Monday, September 18, 2017

Smoking Kills

me texting my girlfriends:

me: god I am so tired today. A stupid spider set off a smoke alarm which triggered the rest of the alarms. It was AWFUL. But somehow the baby slept through the whole thing. So she got a good night's rest.
lb: don't spider's know not to smoke?
me: apparently not
michele: smoking kills
jeanne: spiders are stupid
lb: seriously though, explain the smoking spider

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Call Me!

These are the phone numbers that I can rattle off no problem:

  • mine
  • dr soc
  • my parents' house
  • work's public line if i think about it for a second  


  • my ex fiancé's

And here's why. A friend had left her cell in my pool bag and neither one of us realized it until she and my ex were at work. She couldn't call her fiancé to get it from me because she didn't know his number. (I ended up dropping it off at work-which was not on the way- before I went out of town. ie: I'm a good friend) My ex was astounded she didn't know her fiancé's number, but I came to her defense. Ever since cell phones became the norm no one's really had to memorize a phone number since it's stored in your contact list. After all I didn't know his number off the top of my head.

He was gobsmacked (and pissed). How could I not know his number? After all, he knew my number! (but not the exact date of my birthday) And his phone number was so easy too! It was one number different than the area code and then 2 other numbers! How could his fiancé not know his number!?

Well I once heard you have to repeat something (at least) 21 times before it's committed to memory. Being the mature young 20-something I was at the time to shut him up I started reciting his phone number. Twenty-one times.

me: 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx...
::while following him around the apartment:: After the 10th time or so-
ex: okay, okay, I get it!
me: nope, it's gotta be 21 times before I remember. Great now I've lost count and have to start over.
me:-sigh-: 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx....

Yup. But, hey, I learned his phone number. Which came in handy when I drunk texted him the holidays after we broke up.  

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Puppet Master

Whenever my daughter learned a new skill/noise/life doing/etc, dr soc and I were super excited to show it off. So of course when we encouraged her to show off the new whatever to someone (i.e. show Grandma your new tooth! Can you make your new noise? Can you tell mommy you're all done!) she would just glare at us, stone faced, clearly communicating "hell no."
So then my quip to the stare down was "I am not your monkey mommy!"  Everyone laughed, we all move on with life.

Anyway, now that the girl is a toddler she's learning new skills/noises/words/life doing/etc at a rapid rate. But this time she's the one super excited to show-and-tell them. So now all the adults mimic her and pretty much obey her every command. She says "jump!" and we ask how high.

So she was never my monkey, but she sure figured out puppet master pretty quick.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Natural Disaster

So Texas drowned, and Florida isn't far behind them.
The Pacific Northwest is on fire, while the North Great Plains are in a drought.

Is there like, a big hose available to connect those places? Send all the extra water from one place to the another place that needs it. Simple right? And if you want an even crazier idea about a natural disasters, maybe we could find a way to harness the hurricane winds for energy and reduce our utter dependence on fossil fuels. Or is humanity just a silly lady idea?

I guess I could just pray* for everything and not actually do anything. And deny**** climate change.****** Because that's what's really helpful.

*and/or claim this is god's punishment for the "gay agenda**" ***
***devastate everyone for the "sins" of a few? Way to be an asshole there God.  
****at least the human involvement part*****
*****all of it
******it's legit according to science

Thursday, August 31, 2017


What the ever loving hell is WRONG with the president? That man-child is:

  • Stupid
  • Ignorant
  • Ugly (auto-disqualification for women-attack on looks) 
  • Fat (another auto disqualification)
  • Has absolutely zero empathy
  • Insensitive
  • Unaware
  • Entitled
  • Notoriously thin skinned
  • An aggressive bully
  • Xenophobe (that's a big word for racist so he might understand)
  • Misogynist (another big word for women-hating*)  
  • A sexual assaulter**
  • A total creepster***
  • Narcissistic
  • Impulsive 
  • Reckless
  • Shallow
  • A hypocrite

That cheeto is bat. shit. crazy. and has the nuclear codes. We're so fucked.

*except the daughter he'd date****
**but only models
***he called his daughter a piece of ass and would date her. 
****fucking creepster

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Politicaly Correct

It irks me if I hear someone blame political correctness for inaction or judgement lapse. And it really bothers me when not being politically correct is considered something "refreshing."
Because here are a few synonyms for "politically correct:"

  • Unoffensive
  • Nondiscriminatory
  • Unbiased
  • Neutral
  • Appropriate
  • Nonpartisan

Think about it, something politically incorrect falls into one or more of these catagories:

  • Offensive
  • Discriminatory 
  • Biased
  • Charged
  • Inappropriate
  • Partisan

So you are politically correct by not using derogatory terms from antiquated times. You are also politically correct when you don't discriminate based on a person's protected class(es). Actually, just don't discriminate in general, that's even better. So being politically correct isn't really about politics. It's just correct.