My dad passed away 5 years ago. I'm so good at remembering significant dates in general like birthdays and anniversaries, so I just can't not remember it. Today has been looming over me since June 1st and I've had this dull sense of dread leading up to it. And now it's here and it'll be gone soon and for that I'm relieved, but my heart just...hurts so bad today.
Maybe it's the mess that is 2020. Maybe it's seeing my kids grow and knowing dad won't meet them on earth. They do lift my heart but today I'm so aware of the break Dad leaving left. Maybe it's all the anger and resentment coming back. Maybe it's not being able to call my mom and sister knowing I'll make them feel worse. Maybe it's wondering if I was kind enough. If he knew how much we love him. Maybe it's that I can only hope I made him happy. Maybe it's thinking it would get a little easier each year when it's not. Maybe it's all those things. Maybe it's none of them.
Today I'll cry and hug my little family tight. I'll change my profile picture and post my words to the internets. I'll miss my dad and think about him all day.
Love you Daddy.
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