Truths

 Welp. As of today I'm 40. (FUCK). I mean, it's great I'm here. My 20s were fun, and I married the love of my life. My 30's I had my children and those two are...my greatest joys and my greatest annoyances. So my 40s...let's see what this decade brings! 

But what kind of milestone birthday blog would this be if I didn't do some sort of soapbox reflection? So I will present you some truths I stand by my 40 trips around the sun

• A good pen will make or break your day.
• A person's use of spell check is a determining factor in friendship levels.
• I loathe text talk.  
• Pandas are assholes.
• The patriarchy sucks.
• There is nothing redeemable about a Tuesday. 
• Glitter is the herpes of crafts
• Never trust a girl without girlfriends.
• Or squirrels.
• Always, always smell the milk first
• Generic applesauce and oatmeal taste like cardboard
• There is no such thing as a "quick trip to Ikea."
• Don't buy generic toilet paper. Ever
• Tupperware is unable to be organized and is my nemesis.
• You can never have too many coats.
• Or chairs.
• Or books! (don't you say a thing dr soc!)
• Removing that stay hair bothering the crap out of you from your clothes is one of life's greatest victories.
• With small children it's best not to ask what a stain is.
• Wearing a dress or skirt with pockets automatically defaults to a good day.
• I cannot please everybody. I am not a taco.
• A taco can fix almost everything.
• I'm very likeable.

Salty Bedtime

The past month bedtime with the girls has been...challenging. Bedtime routine is supposed to go:
- 7pm -

- Nighttime potty (Girl 1) /nighttime diaper* change (Girl 2)
- Vitamin
- Brush teeth
- Stories
- Kisses/hugs, go to rooms
- Sleep: around 7:30pm 

*We** are also trying to potty train at this time

**mom and dad are, Girl 2 is nope.    

Here's how bedtime routine actually goes:
- 7pm-7:30ish Shit it's bedtime -

- Nighttime potty (Girl 1) /nighttime diaper change (Girl 2)

1: Cajole into performing basic body function of going to the bathroom 

- Vitamin
- Brush teeth

fight over step stool, put toothpastes on tooth brushes. 1: whine/cry "I need help" because bodily function. 2: run giggling with the toothbrush in mouth  

- Stories
- Kisses/hugs, go to rooms

1: You need to go to your bed in your room. No you do not get another story. No it's not time to play with us. What do you want to show me? Yes you can play/listen to your music in your room but do so quietly. Shhh! Shhhh! (nothing is louder than girl 1 trying to be quiet)

- This part has been ALL ME the past month -  

2: Snuggle/rock. Exhaust. Lullaby. Put in bed. Put in bed. Put in bed... Eventually lay down in bed with mommy is snuggling.* Freak out/cry run if mommy inches** away.***  

*uncomfortably laying on the floor and toddler bed

**lay on floor next to bed trying to work out neck kink.

***literally scoot inch by inch towards the door while fighting all the lingering mommy exhaustion from the past month

- Sleep: 10pm or later

Tuesdays I get home from work around 8:30 so it's 100% dr soc/daddy bedtime. Last night went like:  

- 7pm

- Nighttime potty/diaper change

- Vitamin

- Brush teeth

- Stories

- Kisses/hugs, go to rooms

1: Plays fairly quietly in room until I come home and check on her. Thump. Thump. Thump. Honey, you need to whisper and and be still to be quiet. Thump. Thump. Thump. Repeat 17 times (give or take)

2: put in bed and fall asleep in 5 fucking minutes!!!!  

- Sleep: 1 no idea, late and mommy shushed as usual: 2: 7:fucking 30pm. 

I am thrilled all my work and rigmarole got girl 2 to sleep in 5 fucking minutes. But I am also salty as hell she fell asleep in 5 fucking minutes for dr soc.  So glad I made that part of parenting easier for my husband.  So yes, happy overall. But also incredibly salty because fucking hell 5 minutes with no snuggling, rocking, exhausting, parental yoga moves, inching away! What the hell kid?!

Fact Check

Apparently, facebook flagged this:

 as false and decided to shame me by labeling it so. This. A post a few people liked about a custom of women...wearing (1920s) bathing suits...eating pizza to annoy men. I mean I may not don a bathing suit* but eating pizza and as a bonus annoying men? YES. YES PLEASE. But this, this isn't factual? How disappointing. And also, I'm calling bullshit.

*restrictive clothing, duh, no thank you. Also how am I going to control men to not rape in a bathing suit? 

It's not like, a post on the popular custom of, say, racism. 
Or a post on a nonexistent pedophilia ring in a basement (also nonexistent) of a pizza parlor and a white male shot a gun into said pizza parlor. 

Or that the 2020 election was rigged. 

Or something from f*x news that always tells, informs yells, screams the truth vitriol, lies, misogyny, lies, animated, hateful rhetoric, lies, opinions of the fragile white privileged males people. Nothing that harmed or killed people.

No. A post about women eating pizza to annoy men must be fact checked and deemed as false. Because that is the real danger here.

But I suppose if these giant companies are now going to make a valiant effort hold everyone* accountable for their posts they have to start somewhere. 

*Except males, especially the old white powerful *ones. Males will never be accountable for anything.

*Especially them.  

Shame shame on me for not fact checking something that supports my ever growing desire to fuck the patriarchy.

Irony 2.0

The irony of  Girl 1 fighting me tooth and nail on her teeth* and nails is not lost on me.

*you may recall the teeth fight of 2020. Currently that war is at a lull but her checkup in December involved crying so her upcoming June appointment I don't know.

Now that she is a mature 5 year old the irony is this: The hill my child will die on is anything health related. 

• She will not take medicine, topical or internal. 
• She will not listen to her body for the bathroom.
• She will not blow her nose despite being unable to breath due to snot blockage or a river flowing from her nose 
• Refuses band aids and screams about any blood getting on anything and everything from refusing to cover it
• When she found out she had to go to the doctor because she mentioned to daddy her ear hurt, she said "I wish I hadn't said anything."*
• *This one actually worries me because I know she had to be hurting long and hard enough for her to even mentioned it. I don't want her to be afraid to say anything, ever. 
• Going to the doctor or dentist with her requires an iron will, Olympic sized bribes that never ever work which result to physically restraining her*
• *because that doesn't traumatize her at all and won't lead directly to the aforementioned fear of her being afraid to tell me anything.*
• *and that leads me to sobbing into my drink because OMG I hate that struggle so much and I do not know what to do so I cope by drinking and sobbing and questioning my entire ability of being a mom.

Uhhh, yeah. The irony here is that my child is willing to literally die on the health hill. Yeah.      

White privilege

So. Yesterday.

• White people took selfies while they terrorized the capital to keep the incompetent authoritarian regime in place. 
• Black Lives Mater supporters were told to leave their phones at home so info could not be used to be arrested later while they asked for people of color to not be killed for being black.
• An orange con man used his global platform to incite violence and encourage a riot.
• A black football player used his platform to direct attention to systemic injustices and was fired.

In general white people can:  

• go jogging (#AmaudArbery).
• relax in the comfort of my own home (#BothemSean and #AtatianaJefferson).
• ask for help after being in a car crash (#JonathanFerrell and #RenishaMcBride).
• have a cellphone (#StephonClark).
• leave a party to get to safety (#JordanEdwards).
• play loud music (#JordanDavis).
• sell CD's (#AltonSterling).
• sleep (#AiyanaJones)
• walk from the corner store (#MikeBrown).
• play cops and robbers (#TamirRice).
• go to church (#Charleston9).
• walk home with Skittles (#TrayvonMartin).
• hold a hair brush while leaving my own bachelor party (#SeanBell).
• party on New Years (#OscarGrant).
• get a normal traffic ticket (#SandraBland).
• lawfully carry a weapon (#PhilandoCastile).
• break down on a public road with car problems (#CoreyJones).
• shop at Walmart (#JohnCrawford) .
• have a disabled vehicle (#TerrenceCrutcher).
• read a book in my own car (#KeithScott).
• be a 10yr old walking with our grandfather (#CliffordGlover).
• decorate for a party (#ClaudeReese).
• ask a cop a question (#RandyEvans).
• cash a check in peace (#YvonneSmallwood).
• take out my wallet (#AmadouDiallo).
• run (#WalterScott).
• breathe (#EricGarner).
• live (#FreddieGray).
• ask someone to put a required leash on their dog in the public park we are in (#ChristianCooper).
• BE ARRESTED WITHOUT THE FEAR OF BEING MURDERED. (#GeorgeFloyd)

White people don't become hashtags. And if you refuse to see the issue with this... Look, I'm not calling you a racist. But after yesterday's failed coup d'état and you still won't admit to your own white privilege and accept and/or support ingrained racist policies that villainize a black person's existence... Well, your racism is showing. 

Word Fun (but not really)

One of the two mass shooters* in the past 24 hours had the gall to post online their own racist manifesto before his killing spree. As if his diatribe is important. As if he is important.***

***Nope, not even. Fragile f*cking insignificance is more like it.

You know who else had a manifesto? Hitler. And there was a whole world war declaring that nazis are bad and they lost. The WHOLE WORLD.

So I am breaking down the word manifesto. Ahem. man - i - fest - o

• man: young white male
• i: self-important = hubris
• fest: fester
• o: cutesy sanitizing ending

So in conclusion - a "manifesto" is: a white young male's festering hubris. 

Choke on that.

* I. AM. FURIOUS.**
**for so many reasons

1. that this is another mass shooting and it won't be the last.
2. the inaction of thoughts and prayers.
3. the senate doing nothing. 
4. fragile masculinity and the patriarchy continuing to get away with actual murder. 
5. the NRA's propaganda. 
6. fill-in-another-abhorrent-reason here. 

Waiting on my Book Deal

All library workers are writing the Next Great American novel as we sit around and read all day. True fact. Now, I have no disillusions my book will be the Next Great American Novel, but I do have over-inflated sense of importance that the world needs to hear my musings so I am absolutely deserving of a book deal. For these 2 reasons:

Reason 1: I have a blog. And I started my blog at the tail end of men everyone with a blog gets a book deal. And this blog has many, many components of a book deal. Such as:

1. It is about my real life exploits and I am an extremely relatable heroine/protagonist.
2. I express my opinions in snarky hilarious ways, because I write like I talk and I make people laugh All. The. Time. rehashing the aforementioned real life exploits. Whimsical loquacious bloggers get book deals.
3. It has a built in story arc of a book deal. (broken engagement→dating→meeting dr soc→ marrying dr soc→best/worst wife ever→pregnancy→mommy)
4. The built-in story arc from my real life exploits have made whyeverythingshouldbepink several 'types' of blogs that get book deals. While mostly a 'lifestyle' blog it also a 'dating' blog, a running 'fitness' blog, a dog 'pet' blog, a bubble of tulle 'bride' blog, a  married, pregnant lady 'personal' blog, and it's currently 64% hilarious/heartwarming/jerky adventures of my children (and the stockpile of drafts to prove it) 'mommy/parenting' blog.  And mommy/parenting blogs always get a book deal. 

But like I said, I started at the tail end of the blog = book deal. By the time I had the content and story arc of a book deal, that ship had mostly sailed. Maybe. Sigh. But!

Reason 2: Twitter. I mastered the art of eloquently voicing my thoughts in 140 characters or less without using text talk like an uncultured swine. I have been (and continue to do so frequently) tweeting well before everyone with a slightly amusing/witty/prolific twitter feed also receives a book deal. Plus now that Twitter allows 280 characters and I finally figured out how to put returns in my tweets, it's like I've been writing nothing but mini novels. Maybe the Next Great American Novel even.

So. With those 2 reasons I really can't help to wonder: Where is my book deal?

Old Wives Tales 2.0

We're waiting until Little Lion (or Crab depending when they are born*) to find out the sex of this baby. But just like their big sister, we have to rely on the old wives tales and speculate again.
*please just stay in until mommy's birthday kiddo!

Here are the 2018 old wives tales:

1. Sleep position: Sleep on my right side = girl, Sleep on my left side = boy
• I guess my right side more, because my back arches weirdly when on my left side. And once I'm on a side it's too much effort to roll over. But I'm actually most comfortable on my back. Girl
2. Nausea: Sick as a dog = girl. Happy no nausea preggo? = boy
• Remember my Long Jacket blog? Yeah. I was still sick the first trimester but it was a  different sick than my first pregnancy. That one I would puke at dinner time without fail, but this one was far less puking. (yay!) However overall I had a gross cloud of nausea all the time. Girl
3. Food cravings: sweet cravings and citrus = girl. Salty cravings = boy 
• Salt. OMG the salt. I'll still have a sweet tooth, and I like my orange juice in the morning and lemonade all the time. But for a while there I wanted nothing but chips and I may or may not have contemplated pouring the salt shaker directly into my mouth a few times. Boy
4. Food again: If you crave meat it's a boy. If you'd rather not: girl.
• Little Turkey I had a big meat aversion so no deli meat and soft cheese was no big deal. This pregnancy: I have never wanted that turkey sandwich I'm not allowed to have more. (still no love for soft cheese though) And hot dogs? Yes please (just nuke the hell out of them (or "forget" that guideline like I did because dammit I'm growing a human and I will eat what I want) Boy   
5. Soft or dry skin: soft = girl, dry = boy
• Dry. Dry, dry dry. I swear this kid is sucking all the moisture out of me now mater how much water I drink. Boy
6. Girls steel your beauty, boys enhance 
• I'm breaking out more than usual, but I actually put on makeup for a while there. And I've been told I'm "absolutely glowing" on several occasions. So I say boy because people tell me I'm pretty.  
7. Graceful swan= girl. Clumsy = boy
• Bending is highly overrated. Boy
8. A fuller full face = girl. Normal face = boy
• A little fuller but not like a puffer fish fuller. I've had mostly a normal face.  Boy
• I may have just asked my coworkers this for clarification and they all said "uuuh...normal?" So there may be some bull shit in there but I'm taking it.  
9. Moody? = girl. Even keel = boy
• Would it be considered moody if you don't give any fucks? Yeah when there are feels I have all of the feels. But mostly I've just given zero fucks for almost everything. Boy 
10. How I carry the belly: high = girl, low = boy
• Right right in the middle again. Neutral 
11. How I carry the belly "sports" edition: cute round basketball shape belly = boy. Not as cute wider pointier football shape belly = girl 
• Adorable basketball belly. Boy
12. Weight gain in the front = boy, weight gain that spread out = girl 
• I don't have ankles anymore. My wedding bands came off the first trimester. And my little sister's maternity pants are snug because I will always be taller and older. Girl. 
13. Conception age and the year are both even or odd = girl. An even/odd combination = boy
• I became pregnant at 35 in the year 2017. So two odds combo is a Girl
14. Heartbeat: 140+ = girl 140- = boy
• Most heartbeat readings have been less than 140.  Boy
15. Mommy's dreams: whatever you dream you're having-that's it.
• Somewhere in my nightly bat-shit crazy dreams I dreamed boy. Boy

So in the girl column we have: 4
And in the boy column we have: 10
And neutral for shits and giggles : 1

So...guess we'll see soon enough no matter what!

The One

For the record: I do not believe in "the one." Neither does my husband. And as of today he has been my husband for 6 years, and we're still counting. But anyway, I still had a pretty good feeling about dr soc pretty early into our relationship. We just...worked.

But there are two distinct instances when I was pretty much: this is my husband.

The first one was when were texting a lot (and we still do - only now it's more "we're out of milk" and "has the toddler pooped yet?" and fewer flirty "forget your pants" but those still exist) and I realized he really didn't use text talk, one of my biggest pet peeves. (omg I h8 the u 4 u with the 🔥 of 1000 ☼s) My heart skipped a beat I thought: oooo I'm keeping him.

And the second is when he said he had absolutely no desire to go camping.
I was done. I knew: I'm going to marry him!

Happy Anniversary my dearest!

Salty

I've been craving salty things more this pregnancy which makes me think this baby is a boy. But we'll find out soon enough one way or the other.

Anyway here are some of the other things I'm salty about :

• my house not having air conditioning because it's builder grade and the builders were dipshits with shoddy workmanship and didn't give a damn about actual living conditions
• the darling furnace growing in me tossing around all it's bony parts and causing general uncomfortablness  
• my allergies acting up and not being able to take a damn bit of the good drugs
• my husband not having to get a TDap shot for either of my pregnancies. (I'm really salty about that one)
• the mommy wars
• seeing all the Woodford Reserve at the Derby and knowing I can't have any for a while
• having the pee all the time
• the patriarchy
• racism
• sexism
• being thirsty all the time and so totally bored with water
• the hypocrisy of the GOP
• people not using their turn signals
• internalized misogyny  
• autocorrect 
• autotune and theses not singing just stupidly talking which is not singing on popular radio
• people (gleefully - I might add) telling me I'm getting bigger
• anyone invading my personal bubble
• my body being up for public discussion
• toxic masculinity
• being hungry all the time and not wanting any of snacks I brought
• bending
• people assuming I'm an invalid and incapable of doing anything because I'm pregnant
• people not helping me even though I'm pregnant - I want to sit and don't make me run around 

Why didn't she...?

In the past year alone these are the powerful men who have been accused of sexual assault:
The Hollywood squad:

1. Harvey Weinstein -Hollywood power producer sexually harasses/assaults/rapes women for 30 years
2. Bill Cosby - America's favorite dad serially drugged and raped for (again) years
3. Nate Parker - Upcoming film maker acquitted of rape 
4. Casey Afflect - *sexual harassment settlement from 2010 won the oscar this year  

The Fox "News" (or rapist news network) crowd:

1. Bill O'Reilly - Fox news anchor 
2. Roger Ailes - Fox news founder and CEO (may he rot in hell)
3. Eric Bolling - Fox news host 

The CEO bros:

1. Travis Kalanick - Uber founder and CEO (was forced to resign after fostering toxic work culture) 
2. Antonio Marquis "LA" Reid - Epic Records CEO
3. Bikram Choudhury - famous style yoga guru

The tech industry dudes:

1. Chris Sacca - early investor of Twitter, Uber & Instagram
2. David McClure founder/manager venture capital firm 500 Startups
3. Jason Caldbeck - co-founder/manager of venture capital Binary Capital
4. Mike Cagney Sofi CEO 

And politicians

1. Anthony Weiner - sexting a minor next to his own child, the FBI tossed a red herring so the next slimeball on this list:   
2. Trump - grabbed women by their p*ssy and became president. 

And this is just a list of rich and/or famous douche bags that have been called out, after multiple victims have come forward each time with more and more egregious corroborating stories. This doesn't stop dick pics. Catcalling "should be considered a compliment." About 60% of sexual assaults are even reported, let alone someone being held accountable for a crime. A victim is a victim, no matter the sex, gender identity, race, age, relationship to someone, etc.
So why didn't she tell anyone? What were you wearing? Why are you only now coming forward? Why didn't
Stop.
It's not why didn't they....fill in the blank.
It should be:
Why did the assaulter feel it was their right in the first place?     

Another

Another mass shooting domestic terrorism.
Another lone wolf  white male.
Another toxic masculinity mental health status question
Another assault riffle weapon of mass destruction.
Another "senseless" tragedy easy access to guns partial explanation.
Another cry for fruitless attempt at stronger gun laws.
Another "but not all/good gun owners" defense absolving responsibility.
Another minuscule blip in the NRA's rhetoric set of victims.
Another suspiciously quiet restrategizing from NRA lobbyists 
Another round of thoughts and prayers inaction.
Another round of finger pointing.
Another search for a silver bullet.
Another heartbreak.
Another family destroyed.
Another. Another. Another.

Wrong

What the ever loving hell is WRONG with the president? That man-child is:

• Stupid
• Ignorant
• Ugly (auto-disqualification for women-attack on looks) 
• Fat (another auto disqualification)
• Has absolutely zero empathy
• Insensitive
• Unaware
• Entitled
• Notoriously thin skinned
• An aggressive bully
• Xenophobe (that's a big word for racist so he might understand)
• Misogynist (another big word for women-hating*)  
• A sexual assaulter**
• A total creepster***
• Narcissistic
• Impulsive 
• Reckless
• Shallow
• A hypocrite

That cheeto is bat. shit. crazy. and has the nuclear codes. We're so fucked.

*except the daughter he'd date****
**but only models
***he called his daughter a piece of ass and would date her. 
****fucking creepster

Politicaly Correct

It irks me if I hear someone blame political correctness for inaction or judgement lapse. And it really bothers me when not being politically correct is considered something "refreshing."
Because here are a few synonyms for "politically correct:"

• Unoffensive
• Nondiscriminatory
• Unbiased
• Neutral
• Appropriate
• Nonpartisan

Think about it, something politically incorrect falls into one or more of these catagories:

• Offensive
• Discriminatory 
• Biased
• Charged
• Inappropriate
• Partisan

So you are politically correct by not using derogatory terms from antiquated times. You are also politically correct when you don't discriminate based on a person's protected class(es). Actually, just don't discriminate in general, that's even better. So being politically correct isn't really about politics. It's just correct.

Color Privilege

My daughter was handing me crayons and I was naming the colors for her along with my own little adages for context. For example:
Pink: this is mommy's favorite color.
Green: you're sitting on your green chair.
White: the color of privilege

Yup.
Because white people, white men, rich white men in particular, can be some stupid ass fools and do whatever they want (especially racist, sexist and ignorant what they want) and the rest of get to suffer the consequences. Because you know the white men aren't going to.

Yes, I know. Not all white people. Not all men. But lets review a few recent instances when white male privilege was totally a thing:

• Brock Turner (one of the whitest names I've ever heard btw) rapes an unconscious woman. Judge worries about the harm jail will have on him and not the victim of the crime he did. 
• Timothy McVeigh, Dylan Roof, and James Holmes are American terrorists, but lets talk about the mental help they should have received and not the victims they killed.
• The asshole in chief takes a "break" from his 18 day vacation from his own golf club to do part of the job he holds that he will never be qualified for. And he's going to start a nuclear war with N. Korea safe in his tacky gold leaf bunker while the rest of us grow radiation tails as we die a slow painful death in nuclear winter. 

But please, tell me again how white privilege isn't a thing.

Camping is Gross

I present a classic Spazella:
Reasons I _________ list:
So here is: Reasons I don't camp.

1. I have no survival skills. I would probably die.
2. I'm not going to sleep on the ground. Rocks digging into whatever body part they want and dirt? No thank you. 
3. I don't want to pee in the woods either. (I might feel differently about that if I was a boy and I could write my name in the snow.)
4. I pretty much hate nature. 
5. It's too quiet. That scares me.
6. It's too loud and full of nature noises. That also scares me.
7. Also, bears live in the woods. Bears will kill you.
8. No internets? Pass.
9. I have AAA for hotels. And even if I didn't - I would still hotel.

Beggars can't be Choosers

I was in the bathroom at work and the person in the stall next to me sighed heavily and made a comment about how nice it would be to have toilet seat covers.
I did not respond because:

1. I don't want to talk when I am in a public restroom.
2. I don't want to hear anyone else's commentary in the bathroom either.   

And my response to the comment wouldn't have been much help. See there are 20 branches in the system I work for, but my branch is one of the smallest and not affluent.  So if I had commented, which I wouldn't have because I don't want to talk or listen to anyone when using the bathroom, I would have said:

You want toilet seat covers? We don't even have a plunger 75% of the time.

Life truths

In honor of my 35th birthday, I present the life truths I stand by.

• A good pen will make or break your day.
• There is no such thing as a "quick trip to Ikea."
• You can never have too many coats.
• Never trust a female without female friends.
• Generic applesauce and oatmeal taste exactly like cardboard.
• Don't buy generic toilet paper. Ever.
• Always smell the milk first.
• Removing that stay hair bothering the crap out of you from your clothes is one of life's greatest victories.
• A person's use of spell check is a determining factor in friendship levels.
• Don't trust someone who doesn't have nice shoes.
• Pandas are assholes.
• White clothes are the ultimate stain magnet.
• Tupperware cannot be organized.
• Socks the dryer eats reincarnate as random Tupperware pieces.
• Wearing a dress or skirt with pockets automatically defaults to a good day.

The Patriarchy!

So if the past election and current president have anything to show it it that sexism is alive and well and the patriarchy isn't going anywhere for a while.

The (white, female) SNL writer who tweeted once about the president's youngest son was called out multiple times by multiple people. She:

• Acknowledged it was out of line.
• Apologized for the tweet.
• Deleted the tweet and her account.
• Was indefinitely suspended from her job.
• And people are still demanding her head.

A (rich, orange) businessman tweets "flaming hot piles of brain vomit" since June 2015 insulting 305 different people/places/things NOUNS (including: revered civil rights leader John Lewis, entire countries, the Associated Press, mainstream media (which made him famous in the first place) and Major League Baseball (possibly the most American thing there is)). He:

• Became the 45th POTUS.

So yeah, the patriarchy ⚑⚐⚑*waves flag*⚑⚐⚑

Miss You Daddy

Warning: this will get you in the feels

I... I miss my dad. So, SO much. 

 

I heard this song on the radio for the first time on my way to work and I started missing my dad something fierce and my heart just...ached. He's been gone for a year and a half now. There's a peace that came from knowing his time on earth was completely out of anyone's control. But even with that peace that doesn't mean grieving and missing stops completely.

Today you could say the simple reason I miss him is because he isn't physically here. But it's not just that. It's the culmination of so many other things his dementia robbed from us. Like:

• Time. As he declined time had a way of moving incredibly fast while simultaneously standing still. He missed meeting little turkey by a few months. Months. Months that went by in the blink of an eye but felt like my due date would never arrive at the same time.  
• Words. I emailed my parents a lot before moving to North Carolina with the mundane updates of my life. Turns out it was mostly my dad responding, so as he lost his typing skills (which were never that good to begin with) the emails stopped as well. What I would give to have one more response to my nothings again. And he was never much of a talker but everyone remembers he had the heartiest laugh. Him doubled over laughing at a sceen in Toy Story 2 is one of my favorite memories. I wish I could hear that again even if was because we were making fun of my mom. 
• Who he was as a person. I consider us lucky he never forgot who we were and that his personality didn't change him into someone mean. But seeing him struggle with numbers when he had a masters in math hurt. He was always able to comfort me with a tight hug, but as I became protective of him I was the one to comfort (I hope). And no one could talk my mom off a ledge like him, but his disease was the ledge.
• Him becoming the doting grandpa I know he would have been. He was looking forward to the days of "filling them with sugar then sending them home." He also wanted a grandson but so far neither me or my sister have accomplished that one. My kids will never get hug him though. But I'm so happy he was was able to hold and play with his fist grandchild. 
• Hope. He suffered from a degenerative disease and knowing that is the worst. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.    

I love you Daddy. I hope you knew that and I wish you were here. You live on in memories and stories, and you'll never be forgotten. But I miss you. I miss you a lot.