Why didn't she...?

In the past year alone these are the powerful men who have been accused of sexual assault:
The Hollywood squad:

1. Harvey Weinstein -Hollywood power producer sexually harasses/assaults/rapes women for 30 years
2. Bill Cosby - America's favorite dad serially drugged and raped for (again) years
3. Nate Parker - Upcoming film maker acquitted of rape 
4. Casey Afflect - *sexual harassment settlement from 2010 won the oscar this year  

The Fox "News" (or rapist news network) crowd:

1. Bill O'Reilly - Fox news anchor 
2. Roger Ailes - Fox news founder and CEO (may he rot in hell)
3. Eric Bolling - Fox news host 

The CEO bros:

1. Travis Kalanick - Uber founder and CEO (was forced to resign after fostering toxic work culture) 
2. Antonio Marquis "LA" Reid - Epic Records CEO
3. Bikram Choudhury - famous style yoga guru

The tech industry dudes:

1. Chris Sacca - early investor of Twitter, Uber & Instagram
2. David McClure founder/manager venture capital firm 500 Startups
3. Jason Caldbeck - co-founder/manager of venture capital Binary Capital
4. Mike Cagney Sofi CEO 

And politicians

1. Anthony Weiner - sexting a minor next to his own child, the FBI tossed a red herring so the next slimeball on this list:   
2. Trump - grabbed women by their p*ssy and became president. 

And this is just a list of rich and/or famous douche bags that have been called out, after multiple victims have come forward each time with more and more egregious corroborating stories. This doesn't stop dick pics. Catcalling "should be considered a compliment." About 60% of sexual assaults are even reported, let alone someone being held accountable for a crime. A victim is a victim, no matter the sex, gender identity, race, age, relationship to someone, etc.
So why didn't she tell anyone? What were you wearing? Why are you only now coming forward? Why didn't
Stop.
It's not why didn't they....fill in the blank.
It should be:
Why did the assaulter feel it was their right in the first place?     

The Patriarchy!

So if the past election and current president have anything to show it it that sexism is alive and well and the patriarchy isn't going anywhere for a while.

The (white, female) SNL writer who tweeted once about the president's youngest son was called out multiple times by multiple people. She:

• Acknowledged it was out of line.
• Apologized for the tweet.
• Deleted the tweet and her account.
• Was indefinitely suspended from her job.
• And people are still demanding her head.

A (rich, orange) businessman tweets "flaming hot piles of brain vomit" since June 2015 insulting 305 different people/places/things NOUNS (including: revered civil rights leader John Lewis, entire countries, the Associated Press, mainstream media (which made him famous in the first place) and Major League Baseball (possibly the most American thing there is)). He:

• Became the 45th POTUS.

So yeah, the patriarchy ⚑⚐⚑*waves flag*⚑⚐⚑

Hidden Meanings

My facebook status today: there are 32 days until the wedding. Yes. I'm counting.
What I meant: there are 32 days until the wedding. rsv fcking p bitches.

I did get 14 likes. And then an rsvp later in the evening.  But of those 14 likes, 5 of those punks haven't officially rsvped. Sigh 

Rude?

I'm at the alterer for my second fitting (squee!), and it happened to be a busy day for them.  So I'm standing there, in my dress like you do,  while my seamstress is pinning and measuring and color coding the bustle (heads up bridal posse: it's a 5(!) point bustle),  and another, older, lady walks in the shop carrying some white undershirts. She heads directly towards my seamstress, who is on her knees, pinning and measuring and color coding my bustle to talk to her.

The older lady first apologizes to me for interrupting and attempts to smooth over some things by telling me I look beautiful (which, yes, I do, but that's not the point right now). The older lady's husband is waiting in the car for her and that's why she can't wait for her (my) seamstress to be done with my fitting. She needs the neckline changed in the undershirts she's carrying for her husband who's waiting in the car asap since he just had a something-ectomy in his throat, so the crew neckline irritates him.

Which, I get that she's on a bit of a time crunch. And I have some time so I'm not rushed at the moment. But then the older lady keeps discussing the neckline, about what she needs, and how she needs it soon, all while my seamstress is still on her knees at my hem with my gown in her hands. My seamstress has to stop what she was doing to feel the shirt, explain something, and then finally send her back to the front desk to schedule the pick up time.  Then she can get back to the bustle of my dress which takes another 15-20 minutes to figure out, uninterrupted.  

I know that my wedding is not the center of anyone else's universe except mine (somewhat dr soc's but I think we know it's overall more my thing), and she did tell me I was beautiful which is the quickest ways to break down my defenses. But it still felt a little rude to just barge into my appointment time. My seamstress was clearly working with a bride (we don't just stand around randomly in our dresses (do we? I don't)), in the middle of something. And it wasn't like there weren't other people there who could help her either, she had to have my seamstress.  While I have just as much a claim to these ladies' time as anyone else, and everything got done for me in a timely manner, it still just felt a little rude.

Self Esteem

I've been keeping word document of jobs I have applied to and the date that I applied on for my own personal book keeping. Single spaced, size 11 font, remove space between paragraphs (which by the way, is a feature of microsoft office 10 that I hate and think is stupid, because it's visually stupid and and excessive. And, fyi: that extra space between paragraphs is not going to make your 3 page paper miraculously turn into the 5 page paper you need) list that is roughly half of a page full. I strike out the listing when I get the thanks but no thanks email. About 70% of the positions have a strike out through them, and the only reason I haven't struck out the rest of the positions is because I will cry.

I received another thank you for your interest/application but you have not been considered for the position email yesterday. And while I do appreciate the courtesy, it still stings. At least I got some sort of acknowledgement though. I discovered I wasn't considered for other jobs by either checking my application status, seeing the position re-posted, or seeing that the position has been filled and/or interviews were being held right now! (yes, that's so exciting for them. The rest of us not in the running are so happy.)

I knew this wouldn't be an easy process, and I knew it would take time. It would be a reality check to say the least. (It also doesn't help when your mom tells you "you always get jobs so easy!" and gives you a false sense of accomplishment.) But what I didn't expect was how quickly I would get demoralized and how much it would impact my self esteem and all other aspects of my life.

Such as: studying for the gre. I keep making excuses as to why I'm not studying, but the truth is I hate how studying makes me feel stupid. And when I don't score well on practice test, it just proves to me that I'm not smart enough to get into grad school.

My running. I'm pushing myself too hard at the gym and I know it. But I keep going to more and more fitness classes and pushing myself to the point of nausea because I feel like it's the only thing I have control over. I was at a 10 minute mile, and I'm roughly at a 9:15 mile now. But I need to be at a 9:00 minute mile to break 2 hours on my next half. So since I'm not there, I feel like I'm not doing anything

The dogs...as sweet as they are, try my patience every day. I get frustrated with Bailey more often, yet anything that anyone says remotely negative or concerning I automatically go on the defense. I'm on the defense a lot.

My face is breaking out horribly, which makes me really self conscious. I'm dealing with acne at twenty-fcking-eight, which is bull sht. So even if I was to get some sort of interview, I'm worried about how my skin will make me appear.

I'm so lonely. I don't know anyone here except dr soc, and it's hard for my people who have lives to have time to visit. And as for meeting people, well, see the vicious cycle known as not having a job to provide me human contacts, and lack of funds to do anything with the human contacts I don't have.

B & B

A while ago I suggested to dr soc that we take a little weekend trip for our anniversary. He thought it was a good idea (because all of my ideas are good ideas-though he has yet to agree to this fully), so I started google searching romantic trips for the area I suggested.

Oh la la! So many lovely romantic packages. The services/amenities range from drinks upon check in, flowers in your room, sparking wines, chocolates, massages, gourmet meals, late check out (wink wink), all things that make you feel a little or lot pampered, depending on how much you want to shell out. I noticed though that most of these packages are at an inn, and upon further research (google clicks) I find these are b&bs, not hotels.

I've never stayed at or even looked into a b&b, though I don't know why. Do I have an aversion to them that I don't know about? I remember there must have been some reason I never looked into one, because they all look really cute and feed me breakfast, so why would I not stay there?

So I pose this question to dr soc, because I'm sort of sitting on the fence on this. And maybe he has an aversion to B&B's too and then it would be a moot point. But turns out he's stayed in one and said it was pretty cool. Which I was less than thrilled to learn because I know that means he went with a previous girlfriend. I know this because no strait guy, A: suggests a b&b in the first place, and B: goes alone and without a woman to do dirty things to. (I know everyone has a past as do I. I'm sure dr soc isn't tickled that I was engaged before. But I don't like the thought of my boyfriend being "romantic" with someone else, no mater what the statue of limitations are. And honestly, I don't have any romantic getaways or even stories for anyone to be jealous over anyway. (Is it just me or have I dated some clueless guys?)) I didn't want to know anymore about that rendezvous, but I can't just leave the (texting) conversation hanging. So I come up with some lame: "maybe I don't like b&b's because you have to share a bathroom" excuse and hope I can revisit the idea later (after I get over my jealousy that is). But then he offers up the info that the one he stayed at (w/the ex-girlfriend. Yeah, grr) had a private bathroom as well. (Really, SO glad to know that, grrrr.)

Now fully engaged in competitive mode, I make the choice right then that we are going and I will kick that old girlfriend memory's ass. So there and nanny-nanny-boo-boo. Yes, because that is what the original intention of our romantic anniversary trip was. But as for an explanation of to why I'm not all wishy-washy on the b&b idea anymore I give him this reason: for an in-room massage, I think I can get over my scruples. (Also, I love the word scruples)

Which is true. But I don't have a job so a trip, let alone a romantic one, or anything else that requires funds, isn't in the cards right now. So I completely scraped the idea of a trip and any other plans I may have had for a celebration. So all that research I did in competitive and jealousy mode became the moot point. (To add insult to injury, I found out later that the romantic trip I'm no longer planning was the same place he went with the old girlfriend for their romantic trip. I'm sure you can guess how I reacted to that). Which is too bad because I did find some places/spas that would have been nice. With private bathrooms, promises of waffles and enough Queen Anne decor just so there's no doubt it's an inn. There's always next year I guess. But I still don't know why I didn't like b&b's in the first place.

Bla Bla Bla

So I get that when you a person who talks a lot, that not everyone listens to you at all times (not even your boyfriend, though he makes a valiant effort). But to not listen to me all the time just pisses me off. Like my mom does. I'm not even going to get into the not listening thing with my dog issue right now. I'm frustrated at her for a running issue.

After I jumped on the long distance running bandwagon with my sister's encouragement, my mom did too. So she's all proud of herself and running and decided maybe she'll want to do a half marathon like both her girls have done.

First, it takes her months of maybe-I-will-maybe-I-wont talk just to idea of running the thing in the first place. And then another few months to commit to sign up and pay for the damn thing after my sister and I told her to put her money where her mouth is just do it already. My sister promises to run the race every step of the way with her and finally mom dilly dallies int a decision to go for it. And I'm a little jealous because I wanted to do a race this fall too, but I know I wouldn't have the time to train for it this semester.

So now she's training and all is well, and race day is this Saturday. Both my sister and I tell her (repeatedly) to not run more than 10 miles for her longest run and to taper off the week before the race. Because that's what we've both done and we've completed 8 (I think) half marathons between us. So mom decides to not listen and runs 11 miles on Sunday and twists her ankle. So race day was not looking like a possibility right then. However, Mom saw a sport doctor on Wednesday. And they said she wouldn't do any more damage to the injury and it was ok to run on Saturday. So race day is still on!

And now, mom's thinking about not doing the race. WTF, I am ready to scream at her. She got the injury by being bullheaded and not listening to both my sister and I. You know, runners. (so we're not pros. We're still f*cking runners) And then, a SPORT DOCTOR tells her it's ok to run and she gets all trepidations about it. You know, someone who went to med school and specializes is this stuff and who is a professional. Their advice isn't good either!

I had to rearrange my work schedule to see her run this. I have to study this weekend after her race in addition to watching my dad the entire time. I had to find a dog sitter (thanks Laura btw!). My sister bought her plane ticket and just finished her 5th marathon last Sunday (yay Amy btw!). Frankly I think she's just being a sissy. But by telling her to suck it up I look like the ass hole.

The Wheels on the Bus Can Kiss My Ass

I've got a bone to pick with the city bus starting back in the summer. Actually, this could go back all the way to last summer, but I'll get to that.

First, this summer, I realized after waiting 50 minutes that they only run the bus I take once an hour during a certain time frame. So if you miss it, you have to wait an hour for it to come by. Which is bad if you have to get somewhere because you're screwed otherwise. And also this is bad when I need lunch because we know how cranky I get when I don't eat.

Second, the first day of class, the driver of my bus got me to my second stop late making me late for class. And then later that day, the one that only runs once an hour didn't stop at all at the stop I was at, even though myself and another student were waving them down. And that there were multiple people at the stop. And every other bus that had come by in the last half hour had stopped or at least honked to get people's attention. Mine just ignored us. Stabby ensued.

And third: yesterday I was waiting for the bus at the bus stop, and the driver barely stopped. He slammed on his breaks because he didn't see me sitting on the bench at the bus stop. And when I hop on and show him my pass, he tells me next time I need to stand so he can see me. How about you do your job and look at the mother fcking bus stop?

I'm starting to think it may be the drivers of this route though. Last spring there was one driver I liked a lot because he made sure he got me to the right stop in time to catch the campus bus, waited for me to cross the street so I could catch the bus home once, and also honked to get my attention when I dropped my wallet (that was later stolen and returned). No such luck this semester.

And back to last summer. The route was changed during the reconstruction of Limestone Street, so I had to get off a (huge) block earlier and then walk to class. Meanwhile, the other pithy college kids who cluster together in those apartments that are really just glorified dorms, they still get a campus bus that gets to drive on Limestone and takes them all the way to campus.

Never mind that I only get one bus that runs once an hour or any of those who actually need the bus and rely on it. But a they'll give a bunch of spoiled college kids multiple buses ever 10 minutes to take them from one end of campus to another because they are too lazy to walk. Ok, campus is huge and walking a few extra miles isn't as easy for some as it is for me.

But still bus system, how about we shape up?

Shin Spints

I'm pretty sure I have shin splints. Shit.

For them to heal, you are supposed to rest them and ease back into your workout. Umm no, s'aint happening. My first half is in a week and a half, the 2nd is 4 weeks after that. I still have to run and keep in shape.

It's not just the running either, how do you rest you rest your legs? I still need to walk the dog, I'm on my feet at my job, and I walk a lot on campus too. I elevate my legs when I can, I ice them for an hour after work, but still, I don't think that's going to help them heal, just stop me from exasperating the injury more. There's always the tape option, which I'll probably start using as well. And that's a sexy look. My thick man legs with tape wrapped from my ankles to knees. Great.

Lesser of the evils I guess.

Still. Boo.

Loot and Pillage

Remember how I dropped my wallet a few weeks ago but someone picked it up and handed it back to me? And I was relived I didn't loose my monetary life? And I considered it good karma for everyone involved? Yeah, that's kinda moot now.

My wallet was stolen yesterday. Not misplaced, or dropped or lost. STOLEN.

I went for my long run yesterday (10 miles, 101:28 minutes) and I was feeling pretty good after it. My weekend was going well, I just started spring break, I got to spend time with my sister, I got a pretty new dress and I had a great date with dr soc. I had a good run (I was tired don't get me wrong, but still, good run), and I had just watched UK squeak by with the SEC championship. Good mood.

So when I get to the locker room to put on dry clothes and go home, I see right way that I had forgotten to close the lock on my locker. I searched my gym bag to make sure everything was still there. Obviously not. My bag wasn't that full, and my wallet is, err, was, bright teal, so it's easy to spot. The thief who I know was a girl because it was stolen from the women's locker room, left my cell and car keys, and there was no cash in there. I had my ipod on me at the time, but still. MY WALLET WAS STOLEN.

I searched the bathroom stalls and I told the front desk. I knew they couldn't really do anything about it though since it was my own carelessness. I canceled my credit cards and suspended my plus account (uk money) w/in 2 hours of it happening, and I can get a new licence today. I lost my bus pass but I can get a new/different type of pass and work will reimburse me, so I'm not out that much money. Basically, the only thing this girl got from me is my bus pass that's valid for another 2 1/2 months and a fake id if she looks like me.

I'm mostly pissed about it being essentially my own fault. The steeling part sucks and it's still steeling which is illegal, but I was the one who forgot to lock my locker. I presented the opportunity. And I so rarely do shit like that. I feel violated, a complete stranger went through my stuff. But I acted quickly and I can replace everything. It's mostly a huge inconvenience on my part.

Lesson learned I guess. Still sucks though.

Food Wars

My sister was always yelling at my dad for finishing her drinks that she left out. I found it hilarious when we were growing up. Amy, I'm sorry for laughing becasue I completely feel your pain now.

I made peppermint bark and chex mix over the weekend. The peppermint bark is/was going into multiple gift boxes for work and not meant to be eaten by my house. I had one of those disposable 48 oz container things full and ready to give away.

I say was because my dad was left alone all day and ate the top layer of the bark. I have no idea how much that actually is, but there's a noticeably visible difference in the amount I started with and the amount I have. And even though I told him, several times when I was prepping it, making it and storing it, and that it was not for us and to leave it alone, he didn't listen. So I ended up making another batch this morning, pre-shower/pre-coffee because someone is incapable of listening to their neurotic and ridiculously high strung daughter. And while I was going to make another batch for the family later in the week, I had to make it on the fly because I no longer had enough to give away.

Fortunately, I had the supplies to do so, I had saved some chocolate to do just that, make a batch for home. So as I'm crushing the candy canes this morning, my dad comes up and ask if I want him to do that part since that's what he did to help last time. I shot him a look and said, "you've done enough." So he walks away, and opens the peppermint bark that was going to be given as gifts! I screech (and yes, screech) "STILL NOT FOR YOU!!!"

In other cooking news I made a batch of chex mix so we (and yes, this was for the family) could have snacks. I was hoping it would last a few days so I could at least take it to school. Yeah, that's gone too. This whole not your food thing happens a lot though. Pretty much whenever I cook, it's gone soon after.

So on one hand it is a complement that whenever I make something, it's gone in a day or two.
But it's also really annoying, and honestly, this whole bark thing just pissed me off.

Travesty

This happened a week or so ago, before school started. But I'm sharing this story now.

My coffee machine decided to die that morning. I don't know why or what wasn't working, and I didn't care to know why or what either. What I did want to know was who I had pissed off that the coffee gods decided to hate me that morning. And how could I make amends. Because this no coffee thing? Not cool.

Due to my general morning fog which was only increased by my lack of caffeine, I crashed my bare foot into the oven. And promptly yelled "F*CK!" Very, very loud. My car was at the mechanics then. And Bailey wasn't putting any weight on her back leg so it was time for another round of vet visits. (she doesn't "do" the annual appointment thing. She's ridiculously needy).

This was not shaping up to be a good morning at all. And I was getting stabby as a result. Somewhere in there, I knew the solution was to take a shower, put on pants, take the gimpy dog for her morning walk across the street and get a cup of coffee. Then call the vet, make an appointment, pick up my car, and get a new coffee maker. Because that's what a grown up would do.

But instead, I sat and sulked and pouted like a bratty 4 year old.

Still not done

Dammit to hell, I am still not finished going to the dentist! I was so convinced this was it today, I was getting the crown and then I was done until my next cleaning. And I did get a crown today, just a temporary one. The permanent one goes in three weeks from now.

I'm tired of the Novocain, the whirring/grinding/god knows what else noises, the smell of burning (and wtf? why is that smell coming from my mouth?) my jaw being sore, and the bills I'm going to be paying for-ev-er on. And today we added an acrylic tasting to mix things up a little, because you know, all the other things are just getting too routine. I'm just tired of it all. I don't think my dentist is though, she's making a killing off me (and the rest of my family too, I bet she LOVES us). In all fairness, I do like her and I'm very appreciative that she always passes the scary tools behind my head or under my chin where they are out of my vision line.

I've seriously lost count of how many times I've been to the dentist in the past month. I'm on 5 or 6. (I can't remember if she did one or two fillings) But whatever the number, oh my god can we just be done already?

Fusterated

I'm trying to register for classes for summer and fall. And I understand that I can't take some classes because I don't have the pre-requisites yet. But some classes should go together, like chemistry lecture and chemistry lab. Same with biology (I am not looking forward to biology and all it's ickyness)

But they offer the corresponding labs during the lecture time...and you can't sign up for both due to to "time conflict." And it's making me stabby because I can't sign up for classes I have to have but I can't take. Class schedules should not be this hard!

Grr, I'm just going to play around with the buttons and hopefully hit the right combo to get the classes I need. Plus I'm going to meet with my adviser the end of this month to figure out where I stand schedule wise (transferring/petitioning for credits really complicates things - thanks uc for counting for practically nothing (bitter much?)!). Maybe he can show me what buttons to push.

(also, I've been really stressed that I'm trying to plan my days by hour/half hour increments. I even schedule my sleeping/eating times. How micro-manged am I? I blame daap for this level of crazy)

The Day Don Pablos was Ruined

I heart Don Pablo's. Thursday nights are half priced house margaritas all day throughout the restaurant. And the house margarita is like poolside. When I was a nubile 20 year old, my older friends would all order margaritas and then place them in between us, and I would "accidentally" drink them. I liked this tradition, and so did the rest of the chapter. But eventually, I was one of the older members, and there were more underagers then "accidentally sharing" allowed. Which does lessen the luster of margarita happiness (in public).

One Tuesday, we had a dinner meeting there, mainly because us old people (by old I mean 22) insisted on it. Margaritas were half priced from 6-9 after all! It was a fairly cold and rainy day in mid October. I had just come back from Cleveland from being in my friend's super fun wedding, but I was weddinged out. Seriously. Jeanne's wedding was an event, I needed to decompress from the whole bridesmaid duties.

But I was sitting across from Susan (name change), who was engaged (w/a not big enough ring according to her) and wanted a blow by blow of Jeanne's to compare notes. And next to me at the head of the table was Jackie (name change), who wanted to share everything about her wedding, which she seriously had the entire thing planned. The only thing she needed was the actual fiance and to put money down. And her king of the douch bags boyfriend didn't even propose until 2 years later. (Not to mention all of us she "forgot" to invite. But that's probably a good idea, because I would have mocked her back fat rolls and 3 chins all the way down the aisle).

So it's a cold rainy night, on my left I have 19 year olds bitching about not getting a margarita, I have a one sided pissing war across from me, a pretend lavender wedding to the right of me. And my margarita was empty and full price (since the waitress was a twat and "forgot" to inform us that to get the half priced margaritas we had to go to the bar to get them, ergo, bumping up her ticket sales. Right, guess who didn't get a good tip?) It was the day Don Pablo's was ruined.
It was a very sad day for Sarah.

Fortunately, time has passed and the Dan Pablo's love has been restored. But I sure as hell ask the server if it's happy hour at the table now.

Beyonce Annoys Me

"If you like it then shoulda put a ring on it." Shut up Beyonce. I had the ring. And it ruined everything.

That bitter aside, I don't think she's a bad singer. I don't think she's that great though. I think she's a bit all over the place voice range. Also, her fierce stage personality Sasha becasue she's shy herself is complete and utter bull poop. If you're shy and don't want the spotlight, stay out of it. Give it to someone who at least admits they're an attention whore. And why the hell is she soooo sexy? I admit she has a rocking body. But one thing I'll never get is her "dancing." Personally I think she looks like a fish flopping on dry land. And I think her robot glove is stupid also. I don't even want to know how much she spent on that useless "glove."

Why am I ripping on her? I'm crippled with envy of her success.

Suck It Clariol

I am a brunette. Which is a fancy word for plain brown. It's not dark brown, light brown, or auburn. Not walnut, not chocolate, chestnut, honey brown, copper brown, or mahogany. I don't have golden highlights or espresso low lights. I'm just plain brown.

I don't dye my hair, and I've been told my color is beautiful. I smile and say thank you, but I don't feel that way. I feel plain and unnoticed most of the time, unable to stand out or ever able to achieve bombshell status. And even if I did start dying my hair, I don't even know which direction to go, nor do I care paying for a professional or the upkeep either.

I guess what irks me is that I hardly ever hear anyone dying their hair brown (unless trying to cover the gray that is). It's always more blond or more red. Rarely is it more brown. I've heard of enhancing with hazelnut highlight and/or sable low lights. And when a blond star dyes their hair brown, it's always "for a role." Never because she wants to be brunette. And the press is overjoyed when she goes back to blond. You never hear "she's a bottle brunette." So does anyone willingly dye brunette? Not really, I think they just do that because they bitterly can't go blond or red. So they do the lightest brown they can find and then highlight the hell out of it.

Don't even get me started on eyes. Damn things are plain brown too.

Arrrgh

It's like he finally understands. For Christ sake, now he starts to understand! Not two months ago when we were at the make it or break it point. Not while I was looking at apartments, or packing my things. Not before I quit my job and uprooted my life. Not even giving back the ring made him understand the gravity of the situation.

No, it has to be now, when I was starting to think I was moving forward. Too little too late like always. No, it's now he's realizing what a fool he is. Maybe one day he'll truly want the same things I want. Maybe he'll even want them with me. He might be a real husband and a devoted dad one of these days. He's going to be all the things I want for somebody else. And the only reason he ever got there in the first place is because I was the practice. And that sucks. It's not fair it's not fair it's not fair! Some days I want to wring his neck and pop off his over inflated head. Other days I want him to come flying back to me and starting over. I want him to see every single dream fall apart in front of him. But most days I just want to not feel anything.

I'm a firm believer in karma. And I can't remember doing anything that particularly naughty. So I better be in for the most wonderful time of my life. Because nothing is worth this much conflict. Nothing.