I Love You

I have told 4.5 guys "I love you" (the .5 is because it was in high school and I asked if he loved me first, so it only partially counts). But I've only meant it twice. I wanted to mean it when I said it. And I also figured I would eventually get there after I said it. It just never did those times. Oops. I don't think it makes me a bad person, but perhaps foolhardy. (bet you're wondering who they were and if you were one of them though now aren't you?)

The first time I was truly in love, I felt like a fairy godmother taped me with her wand and poof, I knew I loved this guy. So when we broke up, I felt that my world had ended. (How I desperately wanted that same fairy godmother to make it all go away-she did not come through, that bitch). The second time I meant it was my fiance. I loved him, even though he wasn't was I imagined for myself. And he loved me, I know that he did in his own way. It just turns out that it wasn't enough. (I knew better than to ask a fairy godmother for help that time. I turned to family, friends and a bottle of Maker's though)

I'm not ready to feel it again because it's has ended so bitterly for me both times. There's nothing to say it will end that way again, and I'm being a coward. And while I'm dating again, it's daunting being back on the playing field. And it's one thing to date, it's another thing to start caring about someone (which is where I think I'm headed). And it's a whole different ballpark to be in love. But I won't say it until I feel it regardless. But I hope that the next time I do fall ass over teakettle (in love), it lasts forever.