Smoking Kills

me texting my girlfriends:

me: god I am so tired today. A stupid spider set off a smoke alarm which triggered the rest of the alarms. It was AWFUL. But somehow the baby slept through the whole thing. So she got a good night's rest.
lb: don't spider's know not to smoke?
me: apparently not
michele: smoking kills
jeanne: spiders are stupid
lb: seriously though, explain the smoking spider

Call Me!

These are the phone numbers that I can rattle off no problem:

• mine
• dr soc
• my parents' house
• work's public line if i think about it for a second  

And:

• my ex fiancé's

And here's why. A friend had left her cell in my pool bag and neither one of us realized it until she and my ex were at work. She couldn't call her fiancé to get it from me because she didn't know his number. (I ended up dropping it off at work-which was not on the way- before I went out of town. ie: I'm a good friend) My ex was astounded she didn't know her fiancé's number, but I came to her defense. Ever since cell phones became the norm no one's really had to memorize a phone number since it's stored in your contact list. After all I didn't know his number off the top of my head.

He was gobsmacked (and pissed). How could I not know his number? After all, he knew my number! (but not the exact date of my birthday) And his phone number was so easy too! It was one number different than the area code and then 2 other numbers! How could his fiancé not know his number!?

Well I once heard you have to repeat something (at least) 21 times before it's committed to memory. Being the mature young 20-something I was at the time to shut him up I started reciting his phone number. Twenty-one times.

me: 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx...
::while following him around the apartment:: After the 10th time or so-
ex: okay, okay, I get it!
me: nope, it's gotta be 21 times before I remember. Great now I've lost count and have to start over.
me:-sigh-: 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx....

Yup. But, hey, I learned his phone number. Which came in handy when I drunk texted him the holidays after we broke up.  

ASSterisk

Asterisk: noun

noun: asterisk; plural noun: asterisks

1. a symbol (*) used to mark printed or written text, typically as a reference to an annotation or to stand for omitted matter.

ASSterisk: noun

1. exceptions, most likely cherry picked to justify asshole behavior

This is first amendment with Cheeto-in-chief's ASStrericks

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion*, *except the TV ratings gods
or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;* except Islam, Muslims are bad hombres
or abridging the freedom of speech,* *unless you don't agree with Cheeto in chief's "alternative facts."  
or of the press*; *except Twitter. No fake news like CNN, The Washington Post and New York Times allowed either
or the right of the people* *white men and very pretty women 
peaceably to assemble,* *but not in groups larger than inauguration crowds
and to petition* *but not peacefully protest en mass 
the government* *the patriarchy 
for a redress of grievances* *not discrimination in the workplace, sexual assault, unpaid family leave, unequal pay, autonomy of our own bodies.... real issues like hurting Cheeto's feelings

Now onto Amendment 2...

Coupon Queen

mike: I got some coupons from the oil change place for all the stuff that I did for my car. So if you need them in the next few months they're yours.
me: Thanks.
mike: I couldn't use them on anything I did today. So the guy said I could give them to my family, or my girlfriend. I guess he didn't see my ring!
me: Ha! Guess not. Though I have to say if you did give your girlfriend coupons I would be pissed.
mike: I bet.
me: And not about the girlfriend part. Well, ok, yeah, some of that would be that you have a girlfriend. But no, I'd be more pissed ab-
mike: About the coupons?
me: Yes! Exactly! You have a girlfriend and you give her coupons?  Low man.
mike: They were coupons for lunchables, You know, stuff you don't like.
me: -snort- Well if those are the coupons you gave her, then hahaha!. Because that means your dating a girl that eats lunchables and those hurt, when you know your wife has got it going on in the kitchen.
mike: Hahaha, true! 

Not a Puppy

Scene: Wee-hours of the workday morning, my coworker opens the last delivery bin.
M: No!!!  No!!!!
me (from across the room): Now, Marissa, you can't yell at the books, they aren't a puppy. Scolding won't do anything.
M: --snort-- You look, you'll see.
--I look, and see a bunch of books on disc that we don't have room for on our shelves--
me: NO!!!!

Grown Up Gifts

Today is my husband's 33rd birthday. So clearly, this is what I got him:

the sign says: ROAR! That's: Happy Birthday! in dinospeak

An inflatable T-Rex. Obviously.

And these are the cupcakes I sent him work with to share with his coworkers.

It was either sports or princess cupcake liners.
You can see why I chose the way I did.

He wouldn't let me decorate them with the little "score!" flags. Something about those not being professional?

Just wait and see what I have planned for 40!
Happy Birthday Honey!

Ear Worm

mike: You coming to bed?
me: Yeah, just once second, I want to request the right cd from the library before I forget.
mike: Call me maybe?
me: Nooo. No....
mike: Mmmhmm.
me: No, really I'm not. Not call me maybe. More so... (small voice) Bieber.
--mike's mouth falls open--
me (defensively): You know I like teenage music.
mike: --hangs head in defeat-- Yes. Yes I do.
me: And you married me anyway. (snort) Sucker!

Best Acronym Ever

I'm on the knot reading etiquette message boards. And because some brides take all their time debating god knows what, they don't have time to use their words, so they abbreviate or use an acronym for every single fcking thing.

So idk wth ppl r saying.

There is however, one that cracks me up. Someone posted to the message boards asking if her wedding date was a bad date. And the general consensus was check w/the key members of who you want there, and if the date works for them to go for it. Just be sure to send out stds.

Now I don't know which std is more wedding related, or how well something like the clap travels via mail.  But I'm just going to say that if I received a std from someone I probably don't want to go to their wedding!

one mind

me: Last night in my dream I had a dream.  It was so weird.  But at some point in there, I don't know if it was the dream or the dream within the dream, I dreamed that your ex was trying to get you back.
mike: That's actually funny, because last night I dreamed that your ex was trying to get you back.
me: Whoa. We had the same dream?
mike: Guess so.
me: Cool yet very odd. In my dream your ex showed up to my parents house and claimed you had finish something with work with her.  You actually did have to finish this project so you did, but both of us knew what she was doing.  So I just stood there on the landing shooting you glares to finish up the project as fast as you could and get her out of there.
mike: Ha! Well, there's a negative 90% chance that would ever happen. So you have nothing to worry about.
me: That's good. Oh, and you have nothing to worry about from your dream either.
mike: Yeah? Your ex won't ever try to get you back?
me -snorts- No, he's too lazy!
--mike snicker--