Voter fraud

Three weeks plus post doomsday the election the governorship of North Carolina has yet to be decided. Because not only is the loser incumbent governor refusing to concede, he's stalling like hell challenging the validity of all the votes before even officially requesting the recount. And the validity of the votes is in question because you know, all the voter fraud. ←Insert eye roll here.

I mean really. First, let me tell you how easy it was to vote early in NC. Since I'm registered to vote I went to whatever county voting location I wanted and told a complete stranger poll worker my name, verified my address and was given a ballot. That was it. But if I hadn't been registered to vote I would  have to do an extra step of registering and voting the same day.  Seriously.*

*as an aside I don't understand how anyone doesn't vote with easy access like that. Yet half of the population eligible to vote doesn't (PS: cork it if you didn't, you have no right to complain).

So let's hint to the possibility of fraud, not enough to have to prove anything but enough to stall, because you don't have to show any proof of who you are. Because by insisting you don't have to show ID (I was told several times to put mine away) means the state is not completely laced with bigotry the "surgical precision" gerrymandering and HB2 makes us out to be. All because the white lady with her baby wasn't offended by being asked to show ID.

And now to add insult to injury to this horrible, terrible, no good, rotten election season, the aforementioned bigotry laced tactics means NC has to redraw the lines again, and then have a special election in those new districts in 2017 and go through all of this again. ← Insert face palm here.

Old Wives Tales

Want to know what Little Turkey is? We do too! But until baby make's it's big debut, we're just going to have to rely on the old wives tales I've been collecting (from the internets, coworkers, and completely random strangers all have opinions) and speculate. So:

1. Sleep position: Sleep on my right side = girl, Sleep on my left side = boy
• I try to sleep on both sides, but I usually start and wake up on my right. Girl
2. Nausea: Sick as a dog = girl. Happy no nausea preggo? (those b*tches!)? = boy
• Ugh, the 1st trimester overall nausea, dinnertime puking, random breakfast second trimester puking, and now the occasional wave of 3rd trimester nausea. Girl
3. Soft or dry hands: soft = girl, dry = boy
• I have both. Dry after washing my hands (which I do after going to the bathroom every half hour. So a lot), but then soft since I moisturize right after (which also happens about every half hour as well). Neutral
4. Food cravings: sweet cravings and citrus = girl. Salty cravings = boy 
• Oh the sweet tooth! The baby does a little happy dance when I indulge (I bought a billion bags of Halloween candy (I had coupons! $2 off 3, you bet your ass I did!)) And I have a glass of orange juice in the morning which is new. But then again, I love pickles on my hamburger and I typically only like a bite of pickle every 3 months or so. And I've selected  salty treats here and there too. But the sweet tooth is the overall ruler. Girl
5. Girls steel your beauty, boys enhance 
• Zits, oh the zits. My normally beautiful, soft, smooth, unblemished skin that is the envy of many is breaking out like crazy (3 zits at one time?!). Solidly girl  
6. Graceful swan= girl. Clumsy = boy
• I'm already a little clumsy, but now I knock myself into everything. I fall over in yoga. And my tummy bumps and gets in the way all the time. And why is getting up so difficult?  Boy
7. A fuller full face = girl. Normal face = boy
• normal face Boy
8. Moody? = girl. Even keel = boy
• People need to stop being so incredibly stupid if they don't want to irritate me. Some idiots can't even breath without showing their ineptitude at life. Which, no. I've been throwing some serious shade (refer back to number 2 if you need further clarification). I spit nails the other night because I couldn't access a silver alert and possibly help someone. My grouchy levels are high and my bullshit tolerance is non-existent. And the feels! Why is anything that is supposed to illicit the feels have so. many. feels?! WHY? So..uh yeah, girl. 
9. How I carry the belly: high = girl, low = boy
• No idea. I have a longer torso and my belly is right in the middle. Neutral 
10. How I carry the belly "sports" edition: cute round basketball shape belly = boy. Not as cute wider pointier football shape belly = girl 
• Adorable basketball belly. Boy
11. Weight gain in the front = boy, weight gain that spread out = girl 
• Considering people figured out I was pregnant before I told them because my ass getting wider, we'll give that one to the girl. 
12. Conception age and the year are both even or odd = girl. An even/odd combination = boy
• I became pregnant at 32 in the year 2015. So even/odd combo is a boy.
13. Internet Chinese gender prediction: enter your age and month you conceived baby and hit the predict button (I don't know the maths/reasoning behind these calculations) They just gave me 
• boy 
14. Heartbeat: 140+ = girl 140- + boy
• All heartbeat readings have been 140+ girl
15. Mommy's dreams: whatever you dream you're having, opposite is what comes out.
• Around 20 weeks I dreamed we were having a girl. Boy  
16. Tie husband's wedding ring to a string and dangle over my tummy. If it spins in a circle = girl. Spin back and forth = boy (This one is the most accurate because we tested this one over my friend's tummy who is also pregnant and we know she's having a girl, and her spin was a definite circle) 
• Back and forth, 2 of 3 times: Boy 

So in the girl column we have: 7
And in the boy column we have: 7
Neutral : 2

So...happy speculating!

Take Me Away

I wish I got to go on more weekend getaways. Really just more vacations in general.  It sounds easy enough to pack a bag and drive to a new destination a couple hours away.  Not to mention we live within a couple hours of the beach and the mountains, so there's a decent amount of destinations in our radius.

But unfortunately it's not that simple or that cheap for us.  First we have to find someone to watch the dogs. My work schedule when I worked retail was all over the place so planning some time off is a process.  And there's the financial aspect of it. While the groupon getaways* themselves are fairly reasonable and we've had good luck with the two we've used, there are other costs that add up. The gas to get there, eating out, any activities we do, the dog sitter/boarding, all of that adds up. The wedding and honeymoon are over (and paid for), but we just put several hundred (several, several hundred) dollars into my car to fix it, and I need a crown (and not the pretty sparkly kind princesses wear either) in a month which, *cries*.  And extra income is being allocated into accounts for school,** paying off my credit card, and rebuilding dinocroc's braces fund*** (savings), not vacay.

We just took our honeymoon which was great and much needed. But there probably won't be many more instances like where we can both take time off like that.  Or really any time off for that matter.  Now with me being in school full time and working 3/4 time between 2 part-time jobs (and no benefits!), my schedule is packed.**** Hopefully by the time I receive my masters I'll have a full time job (with benefits), which would definitely alleviate a lot of the school/work balancing stress, but that's also around the time to start family planning (and balancing in a whole different sort of way).  And then there's the part that once we have kids, we'll need to find a baby/pet sitter,* or take a family vacation.  Which don't get me wrong, I'm really looking forward to those because they'll be fun and great in their own way. But they certainly aren't quite as romantic as couple vacation.

But oh well, that's life. It's not the end of the world that I don't get to go on vacation. I just wish I had a few more of them or weekend getaways under my belt. That's all.

*I had to unsubscribe from the groupon getaways since it was making me sad seeing all the possibilities and knowing they're a no go. Great for the honeymoon deal. Not so good for everyday.
**we're trying to do grad school on no or minuscule amount of loans. And while I hope to be in school for only 2 years so it's not a huge strain financially, but it's a stressful way to go through school feeling like you're just an expense.
***fingers crossed they get my eyesight and my teeth since I didn't need braces.  And yeah my eyesight isn't great but Mike's is worse, so mine is definitely the lesser of two evils.
****I'm not in the plan my days in half hour increments mode yet, but it's around the corner.
* We're always going to have to find some sort of pet sitter anyway though since we definitely plan on having a family dog. But it still won't be a puppy.

Something Worth Praying For

Part of what annoys me about Tebow is that constant praying.  I'm not bashing his faith, but praying to win a football game is such a trivial matter.  Like throwing yet another erratic pass is going to help the world.   

I'm not really one for praying these days. I've never had a very strong faith base and religion hasn't ever been a huge guide post for me. And to be completely honest, I lost a lot of the little faith that I had when my dad was officially diagnosed. 

Dementia is the most heartbreaking thing.  Everything about it is just so hard.  Slowly loosing someone over time, putting you in a revolving, yet never ending stage of grief.  The helplessness of knowing you can't do anything.  There are drugs out there that slow down the disease, and those are wonderful.  But there's still nothing out there that can repair the damage or that would cure it.

Until soonish.  Because this super pill could be a real possibility. Something that would fix memories and heal brains.  Something to hope for, in a disease that has no hope. This pill, if possible, is worth praying for.

Calender daze

Hold up, it's December? Where did 2011 go?

Maybe between the moving to North Carolina, exploring a new city, applying for grad school, getting a part time job, getting a dining room table, running my fifth half marathon, finishing my first full marathon, hosting thanksgiving, getting engaged,planning the wedding and registering, I must have missed a few dates here and there on the calender.  

Sheesh! If things keep going at this rate, the next thing you know it'll be time for Mike to retire!

Paper

I? Am seriously going nuts waiting to hear about my admission status from grad school. My nerves are litteraly shot to hell just waiting.
Yeah I knew I would have to wait and I have to be patient.  And school starts in just over a month.  But what really sent me over the edge into crazy-wait was when I received an email from financial aid saying I needed to update something.  I had sent in my fafsa the day before in a move to be prudent (though I really didn't want to because I'm terrified I jinxed something by doing so).  I can check my financial status by using my university id which they gave me in the email, and then find out my pin once I logged in with my university id. 

An university id! You shouldn't get one of those if you're not a student, right?  RIGHT???  I log on, get my pin, and then proceed to clink link after link to become even more confused and a babbling mess about my status.  Because while I can be found in the university directory, when I tried to see what classes were available to me, I was told in bold print I am not listed as a student for any terms. Wha? On top of that, a few days before the financial aid email, I received the graduate school newsletter in the mail.  who do they send that to?  The graduate students? Anyone who applied?  Way to tease.  

And as crazy as I'm going, (just ask mike, I'm a bundle of anxiety) I'm too terrified to call the admissions office to find out my status.  I can't handle them telling me no.  I can't handle hearing you aren't good enough. Because I have heard it before, and it traumatized me. I got stuck spinning my wheels for 3 years because I didn't get a piece of paper.  And now another piece of paper seems to be the key in deciding my fate.

I really hope that I'm completely over reacting and that it's my impatience getting the best of me.   That really is the best case senario that I'm working myself into a tizzy for nothing. I'll apply again if I have to, and I'm poking around of another (accredited) program North Carolina.  All I need is that piece of paper.  But I'm still anxious as hell all the same.

How it feels

The knot sends me promotional emails which I normally glance at, say don't drink the kool-aid and delete.  But this was a registry thing at a store I wanted to register at... So, I drank the kool-aid. But not too much.  It was SO. MUCH. FUN. 
Sometimes it's hard to not compare things about this wedding planning and the last wedding planning I did.  But not in a tit for tat sort of way.  It's more of a glance back and marvel at how wonderful this has been this time. Just how much I'm looking forward to everything with him. 

The other wedding....well, I was never this excited about it.  I had moments where I would be all yay! after I did something, Like after I booked the church, but that feeling would quickly fade.  And even though I had the date, the venues, and even a dress, something still just felt off.  I didn't google search 14 different paper vendors to find the best price for invites like I did this time.  I didn't rack my brain for the perfect bridal party gifts.  I didn't realistically think about how many place settings to ask for because I didn't realistically think about hosting the big extended family gatherings. (btw, we now need a table that will extend to seat 10-12)  I never got this far and detailed into the wedding planning before.  Not because I didn't have the time to do so.  I just didn't feel it.

So as Mike and I are traipsing down the aisles of Crate and Barrel (ok, I'm traipsing, and Mike is following and scanning whatever I hold out to him) debating the merits of a lipped or non lipped dinner plate (we went lipped. And asked for 12), I thought to myself: this is how it feels.  This is how it's supposed to feel to be engaged.  Hopeful. Excited. Deliriously happy.  And right.  It just feels right.  It's a pretty wonderful place to be.   

What if...

What if things work with dr soc? Really work, like happily ever after work? Awesome right? He does and says all the right things. He makes me laugh. We're both falling in love with each other (Oh lets just admit that I am, I just haven't said anything yet for fear of not hearing it back), we have the same mindset on a lot of things, and it's like we have the same future picture painted in our heads. Sometimes I wonder holy crap, could this be any more aligned?

However, he isn't in his dream job (to say the least), and he wants to be in in a different field. Which I support because I see how frustrated he is currently and it sucks. And I want him to be happy and content with his position. So he's looking around like everyone else in the country is looking. (I'm poking around for full time positions as well because school won't last forever and I need some sort of income.) But his new position wherever and whenever it ends up being is going to relocate him.

So where do I stand in that? Do I even get one and if so when? Even though we're a couple, we're not a joined entity. He knows he could do a switch nowish because he doesn't have the family obligation or solid ties to Lexington. But I do. I'm not saying I'll never leave here, but I'm also not ready to think about the possibility of leaving either.

There are so many "what ifs" right now. I know I should be having this conversation with him and not the blogosphere. But it's too soon for that. Where's he going to go? Am I a factor in this choice? What if he asks me to go with him? Can I move again for another guy? What if he doesn't ask me? How bad would that heartache be? So many what ifs. Breaking my engagement completely changed my outlook on things. All things. And I can't help but wonder about that "if" and how big an impact things will or will not have.

I have the possibility of my dreams coming true. I've also got the possibility of getting my heart broken again. I can't rush either, no mater the outcome. (though if it's the latter, I would like it to happen sooner rather than later in order to heal sooner) But patience has never been my strong suit, so I start wondering what if and every possible situation to go along with it. And there's really not enough room in my head all of this.

Rules

Conversation between 2 friends
Friend 1: Oh, the dating world......people ONLY go out on weekday dates here. Weekend dates are only for couples. NEVER for first dates. Too many rules. I hate dating.
Friend 2: Dating does have too many rules!

I had my 1st and 2nd date w/dr soc on weeknights, which is what spurred the above conversation. When I told my girlfriends about the 1st date (of course I did. I was excited, there was an emoticon involved), friend 2 had a problem with it being a weeknight date. Aren't I weekend worthy? (of course yes, but well, it's a first date)

But friend 2 is married and well, not hip to the dating rules. So friend 1 had to explain some of the single world to her. But there's one thing we all agreed on: dating does have way too many rules. And honestly, none of us, single or married, really understand them either.

I certainly don't. Proper time frames, what to wear, if and when to put out, what you can and cannot ask/say/do depending on what number/type of date you are on... The list is extensive, exhaustive and just plain ruley. Being a compulsive rule follower that I am, of course I obey. I may not understand all of them, but I still play by them anyway.

Well....

I was musing into my empty wine glass reflecting on the last year, comparing myself to where I was a year ago. December was a really bad month last year. Really, really really bad. I was bitterly lonely, I hadn't started school, and I didn't like my hospital job becasue I was so isolated. In addition to trying to find the dog a new home, my wedding gown arrived and my mom wanted to rehash every single detail of my sister's wedding. I was arguing with my ex via email about the dog, her vet bills, the cell plan in a-let's-twist-the-knife-deeper-shall-we manner. I was miserable to say the least.

Well, I'm definitely some steps up this December. I'm still hankering for a boyfriend, but I'm not as lonely. I did really bad in school this semester, which sucked, but I think I can turn it around in the spring. My wedding gown is in the closet and I haven't looked at save the one moment of weakness when it was first brought home. But I got to keep my dog (!), I like my library job, and I can look at my sister's wedding pictures and smile, instead of jealousy ripping through me like a serrated knife. I haven't had an email from the ex in months and if I never talk to him again that suits me just fine.

It's just... I left him to be a better me essentially, but I don't feel as if I've bettered much. Some, but not by leaps and bounds and flying colors. And there's a thin film of hurt still that he loved the possibility of heavy metal band more than a future with me.

It broke my heart to leave and to be where I was last year. I don't love him, and definitely not in the same would give your life for him love that I felt before. But I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I don't exactly want anything good to happen to him either, but hey, I'm still bitter.

Because honestly, how happy can you want someone to be when they broke your heart? Maybe that means not enought time has passed. Or maybe that means letting go compleatly and growing up.

Love Me Please

I want to be loved again. Not in the family or friends way, because I have that and it never went away. And it's wonderful and I know how extremely lucky that is. But I want to be loved in a romantic way again. From someone that I love back and want to marry.

I know my ex loved me. I believe he wanted to marry me and to spend the rest of our lives together. But we wanted different lives and I left because it his love wasn't enough. And while I can't give a list of what is and what will make me happy, I know what I had wasn't right.

Honestly, I know we were not very compatible. People really didn't get why we were even together. His friends thought he lucked out, while my friends weren't super impressed to say the least. And even though I was constantly trying to tweak things and break what I deemed as bad habits, when it comes down to it, I loved him too. Faults and all, I loved him. And I wanted to marry him too.

But woe is me, no one's ring shopping and planning how to spend our forever. And I don't have have anyone serious on my wish list either. And so while my heart is mended and I love my people, part of it still feels empty.

Replacement

I don't like my exs' new girlfriends. Anyone else? Even though he's an ex, and there's no going back, I still don't like the new ones. Well, not all of them, but the fiance's in particular. It doesn't matter who she is, what she is or when she happened. She may be the gutteriest of the gutter sluts, queen of the groupies or perfect McPerfectison. It doesn't matter how terrible or how awesome she is. Because the only thing I'll ever see her as, is my replacement. And I just hate the idea of her.

Its not that I don't want him to be happy ever again, I just don't want him to be happy before me. I don't know what he would think of my life now, or if he even thinks of me. Obviously, by talking about it, I'm still thinking about it. Not in a did I make the right choice way, but still, just thinking. And while he's not a pressing concern of my life anymore, I still want to be a concern of his. I know that's selfish and unreasonable. Logically I know he's moved on, just like I'm doing. But there's still this stupid little twinge I feel, that I need to know I meant something. And when I'm replaced, she just... smudges me out.

I know everyone has said "s/he'll never do better then me" to sooth their breakup wounds. But don't you wish that was true? Don't you wish you really were the best that a person was ever was going to get and that they know it?

(You're probably wondering where the hell this thought process came from. I dreamed he had a baby and the Norman Rockwell style life I wanted for us with someone else. I woke up miserable. So not the greatest way to start my day)

Mystery Man

There's a guy in my chemistry class that I've noticed, and I can't decide if I like him or not. I don't know his name, how old he is or even if he's a nice person. I don't know any of that stuff. But I know he runs and he seems smart. And from what I've heard by eavesdropping (oh, like you've never done it), he's a little older than the average college student (how much I don't know) and he has a dry sense of humor. He also sounds like a borderline-know-it-all-jack-ass at times too, but I really can't tell.

He's got a strong jaw and I've noticed his eyes. From my quick scans, I can see he's only a few inches taller than me, so clearly, too short. But he has the swagger of a guy with confidence, the kind of confidence that only comes from age and experience. But as I've just mentioned, he seems like a borderline jack ass. I have a feeling that if I did ever talk to him, I wouldn't like him. Something about him seems off to me, I'm not really sure how to explain it. I don't even feel like I want to be friends with this guy.

And yet, I find myself inexplicably noticing him and looking at the back of his neck every class. And talking about him here. So what is it that is slightly drawing me to this guy? What is making me want to learn his name? Why does he stand out a bit from the other 140 or so people in my class? Why is he mystery dude? And I'm intrigued by being intrigued.

But honestly, after the final, I will probably never see this nameless, too short might be a jack ass guy again. So this is a moot point really. And now, I don't think I ever want to know his name. That way he can remain nameless might be a jackass guy from my chemistry class. Hmm, long title for a guy I don't want to know about.

High Road Be Dammed

Good news is that default crush put out! Bad news, I told him I liked him and may have killed the friendship.

So now I can't stop thinking about him (even more than before), and he's probably trying to figure out how to tell me acting on our physical attraction was a bad idea w/out hurting me. At least I hope he's trying not to hurt me. If he's thinking of me at all that is.

But when you invite someone to your place for a drink, talk and laugh for hours, admit you've shamelessly checked each other out, the tension has been building for months, not to mention you're both hard up and a bottle and a half of wine has been consumed (3/4 of a bottle is in my bloodstream alone), well, what do you think is going to happen?

I'm pretty sure I instigated, but it's not like he resisted. At all. He may have pulled me closer for all I know. At one point he did say he wanted to take the high road and stopped. Which bummed me out, but I drunkenly understood. And then a few hours later, he's kissing me frantically and the high road was long forgotten.

So now I'm left with the questions: what's going on in his mind? Does he not remember? Does he think I don't remember? Is he happy or regretful that it happened? Is he wary of hurting me or does he want more? And am I making this more complicated then it needs to be?

I've assumed worst case scenario, that he thinks it was a huge mistake and we awkwardly avoid each other from now on. And I'm a big girl, if that's what he thinks, then I accept it and say his loss. But I was hoping for that cliche friendship turns into a passionate love affair maybe could last thing again. Would have brightened things a bit.

A$$ Tax

Ass tax is the stuff that's left over from your previous relationships. It's the pj pants you refused to give up, the free weights he left on your floor, the book he lent you, the earrings you forgot on his nightstand, ect. And you're either a: too hurt to get them back, b: don't care/forgot about the stuff, or c) a combination of the two.

I don't think I've collected a lot of ass tax myself, nor have I left that many things behind. I may have a tshirt or two and a pair of sweat pants from boyfriends past. And I'm sure I've left trinket jewelry and beauty products along the way. For most of the ex's stuff that got mixed with mine, I threw away or donated (most of his stuff was crap anyway). There were a few that's-mine-no-it's-not-squabbles, but the splitting of stuff could have gone a lot worse. He did try and accuse me of taking a ton of his kitchen stuff. And I snorted back with a "what, a rusty cookie sheet? You can have that back."

Anyway, I think my arm band for my iPod has fallen the by the way of ass tax. I went hunting for it the other day, but I'm pretty sure I unpacked the box it would have been in if I had it. And boo to that, because I have one of the first nano's, so they don't make my particular iPod anymore or it's accessories. So I can't really go out and but a new one either. And it's a little late to be asking him if he's seen it. Besides, I thought it was fairly obvious that whatever left behind or accidentaly taken was as good as gone.

The only exception was the dog. Her I got back ::smile::

Tread Carefully

I may have spoken a bit too soon about the possibility of falling for library guy. Not that I don't like him, because I do. I like him a lot. But we haven't been able to see each other much as of late, and it's bumming me out. It's just the timing isn't there right now, and that's not a good thing only a month or two into something.

Plus there's the are we dating or just f*ck buddies question. Because it was towards the latter when we could see each other. And that part is great and all, but is that all we have? If you're going to fool around with someone, you should be emotionally mature enough to handle it (what is this? sex-ed 101?). But is it more mature to accept it for what it is, or admit I don't like how being a f*ck buddy makes me feel and stop all together? And while right now I'm ok with it just being a physical thing, I won't be for much longer.

So what to do? Oh, maybe I should talk to the guy this actually concerns huh?

Ask me

I don't want my ex back and I don't care if I ever see him again. But there was a time when I did and would have given anything to make us work. If stars had lined up in a different way, and we were different people in general, well, I might be married right now and probably thinking I had made the biggest mistake of my life (note: not getting married in general, getting married to him).
So I know that where I am is the right place to be, and I can't change the past that brought me here. But that doesn't mean I don't wish it had happened differently.

It's that he didn't even try, the nothings. It's his loss and I know that. Maybe he knew we were a lost cause. Or he knew I probably would have made him cry and plead and jump through 14 flaming hoops over shark infested waters just to talk to me, and turned him away regardless. But it would have been nice to have been asked.

Happy Birthday to ME!

This is what I did my birthday last year. I went wedding gown shopping/mocking at david's bridal with my friends (we're a mocking-type crowd. And we like it). And then I bought my real wedding gown on my birthday. And no, none of those in the pictures are the one that's hanging in the closet. (btw, the one w/the red, I totally upstaged the other bride standing right next to me in the exact same dress. I'm pretty sure I looked better than most of the brides there in the same dress they had on (it's david's bridal, you're not getting anything unique there). What? I can rock the 1000 layers of polyester tulle, and that is no small feat (neither were any of the dresses!))

What I'm doing this birthday: Going to class and working. Mom's picking up a pizza for dinner from my favorite place and I get to pick the toppings. So nothing extravagant special. Saturday I'm going to see the new Harry Potter and get ice cream, and I'm considering that my sort of birthday party. So nothing too exciting, but waaay different than last birthday.

But what a year! Not all of 26 sucked though. It started out rough. Really, really rough. I think I cried almost every single day the first 3 months of being 26. But in January, thing started to swing up. I mean, it was cold and hell and I was still quite sad the beginning of the year, but I started school. And got my dog! I ran a half marathon, and I started dating again. I moved on.

So 27, while not a super special age, is off to a low key start so far. And that's pretty good for now.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I Love You

I have told 4.5 guys "I love you" (the .5 is because it was in high school and I asked if he loved me first, so it only partially counts). But I've only meant it twice. I wanted to mean it when I said it. And I also figured I would eventually get there after I said it. It just never did those times. Oops. I don't think it makes me a bad person, but perhaps foolhardy. (bet you're wondering who they were and if you were one of them though now aren't you?)

The first time I was truly in love, I felt like a fairy godmother taped me with her wand and poof, I knew I loved this guy. So when we broke up, I felt that my world had ended. (How I desperately wanted that same fairy godmother to make it all go away-she did not come through, that bitch). The second time I meant it was my fiance. I loved him, even though he wasn't was I imagined for myself. And he loved me, I know that he did in his own way. It just turns out that it wasn't enough. (I knew better than to ask a fairy godmother for help that time. I turned to family, friends and a bottle of Maker's though)

I'm not ready to feel it again because it's has ended so bitterly for me both times. There's nothing to say it will end that way again, and I'm being a coward. And while I'm dating again, it's daunting being back on the playing field. And it's one thing to date, it's another thing to start caring about someone (which is where I think I'm headed). And it's a whole different ballpark to be in love. But I won't say it until I feel it regardless. But I hope that the next time I do fall ass over teakettle (in love), it lasts forever.

Oddly Flattered

A week ago library guy met some of my friends. He received an initial pass (pass/fail) grade from the all-mighty-Priya, but she wants to give him a letter grade soon. I was a little nervous though, not going to lie. But any guy worth his salt needs to be able to fit in with my friends if he's going to be sticking around. He wasn't shy about putting his arm around me nuzzled my neck while we all watched a Disney movie (which I though might scare him off). Hey, it's what we do, we're dorks and proud of it. That's beside the point. I like him a lot and I'm slightly unnerved how attracted he is to me (I'm weird).

Anyway, he meets my friends, and they don't scare him enough to quell his desire to sleep with me. We enjoy some one on one time that night like two people who are attracted to each other do. But shortly after, (when it's way past my bedtime), he asks me to not spend the night.

I'm thinking, umm, I guess it was too soon to meet my friends. He goes on to explain why, he's got a lot of stuff to do the next day, stuff he needs to concentrate on. He needs to rest in order to do so, and apparently I'm impossible to not have sex with. Which, I beg to differ, there are plenty of guys out there who do not want to have sex with me and find it possible to not jump me either. But to him I'm a (curvy) distraction simply by being there, and he wouldn't get any of rest he needs .

And what am I supposed to say? No I need cuddle time so I don't feel like yesterday's tissue? I'm sorry (?) you can't resist me? What? I'm trying to be super confident put together woman, and clingy need cuddle time woman who just wants a guy to like her is definitely not that. What else could I have said other than (um) "sure that's fine" to save face?

The past few times times we've hooked up, it's been a seal the deal and go (to be fair, I went to the last one with no pretences, I was the one taking him to the airport. I even offered to come over early to hook up). I'm flattered (and slightly freaked out) he finds me attractive. I respect that he's working and knows what he needs (or doesn't) to be productive. And he was able to do the things he needed w/out distraction the next day, so mission accomplished. He walked me to my car and said he had a nice time meeting my friends I guess to placate me. But as I drove away that night, I couldn't help but feel used.