Saturday, May 30, 2009
I knew this would day would come. I knew it would hurt like fuck too. Right now I'm on the beach, far far away. I have a ton of books (plus re-reading all my Sookie ones) sunbathing, and probably (totally) judging people behind my sunglasses. I'm doing things that make me happy. So I'm trying to not go to the dark place. And I'm saying to myself, look at it this way, I haven't gotten married any other day of my life, so this isn't anything notable right? Right.
But I still get to be sad today. I'm sad that I don't get to wear my beautiful wedding gown today. I'm sad I don't get a champagne toast. I'm sad I don't get to say "I do" in front of our families and friends. I'm sad that I'm sad on what I thought would be the happiest day of my life (so far).
But I'm relieved I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life. May 30 2009 will most likely always strike a (dis)cord with me, but it will pass. And life goes on.
Friday, May 29, 2009
I woke up w/a headache. Obviously, I know why I'm dreaming this. And the week's almost over, I can get through this (baring no more old men tell me not to get married and make me cry).
But I can't help and wonder if he even knows what this weekend was.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
- Told a kid to get down from the railing mid hoist (the railing surrounds the atrium, a fall = broken bones (and maybe lawsuits))
- Later notice the same kid didn't have her shoes on.
- Shush the kid yelling at her brother "hush! Mom, make him be quite!"
- Later we had to tell those two to stop hitting each other
- Told two different kids (at least I think they were different) to stop running (but that happens nightly).
- And I got the snot annoyed out of me by a 7th grader (who probably weighs more then me).
Overall, it was just a loud night. And apparently, this is just a smidgen of what summer reading is. Thought I can't say I wasn't warned about the crazy.
Summer Reading officially starts Monday.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Today I was having a craving as I am wont to do (and will indulge myself as I am also wont to do). (Plus with the patience 5 year old, I do not do delayed gratification well). But I didn't say anything about having any sort of craving because I didn't want the preggo speculation comments. But if they knew what I was craving then I think it would pretty obvious I'm not in the family way. Because you know what I really wanted more than anything a few hours ago?
(Woodford Reserve on the rocks thanksyouverymuch. I may have the tolerance of a newly pledged sorority girl, but dammit, I drink like a grownup. (actual tweet from me))
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I know at times I've gone to work with my hair hastily thrown in a pony tail and little makeup. And honestly, I still do that on days I know I won't see library guy. But I don't mind really, I've always liked getting pretty and taking a little time to fix myself up. But there's one area that I absolutely credit to dating someone. I sure as hell didn't care if I was wearing cute underpinnings a few months ago.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Well anyway, I basically paid $20 to walk my dog around Keeneland (however we did not get to walk where the ponies walk like I did for my race). But it's for a good cause, and my dog gets to go on a w-a-l-k and meet other dogs. Win-win. Motion sickness pill ingested (yeah, I have to give Bailey a motion sickness pill for car rides. Seriously, I have a ridiculously "special" dog), we head off for the fundraiser. There were lots of dogs, all sorts of shapes, sizes, colors, and temperaments (it made me happy to see so many people had mutts). My dog? Is an instigator. She sniffs, licks, then runs away. Well, as far as she could run on her 6' leash (so not far).
God's little joke on all if us? Rain showers. You know what's stinky? Over 100 wet (but happy) dogs. But who cares, because my dog in all her excitement, now looks like this:
Sunday, May 24, 2009
"Where's the furthest you've been?"
He continues with traveling is amazing, and "the best thing is to travel to far away places. You want to know what the secret is for that? Don't get married."
Slightly taken aback, I shake my head and say, "you picked the wrong girl to say that to. God, so the wrong girl."
"Why, you married? Getting married?"
"Um, I was getting married this up coming Saturday. At the church literally up the road. I had the dress and everything"
He starts trying to back peddle and joke a little, but I'm clearly sending the please leave me alone vibe. Before he left though, he apologized and he felt bad enough that he bought my coffee. And I'm pretty sure his daughter was reaming him when they left.
I'm ok now, but it was odd. And a little unnerving.
Sigh, I just need to make it through this week.
Friday, May 22, 2009
"Hmm, could we use the substitution method? Oh I love the substitution method!
Oh wow, I'm a dork. No, wait. This is beyond dorky.
Oh my God. I'm a NERD."
Not willing to accept my nerd status fully, later that afternoon I decided to do my math home work while sunbathing. Because nothing thwarts nerdy like a tiny bikini.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
But even I know this: socks with crocs? NO
PS: '94 called, it wants it's flannel back
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I've gotten nothing but adviser stuff, project updates, security updates, normal college emails (and occasionally dirty spam). Nothing bad has come by way of this email account. But it's once bitten twice shy. I'm doing well in school this time, (first semester final grades: solid B average!) and I have to remember:
UK is not UC.
I have no reason to be scared of this email account. But there's some trepidation still. I have to will myself to check it at least once a week (when I admit to being an email junkie), and I get a smidgen nervous when I do.
Yesterday I sent an email to my adviser with good news/questions about my summer classes. And later that night I logged on to see if he had responded. He told me how to proceed with my scheduling, and wished me luck. All good/helpful things from there.
See? No scary.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Then it occurred to me, oh yeah, allergy season is upon us (and Kentucky is a hell hole for allergies). I typically keep a couple different types of OTC medication in my purse just in case. What kind of pharmacist/drug dealer would I be if I didn't? I root around in the darkness of my bag an pull out my little pill pack (It's brightly colored so I can find it faster). And along side my generic pain relievers, there's a generic benadryl and two unbranded white tablets in their blister packs. I knew that the benadryl would exhaust me even further that I already was, so I didn't want to take that. That left the two while pills w/no labeling. I flip them over to see if they have a their name on it, but the only words on the back of the pack were a few mgs of loratadine. Which sounded like allergy medication to me. So I shrugged my shoulders and without another thought popped one of them.
My face did stop itching, the nose crinkling stopped some, and my hair feels somewhat normal, so it worked from that stand point. But now I'm even more tired and I have a slight case of cotton mouth. So I'm pretty sure I took an allergy pill, I just have no idea which one.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Side note: I shop to conquer sale time. I will snatch things out from under you if I want it.
Remember when I said no one would feel sorry for me because my "skinny jeans" didn't fit anymore? And that my chest was a little smaller (cries)? And the other day I wanted to say I'm skinny because I earned it? Irony, apparently, had made me it's bitch. Because I did slim down everywhere. Except there. I did loose a band size, but...umm not so much the other part.
Since I can hold a grudge for-ev-er (I may have no idea why I'm mad at some people, but dammit, I was mad at some point and I'm going to stay that way! (hmm, this doesn't sound healthy...)), here's a little smirk in a particular direction.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Guy does a full body check of me. How do I know? Because he moved his entire head, and then stared at my chest (full coverage tshirt today people). Oh, and dude, I'm the one w/the sunglasses on, I can still see where your eyes are going.
I curled my lip in my snotty way and stepped away (there may have been a dismissive snort in there too). And there's the saying boys will be boys, and I know people will always laugh at dirty old men. But you know what? It's still gross and disrespectful.
**side note: pressing the button over and over does not make the light change any faster you ass clowns. The only thing it does is annoy the fck out of me and makes you look like a douche.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
But I am also a very messy cook. Very very messy. It doesn't matter ("one pot meal" my ass) I inevitably will use/dirty almost, if not every pan, knife, stirring utensil and get some sort of splatter somewhere(s). (I'm also a noisy cook, but I think that's just because I'm a noisy person in general)
Case in point: When I made dinner on Mother's Day, for the whole meal (Chinese BBQ salmon w/bacon) I dirtied: 2 frying pans, 2 mixing bowls, the broiler pan, a small sauce pan, a cookie sheet, the butcher and bread knives, both cutting boards, not to mention 2 wooden spoons, the kitchen tongs, 2 spatulas (one for raw meat, another for veggies) and a handful of measuring cups and spoons.
And that was just the cooking, that doesn't include the dinner plates and serving dishes either. However, dinner was tasty (the fish was a little over done though), on the table before 8, and came together quite seamlessly. And I got to try something out of the cook book I got my mom for mother's day (really, it was for me) Seduced by Bacon. And who doesn't love bacon? No one, that's who. Except vegetarians and the kosher Jews. But besides them, no one.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I'm tired of the Novocain, the whirring/grinding/god knows what else noises, the smell of burning (and wtf? why is that smell coming from my mouth?) my jaw being sore, and the bills I'm going to be paying for-ev-er on. And today we added an acrylic tasting to mix things up a little, because you know, all the other things are just getting too routine. I'm just tired of it all. I don't think my dentist is though, she's making a killing off me (and the rest of my family too, I bet she LOVES us). In all fairness, I do like her and I'm very appreciative that she always passes the scary tools behind my head or under my chin where they are out of my vision line.
I've seriously lost count of how many times I've been to the dentist in the past month. I'm on 5 or 6. (I can't remember if she did one or two fillings) But whatever the number, oh my god can we just be done already?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
And library guy (this is his code name now on, (better than calling him new guy)), finds my body incredibly sexy. Dare I say he finds me sexy. And frankly, I'm a little unnerved by that and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it. Which is so stupid of me! Because isn't that what you want someone to think of you? But you don't want "cute" in bed, you want sexy. You want the temptress and the sex kitten. And it's not that I don't want to be those things, I just think they're things I'm not quite. And even though he tells me the all right things, emphatically at times, I still get slightly anxious.
Because what if he's disappointed? Or worse, what if he already is? I know I need to put on my big girl pants and let things work out the way they should. But sexy isn't something that just happens, it develops. This isn't something you can't really fake either. And could you even do so when you feel so striped in the first place?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Before I finished the word tone, she cut me off and said I wasn't allowed to be a part of this conversation (being the skinny person that I am was heavily implied). It was said with a joking tone, but I think we all know it wasn't. And what's worse, is that even before I opened my mouth, I knew I should have clamped it shut. I blushed and looked down, embarrassed for being thin (and curvy in the right areas too). But then I started to silently seethe. Because here's what I wish I had snapped back at her:
I look this way because I have earned every pound I've lost. Physically and mentally I earned it. You want to train for a half marathon, then go for it. You want to break your engagement and stop eating, then go ahead. When you are so depressed you consider ending your life, (December was a bad month for me) and then decide that living, and doing it healthily is a better option, go for it.
I get to be skinny because I fcking earned it.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I will totally be able to do this mom thing. Please, it's not like it's hard or whatever. And clearly I am qualified to give parenting advice because I have no children of my own. Clearly. Right. I put almost everything in my planner, can you imagine the melt down I'm going to have when my kid doesn't puke on schedule? (it will be hilarious I'm sure). But once, I totally pulled a "mom move."
Bailey was still a puppy, (not even 6 months at the time), and we were at my ex's parents house. It was thanksgiving, so my almost-sister-in law-and her family were there too. We brought our "baby," and his sister brought hers too, only her baby was a real baby, a toddler at the time. The puppy, being a puppy, spazed at any given moment. And the toddler, being a toddler, toddled and poked things.
I had crouched down to hug/play with the toddler, but Bailey took that as a sign to tackle! and starts running full speed toward me. The baby is in between the puppy and me (like monkey in the middle, w/out any of that annoying tossing) and neither of them have any idea what's going on. The pup has no idea she's careening out of control and is about to bull charge the toddler, and the toddler has no idea she needs to get out of the way (plus, she lacked the diving skills). This was going to end in multiple fall down go booms. In one fell swoop, I scooped the toddler up onto one of my hips and out of the way, and Heisman-ed the charging puppy with the other arm. All from a Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon stance.
It took a nano second for it to register, but I thought, "whoa, that was a mom move." The toddler thought we were rough housing and squealing with delight, and the puppy is flopping around on the floor like normal, because well, that's just what she does. Fall down go booms averted. And for 10 seconds, I had the mom thing down. Clearly, this qualifies me.
But to my mom, you rocked it. And to all my friends who are mommies, you're rocking it too. Happy Mother's Day!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I leaned in really close to my coworker and murmured, that is not a cute baby over there.
She smirked and said: "It's amazing how judgy you are."
Is it wrong that I was oddly flattered? and then said, "yes. Yes, I really am"
And then I tacked on: "but I am not wrong about that" (inclined my head towards not-cute-baby).
And her snarky response: oh, no, "I'm not disagreeing with you at all"
We're going to hell.
Friday, May 8, 2009
One evening we were home together (how those stars aligned I have no idea) and the commercial for the semi-annual sale comes on the tv. He nudges my hip somewhat excitedly and ask "hey, you going?" And it sounds like a horn dog thing to say, but he knew that I enjoyed going to the sale for myself and that would cheer me up. But I just snorted and said, "no, I'm not wearing that stuff anymore, you never noticed it. ::sigh:: And I don't have the money to go either." My bluntness dumbstruck him, but he didn't mention it again. When my birthday came around a month later though, his mom and sister gave me a gift card to Victoria's Secret. And I found that... well, honestly, kind of creepy. Because I know they asked him what store should they get me a gift card too, so I know he told them how bummed I was about not going to the sale (I hope he left out the I haven't touched her in weeks and it's making her feel rejected part). So it was sweet that he knew where I wanted to shop, but still, underwear from your in-laws... And that they went ahead and got the gift card from there too... Why he didn't say books like he did the last birthday I don't know.
So I have this gift card burning a hole in my wallet, but I haven't been able to bring myself to go into that store in a long time. And this was a store that the sales girls recognized me and convinced me to get the credit card because I was in there "like, all the time." But when I stopped in there around Valentines' Day, I literally ran out less than 2 minutes later because I was super nauseous and on the verge of tears. "How far you have fallen" I thought as I choked back a sob.
But now, I think I can handle it again (having someone tell you you're beautiful helps). So as my last little bit of spite, I'm going to use that gift card and then some this sale time. I'm back Vicki! Did you miss me?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
About half an hour later my mom and I are waiting for our take out (she picked me up from campus) and I'm going over the test with her. I'm musing about that question and I decide to look up the answer since I have my book with me. I flip to the right chapter (and I would like to point out that the std's were listed in the male anatomy chapter - because boys are dirty), and I was right.
Delighted by my knowledge of stds and their prevalence I say out loud "woo hoo! It is chlamydia!"
And my mom jumps on the cheering bandwagon and says "oh good! Chlamydia for everyone!"
And now we can't stop giggling. Gee I wonder why?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
And besides, a true princess does not need to advertise that she is one. Her subjects know of her status and act accordingly; which is to indulge her every whim lest she be off with your head.
And I? Do not need to advertise.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
1) My friends' wedding anniversary, congratulations on 2 years you two (now 3)!
2) New Sookie Stackhouse book release!
3) The only day/night bars run out of Corona.
While some may be out for a night (or day) of debauchery, I won't be. I have a final tomorrow so my night is devoted to studying. And also, I'm too old for a college bar. Here's a refresher for you.
Side note: why do I always seem to catch the stupid on medical terminology test days?
I did the drinking Corona's/stumbling/dizzy/fall down go boom thing one year (actually, the falling part was a ploy to get a certain boy to hold me. Really, the bar itself was doing a pretty good job of propping me up (as long as it stayed put that is)). I was a college student, that's what you do. But since I'm pretending to be a grown up now, I would rather celebrate the bastardized Mexican holiday (it's not really Mexico's Independence Day people) in a more mature, subdued manner.
As so: getting blindly drunk on margaritas pool side, while a cabana boy brings me a different margarita as soon as I finish one (start with a traditional one (rocks, no salt), followed by a frozen mango margarita (amazing), then a frozen banana one (yummy), raspberry (happiness in a glass)...) and fetches me guacamole when I start getting snacky.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Of course now I can't feel half my mouth and if I smile I look like I had a stroke. Attractive! Hope I get some feeling back before I go into work and that it doesn't hurt to kiss new guy goodnight.
But I'm still not done! I need a crown for the tooth that had a root canal. I'm getting that next week, bright and early in the morning and then I think I'm done for a while. Good thing, I'm so tired of Novocaine and not being able to feel my lips.
Now excuse me, I'm going to wipe the drool off my chin and attempt to eat. Right, that's going to be f*cking ha-lar-ious.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I went yesterday and I ended up getting an inexpensive pair of running shoes to wear as every day shoes. I plan on walking in these things a lot, (mostly campus and work) and my other tennis shoes were getting pretty beat up, or had been designated my dog park shoes (for good reason). I was on a bit of a time crunch or else I would have tried on at least 14 pairs of heels that I didn't need but clearly wanted me to try them on. And that was hard to do, because at least 4 of those 14 pairs were screaming, "Sarah, Sarah, look at me! Look at me! I'm so pretty/sexy/cute!" (I hate it when shoes talk to me, it's so hard to resist) And don't get me started on the purses, if they had had the one I liked in pink it would have been so over (I settled for a new bright blue wallet though)
Seriously, what is it about shoes? I get bored running after 2 hours (though that's motivation to shave some time off the next one isn't it?), and I found sitting in bio class for half an hour (of the hour and a half it is) excruciatingly long. But turn me loose in a DSW, (or Victoria's Secret) and I will spend 2 hours traipsing up and down the aisles, deliriously happy, trying 14 different pairs of shoes and then wonder where my afternoon went.
I am such a girl.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Ok, so this may or may not be a big deal to some people, but to this Kentuckian, it is. Today is a sacred day here. I didn't truly appreciate the Derby for what it is until I went to college across the river. I was a little bummed because I couldn't make the traditional party my family always goes to and no one seemed to grasp why I was bummed about missing a horse race. Granted, someone did ask me what a derby party was and I said: "a grown up kegger." But that's beside the point.The Belmont and Preakness are highly publicized races too, but it's the Kentucky Derby that starts it all. And lets face it, if the derby winner doesn't win/race in the Belmont, no one cares since the Triple Crown won't happen (ps, that hasn't happened since Affirmed in 1978).
I love horse racing. Love it, love it, love it. (little tip: never bet on the horse I choose, 9 times out of 10, the horse I choose comes in last or is scratched before the race even begins). I'm amazed at how such a big beautiful animal is so amazingly graceful, fluid and powerful at the same time. This is their showcase. There's just nothing that compares to the Kentucky Derby in my opinion. To me (and many others), this is the most exciting 2 minutes in sports. I've never been to it though, but one day soon I will. I'll be wearing a huge hat and drink mint juleps (I love bourbon now, shut up), and enjoy it for it's splendor.
So here's to!