Miss You Daddy

Warning: this will get you in the feels

I... I miss my dad. So, SO much. 

 

I heard this song on the radio for the first time on my way to work and I started missing my dad something fierce and my heart just...ached. He's been gone for a year and a half now. There's a peace that came from knowing his time on earth was completely out of anyone's control. But even with that peace that doesn't mean grieving and missing stops completely.

Today you could say the simple reason I miss him is because he isn't physically here. But it's not just that. It's the culmination of so many other things his dementia robbed from us. Like:

• Time. As he declined time had a way of moving incredibly fast while simultaneously standing still. He missed meeting little turkey by a few months. Months. Months that went by in the blink of an eye but felt like my due date would never arrive at the same time.  
• Words. I emailed my parents a lot before moving to North Carolina with the mundane updates of my life. Turns out it was mostly my dad responding, so as he lost his typing skills (which were never that good to begin with) the emails stopped as well. What I would give to have one more response to my nothings again. And he was never much of a talker but everyone remembers he had the heartiest laugh. Him doubled over laughing at a sceen in Toy Story 2 is one of my favorite memories. I wish I could hear that again even if was because we were making fun of my mom. 
• Who he was as a person. I consider us lucky he never forgot who we were and that his personality didn't change him into someone mean. But seeing him struggle with numbers when he had a masters in math hurt. He was always able to comfort me with a tight hug, but as I became protective of him I was the one to comfort (I hope). And no one could talk my mom off a ledge like him, but his disease was the ledge.
• Him becoming the doting grandpa I know he would have been. He was looking forward to the days of "filling them with sugar then sending them home." He also wanted a grandson but so far neither me or my sister have accomplished that one. My kids will never get hug him though. But I'm so happy he was was able to hold and play with his fist grandchild. 
• Hope. He suffered from a degenerative disease and knowing that is the worst. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.    

I love you Daddy. I hope you knew that and I wish you were here. You live on in memories and stories, and you'll never be forgotten. But I miss you. I miss you a lot.

Saying Goodbye

For my best friend
From the Muppets Take Manhattan. 

Saying goodbye, going away

Seems like goodbye's such a hard thing to say.

Touching a hand paw, wondering why

It's time for saying goodbye

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?

Makes us remember the good times we've had

Much more to say, foolish to try

 It's time for saying goodbye

Don't want to leave, but we both know

Sometimes it's better to go

Somehow I know we'll meet again

Not sure quite where, and I don't know just when

You're in my heart, so until then

Wanna smile, 

Wanna cry

Saying goodbye

La la la, la la la la la

It's time for saying goodbye

Goodbye my dearest, dearest Bailey. Thank you for being my best friend the past 6 years. Thank you for your unconditional love, fierce loyalty and unwavering support. I'll never forget you and I will always miss you. I know you'll love and take care of your new family as much as you did me.  

I love you, forever. Goodbye my Bailey. Goodbye.

I love you too Momma. I love you too.

Nothing to Report

The way I found my dog trainer is that I work with her mom. So on occasion Jamie will call the desk looking for her mom and we'll chat for a few minutes about the dogs. And right now, there's nothing to report. They are getting along fine. They don't play together, but since Mike tenses up and expects the worst to happen if they get close to each other they don't get the chance to play even if they wanted. But right now, they're just there, co-existing in the same house. They're not challenging each other, resource guarding or jockeying for the dominate position. They're just, there. They're just being. They go to "place," they walk on their pinch collars. They "sit" and "down" on command, and if they don't on command they get a pop with the pinch collar until they do. Usually reaching for the leash to pop is enough to get a compliance, but Jules still occasionally throws a fit if you correct her. Stubborn little ass that she can be though, she's no match for my bitter determination. The other day I even took them both for a short walk by myself. And nothing happened. There's really nothing to report.

And I almost hate that because it makes giving up my best friend Bailey seem that much more ridiculous and this heartache that much more unnecessary. But what does that matter? It doesn't lessen my grief in any way, turns out it exacerbates it. The one thing I want most of all there's no hope for. Which is why I'm so defeated and don't have the strength to fight for her anymore. It's the giving up on a nothing to report perfectly normal nothing extraordinary (but extraordinary to me) dog that hurts most of all. 

Dogs Know

After seeing Bailey on the couch on one side of me, Jules came over (and after being invited) curled up on the other side of me. Having a dog on both sides use to make me melt and be so utterly happy with life. This time I just burst into tears.

Because dogs know. Dogs know who to respect, who they can boss around, who will let them get away with shit, who likes them, who doesn't, and who to suck up to. Dogs know.

Bailey knows that I love her and that will never change. But Bailey also respects me. Jules knows I don't care for her like I use to, but it doesn't really matter because she can get away with anything with everybody except the dog trainer. (Who Jules bit by the way, because the trainer dared to correct her.) I don't hate Jules, but I really don't want to like her either. I could care less about her misbehaving and even if she does I don't dare say anything out of fear of loosing my head.

And she knows that. Dogs know.

Lack of Silver Linings

I'm looking forward to some very bright spots in the next few months, mainly weddings and lots of babies (though none of them mine). I'm super excited about these. But they don't relate to any of the dark clouds in my life and won't do much to pull me out of the factory of sadness and woe I'm going through.

I'm stressed with school. I had to drop a class this semester because I couldn't keep up with the work. And on top of that I'm easily distracted from the work that I can keep up with. This semester ends soon, but a week after that I start summer classes that are even more fast paced and intense. And the week after summer classes I start fall with another very full, very stressful schedule that I have to get done in order to graduate by May 2014. I want to have a baby in 2014 but I don't want to have one when I'm trying to finish grad school. I mean, if happens it happens, people have babies/children while they are in school all the time and they make it work. And I'm not opposed to being pregnant that last few months of school, imagine how cute and happy I'd be waddling as I receive my masters. But I can barely keep up now and I've already deferred a semester before, and I know myself well enough that if a newborn is added into the mix I'll crumble due to me already being stretched too thin. And I cannot crumble when I'm a mom.

But having a baby means I'm going to need maternity care somewhat soon. And insurance companies don't start coverage right away and don't always pay for anything when you actually need it. So when I actually need maternity coverage in a few months, I need to add maternity care to the private plan that I have now. Except my private plan doesn't have that option, and there's only one semi-affordable private plan with a different company out there that does offer it. And the problem there is that the company that does offer maternity I already applied to right after I was married. They kept my info and approved me for coverage, but then they lost the application and froze my account, so I never actually received any coverage in general. And because of my frozen application, I can't apply with them again. Seriously, I tried. That was the reason I went with the company I'm with now. I could get a job that offers benefits, but those are really hard to get in general. And right now I work full time between two part time library jobs that I really really like and had a very very hard time even landing in the first place, and I don't want to leave either one. There was a small hiring frenzy for full time staff a month ago for one of the systems that I work for, and I was impressive enough to interview for 2 of the positions, but not impressive enough to actually get them. And now the rest of the full time positions that I applied for have been frozen, so there's no longer any opportunities to grow. I know how lucky I am to be where I am now, and I know it is incredibly ungrateful for me to feel stuck in a holding pattern.

But the darkest cloud I'm in is over loosing Bailey. Dreading isn't a strong enough word and I can't find the words to describe the amount of pain and hell I'm going through. I wish she was gone already so I didn't have to live like this. But what I really wish is that I could change the past and not saved her 5 years ago. I wish I had understood unconditional love and that I had the strength to let her go then. Even when Bailey is living happily ever after somewhere else, her memory is everywhere. And I don't know how well I'll be able to move on from this loss when it does happen when I still have to live with that other dog rubbing salt in my wounds.  

And I know this is life, it moves on, time heals and all those other cliche adages people are so found of saying when you are grieving are true. But I don't want to be told to cheer up. I don't want to be comforted as I cry. I don't want to be fixed at the moment. I don't want to talk to anyone either because the last time I went to a counselor they said everything my husband wanted to hear. And while I will be genuinely happy when I need to be, I don't have much of a silver lining to look forward to. I. Am. SAD. And I get to be that way for a while.

The Biggest Looser Is Me

I am finding Bailey a new home.
For real this time, I've put up ads for her on both my work/staff blogs and my trainer has put her on their facebook page. I've got coworkers asking their spouse's coworkers and friends asking friends. It won't happen overnight, but Bailey won't be my dog for much longer.

The back story: the dogs got into a fight while they were being boarded at the trainers a few weeks ago. Bailey got anxious and started a fight with Jules, but they were separated and no one got hurt. Then Jules attacked Bailey 5 more times, and on that 5th time Bailey bit and stubborn little dog that wouldn't stop attacking went to the vet again. (She's healed fine now)  Mike has reached his breaking point. To make a long story short: Bailey and Jules don't get along 100% of the time. (Just Bailey and Jules, Bailey has played well with others) But when you combine the potential of a fight somewhere in the future with his always been a little scared of Bailey...she has to leave me. And I just can't fight for her anymore, I'm so tired. I'm tired of my husband being scared of my dog. I'm tired of him bringing up every single one of Bailey's past incidents as if I didn't know how he feels. I'm tired of the horrified looks if I say anything less than favorable about Jules when my feelings have been so deeply hurt over Bailey and on a constant basis. I'm tired of living in fear that I am going to lose her. I have fought tooth and nail for my dog, and I just can't do it anymore. I'm so sorry Bailey that I've failed you and it is absolutely breaking my heart.

My dog is not worth my marriage, but me giving her up is an enormous sacrifice. It's not fair but no matter what I lose. I still give up Bailey who I fiercely vowed to never let go again. If I make my husband give Jules away he resents and hate me. (I'm already resented for even thinking about it in the first place.) I didn't have to try to think of Jules as my own, and I wanted to love her as much as I love Bailey. She's likable and my heart grew to fit her next to Bailey. But now... because those 2 can't get along all the time, that dog has broken my heart and left an emptiness she'll never be able to fill. I don't hate Jules, though part of me wants to out of loyalty to Bailey. But I don't have to love her anymore either. She's just a dog that I have to live with now. I know when Bailey finds her new family she's going to be just fine. She may even forget me in time, though I'll never be able to forget her. Bailey's life will carry on and be great and that's what matters. Giving up a pet is a hard choice no matter who you are. But I wish I didn't have to be the biggest looser of everyone.