No Shame

In light of Robin Williams' untimely death, I'm going to "come clean" about my mental health.
I have been taking an anti-depressant for a full year now. The past 10 years I have struggled on and off with depression, and since the spring of 2013 I developed anxiety in addition to my depression.

I caught some breaks here and there in that life calmed down enough that I could breath. I've learned coping methods that weren't alcohol, berating others or thoughts of ways to harm myself. I was incredibly lucky to have support everywhere I turned. And I'm incredibly lucky that I was strong enough for at least one moment to reach out for help, and start fighting the fear, loneliness and emptiness that was my mental health. It took a combination of counseling, support, love, medication and work,  to become healthy again.

Suicide is not selfish, it is tragic.  It is not a ploy for attention, because all I wanted to do was become invisible. I was so ashamed of my mental health. My weakness. The fear my entire world would crash into oblivion and not take me with it, leaving me alone to...I don't even know. At some point, I had to be brave and change the scary landscape I lived in. There wasn't a specific catalyst, but something pushed me to do so. Because it doesn't just "get better." It takes time, and a lot of work to heal.

There will always be moments and triggers that may upset me and set me off, but I cannot control those. I can only control myself. And I will not be shamed, I will not hide from this.

Get. HELP. There is no shame.    

Helpful

My husband and I met our niece 2 weeks ago and she's absolutely perfect! She's little and snugly and I never wanted to put her down. But as much as I wanted to do nothing but hold and stare at the baby, I also wanted to help as much as a I could while there. So I cooked for 6 people (my parents were there at the same time). Or at the very least picked up fast food lunch for everyone. I went to the grocery store for some supplies and picked up some special tea for my sister. I learned how to change her cloth diapers (fortunately for me none of the ones I changed were gross poopy ones!). But what I didn't expect to do was help with the nighttime feedings. Baby and mommy were having a hard time getting the hang of nursing, so baby had lost enough weight that she needed to feed every 2 hours and to supplement with formula if she didn't latch on.

The night we flew in my sister had 4 guests in her home, her husband is working through that particular night, a baby that needs to eat but is having a hard time, and she's getting about 4 hours total of broken sleep. My poor little sister was just exhausted and stressed. As I listened to her talk about the difficulties of feedings,without a second thought I offered to help with them through the night. While I couldn't do anything with the actual nursing, I could get the supplemental bottle ready while she tried to start nursing, and I could wash anything that needed to be washed so Amy might be able to get a few more minutes of sleep. If nothing else, I could just be company. She did try to give me an out by warning me that it really was every 2 hours, but I was there to meet the baby and to help in any way that I could. So she took me up on my offer, and the look of relief on her face made me happy.

Oh god it was exhausting! I got up at 2, 4, 5 and 7am, got a bottle ready, brought the baby to Amy, fed and burped her if she didn't nurse, and then washed everything afterwards. And I only did this for one full  night! The next night I helped with the 2am, but daddy took over the 5am. I can't imagine how difficult this is every night. But as tired as I was, I wouldn't have changed a thing. And I'm not telling this story for a ticker tape parade and I'm not looking for anyone to give me praise. But it felt so good to help. That's all. It was nice nice to help.

Savannah Here I Run!

So, y'all I ran my 6th half marathon on Saturday. I finished with a time of 2:17:15, not my best time (2:05:00), but not my worst time either (2:28:something). I wasn't trying to win the thing, I didn't come in last, so I'm nothing but happy with it.

I signed up to run the the marathon in Savannah like I did last year, but I just wasn't training for a marathon right. With starting grad school and the two library jobs at the same time, I wasn't really making an effort to train for a full. I didn't want to do a marathon unprepared knowing that if i did I would hurt just as much* as I did last year, so I decided to drop to the half distance when I still had the time to do that training right.

Except that I didn't train for the half that well either, what with the working (almost) full time and going to grad school full time. I still got some but not nearly enough practice runs in to stay in runner shape, but the longest long run I did was 7 miles. But! This was my sixth, so even though I knew it would hurt, (and it does**) I still knew I could still finish. There wasn't a mental hurdle for me to cross, and that was good.

And I have to say, I love race day. I love the energy, the excitement just before the starting gun (or air horn in this race) goes off. I love the yells, cheers and signs of support from the crowd. I love how complete strangers support each other through the race, pushing each other on and offering words of encouragement  I'm not a super fan of the hurting afterwards, but eh, comes with the territory. Like I said, I'm very happy overall!      

Six halves! Go me!

*I couldn't walk. My husband (then fiance) had to carry me to the bathroom, and due to our strict closed door policy, I was sooooo screwed when I was done because I had to figure out a way to get to the sink to wash my hands, and then not only get to the door but somehow open it just so he could carry me back to bed.
**Not nearly as bad as last year though. I can still walk, which my husband has stated he likes it when I run halves better than a full since he doesn't have to carry me.

Proud

So. Like I said in my last post, I'm in grad school and I'm busy.  But the work isn't hard, it's just time consuming. I don't have tests, just lots of projects.  The most recent one I just turned in was 2 short videos of me talking and demonstrating how to use a database for one of my classes. My husband was asking about them, and as I started to explain them, I realized it would be easier to just show them to him. So without any hesitation I pulled them up and he watched my presentations.

And I realized after he viewed them that I would have never done that with my design work. I was never really that proud of my work in general, and certainly never proud enough of my work to show it to anyone, let alone to anyone I love.  And while these two five minute presentations aren't exactly the same thing as a quarter long project, there I was, perfectly comfortable showing my work to the one of the people that I love most in to world.

I'm proud of my work. I've found what I want to do. I'm really happy I'm there.

Easiest Job Search

So. I got an additional library job. No biggie.
--snort-- I'm totally kidding y'all this is a huge 'effing deal for me!

The librarian at my husband's branch heard that the circulation manager at UNCC needed some part time non (UNCC) student (I'm UNCG). She thought of me, I gave her my resume to forward along, and I just accepted the job a few hours ago! Easiest job search yet!
I immediately went down the chain of command squealing my news. First Mike, then my mom, my sister (via gchat) and then twitter. And then I emailed my new boss at the public library with my new availability. Fortunately, the academic library job has set hours, and my public library job will work with me.
THANK GOD.  I can do both! And go to grad school! And quit my retail job!

Things are starting to really, truly line up for me right now.  I'm in school to start my career, I have not one but 2 jobs in places I want to be.  I don't want to be boast too much because I don't want to jinx any of this. But I do feel like I can breath a little easier now!

Woot!

I'm going to work for the library again! I'm going to work for the library again!! I'm going to work for the library again!
Squeeeeeee!
So, anyway, I had an interview last week and I felt really good about it.  Actually really would get a job out of this round of interviews feel good about it. If you were one of the lucky ones who would be offered a position, the library would give you a call. If not, you would get a letter from HR.

I got a call :)

After accepting I immediately started jumping up and down and squealing. (of course I did).  And I wanted to share the news with everyone. But! My husband wasn't home yet because he was still teaching. And I figured this was the kind of news he should hear from me first and not via social media. (Though I'm totally going to tell him I'm pregnant via twitter when the time comes) Calling his office wouldn't do me any good since he was in a classroom, not to mention he would then have to go back to his office and check his voicemail which would add more time, and he turns his phone on silent when he teaches so texting him the news wasn't going to expedite the mass amounts of squeeing either. 

HOWEVER! I could text him to tell him to call me asap since I had good news. Yes! Brilliant! This is exactly one of the reasons I work at a library, because I can come up with brilliant plans like this!  So after squirming with excitement for an agonizing 15 minutes, he called, I squealed my good news. Then I promptly told my sister via gchat and called my mom.  Then to the interwebs! 

I guess you can tell I'm happy huh?

Resolve

In 2010 my resolution was to graduate college. Which I did. In December.
In 2011 my resolution was to get into grad school. Which I did. Also in December.
Nothing like waiting until the last minute I suppose. 
So for this year, 2012, I'm just resolving to walk the dogs more.  That'll work.
Happy New Year!

Jack of all trades, Master of none

Except. That I am going to get my masters!

My grad school letter came yesterday, finally!  After 3 phone calls and a billion nerves wasted, I was told that a decision had finally been made.  I just had to wait for the letter since they couldn't tell me over the phone.  I honestly wasn't expecting it to come after the new year with most of the staff at the school off for the holidays, but I was oddly settled and ok with waiting since I knew the decision had been made.

The letter came yesterday.  And I'm in!

Provisionally, but I'm still in.  And I'm classified as out of state too.  But I'm still in.  Mike and I will take a closer look at everything and figure out the logistics of everything soon.  What I may end up doing is deferring a semester so my residency status can change. I may go part time for a little and take a little longer to get the degree.  But we'll figure that out soon enough. Right now, I'm just going to enjoy that I'm in, and have pride knowing that I will get my masters.

Pretty good Christmas gift!

My First Marathon

I did it! I really did it! I ran/walked 26.2 miles through Savannah, GA on November 5, 2011 . 
Holy crap I DID IT!!!!

My official time was 5:06:22, and it being my first, that makes it a personal best for me.  And I am ridiculously proud of myself.

I started out way to fast so I couldn't keep my pace for the entire race.  I was keeping a really good pace of about a 9:30 mile, but at mile 14 I knew I had to start walking.  I tried to start back up running every so often, but my legs were so tight and my feet were so tired that I could never manage more than a quarter of a mile running and never picked my pace back up. 

But I kept going.  I kept focusing on moving forward, walking long strides, and never stopping.  Because I knew if I stopped, even for a second to stretch or go to the bathroom, I wouldn't have been able to keep going.  And really, I just wanted to finish.  I think I had just passed mile 26 when i saw my sister in the crowds, running towards me and then she fell in step with me.  And it was almost too much for me, being so close and in so much pain.  But she told me I could do it.  That I would be done in 2 more minutes, and I could do anything for two more minutes.  And even though I had been telling myself over and over through the race, I can do this, I can do this, hearing someone else tell you that makes it more believable.    

In the post race glow (also known as sweat) with my finisher's medal around my neck and wrapped in my mylar blanket I was leaning on Mike to help me walk back to the hotel.  I gleefully exclaimed that now that I have done a marathon, I never have to do one again and that I can actually say I prefer to run halves.  Which is true. Training for a marathon is hard and I don't know if I can manage that every year. But then today a coworker asked me how was my trip and what was my time, and all that other race stuff.  I told her my time and that it was a personal best for me.  And then, the next thing out of my mouth was: "but I'll do better on my next one!"    

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

This was how long my hair was at noon today:

Long and healthy.  It's been growing out since January 2009. 

 And this is what it looks like now!

Cute and summery and swishy!

I lopped off  10 inches and plan to donate it.  This will be my 3rd time doing so.  Now my only question is should I donate it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths or Locks of Love?  Sick kids or sick women?  Tough call.
Well, I think I'll go with Pantene this time like I planned and then next time I'll give to Locks of Love. 
Swish!

Marathon Reality

I just signed up to run my first Marathon. November 5, 2011, Savannah, Ga.  It's a Rock and Roll series race, so it should be a lot of fun.
Umm, yeah, I'm nervous.  But hey, I'm going to do it!
So. Savannah, here I run!

Half Wrap Up

So, I just found out my results.......
2:05:00 on the dot!  That's a 3 second improvement and I have a new best time!
So I didn't finish under 2 hours, but I'm super ok with that.  My overall pace was a 9:35 mile, which is about right and what I figured  since I knew I ran a 10 minute mile the first 3, a 9 minute mile the next 3, and then a 10 minute here, a 9 minute there.

We were literally trying to outrun the severe weather that was sweeping towards the east.  The race day weather contingency plan was that the race would go on rain or shine, but if there was thunder and lightning the start would be delayed.  If the delay lasted long enough so that the time span on the road closures ran out, the race would be shortened to a 10k.  Fortunately, mother nature wasn't slated to throw a tantrum until 10 am, so most people would be finished or close to it by then.  It's actually just starting to really storm this minute, so looks like all of us runners caught a break on that one. 

Not that the weather was beautiful.. By no means did we have optimal running conditions.  There were a few rain showers and some wind, which blew (oh! pun! hehe!), but it wasn't pouring the entire time so I didn't feel soaked, and I wasn't running head first into the wind all the time either.
 

action shot dr soc took of me a few seconds before I crossed the finish line

This might be the worst shape my body has been in after a race though.  I'm physically tired which is to be expected.  But this is the first time I've gotten blisters on my feet. My 10 mile training run I got two small ones on both arches and they hadn't healed fully.  So I re-irritated the area and now I have a big 'ol blood blister, but just on one, so phew.  It's not pretty, but walking isn't an issue, so it should heal in time.  My toes hurt a little but I expected that since that's status quo for me.  However, my sports bra, which I've never had any problems with, decided it would choose today to chafe.  So that's not the most pleasant feeling.  My final post long run woe is my sentiments towards the training gels: Oh running gels, you are my running's friend but my intestine's foe. (I went with a carb boom this time, so it's mainly discomfort and not the feeling of my intestines being shredded)

But, hey, I just ran and finished my 5th half marathon.  Fifth!  I have a new best time!  I'm still going to do a marathon next spring, and I'm ready for that.  Go me! 

New Years Resolutions

So a few days late but meh.
Last year I made a New Years Resolution I didn't post just in case it didn't happen.

Graduate.

And I did. Yay me! And I decided on grad school, and took time off my halves. So I accomplished my goals. Go me!

But it's a new year and time for new resolutions. And for 2011 they are:

1. Get into grad school
2. Break 2 hours for a half marathon (and thus start training for a full).

I probably could list more things, but 2 is good for me since I can't remember anything more than 3 things at a time. After that my head gets all 'splody.

Double Dipper

Want to hear what an awesomely good person I am? Cause I am.
I was able to give blood today so woohoo! The last time I tried to give blood, my iron was high enough but my veins wouldn't cooperate. I think I clotted too soon and the blood center couldn't get a usable donation from me. I was pretty miffed after all that.

Well, anyway, today got my butt to the blood center and my iron high enough to give. And the whole drive over to the blood center, I'm saying to myself, I will give blood today! I will give blood today! I will give blood today! Little engine that could style. And it worked because not only was my iron super high enough, my veins were cooperative and the vampire had no problems finding, sticking and getting a donation from me.

Being super please with myself, in that I was able to donate and that I didn't get dizzy, I also decided to forgo the t-shirt you get when donating. Those proceeds (or whatever) from the shirt goes towards the Salvation Army. With the move happening in 2 weeks (eep!), I don't need another t-shirt that I won't wear that often. And it was the nice thing to do too. I also had the option of movie passes, but they are only good at one theater and had to be used within the next week, so I didn't really want those either. So I donated twice today. I'm an awesomely good person.

Then I spent the next hour traipsing down the aisles of Liquor Barn and bought a case of wine*. So much for that avoid strenuous activities and no booze for 12 hours!
*Yep. Twelve bottles of wine.** Heavy stuff yo.
**Though in fairness, they are all gifts.***
***Three of them just happen to be for me.

Walking

Yesterday I walked across the stage at UK's December graduation and received my (long-awaited) BA.

Wait, my BA? How many of you are confused because you thought I had a degree? Well, here's what happened. Despite the years, the work and mental breakdowns, my cumulative gpa (from the years of work) was just a smidgen to low to actually receive the interiors degree. I walked at uc's graduation and found out 2 weeks later I didn't. By then I didn't have the strength to fight for it, mostly due to all the years, the hard work and mental breakdowns in addition to loosing 95% of my work 2 weeks before everything was due.

So if I told you I graduated, I was flat out lying to you. (I never lied on job applications though) I usually said I finished uc. Because I was finished. I was finished with that school, finished with all the courses and ridiculous demands, the design under the threat of death, the city, the constant feeling of inadequacy and the power that school held over me for a stupid fancy piece of paper. Finished. Done. I had been humiliated enough over the years. I could not go back to that school for anything, and I certainly was not going to grovel for something they didn't want to give me anyway.

It has undoubtedly been the most shameful thing in my life. But I went back to school. A new school, a school where I fit in and fit me a whole lot better. And I did ok. I may even say I did more than ok overall one day.

But as far as commencement went, UK only offered on ceremony in May. They never offered a December graduation until this year, and when presented with the opportunity I was really unsure if I wanted to walk. Because I have walked before. Sent the announcements. Had the pictures taken. And then....failure and shame. Despite my family's wishes, I still wasn't sure, because they will never understand how awful this could be for me. I know my mom wants her pictures, but I prefer to not have my humiliation frozen there on the mantel.

I mulled it over in my head for a while and decided to walk, even though I knew it would bring up bad and unsettling memories. I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy the ceremony fully, knowing that it can and has been taken away. And that I'm still uneasy about it and I'll feel a lot better about the whole thing when I get the transcript or coveted fancy paper. But I also walked because I knew I'd regret it later if I didn't. Also to get my mother and sister off my case. I walked for the other students who didn't get this ceremony. And I wasn't going to shun the university who will award me a degree and let the one that didn't think I was good enough win. If I didn't walk, uc still wins over me.

So fuck you uc. You don't get to tell me I'm not good enough anymore. And I'm not letting you bite any more of my moments. I walked. I win.

**12/20/10 All my grades have been posted, my semester gpa is a 3.1 and my cumulative a 2.9. I really did it!

Feminism

I decided I wanted a career as a librarian. So, yay, career!

But truth be told, I don't want my career to be my life. I don't want to work more than 40 hours a week and I don't want to take my job home with me. I have no desire to climb any type of corporate ladder. And I don't want to constantly hit my head on the glass ceiling while doing so.

So I picked a more family friendly career. Because that's ultimately what I want, my own family. I do want both, the career and motherhood. I don't want to have to choose between them and I'm grateful that I don't have to do so like I would have had to in the 1960's. I do want everything. I just don't exactly want it the way feminism tells me I should.

And you know what? I don't feel bad about that.

Secret Agent

Due to the f*ckin horse games (dr soc's term, not mine btw), Lexington is doing a crazy mad rush to clean for company. This involves demolishing decrepit buildings (then never building the 130 story hotel/condo monstrosity because the mystery sole donor died and didn't leave a will. The whole Center Pointe thing didn't have "sketch" written all over it at all.), ripping up sidewalks to bury power lines, and bottle-necking all of downtown traffic to re-blacktop most of it. (In my opinion, blacktop/asphalt laying is one of the worst smells in the world. The mere thought of it makes my stomach churn and the instant the smell burns my nose I have to fight the urge to throw up bile. Ugh!)

Needless to say, getting to and from work for me is nothing short of a clusterfuck. The other day I was leaving a busy part of town for another busy part of town, so I gave myself plenty of extra time to get there. However, since there was only one lane of traffic for 4 lanes, it was still gridlock. After calling the desk to let them know I would be late even though I was within spitting distance but stuck in the mess they could see our windows, I realized where I was and what time of day it was too.

I was right outside the Annex Garage (on MLK) and it was just after 5. So not only is parking free there now, the gate's up and no one's there to collect tickets at the exit. And what's better, is that this garage exits onto Water Street, which is the street that I turn onto to get into the garage I park in for work! Realizing this before I pass the turn into the Annex garage, I quickly flip my turn signal on, and turn left before the light changes and traffic stars coming directly head on. I twist through the garage, exit exactly where I knew I would, and a hop, skip, jump and 2 turns later, pop into a parking space in the library garage. I made it to work only 15 minutes late instead of a half hour, so it was a win.

And I totally admit, I felt incredibly crafty and slightly secret agenty after that moment.

Run Sarah Run!

So. I completed my 2nd half marathon (4th overall) of the season yesterday!

My time was 2:12:58. Phew, just under 2:13 (I don't like 13), and better than I anticipated, because I was thinking I finished about 2:15.

While that's not my personal best, I'm happy with everything overall. The weather was great while I raced (the marathoners and half marathoners who were still running 40 minutes after I finished... there was a tornado warning and they had to finish in the pouring rain). Not going to lie, it was a hard course for me. I didn't train for rolling hills, (that's a my bad) and it was a packed race so I had to do a lot more bobbing and weaving when I had to get around people.

But the crowd support was amazing! The volunteers who passed out water/cyto-max (Gatorade wanna-be) were every 2 miles or so and they cheered the entire time for everyone. There were gels at mile 11 (I passed since I already had one at mile 7 and I didn't want to have stomach issues the rest of the day), a fruit stand passing out bananas, apples and oranges around mile 5, medics handing out gobs of Vaseline and other stuff (I was so happy for them, my arms were chafing), cheerleaders from the local high schools at different parts of the course, music stands about every 3 miles (it's music city, makes sense really) tons of "go so-and-so" signs, and plenty of local spectators who just came to watch, cheer and give a random high fives without anyone in particular to cheer for. I don't think there was a quite portion of the course.

So it was a ton a fun, even if my time wasn't my best. I'm pretty happy with everything.
Wow, I just completed my 4th half marathon! God, who would have thunk?

And the results...

So the half this morning...

There was rain. Sideways rain, sideways because there was wind. And rain + wind = cold. I had to pee the last half of the race. I couldn't feel my fingers the entire race. My feet were wet, and by mile 4 I couldn't tell if the water on my skin was sweat or rain (it was not sweat fyi). The course wasn't spectator friendly, so there was very little cheering and that was a bummer. I did see my family twice and that was nice. By the time I crossed the finish line, (woot!) all I wanted was a bathroom, a banana and a hot shower. I didn't have any idea of my time, and I didn't really care to find out at the moment.

Honestly, I wasn't too happy with the whole experience right after.

But I got home and took my shower looked up my time. My goal was 2:20.
my results...

2:05:03

Oh. My. GOD! Two hours. Five minutes. Three seconds. Mother fcker, that's awesome! I rocked it!
And suddenly, I was very very happy.

And now, I nap. Or get a pedicure. Whatever. Go me!

Plyo-what?

Plyometrics. Or as I have been known to call them: the jumpy thingys. By training these muscles, you increase your overall performance level somehow. I honestly don't care what they do, I just think they are fun. It's a series of platforms at varying heights, and your goal is to jump on them.

They look deceptively simple, but once you try them, you'll see they take a lot more work then you originally imagined. The higher the platform, well, the harder the jump. It takes a decent amount of control and balance to spring however many pounds you are and land. And if you miss, it's going to hurt. There are 4 different heights at the gym, the little one being 6", the tallest is 24" I've seen people (guys) stack the little ones on top of the big one to get more height. It's 'effing impressive. I unabashedly stared with my mouth open as he showed off.

But anyway, back to me. I can do the first 3 heights pretty well. The third one can be tough sometimes though. Sometimes I can crank out 8 rapid fire, and sometimes after 1 I know it's a lower box day. But one of my goals is to get that high box.

I decided today I would try. And I did it! I jumped 24 vertical inches! I stood in front of that thing and stared at it for a long time, concentrating like there was no tomorrow. Because it honestly scared me. I knew if I missed, it would royally hurt. And I said so out loud, not caring who heard me (the gym was busy). I put one foot up there just to see if I could and lifted myself up, then jumped down. Did that with the other foot and jumped down. Stared some more. I put my finger tips on the box for assistance to see if I jump both feet up there. Jumped down, resumed staring contest with inanimate object. I took a deep breath, I turned to a good song, crouched, and then straitened. I said forget the ipod and repeated the crouch and chicken out, 2 more times. And then I did it.

Three times, just to make sure it wasn't a fluke. The 2nd time I did graze my knee on the lip of the box, and that's gonna leave a mark, but I still got up there. That's right kids, I did it, I jumped 24" into the air. I was having a go me moment like you wouldn't believe.

Added 2/28/10: I'm a dirty lier. the tallest box is not 24" but 30". Yesterday I was stretching and I counted the cmu blocks and realized the 3rd level one was 24" so the taller one had to be 30". I'm even more proud of myself now! (and then I did it again to to make sure I could too)