Natural Disaster

So Texas drowned, and Florida isn't far behind them.
The Pacific Northwest is on fire, while the North Great Plains are in a drought.

Is there like, a big hose available to connect those places? Send all the extra water from one place to the another place that needs it. Simple right? And if you want an even crazier idea about a natural disasters, maybe we could find a way to harness the hurricane winds for energy and reduce our utter dependence on fossil fuels. Or is humanity just a silly lady idea?

I guess I could just pray* for everything and not actually do anything. And deny**** climate change.****** Because that's what's really helpful.

*and/or claim this is god's punishment for the "gay agenda**" ***
**existing
***devastate everyone for the "sins" of a few? Way to be an asshole there God.  
****at least the human involvement part*****
*****all of it
******it's legit according to science

1950's House Wife

I don't think Dr soc is too keen on the idea of me being a kept woman. Something about social equality and all that other stuff he has his phd in.

And as fun as it would be to be a 1950's style housewife and do nothing but cook, clean the house and raise my 2 future Rhodes scholar children all while wearing pearls and heels, I'd frankly suck at the job. Mainly because I'm messy, have no children as of yet and a good 1950's housewife "knows her place" and lets her husband talk first. Which we know I hardly let him talk, let alone first. Nor do I have any pearls.

Oh and that whole know your place secondary to your husband status bull makes me stabby and that's still not a legal defense.

Assvice

So my dog's behavior is all my fault. I get it, I f*cked up. Again. I have to train her so I don't continue to have the stench of failure all over me. So I turn to the interwebs. Which is full of assvice.
Like this:

1. You should first start by socializing them as a puppy. Considering she's 3, we missed that step. F*ck up number one. We were too busy trying to be responsible pet owners and not get everyone else's dogs deadly sick when she was a puppy to socialize her. Sorry.
2. Don't physically or verbally abuse. Fair enough, but what exactly do you do when they do something bad? Say no in a pleasant sing song voice to not hurt their feelings? No harmless swat on the nose to feel shame? You know, this hippy dippy feel good shit doesn't work on everyone. Sometimes old school is the way to go. (I am not advocating beating your dog. I am merely saying that a two finger bip on the nose was a good enough lesson for Bailey during potty training)
3. Don't use shake cans because that will trigger aggressive behavior. Yeah, except the shake can works. And the sweet sing song voice doesn't.
4. Have other people outside the family/people who live in the house help with the training. (When getting the dog to stop barking at strangers) Because my friends have time for my problems.
5. Use a firm, controlled voice. Fine, I can do that. However, my dad mumbles and enunciates worse than me, so guess who thinks she's the alpha?
6. Only give treats for good behavior. Yes, I know, that daily slice of cheese was a behavior I should have stopped immediately.
7. Muzzle them to stop biting. Well, that would be fine and dandy if my mother didn't feel embarrassed for Bailey and then stop the corrective behavior mid training.
8. Or use a shake can whenever they start biting. The same shake can I'm not supposed to use so I don't trigger aggressive behavior?
9. Work with a professional trainer. Sure, as soon as I have a free 5-10 weeks and can pay in hopes and crushed dreams, I'll get right on that.

You know what interwebs? FUCK. OFF. I'm going to trust my instincts and train my dog how I want to. Even though this is how she got so "bad" in the first place. Kiss my ass.
So. Anyone wonder why I'm so frustrated over my dog?

What I Learned from Cosmo

• The only way I will ever get a man is with my vag.
• But don't show him the cookie right away or else he'll think you're easy. Which you are because you read cosmo.
• No seriously, vag, only way.
• By all means, use your feminine wiles to initially lure him, and your charm to get him to buy you a drink.
• But then, do dirty sex tricks because you are a cosmo girl and that's what a cosmo girl does!
• And it's the only reason he likes you in the first place too.

Seriously, for a woman's magazine, the entire thing is about men. Where to meet him, what to wear to attract his attention, how to snare him, how to keep him interested (w/your hoo, duh, we've been over this), how to balance your friends and your new guy time evenly, and eventually how to get over him because you ran out of dirty sex tricks. (btw, I do not consider crossing your ankles to one side a dirty sex trick, and crossing them to the other side a completely different one. It's an either or, not 2 separate things.)

Thanks cosmo! I'm a fun fearless female now!

Baby Fat

me: Hey, you want to go to yoga with me and P?
D: Sure. But I won't be the only fatty in the room right?
me: You are not a fatty, you had a 10 lb baby 6 weeks ago. Pregnancy weight is not fat. (Though the class is full of 20 year old toothpick sorority girls fyi...)

Apparently, when you have a baby, you gain weight. Go figure. And it's not the baby alone that packs on the pounds, you gain weight everywhere and in addition to the baby. And we live in a culture where getting old and fat are unforgivable beauty sins, so pregnancy is no excuse to not look your best either (because the impending pressure of raising another person isn't enough, you have to look amazing at the same time). So this weight gain thing that happens when you get knocked up, really isn't the best morale booster.

Pregnancy weight is NOT fat.

That is unless I don't like you* and think you're a bitch, then yeah, your pregnancy is fat.

* former co-worker. Nosy bitch wanted to know what my (wedding) dress looked like so she could tell everyone else about it. Because that's her surprise to ruin. And also, since I was engaged, clearly, I was already pregnant or soon on my way to being so according to her. We then had the following conversation in front of several other co workers:
me: I'm not going to be fat in my wedding gown.
fcw: pregnancy is not fat! I was 8 months pregnant my wedding day.
me: I know. Whatever makes you feel better about that I guess.
Other co worker: (hushed voices) did Sarah just call her fat in her wedding gown?

So moral of the story: Friend pregnancy = not fat and congratulations on the baby.
Nemesis pregnancy = you're just fat
And yes, I'm a bitch. I'm ok with that.

Tween Trash

Sometimes, rarely, I flip through a teen magazine before I put it back on the magazine rack at work. Number one, when did teenager-hood become the proper age for skank? (actually there's no proper age). I remember reading Seventeen and learning what to expect my first period, or taking a quiz to find out if I was a good kisser/what type of romantic I was (classic, in case you cared) or do I know how to juggle friendship and a relationship at the same time (I do by the way, I am an awesome friend according to these quizzes). Well now they have things like what kind of birth control do you use, high end fashion that a part time job won't won't help you afford, and diet and exercise plans to look your hottest ever in the clothes you can't afford.

Ok, I admit, I hate teenagers (most of them). They annoy the crap out of me. But I also remember it's a pretty tough age spot to be, and yet they have no idea how care free their life really is. Isn't being a teenager hard enough? Not only are your hormones out of control, you have to look awesome and be sexy at the same time when you have no idea what the hell is going on in the first place? Can this insecurity stuff wait? Though, maybe it's better to get the typical teen problems worked out when you're an actual teenager. Because what's worse: a typical insecure 14-year-old who whines they've never been kissed, or the insecure 23-year-old who whines because they've never been kissed? (The 23-year-old. Because then when you work with them you develop a chronic headache from trying to not roll your eyes every time they speak, you say "I'll tell you when you're older" when every joke goes over their head, and you develop a twitch from constant refrain of kicking them in the shins for saying/doing something so incredibly naive. Trust me on this one)

Another teen mag is Teen Beat, or j14U. Something like that, whatever. And it's always the same teen stars gracing the cover. That's because there are only 3 things that exist in the teen super star world: Twilight, Miley Cyrus, and the Jonas Brothers. And they are only so many actual teen super stars. Everyone else playing teens are in their 20's pretending to be 16 (Robert Pattinson, I'm looking at you-you glittering freak of nature). Every cover promises "kissing details on set," who's hooking up with which Jonas brother, or continuing drama over the Twilight saga (then again, everything about teen angst is a saga). But every 2 months or so, some starlet (usually the most recently dumped by a Jonas brother) inevitably claims, "I'm actually painfully shy."

Now does this annoy anyone else? If nothing else, I want to shake them and say, well, if you don't like the spotlight, get out. Leave it for the person who wants to be a diva (like J-lo. Woman s'aint exactly a teen, but she's a genuine triple threat, and knows how to get her way).

Seriously, I Just Don't Care

Part of my lab homework was to write a procedure for the experiment we did. Which at first sounded a bit daunting. But my TA said this will be one of the only times we write our own procedures. This is just a welcome to chemistry lab get your feet wet sort of thing.

So, no biggie really. I plot out a few steps, (Do a, b, c, voila I'm done), I write it so a first grader could do it and type it up. And we can edit them after we get them reviewed, so everything's fine.
Before we got to leave though, we had to each talk to our TA. Once again, fine. We lined up like good boys and girls, moving along swiftly. Until the girl in front of me. She's all riled up about something. I only caught snippets (because I wasn't paying attention), but she was getting her short shorts in a twist. Something about how no one's explained how to do this, the lab book didn't give any examples, and how was she supposed to get this right if she didn't know how to do it? So now she's going to have a bad grade and it's the entire chemistry department's fault. OK.

• First: it's not worth that many points, this will barely be a blip on your over all score.
• Two: the rest of us in this lab received the same amount of instruction as you did (not much) and managed to complete the assignment panties untwisted.
• Three, suck it up honey, this is college and no one's going to hold your hand through it.
• And four: is that a purple feather in your hair? What the hell? Like I'll ever take you seriously now.

I'm still annoyed at her as I get on the bus to go home 15 minutes later. And to add insult to annoyance, there was this old biddy was yelling conversationally to the driver. I had my i-pod turned up all the way and could still hear her clear as a bell. I wanted to yell at her: "SHUT your word hole! Shut it!"

So you know what I learned today? The combination of heat, humidity, hormones and age have contributed to the destruction of my tolerance level. Fortunately, when I came home Bailey attacked me with kisses, and that seemed to make things right.

Stupid questions

You know that saying there is no such thing as a stupid question? That's a LIE. There are totally stupid questions, and a lot of them too.

I've mentioned I get math. Yay me. But there are a lot of people who do not get it quite as inherently as I do, and need to ask questions. That's fine, ask if you don't understand. Those questions are not stupid. What is though, is that these people who ask, 9 times out of 10 it's because they were too busy texting during class to pay attention. So the question's usually something the teacher just went over.

If you need to learn this stuff, pay 'effing attention! You should try to do that anyway, but even more so if you have a hard time with the concept to begin with. And honestly, how important can you be 19-year-old that your bff cant wait another hour for your response to their "what r u doing 2nite" text (I've mentioned I hate text speak too, yes?). You are wasting my class time with your personal life. And that is not what my tuition covers.

PS people, putting your phone on vibrate sometimes is even more annoying then a ring. It's not exactly silent either when it vibrates and thumps everything around it. Plus the clicky clacky noises coming from the keypad, people can hear that too. So it's not even like you're doing anything on the sly.