Taller and Older

When I lived in Kentucky occasionally I would run into people I had gone to school with (k-12) or they had worked or taught there. But as time goes on you forget names, so most people knew I was one of the T-girls, but couldn't remember if I was the big or little one. When we were kids it was easier to tell us apart because I was "taller and older." And for the record, I still am.

Fast forward to today. As grown adults my sister and I have very similar body shapes overall. (and similar styles too it seems since we both wore the exact same sweater from stitch fix at thanksgiving) Since I'm the first kid and the first granddaughter on both sides, I didn't get a lot of hand-me downs. And though my little girl is our first born she has 2 older female cousins who gave her their outgrown wardrobes, so most of her clothes are hand-me downs. When I visited my sister a month ago she gave me a bunch of her maternity clothes which is great because because she had summer clothes and baby 2 is due in July, aka peak-stupid-hot-summer. So in a little bit of role reversal, I was getting hand-me downs from my little sister. We're going through them and I held up a pair of pants and asked if they were capris from the proportions.

Her response: no, they're regular length, my ass just got that big. Holy sh*t my ass got that big?! (she also was the one to tell me to put coco butter there to minimize stretch marks) 

A week later I was wearing a different pair of pants from her and they were tight. So I texted her: I'm wearing the maternity khakis from you and they are snug. So even if your ass got larger when pregnant, know mine is wider. 😂

Looks like I'm always going to be the bigger sister!

Derby Pie

Last week was the first Saturday of May and that means one thing and one thing only for this Kentucky lady: The DERBY!!!!!!
I try not to pick a horse because that pretty much hexes them, but that doesn't mean I don't secretly hope one will win. (This year my secret pick showed (3rd place), so at least I didn't completely take away it's mojo. But the one horse/jockey that I really wanted to win...last place. :( sorry!). I've only been to the Derby once (best bachelorette party ever), but at least since college I have always, always made sure to watch it on, this year being no exception. I had some (a lot of) thoughts this year:

• I get that they need filler pre-race but what the hell is this simulated race analysis nonsense they are trying to do? Seriously WTF?? Don't they know there is no simulating the most exciting two minutes in sports?
• At least do another one of those "human/horse" interest stories if you need filler.
• Oh wait, nbc has the Derby and that means the human/horse interest story will most likely be done by... 
• Damit. I hate Bob Costas. 
• I wish the pinkeye that sidelined him in Sochi had stuck around to do the same for the Derby.
• Speaking of Sochi, under things that I do wish had stayed there: Tara Lipinski and Johny Weir. I just...yeah, no, I just don't care. I guess they were a hoot in Russia and with the color commentary and they have that Will and Grace thing going for them and all, and yeah the Derby is somewhat about fashion...But they should stick to ice skating.
• And by fashion, I mean HATS. It's mostly about the hats. The fashion is the accessory to the hat, Not the other way around.
• My Old Kentucky Home! I love that every year the whole nation sings my state song.
• Thoroughbreds are such amazingly beautiful animals.
• In the gate! In the gate! In the gate! Hold my breath...
• AND THEY'RE OFF!!!! Go baby go!
• I can't tear my eyes away for one second...oh there goes the favorite into the lead!
• More lead! more lead! go baby go!
• 2014 has a Derby Champion, way to go California Chrome!!!
• Seriously, you can't simulate the most two exciting minutes in sports. Don't ever do that again. 

  

Girl's Best Friend

My niece on my husband's side is 15 months old and she's starting to talk, but she isn't so much into the walking yet. Her main mode of getting from point A to point B is to scoot super fast on her butt, but sometimes she grapples along side a piece of furniture.

Well, over Christmas she and I were playing and we both had out hands on the coffee table. She grabs the center stone/halo part of my engagement ring because it has a high profile. Knowing she can't get it into her mouth (because that would involve removing it from my cold dead hand), I pull my hand away, show her my ring and say:
me: Look Ella! This is a diamond!
Ella: OoooOoooo!

Diamonds are a girl's best friend!  

Ren Fest

Y'all I went to my first Renaissance Festival 2 weeks ago, and I was ridiculously exited about it. I mean, epic people watching, all kinds of food on sticks, , crap crafts and jousting?! What's not to like? We had a buy one get one free admission ticket, so I figured what the hell, lets go check it out.  And I'm glad we had the coupon because $44 for 2 people to drive a half hour to pretty much people watch is a bit much for my preferences, but $22 for the both of us to do the same thing and call each other wench in public is more justifiable. You pretty much have to pay if you want to actually do anything. I expected to pay for food and any sort of artisan crap you want to buy, but $3-$5 to toss an axe at a target, shoot a cross bow with no fabulous prizes or for your kid ride the barfing boat? Nah.

But it was fun walking around outside and people watching. We skipped most of the food since it was a pretty hot afternoon and a flask of hot cider or gnawing a roasted turkey leg didn't have the same appeal as fair food usually does for me. There was way too much incense wafting from every artisan booth for my olfactory sense, but if we're being honest, pretty much any incense is too much for my tastes. And when did pirates become a Ren-Fest thing? I figured there would be a lot of corsets and leather wearing for those die hard fans, but Johnny Depp style pirates are not one of the first things that come to mind when I hear ren fest. But I guess with all the bawdy jokes, the amount of cleavage on display and the possibility of a nip slip at every turn, the pirates figured they wouldn't raise too many eyebrows. 

I would go back with friends to judge people, and only if we had a coupon. But all in all, it was a fun time. Huzzah!

Point of Clarification

Over Christmas dr soc and I were able to visit both sets of our parents, and my brother-in-law, his wife and our niece were able to make it to my in-laws the same time we were there for a visit. So some extended family were also over to visit and to meet the baby for the first time. I travel in yoga pants because they are comfortable and those are the only pants the baby has seen me in, but the last time the extended family saw me I was in a wedding gown.  When I realized this, I figured I better put on something a little less lounge around the house and a little more company's coming over.

me: Oh, people are coming over soon. I better put on some real pants.

--I change into an older (but still comfortable) pair of jeans. They just happen to have holes in both knees. I come downstairs in my new (old) pants. This was my mother-in-law's reaction upon seeing my jeans:

mil: I see you put on your nice jeans for us. 
me: Nope, I said I was going to put on real pants, not nice pants.

Fatten Up

Mike and I were watching the Panthers/Falcons game at a sports bar with some friends, and the Panthers made a play that the whole place started cheering and clapping, ourselves included. Then I hear this loud "PING" of some kind of metal hitting the floor, and out of the corner of my eye I see that that ping was Mike's wedding band FLYING OFF HIS HAND.

I see my husband leap up, his ring land under a bar stool, so I stand there and be helpful by pointing at it my mouth agape and clutching my chest. Within a matter of 30 seconds he has his ring back on his finger and he's back to sitting down, meanwhile, I'm still clutching my chest and nearly hyperventilating breathing a billion sighs of relief.

If this happens again we'll have to get his ring re-sized. Or I could just try to fatten him up by using more butter.  Either way it better not come off again!

Seriously

Michele: So, tell me about your classes. How many are you taking this semester again?
me: I've got 3 this semester. They're all online in a way, one's completely online and the other 2 we have a set meeting time online as well.
Michele: Wow, all online, that must be pretty convenient.
me: It is, I can read when I have time, and as long as I get things turned in before the deadline I'm good. I don't even have to put on pants to "go" to class! But I do. Because I can't take myself seriously without pants.

Pants Always Beats No Pants

I need new pants for work. I have a decent amount of dress pants, but I don't really need to go that formal for my jobs. (both of which I cannot wait to start) I have 2 pairs of khaki/twill pants that I could wear, but that's it, I have 2 pairs and I need to wear them throughout the week. I have some capris that work in the summer, but it's not summer anymore. Not to mention I'm still searching for comfortable yet professional shoes and not old lady shoes that don't pinch.

But I don't have the funds to fortify my wardrobe. And even if I did have them, trying to find pants that fit is a whole 'nother mater. Because I wear a 0-2, sometimes a 4, depending on the brand. And do you know hard that is to find that size in women's clothing? Yeah you can find them in the juniors section, but I am 30, and I am not shopping in the teenage section.

I know, the skinny girl can't find pants that fit her, boo-fcking-hoo. I'm sure there are many people who would love to be at my end of the spectrum. But all I'm saying is skinny people can have problems finding clothes that fit too.     

Smack talk

My neighbor had some friends over the weekend and they all brought their dogs over as well. Which, whatever, we have dogs, the neighbor has dogs and there's a fence to give boundaries and keep everyone with 4 legs and a wagging tail safe. 

When we let the dogs out after they ate, both Bailey and Jules ran to the fence to investigate the new people and dogs.  And Bailey's way of greeting (both dogs and humans) is a "bark head off first think later" approach.  Which riles up her sister, and now we have two spazztastic dogs who can't be distracted and won't come back to the house when called, even with the lure of tasty treats.   And two spazztastic dogs in full spazztastic mode can be somewhat dangerous because it has lead to fights and someone inevitably ends up hurt. So Mike and I navigate the minefield known as the backyard to pull the girls back from the fence and into the house.
So here we are, trying to get our dogs back under our control and we toss a hello to the people in that I would stop and talk to you but you can clearly see that I've got something else going on and you understand why we're not stopping to shoot the breeze sort of way.  When one of the guys sees that Mike is wearing a Browns T-shirt (which is the status quo here since that's 80% of his t-shirt collection), his way of greeting us over the barking and spazzing is to announce that he was going to invite us over to have a beer until he saw the Browns shirt.

Which, really? It's not that I don't get sports rivalries and that I've never teased someone based on their sports affection (case in point, my husband is a Browns fan, teasing is nothing knew here). But really, that's the way you say hello to people you haven't actually even met, sports ball busting? We don't know you, and he's a guest at our neighbors home with no real invite rights to begin with in the first place.

And while I know really nothing to get my panties in a twist about, I still thought that this guy using a sports jab in place of a hello made him an asshole.

Girl Power

mike: you're probably going to need a bigger suitcase for the honeymoon.
me: Really? I can fit a lot in this one.
mike: A week's worth of clothes in there?
me: Oh, well, now that you mention it... Clothes are no problem, but I do need to pack a lot of shoes, and those to take up a lot of room.
mike: What? How many pairs are we talking about here?
me: Well, beach shoes, tennis shoes, running shoes, flip flops, a pair of heels in case we go to dinner some place nice, spare shoes in case the tennis shoes get dirty... And then we have to leave room in the suitcases for chotchkies we bring back. good point, i probably will need a bigger suitcase.
mike: Um, wow. That's a lot of shoes.
me: you do realize you married a GIRL, right?

Iron

me: Oh shoot, I wanted to wear these shorts today, but the crease is so bad in the cuffs that I have to iron them.
mike: You iron?
me ::scoffing:: No.
mike: Which means...
me ::sigh:: That more than likely I'll never wear them again. Too bad, I really like these shorts.

Yeah, I don't iron. Apparently we have one, but I have no idea where it is, nor do I have much intention of finding it, let alone using it.

Chapstick

So, my bridal party was probably one of the weirdest bridal parties the salon had ever had.

• reason 1: I didn't want any glitter anywhere on my face, near me, or my posse. My bridal portraits/trial makeup run, the makeup artist used a glitter eyeshadow at first, which was just not me. And you don't want glitter/shiny makeup that day anyway because it can photograph weird.  And my face was just too "done" for the portraits. (in fairness to my makeup artist, I didn't have a good idea of what I wanted, and it's not her fault she couldn't create something in my head that I couldn't even explain) So wedding day, I brought my own makeup (with no sparkles), and (honestly) loved the results.
• reason 2: I was not a picky bride in the slightest. With the exception of the dress color and skirt length, I didn't dictate what anyone's look should be in general. When it came to hair and makeup, I didn't care what anyone did or didn't do, as long as they were happy with the result.  If they wanted an updo, they could have an updo. If they wanted down, that was cool with me.  I guess they are used to brides who want everyone to look the same so that the bride stands out more, but I figured my big white dress and overall giddiness would be enough for people to know who I was. 
• reason 3: We had to convince my mom to get her makeup done in the first place. So when she was done with her hairstylist and came into the makeup area, my sister and I both squealed with surprise and delight that she had an updo. (as far as I remember, my mom has never had an updo. I don't think I've ever even seen her with a ponytail)  She was so cute!  But she was thinking that she would do her makeup at home. I love my mom very much, but she doesn't do her own makeup well. (a good place to start would be if bought makeup that worked with her skin tone, and didn't just use whatever random stuff my sister and I have left behind) And this was a big event for her too (mother of the bride and all that business), and she had every right to go a little fancier than normal.  So after my sister and I told her to "just get a little something done," and the makeup artist said with fancy hair you need fancy makeup, she got her makeup done. Of course, having to convince her to get her makeup done in the first place, means she understated what she wanted makeup wise.  
• reason 4: We all super understated what we wanted. I warned my posse about trial makeup, so we were all a little wary of how heavy they put makeup on. We all know that you can always add, but taking away/toning down is much much harder.  Plus Priya and Jeanne had a male makeup artist who had a full face of makeup on himself.  And, while his makeup was beautiful, gay man logic implies our idea of full face of makeup was about 14 levels below of what his idea of full face makeup was.  You could tell all the makeup artist were reigning themselves in and tampering their own version of done, but the end result is that everyone liked what they had.    
• reason 5: LB doesn't wear lipstick.  She doesn't wear a lot of makeup in general, and when it came time to put the lipstick, the makeup artist was at a slight loss. 
• makeup artist: what do you wear on your lips?
• lb: chapsick.
• makeup artist: seriously?
• lb: yes
• makeup artist: Wow, that's a new one. We've heard 'clear,' or 'gloss' and even 'tinted lip balm'. But chapstick is a new one. That's going on our facebook page.

So yeah, we were a very odd bridal party to them I bet. But the end result was that everyone looked great, everyone was happy with what they got done, and the day was fabulous!

See? We all look so pretty!
And I think I stand out pretty well if I do say so for myself

12+ month pregnancy

me: What I learned on my run today: I definitely need new sports bras.
laura: Or you're prego.
me: Of course! You know what else I learned? Once you're married, your birth control stops working.
laura: And people accuse you of being pregnant all the time. True facts.
me: It starts when you're engaged. But if you tell people that your dress has no seam allowance for a baby bump, they stop for a few months.

Ring around the rosy

Some people opt to not wear a wedding band. Mike and I are not those people.
Now since I've been wearing my engagement ring almost non stop since I received it just over a year ago, my wedding band hasn't been too hard for me to get use to. Either wearing it or seeing it on my hand.  Mike however, doesn't wear any jewelry, so his wedding band is something I'm not used to seeing on his hand.
And let me tell you, (and I'll admit that this is the newlywed gushing here) every time I see his ring on his hand, knowing that he's my husband, my heart does it's own little happy dance.

Trendy

About a year ago Mike and I were ring shopping, so I figured why not tell this story now.
.
jeweler: which one do you want to see?
me: Can I try that oval one? With the halo?
me (to mike): I really like the halo....
jeweler: Of course. (like he would tell me no) 
The jewler points out a few other rings similar in style as well as a few different styles.
jeweler: what do you think of this one?
me: It's pretty, but I don't care for the 3 stone rings myself, it seems a bit...dated... for me.
jeweler: That's ok. They were popular about 10-15 years ago but not so much anymore.  You can bet that most women with a 3 stone ring got engaged then. They're somewhat time defining.
me: Yeah, I noticed that trend.  (Here Mike gets a look of holy crap she notices engagment ring trends? There are engagment ring trends?) Out of curiousity, what's popular now?
jeweler: the halo...
me: -snort-  Good thing I like it then!

Missing Pieces

coworker: --holding up what i think is a dress-- Where does this go?
me: --pointing to an area in the juniors section-- I think over there.
coworker: Thanks. It's cute isn't it?
me: Yeah. But where's the rest of it?

Let's just say it was a bit small.

The devil of bras

I primarily work in the intimates and accessories area of my store since I am the area supervisor. In layman's terms: I work in the bras and purses area.  Now, knowing me like you do, this is a good fit, since I like both underwear and (if in the mood that is) purses.  And I know the area really well. I know all the brands we carry, the general look and target market those brands, which bras come in which sizes (also related to target market), which ones have under wire and which ones don't, which ones have lots of padding and which ones have none, and occasionally I remember a few of the colors too. So I think it's fair to say that I'm pretty helpful in the area because I know my merchandise. 

But what I don't do, is actually make the bras. And if you are an odd size, I know it can be difficult to find something that fits because I've been there too.  However, I am willing to compromise on some things, like trying on a different color, or giving the under wire a shot. (Oh who am I kidding? I haven't forgone the under wire since college. Gravity won that war a long time ago with me).  I really can't help you find what you need if you aren't willing to give somewhere.

It's not my fault that i can't find the 42B wireless with no padding whatsoever in black the customer wants if no one makes that. (well, no one in my store makes that).  And merely suggesting trying on the white version of the bra they want just to see how it fits seems to be a declaration of war. And when you want a bra that had no shape to itself, it's typically not the prettiest of things either.  So I'm sorry that I can't find the cute shapeless wireless miracle black weird size to hold your average boobs and broad back up bra because it doesn't exist for you to try on at the moment.  But I'm not the devil of bras you make me out to be either. Just saying.

Known For

Because I wanted to avoid the middle school shuffle as our first dance, and Mike isn't the greatest dancer known to man, getting him to agree to take a few dancing lessons was not hard.  When we showed up for our first lesson, the very flamboyant receptionist squealed when he saw my shoes. 

We are not the first couple ever to take dancing lessons for our wedding, otherwise they wouldn't have as many lessons packages as they do.  And these dance studios have a decent amount of clients in general, so it's not out of the ordinary for them to not really know someone too well there.  But, when we walk in, and I have my pink shoe box with my fabulous pink wedding shoes in there, they remember me.

And I have to admit, I LOVE being remembered for my fabulous shoes!

Rude?

I'm at the alterer for my second fitting (squee!), and it happened to be a busy day for them.  So I'm standing there, in my dress like you do,  while my seamstress is pinning and measuring and color coding the bustle (heads up bridal posse: it's a 5(!) point bustle),  and another, older, lady walks in the shop carrying some white undershirts. She heads directly towards my seamstress, who is on her knees, pinning and measuring and color coding my bustle to talk to her.

The older lady first apologizes to me for interrupting and attempts to smooth over some things by telling me I look beautiful (which, yes, I do, but that's not the point right now). The older lady's husband is waiting in the car for her and that's why she can't wait for her (my) seamstress to be done with my fitting. She needs the neckline changed in the undershirts she's carrying for her husband who's waiting in the car asap since he just had a something-ectomy in his throat, so the crew neckline irritates him.

Which, I get that she's on a bit of a time crunch. And I have some time so I'm not rushed at the moment. But then the older lady keeps discussing the neckline, about what she needs, and how she needs it soon, all while my seamstress is still on her knees at my hem with my gown in her hands. My seamstress has to stop what she was doing to feel the shirt, explain something, and then finally send her back to the front desk to schedule the pick up time.  Then she can get back to the bustle of my dress which takes another 15-20 minutes to figure out, uninterrupted.  

I know that my wedding is not the center of anyone else's universe except mine (somewhat dr soc's but I think we know it's overall more my thing), and she did tell me I was beautiful which is the quickest ways to break down my defenses. But it still felt a little rude to just barge into my appointment time. My seamstress was clearly working with a bride (we don't just stand around randomly in our dresses (do we? I don't)), in the middle of something. And it wasn't like there weren't other people there who could help her either, she had to have my seamstress.  While I have just as much a claim to these ladies' time as anyone else, and everything got done for me in a timely manner, it still just felt a little rude.

Fred Astaire

Mike is a man of many talents. Dancing, however is not one of them.  He's not bad,  but he's not exactly Fred Astaire.  Anywho, by the time I realized this, I was way too far gone in love with him and just planned right then and there to take a couple of lessons for our wedding to avoid the middle school shuffle first dance.  So when there was a groupon for a few dancing lessons, and that the deadline to use it was right before the wedding, I snapped 2 of those up in a second.  And then once I committed to my shoes (more on those in a minute), I decided that I better book these lessons so we would have time to practice.

Tuesday we had our first lesson, which was fun.  Though I think I had more a little more fun than Mike.  He was fairly tense through the whole lesson because he was concentration so, so hard.  He can learn the steps and follow the beat, but I think he's more nervous than he's telling me (I can read your body language dear. After all, I have to learn how to follow you.)

But back to me. We walk into the dance studio and I'm carrying my shoes in their box.  The very flamboyant receptionist is super excited to see them, and asks if it's ok to take them out of the box while the groom is right there. I have no qualms about Mike seeing the shoes since they give nothing away about the dress, say sure and hand over the box.

He lifts the lid, pulls back the tissue paper and squeals "those are fabulous!" 
I didn't want to say this in front of him, but as we were getting in the car to go home, I say to Mike: When a gay man tells you you have fabulous shoes, your do indeed, have very fabulous shoes!