I’m not here to…

Discuss xyz. But what I'm really going to do is express my opinion on xyz, and don’t want to hear anyone else’s abc opinion/facts. 

But if you do agree with xyz, you can comment in support. That's another unspoken rule of that 'disclaimer.' Another unspoken part: I put the disclaimer up because xyz is along the lines of the quiet parts said aloud. 

Funny thing is, the quiet parts were quiet usually due to shame or unpopular beliefs. Like separate but not equal is acceptable. Vaccinations are not  ‘big pharma’ money makers. Civil rights are only for cis-male-white everyone. Society may have changed and you may want to hold on to those outdated beliefs, but you kept that shit to yourself.  

So the I'm not here to discuss xyz really just means I'm going to say what I say and don't want to hear anything different. And in a way I get it, I also do not want to waste my energy defending my woke* ideals to closeminded fools.

*Whatever Offends Klanspeople* Easiest

*People because I'm being inclusive.  

The united states of misogyny

We don't need to beat this to death. I don't need CNN, Fox Faux news, NPR or anyone else to mansplain to me why, once again, a petulant convicted felon rapist spewing vitriol, beat the vastly overqualified and educated, this time Black/Asian, female candidate. AGAIN.  

We live in a systemically racist patriarchy. America has always oppressed non-white cis-males. Women, and above all a woman of color have always been expendable. THAT is why. Yes, the economy was a factor, but just like 'not all men' are rapist, jackasses, douche canoes etc, the economy was a portion of the problem, not the overall problem.      

Look, I know Madame President Kamala Harris couldn't have fixed everything for everyone. Big issues take BIG time, but she would have started fixing things. Because women, back women especially, get shit done because they have to. Meanwhile, the orange conman flings shit because no one will tell him no.

So, yeah, I'm scared. I'm angry. And I don't want to be kind to the asshats who voted for him. Once again, any "others" have to justify their existence in a country that has never seen them as equal. When he does exactly what he says he will do, no mater how outlandish, cruel, nonsensical it was, don't be surprised. I swear to god if you clutch your pearls I may choke you with them.   

Face your fears

God I hate that trope. Because my 5 year old is fearful of pretty much everything and will face absolutely nothing. It's not this cute little aww she's just shy sort of thing. It's a full force whiney cry and inability to function fear of...whatever it is. In the blink of an eye she has gone from 0 to 100 and once she's in that state there isn't a damn thing anyone can do to get her off that ledge.

The worst panic tantrums are always health/body related. Brushing her teeth. Trimming her talons nails. Performing basic body functions of going to the bathroom. When I start looking for Neosporin and or a band aid for her. Any medicine. Telling her we have to remove a splinter that she has said "it hurts!"      

Yes these are real fears to her and I want to respect that so she can work through them. I do. But sometimes we don't have time (or energy) to work through something, or there aren't any other options to give. It's very frustrating when whatever fear has been carrying on for a while and absolutely no effort has been made, especially if there isn't an alternative. And tbh once she's on that ledge her only option is complete obstinance so any amount of time or alternative is a moot point. 

For example, she'd rather let a gaping wound heal 'on it's own' but down the road that gaping wound leaves a scar she's distraught over that. And yes we told her she could have a scar but that won't change her mind in her fear tantrum. Or when she had an ear infection and she had to take medicine, and because there are no other options we had to force her to take it which we know isn't the right way but it had to be the way at that moment because we are not going to let your ear rot and fall off simple because she is too chicken shit to take the yummy medicine.

Yeah a part of me feels not great talking smack about my kid, but when she's being a jerk can we call a spade a spade here? But also I don't want her to miss out on things because she was to scared to even try. At a birthday party everyone ran across the room for something and she refused for some reason. So the rest of the party moved on without her, and she broke down in tears because she was hurt. And yeah it sucked to see her upset, but at the same time she has to learn sometimes the world is not going to wait.  

What it comes down to is that I'm just frustrated and I wish I knew the answer like before I had children.   

Dentist Drama Season Finale

So. The drama continued and concluded the following way:

- Stayed home from the babysitter all week and fell asleep on the bathroom floor for 3 nights, waiting us me out on the mouthwash. So we I conceded that loss. Then cried over my failure while simultaneously impressed at her ferocity. 

- Called our dentist (the one who discovered the cavities) and asked if they would sedate her. The answer: no, they only sedate adults. 

- Took her to a third (in network pediatric) dentist, who confirmed she had cavities, but, surprise! in obstinate 4 year old fashion wouldn't let the dentist actually do anything in their really* cool office. So we made plans to sedate - because it had to get done. In 3 weeks because that's the fist appointment we could get at the dental surgery center.

*I mean for fuck's sake they had a tv mounted on the ceiling and you could pick what tv show you wanted to watch! What the hell kid? This place is awesome!

- Rearranged my work schedule. Again. 

- Continued no treats (except special occasions like mommy's birthday cake).

- Took her to the pediatrician* to get her cleared to have general anesthesia.

*not sure if I'm slightly ashamed or proud that I impressed the pediatrician with my 4 year old wrangling/hog tying skills...  

- And this morning: we sedated. She managed to spit* out the relaxation syrup (yeah, sedation to sedate her) twice.

*once again unsure if  I should be impressed or ashamed 

But when they wheeled her bed back to anesthesiology and I couldn't go with her...my tiny, beautiful girl, I just...mom worry. But less than an hour later she was done and I could see her. She was cranky when she woke up from the anesthesia, but also, that's just my girl. At least now her cavities are fixed! We came home, watched tv, and got panera lunch. We're done! 

- Right. Not done. Because tonight she didn't want to brush those damn teeth causing all this drama because they felt funny but also refused to take any pain medicine for that. So I noped it and walked away. Because no. Just no. I'm done with this drama. Tonight at least. 

And this concludes our 2020 cavity drama theater.  

Dentist Drama

The excitement of Girl 1's first no crying successful* dentist visit was quickly tempered by the discovery of cavities. So a week later we go back to fill them and...nope. Reverted right back to the shrinking/wailing/terrified kid that we had to be referred to a pediatric** dentist. And when we went to that dentist she was even more terrified and screamed even worse, so the only treatment she received was a heavy fluoride treatment and was told to start using a mouthwash. When we go back to the not in network pediatric dentist in 3 months we have to hope that stopped them from growing, otherwise we have to put her under to treat her. All for teeth that she's going to lose eventually anyway. *cries*    

*Both visits prior she shrank into herself (and she's already pretty small) and wailed so much the dentist couldn't do anything in order not to traumatize her. 

**That's not in network. Of course not.

At least the mouthwash would be an easy enough stopgap measure right? *cackle* Fuck NO. The rigmarole at the dentists pales to the tantrums we've endured the past 3 weeks. My daughter fought me tooth and nail on her teeth...and nails* when she was a toddler and it's so. much. worse now.

*yeah, I know. The irony is not lost on me.

We have tried everything: No treats. No screen time. No puzzle with Grandma. We'll get her a Frozen II bed. No berry picking. Bribes. Go out for ice cream. Promises of Panera. Hugs. Kisses. Soothing tones. Screaming. Offering to do it with her. No Stories. Extra Stories. Walking away. And the one we thought would do it: No going to the babysitter's.  

Sunday night I sorta hog tied her with one arm and threw the mouthwash in her mouth while she thrashes and screamed with my other arm. Which went as well as it sounds. Monday night I told her she couldn't leave the bathroom until she did the mouthwash. She was begging to go to her bed (an entirely different battle for another blog for another day) and held on for an hour and a half before falling asleep on the bathroom floor. I was equal parts highly impressed at her ferocious tenacity and completely mortified she was asleep on the bathroom floor. 

 

So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to motivate her. I don't know her it seems. I never say the right things. I can't calm her down. I want to be a positive parent rather than a punitive one. I want to know what to do to help my girl. And I know this takes work but I wish it wasn't so fucking hard. This gargantuan effort it's taking to connect to my daughter makes me feel that I'm failing her. I'm not the parent I want to be and that hurts. And tonight the saga continues. Stay tuned.

Color Privilege

My daughter was handing me crayons and I was naming the colors for her along with my own little adages for context. For example:
Pink: this is mommy's favorite color.
Green: you're sitting on your green chair.
White: the color of privilege

Yup.
Because white people, white men, rich white men in particular, can be some stupid ass fools and do whatever they want (especially racist, sexist and ignorant what they want) and the rest of get to suffer the consequences. Because you know the white men aren't going to.

Yes, I know. Not all white people. Not all men. But lets review a few recent instances when white male privilege was totally a thing:

• Brock Turner (one of the whitest names I've ever heard btw) rapes an unconscious woman. Judge worries about the harm jail will have on him and not the victim of the crime he did. 
• Timothy McVeigh, Dylan Roof, and James Holmes are American terrorists, but lets talk about the mental help they should have received and not the victims they killed.
• The asshole in chief takes a "break" from his 18 day vacation from his own golf club to do part of the job he holds that he will never be qualified for. And he's going to start a nuclear war with N. Korea safe in his tacky gold leaf bunker while the rest of us grow radiation tails as we die a slow painful death in nuclear winter. 

But please, tell me again how white privilege isn't a thing.

Bills, Bills, Bills

While the asshole president is throwing his ritual twitter tantrums, the Senate and/or House is quietly passing their deathbed healthcare bill. I'm sure they're all hoping while the president sulks we won't notice the damage they are eliciting. I will say I am so confused. I just don't get the whens, whats, whys, whos and hows the government and bills should do.

Because church and state are separate entities, and corporations need to be left alone to regulate themselves. Fortune 500 companies may rightfully impose the CEO's personal religions beliefs on their employees. Denying abusers access to firearms is unconstitutional, but denying healthcare (or help to the victims of those firearms) is totally kosher. Speaking of Judaism, it's okay to practice whatever religion as long as it's not Islam, or you're brown, and you don't take the jobs white American is too good for. A poppy seed sized embryo is a person with all of it's rights and those rights take precedence over and at the expense of the female host, but only while being hosted. Females in general should not make health decisions about their own life/bodies but are held fully responsible when they were recklessly female and assaulted.

And then there's the enabling the poor people with entitlements. Don't feed the poor kids at school or have a safe place to go after school. Their parents need to work harder, get a job with a living wage and move to a better part of town. But don't mandate a living wage for heavens sake! Where would that money come from? Those rich tax breaks don't go very far.

Seriously, I don't get it. Can I get this mansplained?

Double Standard

I am so fcking annoyed of the douche bag president.

I'm so fcking sick at the excuses everyone makes for him.

But I'm really SO. FUCKING. ENRAGED with the double standards.

President Obama: Faithfully married 20+ years to the lovely woman he raises 2 daughters with.

Cheeto-in-Chief Trump: Unfaithfully married to 3 different women with 5 children he doesn't bother to raise.   

Secretary Clinton: Faithfully married 40+ years to an unfaithful man she raised 1 strong daughter with- and said daughter is faithfully married and has two children herself.

And that's just their personal lives.

As far as political lives....

OMG the emails. Twitter had storm after storm about those mother fcking emails.   

Trump blabs classified information to the Russians because he's boasting about his super awesome intell like the stupid 5 year old he is. Radio Silence.

   

   All the internal screaming. 

The Patriarchy!

So if the past election and current president have anything to show it it that sexism is alive and well and the patriarchy isn't going anywhere for a while.

The (white, female) SNL writer who tweeted once about the president's youngest son was called out multiple times by multiple people. She:

• Acknowledged it was out of line.
• Apologized for the tweet.
• Deleted the tweet and her account.
• Was indefinitely suspended from her job.
• And people are still demanding her head.

A (rich, orange) businessman tweets "flaming hot piles of brain vomit" since June 2015 insulting 305 different people/places/things NOUNS (including: revered civil rights leader John Lewis, entire countries, the Associated Press, mainstream media (which made him famous in the first place) and Major League Baseball (possibly the most American thing there is)). He:

• Became the 45th POTUS.

So yeah, the patriarchy ⚑⚐⚑*waves flag*⚑⚐⚑

Lack of Silver Linings

I'm looking forward to some very bright spots in the next few months, mainly weddings and lots of babies (though none of them mine). I'm super excited about these. But they don't relate to any of the dark clouds in my life and won't do much to pull me out of the factory of sadness and woe I'm going through.

I'm stressed with school. I had to drop a class this semester because I couldn't keep up with the work. And on top of that I'm easily distracted from the work that I can keep up with. This semester ends soon, but a week after that I start summer classes that are even more fast paced and intense. And the week after summer classes I start fall with another very full, very stressful schedule that I have to get done in order to graduate by May 2014. I want to have a baby in 2014 but I don't want to have one when I'm trying to finish grad school. I mean, if happens it happens, people have babies/children while they are in school all the time and they make it work. And I'm not opposed to being pregnant that last few months of school, imagine how cute and happy I'd be waddling as I receive my masters. But I can barely keep up now and I've already deferred a semester before, and I know myself well enough that if a newborn is added into the mix I'll crumble due to me already being stretched too thin. And I cannot crumble when I'm a mom.

But having a baby means I'm going to need maternity care somewhat soon. And insurance companies don't start coverage right away and don't always pay for anything when you actually need it. So when I actually need maternity coverage in a few months, I need to add maternity care to the private plan that I have now. Except my private plan doesn't have that option, and there's only one semi-affordable private plan with a different company out there that does offer it. And the problem there is that the company that does offer maternity I already applied to right after I was married. They kept my info and approved me for coverage, but then they lost the application and froze my account, so I never actually received any coverage in general. And because of my frozen application, I can't apply with them again. Seriously, I tried. That was the reason I went with the company I'm with now. I could get a job that offers benefits, but those are really hard to get in general. And right now I work full time between two part time library jobs that I really really like and had a very very hard time even landing in the first place, and I don't want to leave either one. There was a small hiring frenzy for full time staff a month ago for one of the systems that I work for, and I was impressive enough to interview for 2 of the positions, but not impressive enough to actually get them. And now the rest of the full time positions that I applied for have been frozen, so there's no longer any opportunities to grow. I know how lucky I am to be where I am now, and I know it is incredibly ungrateful for me to feel stuck in a holding pattern.

But the darkest cloud I'm in is over loosing Bailey. Dreading isn't a strong enough word and I can't find the words to describe the amount of pain and hell I'm going through. I wish she was gone already so I didn't have to live like this. But what I really wish is that I could change the past and not saved her 5 years ago. I wish I had understood unconditional love and that I had the strength to let her go then. Even when Bailey is living happily ever after somewhere else, her memory is everywhere. And I don't know how well I'll be able to move on from this loss when it does happen when I still have to live with that other dog rubbing salt in my wounds.  

And I know this is life, it moves on, time heals and all those other cliche adages people are so found of saying when you are grieving are true. But I don't want to be told to cheer up. I don't want to be comforted as I cry. I don't want to be fixed at the moment. I don't want to talk to anyone either because the last time I went to a counselor they said everything my husband wanted to hear. And while I will be genuinely happy when I need to be, I don't have much of a silver lining to look forward to. I. Am. SAD. And I get to be that way for a while.

Pants Always Beats No Pants

I need new pants for work. I have a decent amount of dress pants, but I don't really need to go that formal for my jobs. (both of which I cannot wait to start) I have 2 pairs of khaki/twill pants that I could wear, but that's it, I have 2 pairs and I need to wear them throughout the week. I have some capris that work in the summer, but it's not summer anymore. Not to mention I'm still searching for comfortable yet professional shoes and not old lady shoes that don't pinch.

But I don't have the funds to fortify my wardrobe. And even if I did have them, trying to find pants that fit is a whole 'nother mater. Because I wear a 0-2, sometimes a 4, depending on the brand. And do you know hard that is to find that size in women's clothing? Yeah you can find them in the juniors section, but I am 30, and I am not shopping in the teenage section.

I know, the skinny girl can't find pants that fit her, boo-fcking-hoo. I'm sure there are many people who would love to be at my end of the spectrum. But all I'm saying is skinny people can have problems finding clothes that fit too.     

matter

Yesterday I tried to enroll in a health care plan through work, but my employee number and name didn't bring up any records.  Which is odd and I talked to HR about it since my window for enrollment is still open.  But at the time, I felt like I didn't count with them I guess, and that the last few months have been nothing to them.  Because that was an unproductive portion of my day, in a cart before the horse move, I started to fill out my fasfa just in case I start school next semester. (Hey, wouldn't it be hysterical if I receive financial aid but don't get into grad school? A fcking laugh riot I bet!), but before I could file it, there was a discrepancy between the number of dependents and members living in my house hold.  I claimed that I am single/never married, because I am, but there are 2 of us living in my household.  Which is true, it's dr soc's house and I just live there.  But I guess the government doesn't understand that an "independent student" can still be dependent on other people.  So I had to list that there was no one else in my household.  

And that for some reason, really stung.  My ego was already bruised from applying for a job earlier in the day that I know I'm not really qualified for. My employee info not coming up for health insurance made me feel like I don't belong.  And now I have to say I don't have anyone at home with me.

I just felt like I really don't matter.  And that's a depressing place to go.

Brick wall

I expected thing to be hard with my dad.  And they are.  But you deal with it.  You adjust to a new lifestyle and you keep going.  But it is what it is.  My dad is mentally in a place that he can't take care of himself, and his reality isn't exactly the same plane as mine and the rest of us. But, oh well.  He's still my daddy, I will always love him, and I will enjoy the time I have left with him.

What I didn't expect, was the problems in dealing with my mother.  It's now been a year since the official diagnosis and she's still throwing herself a big 'ol pity party, feeling sorry for herself  that her husband isn't what he used to be. I know it's hard.  But she needs to put on her big girl pants and get over it.  Dealing with her and trying to get her to do things, I'm throwing myself against a brick wall.  But I can't let up or else my dad is the one that suffers the consequences of her (in)actions.

Yeah it's tough, my dad's disease and watching someone you love decline.  I expected that.  But I didn't expect mom to make things harder.  And that's what makes this whole situation even worse.

Know what's important

Last week I drove to meet little dude, visit with friends and then spend some time in Lexington.  But to first get to Cleveland, I have to drive north through Virgina for a small portion of the drive.  In theory, that portion of the drive should take an hour total.  It took closer to 3 due to congestion.  I ended up loosing 2 hours in that state, thus turning an 8 hour drive into a 10 hour drive.  Plus, I still had to drive through West Virgina after Virgina, which was nothing to look forward to.  Because I think we all know that nothing good comes from West Virgina.  I was pissed to say the least.  So I did what anyone else would do in my situation. I called my fiance to whine. 

me: Oh my god, Virgina you suck!  Honey, could you do me a favor and see if you can find anything online as to what the hold up is?  I mean, I know you can't do anything about it, but still.
mike: Sure. --sounds of typing and traffic sleuthing-- Looks like there's congestion miles 42-46 and 56ish.  Though it doesn't list any particular reason.  It does say traffic will clear up around 4:15, and that's soonish.
me: --whine!-- Oh goody for me, what that doesn't give me is those 2 hours back I lost.  This sucks!--insert string of whiny girl noises and phrases here--. Sigh.  I'm just bitching to bitch now honey, I'm sorry. I'm just, well, you know.
mike: I know. In theory you should be going faster in about 10 minutes though.
me: --snort-- Yeah, in theory.  Thanks for checking for me though.
mike: You're welcome. Drive safe.

We hang up the phone, traffic clears up in roughly 10 minutes after I drive through a tunnel, with no delay reason in site.  I am finally, finally, out of that state and now have West Virgina and 6 more hours to go.  Eventually I stopped to get gas and take a small break about an hour of driving at a reasonable highway speed.  I pull out my phone to send my girlfriends my new eta, and I have this text message from Mike:

mike: Amy Winehouse died. No cause of death yet but I'm sure the toxicology report will turn up something.
me: I LOVE that you knew to tell me that.

Yeah. He knows what's important. Best fiance ever.

Self Esteem

I've been keeping word document of jobs I have applied to and the date that I applied on for my own personal book keeping. Single spaced, size 11 font, remove space between paragraphs (which by the way, is a feature of microsoft office 10 that I hate and think is stupid, because it's visually stupid and and excessive. And, fyi: that extra space between paragraphs is not going to make your 3 page paper miraculously turn into the 5 page paper you need) list that is roughly half of a page full. I strike out the listing when I get the thanks but no thanks email. About 70% of the positions have a strike out through them, and the only reason I haven't struck out the rest of the positions is because I will cry.

I received another thank you for your interest/application but you have not been considered for the position email yesterday. And while I do appreciate the courtesy, it still stings. At least I got some sort of acknowledgement though. I discovered I wasn't considered for other jobs by either checking my application status, seeing the position re-posted, or seeing that the position has been filled and/or interviews were being held right now! (yes, that's so exciting for them. The rest of us not in the running are so happy.)

I knew this wouldn't be an easy process, and I knew it would take time. It would be a reality check to say the least. (It also doesn't help when your mom tells you "you always get jobs so easy!" and gives you a false sense of accomplishment.) But what I didn't expect was how quickly I would get demoralized and how much it would impact my self esteem and all other aspects of my life.

Such as: studying for the gre. I keep making excuses as to why I'm not studying, but the truth is I hate how studying makes me feel stupid. And when I don't score well on practice test, it just proves to me that I'm not smart enough to get into grad school.

My running. I'm pushing myself too hard at the gym and I know it. But I keep going to more and more fitness classes and pushing myself to the point of nausea because I feel like it's the only thing I have control over. I was at a 10 minute mile, and I'm roughly at a 9:15 mile now. But I need to be at a 9:00 minute mile to break 2 hours on my next half. So since I'm not there, I feel like I'm not doing anything

The dogs...as sweet as they are, try my patience every day. I get frustrated with Bailey more often, yet anything that anyone says remotely negative or concerning I automatically go on the defense. I'm on the defense a lot.

My face is breaking out horribly, which makes me really self conscious. I'm dealing with acne at twenty-fcking-eight, which is bull sht. So even if I was to get some sort of interview, I'm worried about how my skin will make me appear.

I'm so lonely. I don't know anyone here except dr soc, and it's hard for my people who have lives to have time to visit. And as for meeting people, well, see the vicious cycle known as not having a job to provide me human contacts, and lack of funds to do anything with the human contacts I don't have.

Math Is My Strong Subject

Seriously, math has always been something I'm good at. Yeah my skills get rusty if they don't get used on a constant basis, but all I typically need is a quick refresher course and I'm good. I whipped college algebra's ass and was able to test into calculus without taking pre-calc. Though pre-calc may have been helpful because that's where they teach you trigonometry so I struggled with that in my calculus class at UK. Math wise I was OK, just a little behind, but legally I was in trouble because the only thing that stopped me from stabbing my classmates was that I didn't want to ruin one of my better pens. (And it turns out I could take Stats 200 instead of calculus for my sociology degree, where I did not want to stab anyone in that class and I got a B in. So, win!)

Anyway, this is actually a dog post and not a math post.

Bailey is 1 dog. Jules is 1 dog. And 1 + 1 = 2. So I have 2 dogs. This works in theory, yes. But in reality, 1 Bailey + 1 Jules = 70 lbs of spaztastic chaos, and roughly 116 lbs (I've lost weight!) of pet mommy exhaustion and frustration.

It's honestly getting to the point where I'm starting to not like walking them. Bailey is a dog that needs a walk every single day. And we're not talking a once around the block kind of walk with her. She needs good half hour at least to have any kind of impact on her energy level. She won't burn off enough energy otherwise. And high strung dog is a destructive and nerve shooting dog. Jules is smaller so she can run around the house and be ok energy wise, but walks are good for her too. I can handle Bailey just fine. I can handle Jules just fine. So, for efficiency's sake, I walk them together. Bailey and I alone walk well together. But Jules and I do not. And me, Bailey, and Jules most certainly do not walk well together.

They have different type leashes first off. Bailey is walked in a no pull chest harness and a 6 foot nylon leash I've had since her puppy days. Jules walks in a chest harness and an extend-able leash. I typically lock Jules' leash to the same length as Bailey's so as to not have a pack leader. But there are still problems on our walks.

Such as Jules pulls. Which isn't a problem in theory because she's 20 lbs and I am lots heavier than her. But since I carry both but different leashes in the same hand to keep the other one free, because trust me, I need that free hand, the leashes get twisted a lot and the girls play bumper dogs. Bailey gets distracted easy (just like her mom) and veers off disrupting/cutting off Jules. When Jules pulls I snap on the leashes as a controlling method, but Bailey's gets snapped too when she hasn't exactly done anything wrong.

But the biggest problem is when we see another dog and/or kids. Jules starts digging in pulling because she wants to meet someone, but Bailey I shorten her leash and pull her closer to me because she doesn't have the gentlest hello. And Bailey has been known to lunge, like most dogs do, but usually in excitement in meeting someone new (or a cat) Sometimes, I'm able to keep Bailey close with only a few head turns from her while Jules pulls with all her might, but we keep going without incident. But in other case scenarios, when Bailey does get riled up, she often flails about without being conscious of her surroundings, ie, Jules. And if Bailey flails into Jules, Jules gets upset and starts sh*t with Bailey. So then I'm contending with two riled up dogs who are creating mayhem. I have to somehow separate them so they don't harm themselves, each other, me and whatever lured them over, and I need to pull them away as fast as I can from whatever got them riled up in the first place. Add to that a poop bag or two (tightly knotted) swinging around like a bio hazard, and you have our afternoon walk.

I don't mind that I have to walk the dogs, it's just one of the responsibilities of being a dog owner. But that 1.2 miles can be exhausting when it's just us girls. The walks are a lot easier when I have help, but dr soc doesn't have the time most afternoons/evenings to take a walk around the neighborhood. Plus, he's never walked Bailey by himself, let alone both of them. I don't want to have to resort to walking them separately because I don't think my body can handle that in addition to my running schedule. (I've been pushing myself hard, and my body is starting to let me know it does need that rest day.) But I'm tired of this. And I'm sick of every dog training website telling me Bailey's behavior is my fault. But I'm mostly baffled at how 1 dog + 1 dog does not = 2 dogs.

Cookie Monster

I've never had to be one that watches my weight. I pretty much keep track of it just to know it. Yes, yes, I am aware of the evil glares I am receiving. Well, this Christmas, it seems to be that I am on a no cookie diet. Not because I'm worried about the extra pounds or in order to fit in my new years eve dress. I'm on a no cookie diet because my dad eats every single thing in the house, such as (especially) snack foods, entire bags of candy and every single Christmas cookie so that I don't get to have any.

This is mainly due to his dementia. He becomes fixated on something, like reading a book, fox news or anything food, and he has to finish it somehow. So he'll read 100 pages in a book, watch fox news for hours* or finish whatever food is out. Some examples would be all 4 servings of a family size ravioli for lunch one day. Six single serving applesauces in an hour. A bag of M&M's in a day. Three-quarters of a a family size bag of animal crackers in 4 hours. A half gallon of iced tea every afternoon. Eight carrot sticks in addition to soup and sandwich at lunch. A cookie sheet of rocky-road bark (homemade candy). Sixteen candy cane cookies in 4 hours. And today every last gingerbread cookie I had made in 20 minutes after lunch.

I made over 6 dozen gingerbread cookies. We (mom and I) froze at least 4 dozen of them to save them for ourselves and as possible oh-sh*t-you-got-me-something-so-here's-something-homemade-for-you-gifts (but mostly for eating ourselves). I took the box out today to give some to dr soc for his Christmas in Charlotte (he was here for graduation-squee!), and left the box out to thaw so I could have some later tonight. I didn't hide the cookies, dad took them when I wasn't in the kitchen, and now I have no gingerbread.

I like to bake and I don't mind making Christmas cookies. But I make them so me and other people can have them too god dammit!

*I do not approve of the fox news thing whatsoever and raise quite the fuss when it's on. However, we have taken away his driving* and nag him about everything else, we figure we can let him have his fake news source.
* He drove yesterday and I had a panic attack when I discovered he was gone. We have since hidden his car keys and refuse to let him know where they are.

Mommy Issues

You know who should listen to me but doesn't? My mom.
You know who doesn't listen to me and then is surprised when bad things happen? My mom.

On Bailey's walks, I now bring a bag of treats with me to use as a distraction and reward system. We've been having some good and uneventful walks together and I'm enjoying my time with my dog. But the walks take a little more time and coordination now. And because of this, I have stated that my dad is not allowed to walk Bailey at all since he cannot control her. Even though she has a new harness that deters lunging, I don't trust his coordination, her behavior and the two of those things together. He can accompany me or my mom on walks, but he is never to walk her by himself, and as far as holding her leash, that is no as well.

My mom lets him hold the leash. Because it requires less coordination than holding and dispensing the treats. But he still can't control her, and that is the problem. And this was proved when Bailey lunged in greeting another neighbor. While Bailey didn't get anywhere close to the neighbor and it wasn't the hateful one who's out to get my dog, it's a risk we can't have.

My mom called him and apologized. Fortunately, this neighbor wasn't bothered and has told us not to worry about it, so big sigh of relief. But OH. MY. GOD. The woman will not listen to me! I have told her to use the gentle leader when they take her out. Bailey hasn't worn that thing in months. I have told her to not let dad walk Bailey, and then she's surprised when Bailey jumps. There was the running issue a few weeks ago. I had to be the grown up in dealing with my dad's diagnosis. And she talks over me when she's too busy killing a joke instead of listening to whatever I have to say.

And while things with the dog are at an uneasy standstill for the moment, I'm just having a flash of the future and her not listening to me and dr soc when it comes to our kids. I'm more than ok with the kids having fun at grandma's house, cause that what you do there. But what if she ignores something important? And what happens if this frustration keeps building? Could it get to the point where we reach an impasse? I don't want it to have that kind of relationship with my mom.

It has to be hard for a parent to view and listen to their children as adults. But if she could just listen to me on the important stuff, maybe I wouldn't feel so strained.

I just wanted a dog

I just wanted a dog. I'd never had one before but I wanted one as an adult. A dog who I could walk and play with, who would protect me if I needed it and would be my companion. I wanted to take care of something and it would love me in return for it. So we got Bailey and I had what I wanted. I expected to have to deal with some accidents during the house breaking, her eating a few things she shouldn't and some frustration, but normal puppy stuff.

I did not expect to have to make the try-to-save or euthanize choice within the first week of being a pet owner. I did not expect to make that choice again 9 months later when knee gate occurred. I didn't expect to sink $2000 into her (now bionic due to the $2000) knees. I certainly didn't expect to leave my fiance and leave the dog with him after all that. I didn't expect (though I wasn't surprised) to have to find a new home for her when he couldn't take care of her. And I didn't expect my dad and mom to cave and let me have Bailey even though I pleaded, begged and cried for 5 days strait as I was trying to find a new home for her. So then I got Bailey for real again and then I had what I wanted.

So after all that, I'm a little lax and forgiving when it comes to Bailey. Because I'm just grateful that she's A: alive and B: all mine. But dr soc isn't as lax a pet owner as me and Bailey makes him nervous. And even though our dogs like each other, he's always going to be worried about Bailey and her behavior. So I'm in this awful place of feeling that one day I may have to choose between him and my dog. He makes me happy and with him I can have everything I've ever wanted. Bailey makes me happy because I've fought tooth and nail for her and she loves me unconditionally.

::whimper::. I just wanted a dog.

Bla Bla Bla

So I get that when you a person who talks a lot, that not everyone listens to you at all times (not even your boyfriend, though he makes a valiant effort). But to not listen to me all the time just pisses me off. Like my mom does. I'm not even going to get into the not listening thing with my dog issue right now. I'm frustrated at her for a running issue.

After I jumped on the long distance running bandwagon with my sister's encouragement, my mom did too. So she's all proud of herself and running and decided maybe she'll want to do a half marathon like both her girls have done.

First, it takes her months of maybe-I-will-maybe-I-wont talk just to idea of running the thing in the first place. And then another few months to commit to sign up and pay for the damn thing after my sister and I told her to put her money where her mouth is just do it already. My sister promises to run the race every step of the way with her and finally mom dilly dallies int a decision to go for it. And I'm a little jealous because I wanted to do a race this fall too, but I know I wouldn't have the time to train for it this semester.

So now she's training and all is well, and race day is this Saturday. Both my sister and I tell her (repeatedly) to not run more than 10 miles for her longest run and to taper off the week before the race. Because that's what we've both done and we've completed 8 (I think) half marathons between us. So mom decides to not listen and runs 11 miles on Sunday and twists her ankle. So race day was not looking like a possibility right then. However, Mom saw a sport doctor on Wednesday. And they said she wouldn't do any more damage to the injury and it was ok to run on Saturday. So race day is still on!

And now, mom's thinking about not doing the race. WTF, I am ready to scream at her. She got the injury by being bullheaded and not listening to both my sister and I. You know, runners. (so we're not pros. We're still f*cking runners) And then, a SPORT DOCTOR tells her it's ok to run and she gets all trepidations about it. You know, someone who went to med school and specializes is this stuff and who is a professional. Their advice isn't good either!

I had to rearrange my work schedule to see her run this. I have to study this weekend after her race in addition to watching my dad the entire time. I had to find a dog sitter (thanks Laura btw!). My sister bought her plane ticket and just finished her 5th marathon last Sunday (yay Amy btw!). Frankly I think she's just being a sissy. But by telling her to suck it up I look like the ass hole.