Football Dreams

I had this dream a while ago I thought I would share now* since it's football season.

Luke Kuechly, Colin Kaepernick, and some other well known player were all staying at our house during training camp. They all really wanted me to pack them their lunches for camp, like a mother hen. So for some reason I took them all grocery shopping with me. I would push the cart and send them all off into the store aisles to fetch whatever ingredient I needed to make the lunch they wanted.

They did pretty well but one of them (I think it was Luke) wasn't sure what kind of eggs to get, so he put a dozen free range and a dozen brown eggs in the cart hoping those were right. I asked if  he had checked to make sure none of them were cracked, but he sheepishly shook his head because he didn't know he was supposed to do that. I think I gently reminded him and sent him to another aisle. After that it gets a little hazy but I suppose I packed their lunches and sent them all off to camp.

I have the best football dreams.

*okay, full disclosure, I started this post in the summer right after I had the dream but totally forgot to post it because, well, life, and now and it just happens to be football season.

 

Heathens are Us

I don't go to church. I'm not religious either. With the exception of a few months senior year of high school and the occasional holiday, I haven't attended a religious ceremony that wasn't a wedding or baptism of my own free will either. But I live in the bible belt and there's some sort of church/temple/synagogue/parish/mosque/something everywhere you look. I pass at least one each way I leave my neighborhood. So a lot of non religious affiliated events happen at these places of worship simply because it's a space that can host an event.        
So one Sunday morning I'm running an errand and notice the church parking lot is full as I drove past. I think to myself:

Huh, wonder what's going on at the church?
--pause--
Oh. Church.  

Adventures in Exercise

-5:50 pm-
mike: What time did you want to go to the gym?
::I check my Y's exercise class schedule on the internets::
me: There's a zumba class at 6:45 I'd could go to. Lets go then.
6: 40 pm- ::at the gym::
mike: I'll see you in an hour after your class. Come get me if I'm not done by them.
me: Sure thing. See you in about an hour
6:45 pm- ::I arrive at where zumba is:: 
me: hmm, they're using a lot of equipment, and this posted class schedule says this is a step/strength class...Shit. Oh well, I'll give it a try, here goes.
6:55 - OK, so this is definitely NOT like zumba. But I'll just try to keep up.
7:00 - Yeah, I'm just going to have to work at my own pace.
7:10 - Now we're using weights. I can do some weight work.
7:12 - Maybe I can do light weights next rep.
7:15 - I hate weights. 
7:20 - God I wish this was zumba
7:23 - I'll do the reps but forgo the weights.
7:25 - I hate reps.
7:30 - Just ten more minutes. I can do ten more minutes!
7:35 - I think I'm going to throw up
7:40 - I still think I'm going to throw up. Must remain standing. Must find husband. Must remain standing to find husband.
7:42 - ::see husband!::
me: That wasn't zumba.
mike: No? Was it pilates?
me: God no. It was a step/strength class. It kicked my ass. And I'm really nauseous now.
mike: OK, I'll finish up in about 5 minutes. You go sit down.
me (weakly): OK.
::I sat down for a few minutes in the locker room which helped the nausea::
7:45 -
me (sadly): The internets lied to me. How could they? I should pick up a paper copy of the class schedule so I can double check next time.
-7:50 --Mike approaches the chair I managed to get half my butt on. I missed the first time and it was too much effort to try to get the other half on there as well. 
mike: hey, you look a little better. You ready to go?
me: Yes. So, I looked at the paper schedule. The 6:45 step/strength class is right here on the schedule for room two. And the 6:45 zumba class is on the schedule . In room one. -pause- I'm a dumbass.
mike: Aw!
me: Yeah. Oh well, I'm going to consider my entire aching being a just punishment for thinking the internets had forsaken me.
mike: OK dear, Let's go get some dinner. And hey, at least it wasn't pilates.
me: Truth. If it had been I would have walked out the second I figured it out. I hate pilates.
mike: I know you do.
me: Seriously, fuck pilates.

Speculating

--Via gchat w/my sister--

Me: did I tell you that I secretly hoped my new neighbors were related to the president? I don't think they are now, but I had my reasons.
Amy: Why would you think that? Because they are black?
Me: Yes, but there were other reasons: They have a black curly haired Bo-ish looking dog. And the clincher, one of their vanity plates reads LUVOBAMA.*
Amy: You know a family's dog genes don't get passed through family right? ;)
Me: Yes. But it was still fun to speculate.
Amy: ok
Me: And NOW I don't think they are because dr soc met them and their dog is about 10 years old so I knew it wasn't Bo-related. And the secret service didn't investigate me or check to see if my house could be used as a safe house just in case the president visited either.
--pause--
Me: This is what I come up with because I have no job.

* while I am conscious of not using my last name and even many people's real names to give some semblance of privacy, if you have a vanity plate it is assumed that you do not wish to be anonymous and therefore are fair game for blog material.

County Line

As far as I'm concerned there are 3 areas of Kentucky: Lexington, Louisville, and Somewhere.

Seriously, if you/it is not from the first two, then I really don't know where in the state that exactly is. And this is just how most of us who grew up in Lexington and Louisville think. We grew up in a city and we know our own county, but that's about it.

However, if you grew up "Somewhere," then you're from a county. And these somewhere folk get a little miffed at us city folk for not knowing where they are from. Because not only do they know their own county, they know all the surrounding ones, what counties Lexington (Fayette) and Louisville (Jefferson) are, and they know what part of the state that is too.

This is a conversation you have quite often in Lexington/at UK:
Where are you from?
So&so: I grew up in Madison/Laurel/Webster county.
Me: I really don't know where that is.
So&so: Oh it's right next to Estill/Clay/Hopkins county.
me: Yeah.... that doesn't really help...
so&so: ::sigh:: East/West/South/Northern Kentucky.
Me: Oh, ok sure (still no real idea though).

In fairness, there are 120 counties in Kentucky. Like all the somewheres know where all the other somewheres are either.

My Own Sophie's Choice. Sorta

My favorite animal in the whole wide world is Bailey. Duh

But I'm having a hard time figuring out what my 2nd most favorite animal is.
I'm torn between a dragon and a unicorn.

I know, right? How do you choose? * Both are supposedly "mythical," but they both have Harry Potter references (and those books are awesome), which totally makes them real.

So on one hand, I have dragons. And dragon's are pretty bad ass. They breath fire, have scales, are great battle artillery and how unbelievably awesome would it be to fly through the skies on one? Yeah. Bad. Ass. You don't 'eff with a dragon. Or a person who has one for that matter either.

yeah, like you'd mess with this bamf

On the other hand, unicorns are the ethereal formation of pure good. They have sparkly flowing manes and can fly over rainbows. And take you to Candy Mountain. Riding on the back of one of those things is pretty cool too I bet. Sorta "I'm on a horse" old spice commercial style but way better because it's a unicorn.

I am magical!

Sure you may look all heroic if you slay a dragon, especially if it's in order to win the hand of the fair maiden/princess (though considering a dragon might be this princess's 2nd most favorite animal, slaying a dragon may not be the smartest idea. Just saying). But I'd rather tame the thing for my own bidding and use it to scare people. And if you slay a unicorn you make baby Jesus cry. And bring a curse to your land too. So you look like an ass hole.

Dragons, or unicorns? Bad ass or Candy Mountain? How can I choose? This may have to end in a draw.

* your boyfriend will choose for you sometimes. Mine has at least. Dr soc believes he already figured this matter out for me and that clearly dragons are obvious choice.

Mercy

Have you heard the song Mercy by Duffy? (I can't figure how to post a video, just google it) I've always liked it, it's fun to sing and you also can't help but wiggle around and dance a little bit whenever you hear it. It's also got a strong beat that's good to run to.

It's used a fair amount in commercials and finds it's way onto a soundtrack here and there. In the past year I've heard it in an episode of Glee (or was that Rehab by Amy Winehouse?), The Ladies Detective Agency (or was it Woman's Murder Club? Whatever it was, it didn't have a long shelf life on ABC's prime time line up) and for a commercial for It's Complicated, the Meryl Streep/Alec Baldwin movie. And I just heard it at the Olympics too!

It always kind of implies that something's afoot. But what is it about that song that became synonymous with mischief?

The Twitter of My Life

For your snarking pleasure, some thoughts that have run through my head the past week.

• Wtf people, it's January in Kentucky. Stop it with the flip flops.
• She's kinda pretty, in that obviously fake tan orange sort of way I mean.
  
• Eff it, I'm going to be the talker in class. I have something to say on social theory.
  
• On that note, dude, don't be the talker in class. Everything you say comes out with a douché accent.
• I wonder if that's teased or a bump-it? Either way, I can't see over/around it.
• I bet he's 19, he has that 19 year old I totally know what I'm doing after one semester of college cocky walk.
• Holy crap, there are a lot of people smaller than me. I'm talking 8" shorter. I could put her in my put pocket small.
• You know, for as tiny as that girl is (and that she's a uk cheerleader), she has remarkably big man hands.
• How does a person chew gum so loud?
• Dreads on a girl...no, just not a good look.
• Hey that's angry chem girl! Wow, she still looks seriously angry. Maybe that's just her default face?
• That's right kids, these are peanut butter Oreos, and you should be jealous. Grown ups bring good stuff in our lunchboxes

So I had This Thought the Other Day

Since the Vatican is an independent country, does this mean they could compete in the Olympics?

Well no, we looked that answer at up at work (oh btw, even though we claim to not notice/comment/judge on what materials you check out, we so totally are).

Then I started giggling uncontrollably, because I get the mental image of the pope running in a race in full pope regalia, blessing people along the way. Meanwhile the other athletes are going nuts because they've trained their lives for this, but dude, you can't beat the pope. I mean, who does that?

And yes, this is really what goes on in my head.

Sign me up for Couger

So I just watched 17 Again and while it was predictable, it was delightful none the less. And I'm not ashamed to admit, I think Zac Effron is a cutie. But besides him and his pretty pretty face and that perfect hair that you just want to run your fingers through (ahem. sorry), here are a few boys I'd go cougar for:
Pics brought to you by the interwebs. (do I need to credit the image or something?)

Zac Effron:




















age 22. Hi pretty boy

Daniel Radcliffe




















age 20. Boy wears a suit better than most men.

This cutie from Fame, Asher Book:














age 21. He can sing and I love him.

And HRH Prince Harry of Wales:


















age, 25. Prince. 'Nuff said.
And I don't feel dirty about liking him becasue he's only 2 years younger than me.

Oh, and I'd totally take his brother on the right there too, becasue they're both adorable and do-gooders and over 6 feet tall and have pretty queen's english accents. And they're princes. Only Will's a few weeks older than me, thus putting him out of my cougar range which is not what this blog is about.

Here's to prowling! (rawr)

How Fairy Tales Have Ruined My Relationships

Quick Pic: Disney Princesses - Feminism? What Feminism?
I blame fairy tales for giving me unrealistic expectations on men.

Where are these single princes in their enchanted castles who need a gentle loving pure hearted woman to break the spell a wicked witch put them under? Dudes, I'd break the spell if I could find you! (could be it be that I am not gentle nor pure hearted?) But how am I supposed to meet a handsome prince nowadays anyway? The security around them is unreal. 'Eff.

While I agree with the link, I still love fairy tales. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite I think. Though I might have a hard time falling in love with a beast myself, since I don't like my men too hairy (except for facial hair, but that's a whole Oedipus/Electra complex thing). And there are a ton of other fairly tales besides the ones Disney Disney-fied. (Apparently there's a whole jewelry line based on the Disney princesses. Sleeping Beauty is the only one I kinda like, but I would prefer my beloved to design my engagement ring for me and not a cartoon character thankyouverymuch). (FYI, I have the fingers for a princess or marquis cut diamond, but I'm also liking the cushion cut as of late. All of those are acceptable with a pavé setting) But most fairy tales have a similar sort of plot: there's a little bit of trouble, shenanigans ensue, but someone comes and saves the day and they all live happily ever after. Though I like the ones that end with the evil do-ers getting some sort of comeuppance better. (I'm a little vindictive)

And while some are more beloved than others, Grimm's brother's Snow White does absolutely nothing for woman's empowerment. Girl is dum. Seriously, the dwarfs shut her in the house, say don't talk to strangers, and Snow White's all "'okay!" And then two minutes later the wicked queen comes by and Snow White's tells the queen "I can't talk to you!" But the queen counteracts with "I have shiny things" and Snow White gets all excited and squeals "okay!" and proceeds to let the queen in. You know, the person trying to kill her. The dwarfs save her dumb ass twice (thus keeping their maid), until the fateful apple that somehow outsmarts them all. The dwarfs go back to being slobs, I mean, mourn, prince charming comes by, sees the pretty dead girl and totally has to make out with her (umm, eww). And somehow this kiss removes the apple and she wakes up bright eyed and bushy tailed, and they go live happily ever after. But I want to know a few more things:
A: why didn't the dwarfs think to remove it first?
B: how come it didn't kill charming when he removed it?
C: if that kiss is what dislodged the apple in the first place, how far is his tongue going down her throat?

Nineteen

I hear through the grapevine (aka, over drinks and some loose lips), that a former co-worker of mine (who is only a year or two older than me I believe), is dating a 19-year old (that's a 9-10 year age gap). Eyebrows were raised, knowing glances were shot around, and tongues wagged a bit. And then someone in the grapevine also said she was a dirty girl.

First I thought, "yeah, I don't care." But I though about it a second more and said "well, what else can you really be at 19 except dirty?"

Hey, think about it. At 19, you can't (legally) get into bars or buy alcohol, so you can't really hang out with your older boyfriend.* So what else can you legally do except be a dirty girl?

*unless you have a fake id.**

** (Side note to my footnote) I think I'm the only person in who never had a fake id. Why bother? I already look younger than I am, I knew I couldn't pass for anything older then actually was.

Zeus

When I posted about religion a while back, I didn't mention ancient Greek and Roman mythology. Mainly because those beliefs have fallen to the wayside as a religion. But I've always liked mythology and that there were different gods and goddess who controlled things. And that they could seriously f*ck with people who pissed them off. And dudes, they had a party god (Bacchus (Roman)/Dionysus (Greek), god of the vine), and that's pretty cool. (unless you are a maenad (true blood ref), and the worship of dionysus is delusional)

My false sense of superiority on mythology comes from what I can recall of my 6th grade Latin class and a book on Mythology I read for AP English in high school (ten years ago. Shut up). And what I've forgotten, Wikipedia can fill in the blanks (btw, everything on wiki is click-able in 6 steps or less). But I think it's common knowledge that Zeus, was a man (god?) whore. Dude, got around. And he had throngs of children so that just proves he was potent too. He was a smooth talker and so divine that women, mortal and ethereal, fell at his feet. But Zeus also loved a good intrigue, and I guess having women throwing themselves at you get's boring after a while. So he preferred to get his conquest through trickery (sort of like roofies only not in that immoral evil and illegal way (oh yeah, I went there)).

Don't forget there's all sorts of incest, immaculate conceptions and betrayals going on in the god world. Hera, Zeus' wife, was notoriously jealous and vengeful. But I would be too if my husband kept stepping out on me I had powers (I'm still working one smite). Hell, you're the goddess of marriage and your husband is the definition of philanderer, I'd be livid. Not to mention the unfairness of Hera's only immaculate conception (and non-Zeus child) was deformed and tossed into a volcano (Vulcan), while Zeus' (sorta) immaculate conception (Athena) and other other infidelities (Apollo, Artemis, Aphrodite...) all got to be divinities, rise among the ranks and sit at the big god's table. So Hera cursed a lot of his play things (Feminism, the early years. Can't divorce your adulterous spouse, at least make his conquest lives miserable).

Well anyway, Zeus pops down to earth, changes form, impregnates, he's good. But he probably would have a little more difficult time with this MO today. Times have changed. Humans are not as gullible as they once were (oh wait, yes they are, we just have google (and wiki) now). Gone are the days of a beautiful swan entrancing a young lady (Leda and the Swan). An ethereal animal can't just approach a human with out raising someone's eyebrows. And even if he got through that red tape, bestiality, not so much.

So since the animal plot is out, he needs a different trick. And you know Hera's just loving that hubby dearest has got to work a little harder now. But hey it's Zeus, he can toss lighting bolts to get someone out of his way. Not like that's inconspicuous or anything. So he comes to earth as a really good looking man. But drat again! Target conquest whips out her iPhone and google searches the name he gives her. It doesn't take long (I made him go after the tech savvy women just because it makes me feel better than if he went for the bimbo) for her to figure out it's Zeus in human form and really well worn 3 piece suit.

Zeus, king of gods, foiled by the iPhone.

Long Pants

Reason I like fall:
Once it's long pants weather I can stop shaving my legs. Bonus to not having a boyfriend as well.
(though he should still be looking for me)

Things I like to pop

1. bubble wrap
2. champagne corks
3. wine corks
4. corn
5. my knuckles
6. my back
7. zits (gross! I know)
8. people in the nose
9. some people's bubble
10. chewing gum (annoying)
11. random thoughts in my head

Things that I do not like to pop:

1. balloons
2. cherries
3. pop up ads
4. pop rocks

Funny (but slightly inappropriate) story

One of the questions on my test last night was: what is the most common bacterial std in the US? I knew it was between syphilis or chlamydia, and I was 74% sure it was chlamydia. So that's the answer I chose (it was all multiple choice).

About half an hour later my mom and I are waiting for our take out (she picked me up from campus) and I'm going over the test with her. I'm musing about that question and I decide to look up the answer since I have my book with me. I flip to the right chapter (and I would like to point out that the std's were listed in the male anatomy chapter - because boys are dirty), and I was right.

Delighted by my knowledge of stds and their prevalence I say out loud "woo hoo! It is chlamydia!"

And my mom jumps on the cheering bandwagon and says "oh good! Chlamydia for everyone!"

And now we can't stop giggling. Gee I wonder why?

List of Random Thoughts

It's exactly what it sounds like. These are a few of the (many) random thoughts I can recall from my day:

• On bus to school-notice guy walking: Is that dude wearing girl sweatpants? Oh oh! Walk of shame! Walk of shame!
• In bio class when a picture of a cheetah is on the screen: Kitty! F*ck! ::laugh:: (inside joke)
• Later in class, seriously, cannot stop self from giggling over Kitty! F*ck
• Eww, spider ::squish w/my shoe:: Hmm, Is it wrong that I just killed that spider in biology class?
  
• Mumble something funny to myself, start to giggle. Thought: "oh crap I'm that person in class!"
• And still laughing at Kitty! F*ck.
• Walking to the gym: why is everyone so tan? And dude, flip-flops in 30 degree weather? No.
• While running: ahh not coordinated! Must walk to drink water! Hey, why does my "virtual trainer" have such huge boobs?
  
• While stretching: Why do all the cute boys come out when I like like ass?
• Walking to bus stop as shorts are bunching under my workout pants: Well this is highly unpleasant!
• When taking Bailey for a walk: I wonder if she'd wear a cape for Halloween?
• While at work: the Oscar Mayer bologna jingle. 'Cause Oscar Mayer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a:: Now it's in your head too! (you're welcome)
• After changing into my pj's: How are my pants on backward?

Why I would make terrible spy

1. I giggle too much. This does not seem like good spy behavior
2. I have a low tolerance for pain and would give in at the first sign of torture
3. I can always be bribed. Food, money, shiny object, whatever. I'd sell top secrets for pumpkin creme brulee. (don't judge, it's fantastic and you would sell secrets for the right price too. My right price just happens to be in the form of a desert right now)
4. I squirm a lot, which would probably trip some alarm or give away my hiding spot (that or the giggling would).
5. I have a terrible poker face (by terrible I mean none), so my captors would always be able to tell if I was formulating a plan (snort. Of course I would get caught, it's me we're talking about, I giggled!)
6. Though I am good at hiding (I hid in the dryer once during a game of hide and seek. Damn! I just gave away my best one!)
7. See, terrible at keeping secrets.
8. I'm loud. Like a rhino clamoring up the stairs loud. That makes sneaking around unnoticed difficult.
9. More then likely, I'd whine that the plastic thingies they've used to bind my hands are bugging me. (if nothing else, annoy captors. Because they don't want to shoot you at all)
10. I don't like to chase down thugs. That's what minions are for
11. And knowing me, I would forget my super secret mission the second I got a new spy toy and show everyone I could while going "oo! oo! ooh! Look what I can do!" And then be baffled why they took my super cool spy tool away.

I don't think I'm cut out to be a spy. I'm lacking some major stealth qualities. That's ok, I'll just take an Aston Martin. As long as Daniel Craig as James Bond comes with it. (seriously, how do you look at it/him of those and not just think: WANT!)

Powers I wish I had

1. Smite- because that's just pure awesome
   
2. Telekinesis - imagine possibilities of freaking people out moving stuff with your mind. Also, would be handy to not get up for more ice cream when feeling particularly lazy.
3. 20/20 eyesight
4. Glamoring - True Blood /Southern Vampire Series fans you know exactly what I mean
5. Elasticity - I would love to be bendy, could always win Limbo and/or Twister
6. Time Travel - a very slippery slope, must be used with extreme caution and only after mastering telepathy skills
7. Invisibility - am willing to don a cape or type of suit for this; so do not actually need to gain this power within myself exactly
8. Master chocolatier - once again for awesomeness factor (blame Food Network for putting that one in my head)

Powers I have gained/am close to gaining:
Crap