Hypocrisy

How dare the government look at white peoples 2nd amendment right? But only for the white mostly male right holders. And even when a particularly hateful one of their own is a victim… if anyone points out you reap what you sow (aka fuck around and find out) that speaker is the asshole. 

And then that asshole will be canceled by the exact same people who are against cancel culture when it hurts any assholes in power. 

Not all white people bla bla bla, whatever. A blanket statement doesn’t apply to your special snowflake status. But they aren’t snowflakes themselves, no no no. That depravity is the snowflake. That snowflake is not special but also SO special. That not special special snowflake is not included in the blanket not all category with the other snowflakes who aren’t snowflakes.

Terrifying yes? 

The united states of misogyny

We don't need to beat this to death. I don't need CNN, Fox Faux news, NPR or anyone else to mansplain to me why, once again, a petulant convicted felon rapist spewing vitriol, beat the vastly overqualified and educated, this time Black/Asian, female candidate. AGAIN.  

We live in a systemically racist patriarchy. America has always oppressed non-white cis-males. Women, and above all a woman of color have always been expendable. THAT is why. Yes, the economy was a factor, but just like 'not all men' are rapist, jackasses, douche canoes etc, the economy was a portion of the problem, not the overall problem.      

Look, I know Madame President Kamala Harris couldn't have fixed everything for everyone. Big issues take BIG time, but she would have started fixing things. Because women, back women especially, get shit done because they have to. Meanwhile, the orange conman flings shit because no one will tell him no.

So, yeah, I'm scared. I'm angry. And I don't want to be kind to the asshats who voted for him. Once again, any "others" have to justify their existence in a country that has never seen them as equal. When he does exactly what he says he will do, no mater how outlandish, cruel, nonsensical it was, don't be surprised. I swear to god if you clutch your pearls I may choke you with them.   

2020 Ire

November 9 2016 I was scared shit-less at the election results. 

Now? In the wake of RGB's death? FUCKING TERRIFIED.

And I'm FURIOUS I'm even scared in the first place. I am not okay! I am actually on the verge of a panic attack I'm so indescribably upset. This is not good. The world is not okay. We are in an orange bully garbage fire while his shrew cronies pour gasoline. And I will not accept this is the world I'm leaving for my children.     

 

You 2016 trump voters: Fuck you.

And you 2020 voters for him? FUCK YOU.  

If you are ashamed to vote for him but do so anyway: fuck your cowardliness.

If you vote for a 3rd party for whatever reason: fuck your narcissism.

If you don't vote at all: fuck your white male privilege. 

What I'm saying is: If you don't vote for anyone except Biden/Harris: FUCK YOU. 

Yeah. I know who you are. I don't care if you have hurty fweeling the same way you don't care about the ramifications of your vote. Go choke on your conservative fox news bullshit.

Camping is Gross

I present a classic Spazella:
Reasons I _________ list:
So here is: Reasons I don't camp.

1. I have no survival skills. I would probably die.
2. I'm not going to sleep on the ground. Rocks digging into whatever body part they want and dirt? No thank you. 
3. I don't want to pee in the woods either. (I might feel differently about that if I was a boy and I could write my name in the snow.)
4. I pretty much hate nature. 
5. It's too quiet. That scares me.
6. It's too loud and full of nature noises. That also scares me.
7. Also, bears live in the woods. Bears will kill you.
8. No internets? Pass.
9. I have AAA for hotels. And even if I didn't - I would still hotel.

Buckle up

Doomsday. The apocalypse. Tribunal of penance.
Inauguration day is here. GULP.

Okay, so, as much as I want to see that misogynistic asshole fail spectacularly, that would mean the country we all live in would suffer the same fate. Okay, fine, don't fail spectacularly.
But if he's removed from office, we get villain-face Pence...and that's pretty scary. Scarier than the inexperienced clown in office, because this guy has experience and it pretty much anti-everything. So no villain face in power either.
Which leaves us the Speaker of the House: Ryan. Also scary, but in a prettier/younger package to make him more palatable for the general public.

Well these options suck. I guess the best thing I can hope is Congress stays on the obstructionist path and nothing gets done the next 4 years (please, please, please 4 years).  So while we're no better off-at least we're not back in 1954.  

God help us all.

2016 Election Thoughts

I am pretty horrified by the 2016 election results. Actually, scared shit-less is a better description.
I know my husband and I will be okay. We're a white/Asian heterosexual legally recognized married college educated couple. We both have careers and insurance through our employers. But what about my LGBTQ friends? What about my extended family who is uninsured? What about the disabled and all the other same groups of people I don't know? What about my daughter? What the hell kind of world are we leaving her?

A demagogue. A racist. A xenophobe. A misogynist. That. That scares the hell out of me. And it should scare the hell out you too.

And I'm angry. I get that people just hate Clinton, whether it's she's establishment, not your party, don't agree with her record, etc. But you couldn't accept this devil you know is far better (and safer choice) than the devil you don't? And though I vehemently disagree with you, I accept that you have a reason for your choice. But don't defend the demagogue president-elect's rhetoric and behavior. Defending is accepting and allows the stance that anyone who isn't a rich-white-man is less than and doesn't matter as much. And that should be unacceptable behavior for a human being.

And to those of you who assuaged your conscious and voted for a 3rd party or write-in I hope you feel at least some sort of shame too. Because even though you may be happy you didn't didn't vote for either evil, your protest vote was not a vote for Clinton and she needed numbers. And while I know her supporters needed to show up at the polls too, splitting the vote is simple math and helped put that orange asshole into power.  

I proudly voted for Clinton, so I'm dismayed at the election results. And for a small bit of levity for this terrified post, I'm also pretty disappointed there won't be a taco truck on every corner either.  

Happy New Year

So. My 2014 started off with a bang.
New Years Day we drove to Kentucky to visit my parents and our friends. Saturday we were headed to cinci for a college friends wedding, and Sunday we were headed back to Charlotte. But those plans were scraped because:

My dad was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia.

The day after Mike and I arrived (Thursday), when dad came home from his adult day care, he was moving incredibly slow, barely had any coordination and balance, and he was trembling all over and leaning heavily towards his right side. I hoped that it was just his blood sugar being low due to his diabetes, but the shaking and leaning had me so scared that I feared this was something far worse (a stroke). Dad has lost most of his ability to talk, so even if he did know and could describe what was wrong, he couldn't even tell us anyway. With his doctor's office closed for the evening and the doctor on call being busy when my mom called, Mike and I exchanged and look and decided we were taking him to the ER now.

With a lot of difficulty we got him in the car and with even more difficulty we got him out of it. Dad was like a rag doll at this point, so it took all 3 of us to move him from the car, and even then if it wasn't for the help of a good Samaritan, he would have collapsed on me and than both of us would have been hurt. He was checked in and taken back to an exam room pretty quickly, and then we waited. (Turns out I went to elementary school with the ER admitting tech. She couldn't remember if I was the older or younger one (older), but she did remember that one of us sucked our thumb for a really long time (that was totally my sister).) Eventually from all the tests, blood draws and other hospital stuff, the doctor diagnosed a clear case of pneumonia.

He was given antibiotics and admitted for treatment after that, but he would have to stay in the hospital for at least a few days. And you know, it never occurred to me he would be admitted. Even though pretty much anything with the exception of low blood sugar would probably require hospitalization, it didn't even cross my mind he would have to stay in the hospital for some reason. Mike said that was due to being in crisis mode, we were so focused on finding out what was wrong that we couldn't fathom anything past that point.

I could go on and give more details about the rest of our visit, but frankly I'm so tired and I'll finish up the rest of the story tomorrow. But my dad is recovering very well and he can leave the hospital tomorrow! Yes we were in crisis mode, but all things considered, it was a manageable crisis and it put mom, my sister and I on the same page of dad's care, which is something we have never had before.

So yeah, my dad certainly started 2014 with a bang.

Update 1/10/14:
Dad went home on Wednesday the 8th and he's doing very well. There really isn't much more of the story anyway. We spent the next few days rotating shifts and staying overnight with dad. We decided to not go to the wedding and missed seeing my college friends, but everyone understood and we did get a little more time to see our Lexington friends. And my mom finally, finally has started accepting help with my dad's care. So I'll reiterate that while this was a crisis and really scary, all things considered, things are going to be ok.    

Sorry Bambi

First things first: I am OK.
Second: I hit a deer on my way home from work last night and now my car is in the shop.
Third: My rental car is a 2014 jeep and I like it!

Last night I was driving home from work when I saw a deer in the road. Though I was able to slow down a little bit I was still probably going 45-50 mph (speed limits mean crap here in NC, you go 5 under or 15 over the posted limit), and I also didn't really have room to swerve one way or the other with other cars around me and the median on one side of me. I wasn't really sure what to do in that split second I saw the deer and then it started to run across my lane and bam!  

So technically, the deer hit me.  

But I was not hurt. At ALL. I was wearing my seat belt (I always wear my seat belt) and the damage to my car is only body work and it was on the passenger side. I didn't run over the deer, I didn't blow a tire, or break a wheel, or have to pull over, though I was on high alert just praying to get home. Once I got there I got out of my car and fully realized that I was physically fine, though I was pretty shaken up. Mike and I took a closer look at the damage after dinner, called my insurance and got the claim started right away. This morning we took Cam to the shop, and picked up my rental car so I can get to work for the next few days. I was actually pretty tickled at the car I got, I've sorta always wanted a jeep, and it doesn't feel like I'm driving a tank, so now I want one (fuel efficiently be damned, Sarah wants a SUV! (and then I had to get gas on my way home because the 1/4 tank the rental place started me with lasted about 50 miles))!

But I know despite the circumstance, I was incredibly lucky. The deer could have hit the driver's side or gone through my windshield, or both. The damage could have been so much worse, it could have involved other cars, and I could have gotten hurt. But this is what insurance is for, I have a husband to help out, I walked away without a scratch, and I have a sweet new ride for the next few days..

I was so lucky. Sorry Bambi....

Dog's Day Out

Last week Mike was vacuuming the house for Jeanne and Matt's and kids visit,when I heard the phone ring. I didn't recognize the number, but I asked my husband to stop for a second and picked up the phone.  The caller confused me at first by starting the conversation with telling me she was around the corner, but she had my full undivided attention when she told me our dogs were loose. Turns out the fence gate had been slightly open and they had escaped, and we were none the wiser.

I thanked the caller profusely and promptly told my husband the girls were loose, to which he immediately ran out the door to find them. I grabbed my shoes, their leashes and followed suit. It probably only took less than 60 seconds to reach them, but it was a long 60 seconds.  Because even though I knew everyone was ok and that it would be fine, it's still a moment of panic when you realize that your beloved dogs aren't where you thought they were and you didn't keep them safe.

The caller and girls were right where they said they were, and they both looked as happy as clams with big, tongue lolling goofy grins on their faces while they they sniffed the other dogs (who were probably the same dogs they had seen and had escaped the yard to get to). And when they saw mommy and daddy running towards them they got even happier, enjoying their escape, none the wiser they had scared the ever living crap out of.

As I was sprinting towards the girls (and I am not a sprinter, I'm a distance runner) it took me about 15 seconds to realize that the caller had called the home number on Bailey's id's tag that she always, always wears. I used to scratch her name and my cell number on the back of her licence when we lived in Kentucky, but it was pretty crude id. Once we moved to North Carolina and got settled, I got her an engraved one with her name and our contact information.  Bailey's also micro chipped, but that would only come in handy if she was taken to a shelter and they scanned her.  Jules has an id tag as well, but she doesn't wear it all the time (oh believe me, she does now), and she also wasn't micro chipped either until 2 days ago. So we're even more lucky that the girls stayed together when they escaped, or else we might have not gotten them both back. 

Anyway, once we reached them, we leashed them up and took them the short walk back home. They pranced all the way back. Of course they did. Of course they did.

Grey or Gray? Either Way, It's Not My Favorite Color

Apparently being too terrified to get the mail and doing nothing but worrying about getting into grad school was too much for Mike to handle.  So he made me call the grad school for my admission status this morning since classes start in a month.

I was right to be worried.

Someone in the grad school office looked up my name and the reason the decision was taking so long.  And then I talked to her supervisor to explain things. I was told that a decision has been made, but there are still some questions about my gpa.  So my application has been forwarded to the department head's attention.  Who is in Dallas the rest of this week and not looking at my application. So as of this moment, my admission status is still in a "gray area."

That? Is not a yes. It's not a no either, but... it's not a yes.

This has to be based on my uc gpa. Because my uk cumulative gpa was a 2.9.  I have nothing to show for my 6 years at uc except a low gpa.  And there is nothing I can do to change that.  So now I'm just wishing and hoping and praying that cincinnati hasn't kept me from something I want once again.  Last year when I walked at my graduation, I believed I had finally triumphed over that school.  I had nothing to be embarrassed about anymore. I could hold my head high and say I earned this, and cinci couldn't take anything away from me anymore.  I should have known better.

Needless to say, I'm even more anxious now.  I've said that I would apply again and look into other programs if it didn't happen this year.  But if my gpa is the reason for their hesitancy, there's nothing I can do to change that and this is just going to keep coming up, no matter what school I apply to.  I'm still at the mercy of other people's acceptance.  

Gray sucks.

Clown-phobia (honey, don't read this post)

My fiance hates clowns.  I'd say he's terrified of them.* So much so that he doesn't want anything to remotely resemble one even if the purpose of the thing is to be destroyed.  Like this cake: 


a smash cake** for a circus themed 1st birthday party

While searching for a dog birthday cake recipe, the above cake was listed as a previous post in this baker's blog.  Knowing full well of my fiance's abhorrence of clowns, I ask: hey, would you be ok with a clown smash cake?
him: NO. What's a smash cake?
me: A cake you give to a baby for the purposes of smashing.
him: Oh. Still. NO.
me: Ok. I just thought you may** be ok with it since it is going to be destroyed.
him: NO. There is nothing celebratory about them.

* We can all assume I will be the ones taking our future kids to the circus.
**A little cake given to the birthday tot*** to mush and smush all they want.  And, if they have the dexterity, maybe get some in it's mouth/tummy.  I'm sure it creates moments of glee, loads of embarrassing pictures to be shown to future prom dates, and a sugar-fueled messy tot.  I for one, can't wait to do this for Sharktopus and Dinocroc.  (see, naming or future spawn for clarification, if needed)
** Of course I knew he wouldn't be ok with it. I am well aware of his phobia, but, I just can't help but to tease every now and again. (I love you honey!)
*** Can grown-ups get in on this action?****
****Actually, on second thought, never mind.  Mushing cake does seem like a fun idea, but really, it's just a waste of cake and wasting cake is a crime.

Scared

I'm graduating in less than 3 weeks. I'm moving to Charlotte (and in w/dr soc) in 5 or 6 weeks.

I understand why people are asking me if I'm excited. I'd be asking the same thing. But I'm not excited.

I'm scared. I'm too scared that it won't happen. I'm too scared to get my hopes up. I'm too scared to enjoy myself and I'm too scared to be even a little bit excited.

So no, I'm not excited. And for the first time in many people's lives, I fail to have a response or anything to say.

Laugh or Cry?

You know those situations when you don't know whether to laugh or cry? You know, when something happens like you hurt yourself and the pain is excruciating so you start cracking up because you need a release, any release. That's how I reacted when I skied into a lamp post. I started laughing hysterically becasue it hurt like seven shades of hell. (I ended up going to the hospital that night, and when my boyfriend called to break up with me that same night, he chickened out. Then a week later he still didn't have the kahunas to do so, so I ended up calling him so he could break up with me. Yeah.)

This morning there was a situation that was really frustrating for all of us, and all I did was watch helplessly. The whole conversation seemed so over the top, bigger than life and grotesquely comical that I wanted to laugh. At the absurdity of the situation. So I'm trying to hold back a giggle, because in reality the situation is the furthest thing from funny, and I know that. I didn't know if I was going to laugh or cry.

And then I felt sick for wanting to laugh, so then I wanted to cry for being a horrible person. Which left me holding back inappropriate giggles as well as tears that were starting to sting. And I thought to myself: hey look at that. You know those situations when you don't know whether to laugh or cry? Crying ultimately ends up winning.

Dog Fight

Bailey got in a fight this morning.
First: she's ok. I'm honestly more shaken up than she was.

I was taking her for a walk this morning and we were crossing paths with another dog walker.
I don't know which dog growled at the other one first. I don't care either. Because they start fighting and as both humans try to yank our dogs away from each other, the other dog gets an iron grip on Bailey's cheek and she starts screeching.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to get in the middle of it because that's dangerous for me. But I can't let my dog get hurt like this. I know there's a way and a place to push or pull to get a dog's mouth to open up, I do this all the time when I give Bailey pills. But I'm not thinking like a rational person at the moment, becasue my dog is crying in pain and I can't stop it. Plus I don't want to stick my hands around a stranger dog's mouth that was clamped to Bailey's cheek, who knows what it would do to my hand.

So I'm just holding onto her for deal life, because by now I've dropped her leash, knees covered in mud from as I was trying to pull her away. Meanwhile, I'm hitting the other dog's face, practically crying, actually begging and yelling at the dog like a human: "just let go! Let go! stop hurting her!"
The other owner eventually shook the dog enough that the jaw loosened and we could pull them apart. He had two dogs with him and I guess it was lucky that other one just looked on and didn't do anything. There was enough noise coming from the dogs and my panicked cries that the neighbors came out to see if they could do anything. As we got them apart and I clutched my dog and checked her face, there was no blood so I figured she was ok enough. The guy asked me if we were ok and apologized. I said I think so, I'm just really scared right now.

It was just her cheek. It wasn't an eye or a tooth or her neck or bionic knees and any combination of those. Just her cheek.
But it's still fucking terrifying.

And here's another thing I hate about the whole thing, besides being scared to death and my dog yelping in pain. The other dog was a pit bull. I'm not against pit bulls, I think they are intense dogs, but I don't think they are bad dogs. It's the owners that encourage them to fight and bring out the malice in them that should be shot, not the dog. I was probably never going to get one myself, but if I adopted another dog at some point I wouldn't have discounted one solely on the fact that it had pit in it. But now, I'm a little scared of them I probably will do that now.

Sissy Pants

I was taking the dog for a walk and I'm walking down the driveway to get back in the house. And to my horrors, I see a snake sunning itself in the driveway.

My guess is the thing was 12-15 inches long and probably harmless.

But I still screamed bloody murder, spun on my heals and sprinted up the driveway and entered the house through the front door instead. Poor Bailey didn't know what was going on.

Scaredy Cat (that would be me)

We (ok, mom and dad) got an invisible fence for Bailey. There's mini dvd how to train her and it's basically show the border, temp to border, try to get her to stay inside borders ("the center of the yard is a happy playful place"). And you do this process over the course of a month, in 2 stages. Both with the zap collar on, but the first stage w/something covering the zap thingys. So it just beeps and doesn't zap yet.

Well today, we're outside doing our lesson, all is going well. I'm tossing a ball around trying to get her to chase it, but she's not going to the border/flag line because she knows I'll pull her away like I'm supposed to do. I'm reaching down to pick up the ball, but to the horror of all horrors, I saw a snake in the grass too. It only takes me a nanno-second to shriek at the top of my lungs and then bolt clear out of the yard, (and way past the invisible fence) practically dragging Bailey with me on her leash. Thank god we're still in the beeping phase. Because in my blind panic caused by what was probably a small garden snake, as I was crossing the flag line, I thought "f*ck the border! Snake! Must run for our lives!!" While she was thinking: oh mommy wants to sprint yay! (which I didn't, I already ran today and am not in the mood to go again)

Have I mentioned I'm terrified of snakes? TERRIFIED. Because if you hadn't figure that out by my above reaction, um yeah, terrified.