Monday, March 25, 2013

Pregnancy in a Post Pinterst World

First: I am not pregnant.

But everyone I know* and in the popular pins section of pintrest is. That or putting their bridal party in cowboy boots and/or holding assault riffles for a "cute/country/rustic" look. Which, stop it people. It's stupid.
Anyway, everyone on pintrest is either pinning tacky cowboy boots or cute pregnancy related things. Because now, to be pregnant in this post pintrest world you:
  • Need a creative pregnancy announcement. (It typically involves a sibling (or pet) holding a sign saying they are going to be a big sibling or a tummy shot with a bow and a due date. Though my favorite announcement is when the sonogram is imposed on the tummy picture for a creepy effect.) 
  • Throw an elaborate gender reveal party. (It's actually a sex reveal party, since gender is a social construction and sex is biological. You're discovering what parts the baby has, but "sex reveal party" doesn't have the same ring to it and sounds highly inappropriate when referring to babies.)    
  • Take a sexy but still classy maternity photo shoot. If you aren't feeling up for that you can do a family photo with everyone showing off their tummy while in awe of yours. Either one, you (or someone) must lovingly caress your belly. (I admit I want to do a weekly progression series myself, but there will be no touching of my tummy. Seriously, hands off.)
  • Have a tricked out themed nursery. Chevron seems to be the hot thing right now. Chevron is a fancy word for zig-zag pattern.
  • Put rubber duckies in the punch at the baby shower. (Seriously, why are there so many rubber duckies in the punch? It just blocks the way to the punch and that's a waste.)
  • Announce the baby's birth in either the same theme you announced the pregnancy and maternity shoot, or in a completely different cute and original way.
  • Once the baby arrives everyone is taking an artistic, beautiful black and white family photo. Or a funny black and white family photo. It's always black and white though.   
Oh good god. Being pregnant sound exhausting enough as it is. I told you pintrest was bananas.
*Seriously, everyone. 4 friends, my sister (!) and my next door neighbor. Everyone.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Some Rules Are Meant to be Broken

I don't pretend to have a green thumb, but I thought about trying my hand at a small little vegetable garden this spring. Just a little 3'x6' raised bed garden to grow peppers and a few herbs, and maybe a zucchini plant if I'm feeling particularly daring. Just so I don't have to spend a small fortune on fresh produce all the time (basil is expensive yo!).  I looked at a few gardening websites, learned the basic how-to's, and mentioned the idea to Mike. He was down for it. But then, recalling how bitchy the HOA was about the position our non-existent basketball hoop, he figured we should check the guidelines of the neighborhood just in case.

Section 2.12 Additional landscaping:
"Additional landscaping must be approved in writing by the MC (management company) using the application of exterior modification prior to the change unless it is within a 3 foot radius on the home. Gardens are not permitted."

However, I can totally have a trampoline as long as I apply for the application of exterior modification and place it in the center rear of the back yard. Which I learned from section 2.2 Backyard Play Equipment, Trampolines and Basketball Goals (the same place with the rules we so blatantly ignored with our non existent basketball hoop).

I'm so mad at the ridiculousness of it all I could spit. I can't have a small garden to grow food, but I can have a death trap (albeit, a super fun one) as long as I get the right papers in? I mean, really? WTF? Of course, now that I can't have one I want one really bad if only to piss the HOA off. I can do this one of several ways.
  1. Carry on with my original plan which was to build and plant the thing, and see how long it takes to get another nasty-gram. (If they are going to send another nasty-gram we better as hell deserve it this time.)
  2. Plant the garden along the entire back side of my house but only extend it 2'-9" from the house as to not violate the 3' radius clause. Of course, shade from the house isn't optimal for growing, but it's for the principle of it!
  3. Painstakingly detail the garden plans to the point of absurdity (for example: will be so many feet by feet, which is so many centimeters by centimeters and will be placed x feet and y centimeters from the house, top soil consisting of 10% this, 20% that and 70% so-and-so will raise no higher than 24" off the ground, etc.) Then apply for the exterior modification permit and have them approve the ridiculous. 
  4. Plant everything in flower pots and containers and cover my entire yard with those. Just don't move more than 2 to the front yard if they are dead. No ugly and/or dead plants in the front yard per hoa orders.
  5. Or, forget the garden and just bitch.
Options 2, 3 and 4 are more work that I intend to actually do. Option 1 is a viable possibility because I don't think any neighbors would actually complain over a vegetable garden, especially if we give them some of the results from it. And we could always go with a mea culpa and apply for the exterior modification after the nasty-gram. But it will more than likely be option 5, because it's just a small garden. But that doesn't make the situation any less ridiculous and me less bitchy about it.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Two Birds, One Stone

March is Women's month, but February is (women's) heart month. So there was this video circulating around the web of how to detect a heart attack that my friend sent us.
Good to know. Our reaction?

LB: If I'm having a heart attack, please call 911 instead of looking up "ladies heart attack" on webmd.
me: Is this when we do the face test? Or is that stroke? Did we ever figure out what the simple phrase we were going to use?
LB: FACE tests are for strokes. How about JAM (jaw, arm, muscle weakness) test for heart attacks. Unless you ladies can think of a better name.
Michele: I like JAM.
me: Hey, looks like we have our simple phrase now too! Good work Michele!
Laura: I laughed so hard I farted.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Wicked Hints

So, the fabulous musical Wicked is in Charlotte right now and I want to see it. Again, because I have already seen it twice, and it was fabulous both times. (Though more fabulous the first time because the tickets were a complete surprise and I jumped and screamed for joy when I opened them.)

Now I know better and that even if I dropped a million hints, my husband is male and more than likely wouldn't pick up on those million hints and "surprise" me with tickets. And even if he did pick up on them, he's not good at keeping track of my schedule (though that could work highly to my advantage if I ever need to get away with something...) so he wouldn't know when to get tickets w/out spoiling the surprise somehow. So if I want to see this musical, I'm better off just buying them myself and telling him when we're going.

Turns out of all the times it's showing, I can make about 3 of them. And of those three times the cheapest seats start around $60. Which, I like the play and all, but meh, I have seen it. So it's a moot point really. Oh well, I can still be a little disappointed I won't have a fun night out though.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


We currently have our 2 dogs and we don't want a 3rd dog. Seriously, no third dog. However, we do plan on getting another one after Bailey and Jules have left us. And Mike wants that future dog to be a puppy.

I do not want a puppy. Not now, not ever again after the wringer that is Bailey and I am adamant about that.
But! I do want a baby. And since everyone but me is having one (seriously), my baby fever has gone through the roof.  My husband is trying to tamp it down but he's pretty much failing miserably.

However, I have become somewhat addicted to pintrest (which I really should stop because some of that shit is bananas), and post bubble of tulle I have been looking at the animals page. And whenever I see a puppy picture too cute for words (so, you know, all of them), I squeal: "I want it! I want it! Let's get this one now!" Knowing full well that we are not going to get a puppy. Not ever, but especially not now.

Mike's reaction is always an emphatic: "NO."
So my reaction is always to fain disappointment with a sad: -sigh- Fine. But then I cheer up with a bright: "Oh! Let's have a baby then!"

I may be trying distract my husband from getting a puppy by convincing him to have a baby.
So far my plan is failing.