Monday, April 8, 2013

Lack of Silver Linings

I'm looking forward to some very bright spots in the next few months, mainly weddings and lots of babies (though none of them mine). I'm super excited about these. But they don't relate to any of the dark clouds in my life and won't do much to pull me out of the factory of sadness and woe I'm going through.

I'm stressed with school. I had to drop a class this semester because I couldn't keep up with the work. And on top of that I'm easily distracted from the work that I can keep up with. This semester ends soon, but a week after that I start summer classes that are even more fast paced and intense. And the week after summer classes I start fall with another very full, very stressful schedule that I have to get done in order to graduate by May 2014. I want to have a baby in 2014 but I don't want to have one when I'm trying to finish grad school. I mean, if happens it happens, people have babies/children while they are in school all the time and they make it work. And I'm not opposed to being pregnant that last few months of school, imagine how cute and happy I'd be waddling as I receive my masters. But I can barely keep up now and I've already deferred a semester before, and I know myself well enough that if a newborn is added into the mix I'll crumble due to me already being stretched too thin. And I cannot crumble when I'm a mom.

But having a baby means I'm going to need maternity care somewhat soon. And insurance companies don't start coverage right away and don't always pay for anything when you actually need it. So when I actually need maternity coverage in a few months, I need to add maternity care to the private plan that I have now. Except my private plan doesn't have that option, and there's only one semi-affordable private plan with a different company out there that does offer it. And the problem there is that the company that does offer maternity I already applied to right after I was married. They kept my info and approved me for coverage, but then they lost the application and froze my account, so I never actually received any coverage in general. And because of my frozen application, I can't apply with them again. Seriously, I tried. That was the reason I went with the company I'm with now. I could get a job that offers benefits, but those are really hard to get in general. And right now I work full time between two part time library jobs that I really really like and had a very very hard time even landing in the first place, and I don't want to leave either one. There was a small hiring frenzy for full time staff a month ago for one of the systems that I work for, and I was impressive enough to interview for 2 of the positions, but not impressive enough to actually get them. And now the rest of the full time positions that I applied for have been frozen, so there's no longer any opportunities to grow. I know how lucky I am to be where I am now, and I know it is incredibly ungrateful for me to feel stuck in a holding pattern.

But the darkest cloud I'm in is over loosing Bailey. Dreading isn't a strong enough word and I can't find the words to describe the amount of pain and hell I'm going through. I wish she was gone already so I didn't have to live like this. But what I really wish is that I could change the past and not saved her 5 years ago. I wish I had understood unconditional love and that I had the strength to let her go then. Even when Bailey is living happily ever after somewhere else, her memory is everywhere. And I don't know how well I'll be able to move on from this loss when it does happen when I still have to live with that other dog rubbing salt in my wounds.  

And I know this is life, it moves on, time heals and all those other cliche adages people are so found of saying when you are grieving are true. But I don't want to be told to cheer up. I don't want to be comforted as I cry. I don't want to be fixed at the moment. I don't want to talk to anyone either because the last time I went to a counselor they said everything my husband wanted to hear. And while I will be genuinely happy when I need to be, I don't have much of a silver lining to look forward to. I. Am. SAD. And I get to be that way for a while.

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