The united states of misogyny

We don't need to beat this to death. I don't need CNN, Fox Faux news, NPR or anyone else to mansplain to me why, once again, a petulant convicted felon rapist spewing vitriol, beat the vastly overqualified and educated, this time Black/Asian, female candidate. AGAIN.  

We live in a systemically racist patriarchy. America has always oppressed non-white cis-males. Women, and above all a woman of color have always been expendable. THAT is why. Yes, the economy was a factor, but just like 'not all men' are rapist, jackasses, douche canoes etc, the economy was a portion of the problem, not the overall problem.      

Look, I know Madame President Kamala Harris couldn't have fixed everything for everyone. Big issues take BIG time, but she would have started fixing things. Because women, back women especially, get shit done because they have to. Meanwhile, the orange conman flings shit because no one will tell him no.

So, yeah, I'm scared. I'm angry. And I don't want to be kind to the asshats who voted for him. Once again, any "others" have to justify their existence in a country that has never seen them as equal. When he does exactly what he says he will do, no mater how outlandish, cruel, nonsensical it was, don't be surprised. I swear to god if you clutch your pearls I may choke you with them.   

2020 Ire

November 9 2016 I was scared shit-less at the election results. 

Now? In the wake of RGB's death? FUCKING TERRIFIED.

And I'm FURIOUS I'm even scared in the first place. I am not okay! I am actually on the verge of a panic attack I'm so indescribably upset. This is not good. The world is not okay. We are in an orange bully garbage fire while his shrew cronies pour gasoline. And I will not accept this is the world I'm leaving for my children.     

 

You 2016 trump voters: Fuck you.

And you 2020 voters for him? FUCK YOU.  

If you are ashamed to vote for him but do so anyway: fuck your cowardliness.

If you vote for a 3rd party for whatever reason: fuck your narcissism.

If you don't vote at all: fuck your white male privilege. 

What I'm saying is: If you don't vote for anyone except Biden/Harris: FUCK YOU. 

Yeah. I know who you are. I don't care if you have hurty fweeling the same way you don't care about the ramifications of your vote. Go choke on your conservative fox news bullshit.

Word Fun (but not really)

One of the two mass shooters* in the past 24 hours had the gall to post online their own racist manifesto before his killing spree. As if his diatribe is important. As if he is important.***

***Nope, not even. Fragile f*cking insignificance is more like it.

You know who else had a manifesto? Hitler. And there was a whole world war declaring that nazis are bad and they lost. The WHOLE WORLD.

So I am breaking down the word manifesto. Ahem. man - i - fest - o

• man: young white male
• i: self-important = hubris
• fest: fester
• o: cutesy sanitizing ending

So in conclusion - a "manifesto" is: a white young male's festering hubris. 

Choke on that.

* I. AM. FURIOUS.**
**for so many reasons

1. that this is another mass shooting and it won't be the last.
2. the inaction of thoughts and prayers.
3. the senate doing nothing. 
4. fragile masculinity and the patriarchy continuing to get away with actual murder. 
5. the NRA's propaganda. 
6. fill-in-another-abhorrent-reason here. 

Cruelty

This asshole president is cruelty personified.
And the absolute HORRORS of this administration continue and are escalating.

The "executive order" to stop separating and irreversibly traumatizing families was a policy implemented by king cruelty himself. It just throws the newest traumatized families in jail together and ignores the atrocities already committed.

I cannot think about it without becoming angry. It's infuriating, horrifying and it breaks my heart over and over.  I won't argue with anyone who thinks the execution of the zero-tolerance policy was acceptable and/or the aforementioned executive order deserves a gold star for the crisis of it's own making. I can't make anyone care about another human being, and it's a waste of time and energy to try to do so.   

But I will say this to anyone who defends this current policy, from the bottom of my breaking heart: FUCK YOU.

SHOUTING WILL SOLVE THIS

Apparently the assault riffle used in the most recent (fuck, most recent. Let that sink in) school shooting was bought legally. But legal or illegal, why does anyone have an assault riffle in the first place? And why do NRA paid politicians give those same objects assault weapons more rights and protections than humans women and children?

This is the 18th school shooting for 2018. EIGHTEENTH. THIRTY-FIVE DAYS INTO THE YEAR.
I know once you start shouting you have lost your argument, but I don't know what else to do at this moment. This is becoming normal and IT SHOULDN'T BE NORMAL.

Selfishly I think: how do I protect my children? I can save my girl from a ladybug on the playground, but a bullet at school where I'm not? Maybe I should home school the kids so they don't have to be a victim of another (because there will be another) school shooting. Or buy them bullet proof vests with the rest of their school supplies. Do they make those in size 5T? (my girl is tiny-she may be that size by kindergarten) WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS?

Why does ANYONE WORRY ABOUT THIS? FIX THIS BULLSHIT.

Another

Another mass shooting domestic terrorism.
Another lone wolf  white male.
Another toxic masculinity mental health status question
Another assault riffle weapon of mass destruction.
Another "senseless" tragedy easy access to guns partial explanation.
Another cry for fruitless attempt at stronger gun laws.
Another "but not all/good gun owners" defense absolving responsibility.
Another minuscule blip in the NRA's rhetoric set of victims.
Another suspiciously quiet restrategizing from NRA lobbyists 
Another round of thoughts and prayers inaction.
Another round of finger pointing.
Another search for a silver bullet.
Another heartbreak.
Another family destroyed.
Another. Another. Another.

Not Surprised

I'm not surprised at the tragedy of Charlottesville. 

Angry about it? Yes. 

Disgusted with all things white supremacists? Absolutely. 

Frustratingly sad and overall appalled? You better believe it. 

But surprised? No. 

This powder keg has been on a slow burn since king deplorable announced his candidacy. And I don't think Charlottesville is going to change a thing. There's going to be another rally. There's going to be more injuries. There will probably be more deaths. The orange asshole will condone by refusing to condemn. There will be public outrage. There will definitely be twitter shaming. But change? Probably not. 

That's fucking terrifying 

Hair Trigger

Republican senators and their staff were shot at with a semi-automatic weapon.
Across the country - literally across the country- in San Francisco two victims and the gunman are dead from a shooting at the same time.
And in Georgia there's a man hunt has been going on for over 24 hours for two inmates who escaped by shooting their correction officers with the officers' own weapons.

HOW.
MANY.
MORE.
SHOOTINGS.
UNTIL.
REAL.
GUN.
CONTROL?  

Nothing to Report

The way I found my dog trainer is that I work with her mom. So on occasion Jamie will call the desk looking for her mom and we'll chat for a few minutes about the dogs. And right now, there's nothing to report. They are getting along fine. They don't play together, but since Mike tenses up and expects the worst to happen if they get close to each other they don't get the chance to play even if they wanted. But right now, they're just there, co-existing in the same house. They're not challenging each other, resource guarding or jockeying for the dominate position. They're just, there. They're just being. They go to "place," they walk on their pinch collars. They "sit" and "down" on command, and if they don't on command they get a pop with the pinch collar until they do. Usually reaching for the leash to pop is enough to get a compliance, but Jules still occasionally throws a fit if you correct her. Stubborn little ass that she can be though, she's no match for my bitter determination. The other day I even took them both for a short walk by myself. And nothing happened. There's really nothing to report.

And I almost hate that because it makes giving up my best friend Bailey seem that much more ridiculous and this heartache that much more unnecessary. But what does that matter? It doesn't lessen my grief in any way, turns out it exacerbates it. The one thing I want most of all there's no hope for. Which is why I'm so defeated and don't have the strength to fight for her anymore. It's the giving up on a nothing to report perfectly normal nothing extraordinary (but extraordinary to me) dog that hurts most of all. 

The Biggest Looser Is Me

I am finding Bailey a new home.
For real this time, I've put up ads for her on both my work/staff blogs and my trainer has put her on their facebook page. I've got coworkers asking their spouse's coworkers and friends asking friends. It won't happen overnight, but Bailey won't be my dog for much longer.

The back story: the dogs got into a fight while they were being boarded at the trainers a few weeks ago. Bailey got anxious and started a fight with Jules, but they were separated and no one got hurt. Then Jules attacked Bailey 5 more times, and on that 5th time Bailey bit and stubborn little dog that wouldn't stop attacking went to the vet again. (She's healed fine now)  Mike has reached his breaking point. To make a long story short: Bailey and Jules don't get along 100% of the time. (Just Bailey and Jules, Bailey has played well with others) But when you combine the potential of a fight somewhere in the future with his always been a little scared of Bailey...she has to leave me. And I just can't fight for her anymore, I'm so tired. I'm tired of my husband being scared of my dog. I'm tired of him bringing up every single one of Bailey's past incidents as if I didn't know how he feels. I'm tired of the horrified looks if I say anything less than favorable about Jules when my feelings have been so deeply hurt over Bailey and on a constant basis. I'm tired of living in fear that I am going to lose her. I have fought tooth and nail for my dog, and I just can't do it anymore. I'm so sorry Bailey that I've failed you and it is absolutely breaking my heart.

My dog is not worth my marriage, but me giving her up is an enormous sacrifice. It's not fair but no matter what I lose. I still give up Bailey who I fiercely vowed to never let go again. If I make my husband give Jules away he resents and hate me. (I'm already resented for even thinking about it in the first place.) I didn't have to try to think of Jules as my own, and I wanted to love her as much as I love Bailey. She's likable and my heart grew to fit her next to Bailey. But now... because those 2 can't get along all the time, that dog has broken my heart and left an emptiness she'll never be able to fill. I don't hate Jules, though part of me wants to out of loyalty to Bailey. But I don't have to love her anymore either. She's just a dog that I have to live with now. I know when Bailey finds her new family she's going to be just fine. She may even forget me in time, though I'll never be able to forget her. Bailey's life will carry on and be great and that's what matters. Giving up a pet is a hard choice no matter who you are. But I wish I didn't have to be the biggest looser of everyone.

Dependant

I may joke about getting used to rejection letters from jobs, but I'm never going to get used to it.  As more and more time passes between the time I recieved my degree and full time employment, I become more and more unhirable.  Yes, I have a part time job and I'm glad I have something and am making some money, but I'm still compleatly dependant on my fiance and my parents. How does that make a person feel good about themselves?

And as much as Mike tries to make me feel better about everything, he doesn't understand.  Even when he wasn't in a career, he was still in school working towards something.  He resigned a job with a horrible boss to start his shiny new teaching carreer in a shiny new city right away.  I don't begrudge him for having these good things because he's worked very hard and deserves them.  But he's not stuck in the shiny new house, in our shiny new city, continiously searching for a shiny new job to start my shiny new career, all while being at the mercy of other people's acceptance. 

But he just doesn't understand how hurtful it is to feel like that you don't matter.  The lump I get my chest as the rejection emails pile up.  To continiuosly come up empty on jobs that I am qualified for. To apply for jobs I'm only partialy qualified for, and then to not even be surprised when I am ignored. 
And even if things just snaped into place that I land a full time job, by the time I'd be on my feet I'll be married, and then dependant on my husband.  I'm never going to be a grown up.  

Pet Cause

First: rest in peace Steve Jobs.  I'm a pc girl myself, but your innovation changed the world and you are a legacy. Second: October is breast cancer awareness month.

Breast cancer is bad. No if ands or buts about that.  But it's not the only cancer there is.  There's colon cancer, which took my grandma. There's stomach cancer, which took my other grandma. There's liver, lung, skin, ovarian, prostate, brain, ect. If it's a part of the body, it can get cancer. And they are all horrible.

But, cancer is not necessarily the death sentence it once was.  I'm not diminishing anyone's loss.  Even with the help of modern medicine and treatments, there will be those who will still loose their battle.  Their loved ones will mourn, and awareness is brought up.  But at the same time, there are those who do respond to the treatments, and can live cancer free.  At the very least, there's hope.

But, cancer isn't my pet cause anymore.  You can't cure dementia.  You can't remove the tumor or live dementia free.  You can't have the person you once knew back.  I can't tell my dad that everything will be ok after "this." I don't have the same kind, sometimes any, hope. 

It's not wrong to want to eradicate a disease. But we all have ones that strike closer to home.  And my pet cause, the one that I want cured, is a hell of a lot more important to me than walking to save a stranger's tatas.

Grit

I don't like to talk about my dad's disease on here that much because I feel like I'm airing dirty laundry.  But that's becoming more and more difficult to do because it's woven itself into every part of our daily lives.  It's not as simple as "my dad has dementia."  It's not even mild, we're in the moderate to severe category.  It's not just adapting to a few little changes.  It's basic, everyday things we have taken for granted, have become something to monitor and/or make safe.  And not only from the big bad scary outside world, but also from himself.

I hate saying this, but it's true: it's only a matter of time before my dad has to go into a care facility. His disease will take him to a place where none of us will be able to physically and mentally take care of him.  Yes, I fought that reality at first, I'm still fighting it hoping I have years.  But no amount of pride, pleading and crying is going to change the situation. 
After pushing my mom for months, borderline almost a year, I finally figured that I was going to have to do things myself.  If we (ok, me) want a choice for his care, we (I) have to do this now so we're (I'm) not scrambling only to end up settling for some hell hole.  I'm not giving up on my dad, I'm not shirking him off to someone else.  I'm not.  I'm trying to figure out the best possible outcome for him and all of us.  But I'm in Charlotte and he's in Lexington.  So, I can't help physically right now.  My mom needs it and knows it.  But she doesn't have the grit to look for it, acknowledge that it exists, or let alone take it when offered.  So the responsibility of all this is falling to me. 

And believe me, I'm upset about that.  About everything. That my dad has this disease. That I'm the one taking care of it.  That no matter what I said or how I said it I would upset my mom.  But someone has to do it, and between me and my mom, I seem to be the only one strong enough to take action.  So with some grit and some courage, I'm taking care of things.  My mom and I reached an uneasy truce that I would figure things out and she would trust me on my choices.  Which is good, but I'm still alone on this.

It's not the most ideal situation, but what can I do about that?  I'm tired of trying to pull my mom's head out of the sand.  I'm tired of being scared for my dad.  I'm tired of feeling alone on this. I'm tired of looking for grit. And I'm sad.  So, so, so sad.

Why Yesterday Sucked

Yesterday at 12:30 I took the GRE. It didn't go well. I was going to take it back in February, but I knew I wasn't ready, so I postponed it to March.

I studied, but not as well as I should have. I made the flashcards. I knew/learned cold about 75% of the top 200 GRE words. I took the practice test. But you know what I learned the most when I was studying? That I hate to study. It's so hard for me to get in that mindset first off, and as I recite words and definitions to the dogs, I keep thinking how much I'm not getting this and I get frustrated. And then I start to feel stupid. Which then sets me down the "who am I kidding I'm not smart enough to get into grad school mindset." I didn't want to keep postponing the test, so I figured I would put on my big girl pants, take the test, get a base score and go from there. By no means did I want to do bad on the GRE, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. And then, being the spawn of asian worry (thanks mom) I psyched myself out all the way leading to test day.

I didn't feel ready, I was nervous, and I had a lot of people cheering for me. Combine that with my self fulfilling prophecy so I took my low score really hard. I actually scored right around average, which isn't bad. It's not stupid, and for goodness sake I'm trying to get into grad school and people who do that are not stupid. But to me, it's a low score, I won't get into school with it, I'm so disappointed and it hurts.

But after the test was when it got worse. I then fought traffic for an hour, my gps got me little lost and I ended up in South Carolina, I was hungry from having just taken a 3 hour test that I didn't do well on, and it was freakishly hot day so I was sweltering in my car. I'm cranky as fck, and I come home to dr soc's hopefulness and phd. And then I read the good luck message my bestest buddy sent me and I am just heartbroken. It's one thing to disappoint yourself, but now I've disappointed other people too. Meltdown number 1 ensues.

Dr soc and I took the dogs for a walk and I started to calm down a bit. And then he got the mail which is nothing out of the ordinary. But what was out of the ordinary was I received a thin letter from the place I interviewed at last week. Thin letters from job interviews are like thin letters from college's you've applied at. And even though I knew what it was before I even opened it, reading we found someone else better fit for this position was the one-two punch my day didn't need. Bring on melt down number 2.

I didn't really want that job to begin with but that doesn't make it sting any less. The timing just sucked on it. Granted, getting it the day before or today wouldn't have been any better, probably worse. But it still sucked.

Monday I'll start over. I'll keep looking for jobs, and I'll figure out when to take the GRE again. I'll study differently and get my scores up. I'll find some sort of income even if it's part time working at target. But for the moment, I'm just going to lick my wounds, wallow in self pity and cry.

Self Esteem

I've been keeping word document of jobs I have applied to and the date that I applied on for my own personal book keeping. Single spaced, size 11 font, remove space between paragraphs (which by the way, is a feature of microsoft office 10 that I hate and think is stupid, because it's visually stupid and and excessive. And, fyi: that extra space between paragraphs is not going to make your 3 page paper miraculously turn into the 5 page paper you need) list that is roughly half of a page full. I strike out the listing when I get the thanks but no thanks email. About 70% of the positions have a strike out through them, and the only reason I haven't struck out the rest of the positions is because I will cry.

I received another thank you for your interest/application but you have not been considered for the position email yesterday. And while I do appreciate the courtesy, it still stings. At least I got some sort of acknowledgement though. I discovered I wasn't considered for other jobs by either checking my application status, seeing the position re-posted, or seeing that the position has been filled and/or interviews were being held right now! (yes, that's so exciting for them. The rest of us not in the running are so happy.)

I knew this wouldn't be an easy process, and I knew it would take time. It would be a reality check to say the least. (It also doesn't help when your mom tells you "you always get jobs so easy!" and gives you a false sense of accomplishment.) But what I didn't expect was how quickly I would get demoralized and how much it would impact my self esteem and all other aspects of my life.

Such as: studying for the gre. I keep making excuses as to why I'm not studying, but the truth is I hate how studying makes me feel stupid. And when I don't score well on practice test, it just proves to me that I'm not smart enough to get into grad school.

My running. I'm pushing myself too hard at the gym and I know it. But I keep going to more and more fitness classes and pushing myself to the point of nausea because I feel like it's the only thing I have control over. I was at a 10 minute mile, and I'm roughly at a 9:15 mile now. But I need to be at a 9:00 minute mile to break 2 hours on my next half. So since I'm not there, I feel like I'm not doing anything

The dogs...as sweet as they are, try my patience every day. I get frustrated with Bailey more often, yet anything that anyone says remotely negative or concerning I automatically go on the defense. I'm on the defense a lot.

My face is breaking out horribly, which makes me really self conscious. I'm dealing with acne at twenty-fcking-eight, which is bull sht. So even if I was to get some sort of interview, I'm worried about how my skin will make me appear.

I'm so lonely. I don't know anyone here except dr soc, and it's hard for my people who have lives to have time to visit. And as for meeting people, well, see the vicious cycle known as not having a job to provide me human contacts, and lack of funds to do anything with the human contacts I don't have.

Stress Management

Everyone is telling me I need to manage my stress. Let's file that under the no shit sherlock category. It's pretty obvious I need to do so. My chest constricts several times a day. I get anxious and nervous just as often. I'm on the constant verge of tears and almost any little thing can start them.

I know that stress is a natural part of life. I just have a ridiculous amount of crap going on right now, and all that ridiculous amount of crap is really stressful crap. I know that I need to manage it. But the problem isn't that I haven't found the time to try to calm down and relax. It's that I don't have any place to do so.

I have no place I can mentally check out. School is school, where I need to be a senior student with 18 credit hours so I can graduate. Work, while not stressful in the slightest, is still work. But home is where my biggest stressers and things I worry about most are. My dog and my dad.

I'm constantly worried I'm going to come home to bad news. That Bailey lunged at another person, or another ticket or worse a citation. Or that the hateful neighbor has taken action. I'm worried that my dad has had a bad day, or walked the dog by himself. I worry that he'll get lost, hasn't eaten lunch or instead eaten every single snack in the house instead of lunch. I'm worried that when I talk to dr soc at night that if we start talking about my dog we'll get in a fight about her. And I hate that when the stress does get to be too much for me to handle and I break down, he's not here to let me sob on his shoulder.

So yes, I know I need to f*cking manage my stress. But until I find a place to do so, I'm pretty much shit out of luck.

Why My Nerves Are Shot TO HELL

There is a neighbor who hates my dog. Hates her in the sense that they want to press charges. Bailey lunges at people and I know that is scary for some. She is always on her leash when we are outside and I am able to control her. And while she does lunge, she's never harmed anyone or anything. She's received 2 tickets from animal control in the past month and a half. Both of those times she was walking with my dad, who we know can't control Bailey, or even be able to tell me the full story. And both times it was the same person who called animal control. My mom talked to the neighbor which is how we found out who hates my dog, and that they want to, but won't yet unless we do something, press charges.

Of course I panicked. Big time. I called dr soc in an emotional frenzy and explained in between sobs while he wisely kept his mouth shut about his personal issues with my dog. He was able to calm me down some and help me down the rational path a little. My first step was that I had to find out what was going on, who had what rights and what can be done. So I called animal control and got some more details and helped me understand things a little better.

First, these are nuance complaints and not citations. Citations have court dates, and furthermore, my animal is not been categorized as a violent animal by animal control. The records show that I have followed up on both these tickets and they've been dismissed in a way.

Second: Animal control has never seen my animal, or any evidence of violence, which is why she is not categorized as a violent animal. Animal control needs to witness violence towards one of their officers or physical proof, such as a mauled (or dead) animal, a bite mark in order for them to issue the citation.

However, this neighbor can still press charges in a civil suit if they wanted too. But the burden of proof is on the person pressing charges. And as far as I know, there is none of that. Because Bailey hasn't harmed anyone. Yes I know she mouthed someone's arm, and that was scary. But she didn't bite, leave a mark and no physical harm was done. So if this was to go to court, for the moment I think it's my word against theirs.

I'm not making excuses for my dog. I have called a private trainer and we''ll get Bailey to stop lunging at strangers and calm down. I am the only one that is walking her now. I work with her on basic obedience every single night. And I stay the hell away from my hateful spiteful neighbor as well. We're moving in 2 months anyway. But even when I get her trained and if she were to become 100% perfect angle, I'm always going to have this threat of legality over my head now. And this all consuming fear that I could loose my dog sends me to tears at almost anytime of day. I'm trying to be as proactive as I can in this, but I am teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I am always going to be on the defense when it comes to Bailey. I am always going to be fighting for her. And I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.