Well....

I was musing into my empty wine glass reflecting on the last year, comparing myself to where I was a year ago. December was a really bad month last year. Really, really really bad. I was bitterly lonely, I hadn't started school, and I didn't like my hospital job becasue I was so isolated. In addition to trying to find the dog a new home, my wedding gown arrived and my mom wanted to rehash every single detail of my sister's wedding. I was arguing with my ex via email about the dog, her vet bills, the cell plan in a-let's-twist-the-knife-deeper-shall-we manner. I was miserable to say the least.

Well, I'm definitely some steps up this December. I'm still hankering for a boyfriend, but I'm not as lonely. I did really bad in school this semester, which sucked, but I think I can turn it around in the spring. My wedding gown is in the closet and I haven't looked at save the one moment of weakness when it was first brought home. But I got to keep my dog (!), I like my library job, and I can look at my sister's wedding pictures and smile, instead of jealousy ripping through me like a serrated knife. I haven't had an email from the ex in months and if I never talk to him again that suits me just fine.

It's just... I left him to be a better me essentially, but I don't feel as if I've bettered much. Some, but not by leaps and bounds and flying colors. And there's a thin film of hurt still that he loved the possibility of heavy metal band more than a future with me.

It broke my heart to leave and to be where I was last year. I don't love him, and definitely not in the same would give your life for him love that I felt before. But I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I don't exactly want anything good to happen to him either, but hey, I'm still bitter.

Because honestly, how happy can you want someone to be when they broke your heart? Maybe that means not enought time has passed. Or maybe that means letting go compleatly and growing up.