shot with a bow and a due date. Though my favorite announcement is when the sonogram is imposed on the tummy picture for a creepy effect.) 
• Throw an elaborate gender reveal party. (It's actually a sex reveal party, since gender is a social construction and sex is biological. You're discovering what parts the baby has, but "sex reveal party" doesn't have the same ring to it and sounds highly inappropriate when referring to babies.)    
• Take a sexy but still classy maternity photo shoot. If you aren't feeling up for that you can do a family photo with everyone showing off their tummy while in awe of yours. Either one, you (or someone) must lovingly caress your belly. (I admit I want to do a weekly progression series myself, but there will be no touching of my tummy. Seriously, hands off.)
• Have a tricked out themed nursery. Chevron seems to be the hot thing right now. Chevron is a fancy word for zig-zag pattern.
• Put rubber duckies in the punch at the baby shower. (Seriously, why are there so many rubber duckies in the punch? It just blocks the way to the punch and that's a waste.)
• Announce the baby's birth in either the same theme you announced the pregnancy and maternity shoot, or in a completely different cute and original way.
• Once the baby arrives everyone is taking an artistic, beautiful black and white family photo. Or a funny black and white family photo. It's always black and white though.   

Oh good god. Being pregnant sound exhausting enough as it is. I told you pintrest was bananas.
*Seriously, everyone. 4 friends, my sister (!) and my next door neighbor. Everyone.

Series

me: I finished 50 Shades. Took me about 2 days.
mike: Ok. And you thought....?
me: Meh. It's pretty ridiculous. Never been kissed virgin to wanton sex goddess in 2 times or less? I don't think so. But whatever, it's a dirty book so I get the why behind the hype.
mike: Meh? What do you mean meh? 
me: Oh are you asking me do I hate myself for reading it like I did Twilight?
mike: yeah, I guess.
me: Oh, no. It's basically just, whatever, I read it. My life didn't change one way or the other. I may or may not read the rest of the series, I just don't care one way or the other.
mike: Didn't you read the whole twilight series though?
me: --sigh-- Yes. That's part of the reason I hate myself.

I Dreamed a Dream

My dream last night was so incredibly awesome that I just have to share.
I was drafted in the first round for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as their offensive coordinator. It was a complete surprise for several reasons.

1. I was the only female selected in the entire draft.
2. The offensive coordinator is not a drafted position and once again, I was the only offensive coordinator selected.
3. I clearly have no experience in this position at all yet here I was being thrust into a high level executive position.

Anyway, I excelled at this job. Like, kicked some serious ass. So somehow I was working with my Panthers in the same executive position. And the Panthers', the entire team, adored me like I was their den mom. They treated me as a cool female cousin but yet they still all wanted to protect me and did everything I said with a "yes ma'am." I was still married to Mike and we had gotten married in the Panther's press box and all the guys were lining up to take their picture with me on that spot because they loved me that much.

Like I said, it was so incredibly awesome.

Decipher

student: So, like, my, like, can, um you, like, um, wait.
me (totally confused): Ok...
student: Ok, like, my teacher, like um someone, like, told like me you can um like, um order a like book, like like and um like um someone, like like um they'll like send it some-um-where like um here and like you I mean me can like, pick it, like up here like? Um, yeah
--15 seconds pass while I stare at him even more confused--
me: I have no idea what you just asked me.
student: oh, oh ok, like,
me: Ok, if you are asking if you can request a book or material online, the answer is yes. And if the material is available someone from our staff will pull it for you and we'll put it on our hold shelf for you to pick up. At least, that's what I think you were asking?
student: Yes! And like, where um do you pick it up? Like, right here? This desk? 
me: Yes, right here.
student: Oh my god, that is like so awesome! I'm going to go um request like so much right now. Thanks!
--walks away smiling ear to ear--
me: God help us.  

People

When I was in college a roommate asked my how stayed so skinny. I made a crack about being bulimic, serious concern washed over her face and I made a note to self: bulimia jokes not funny yet.

Last weekend at my library job:

coworker: You're eating another cookie? How are you so thin?
me: I throw it up later.
coworker: Hahaha!
me: Yes! I found people who think bulimia is funny! I found my people!

Dream a Little Dream

I had a dream the other night that I was Anne Boleyn and Mike was Henry VIII. He was kissing me and promised he would love me forever as long as I gave him a son.
I thought in my dream: well shit I know how this turns out.  

Stereotype

me: I put it off as long as possible. But I had to do an image search for "naughty librarian." Ugh, people are disgusting.
mike: Um, why?
me: Project 2 for class was information spaces or librarian stereotypes  I chose librarian stereotypes, and unfortunately, one of those stereotypes is dirty. I mean, when I say librarian, what's the image that comes to your mind?
mike: (smiling) Glasses and sexy as hell.
me: Nice. But before you married one.*
mike: (smiling sheepishly) Ok, yeah, glasses and old.
me: Yep.
mike: Interesting. So, what you get when you enter librarian into google?
me:  Old ladies with glasses shushing. Or slutty women in glasses in a short skirt. I guess it's hard to read if you have on pants.    

*Ok, one in training. Still counts enough for this conversation.

Oil spill

Last night I was cooking dinner like I normally do and as I was getting the olive oil out of the cupboard, the cap came off on my hand (it must not have been on very tight) and the bottle slipped from my grasp.  The bottle hit the counter top then the floor, where the glass, almost full bottle broke and emptied it's contents all over my kitchen floor.

The first thing I tell Mike to do is keep the dogs away, there's broken glass on the floor but we also don't want them to investigate and get their paws coated in oil and track it through the house.  Eventually we end up crating them just because we just couldn't keep them away.

Well, neither one of us knows how to clean up a spill this big, so I gingerly walk over to the computer (I have oil spattered on my feet too) and google search how to clean an olive oil spill. I clicked on this really wordy solution that was way more like to hear themselves talk than actually tell me how to clean. But I was able to pick out the key word corn starch and could figure out what to do from there without having to read the rest of the jabbering.

By now Mike has picked up the large glass chunks and the shards have been swept up as well, but we've also been sweeping the oil around too. I gingerly walk around the kitchen island, awkwardly grab the corn starch, and proceed to dump it all over my kitchen floor, much to the complete and utter glee of my inner child. I stepped right in the cornstarch puddle to soak up the oil from my feet, and resumed cooking while we waited for the rest oil to soak up. (it was draft night for both my fantasy teams, there was a schedule to keep!)

Then 5 minutes later must have I decided the mess wasn't big enough so I fumbled and emptied the box of spaghetti over the kitchen floor too! I mean, what the hell? How on earth did I manage to make not one, but two epic messes in the span of 5 minutes?  I look at the spaghetti strewn around my floor on top of the cornstartch layer with my mouth agape, and I look up to see my husband with the exact same look.

And with that, he says: "you are NOT allowed to drink during the draft tonight."
Agreed.

Name Game

--scene: at my bridal shower--
priya: if sharktopus and dinocroc, and I should clarify I mean the creatures, not your future children, were to get in a fight, who do you think would win?
me: I'm glad you clarified the syfy creatures and not the kids, because that was totally going to be my next question. Ok, I think Sharktopus would win in a fight, because not only can it walk on land, hide in shallow water despite it being a ginormous creature, and swim in the deep sea, so it could drag Dinocroc back to the sea and take it out there.
priya: Who do you think mike said would win?
me: Sharktopus
priya: Yep. He said the tentacles give sharktopus a tactical advantage.
my (at the time future) mother in law: Wait, what are those names again?
me: Sharktopus and Dinocroc.
mil: And how did you come up with that?
me: It was actually Mike. When we were battling for the naming rights of Jeanne's son one of my suggestions was Sharktopus, and Mike loved that one so much that he said really hoped it wouldn't get picked* so that we could have it for ourselves. He was quite adamant in that.
mil: Oh dear.
me: Yep.

I don't know if she was afraid that her future grandkids would actually** be named that, or that she was happy that her son found someone just as dorky as him and indulges his sea creature obsession. Probably little from column a and a little from column b. 
*It didn't. Eventually Scipio Africanus won out. Or 'Skip,' for short. Like you do.
**We're completely serious about this. Don't be stealing our names now.

Pack Light

me: Do you have pj pants I can borrow? I forgot to pack mine.
jeanne: Sure thing.
lb: You also forgot to pack a sweater to wear in church.
me: That I did.
matt: Wait. You forgot to pack pj pants and a sweater, but you remembered the dress to wear to church for the baptism?
me: Yep.
matt: How how did you forget pj's and not a dress?
me: Because I packed something like 4 dresses just in case.
matt: So... You pack like N?
me --pause--: Yes. I pack like your 2 year old.

Mind Reader

I am not a mind reader.  I do not know if you are going to be at my wedding unless you actually rsvp one way or another.  Just saying.
Though, if I was a mind reader, not only would I keep that little tidbit to myself, I would use my power only for evil.