Saying Goodbye

For my best friend
From the Muppets Take Manhattan. 

Saying goodbye, going away

Seems like goodbye's such a hard thing to say.

Touching a hand paw, wondering why

It's time for saying goodbye

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?

Makes us remember the good times we've had

Much more to say, foolish to try

 It's time for saying goodbye

Don't want to leave, but we both know

Sometimes it's better to go

Somehow I know we'll meet again

Not sure quite where, and I don't know just when

You're in my heart, so until then

Wanna smile, 

Wanna cry

Saying goodbye

La la la, la la la la la

It's time for saying goodbye

Goodbye my dearest, dearest Bailey. Thank you for being my best friend the past 6 years. Thank you for your unconditional love, fierce loyalty and unwavering support. I'll never forget you and I will always miss you. I know you'll love and take care of your new family as much as you did me.  

I love you, forever. Goodbye my Bailey. Goodbye.

I love you too Momma. I love you too.

The Biggest Looser Is Me

I am finding Bailey a new home.
For real this time, I've put up ads for her on both my work/staff blogs and my trainer has put her on their facebook page. I've got coworkers asking their spouse's coworkers and friends asking friends. It won't happen overnight, but Bailey won't be my dog for much longer.

The back story: the dogs got into a fight while they were being boarded at the trainers a few weeks ago. Bailey got anxious and started a fight with Jules, but they were separated and no one got hurt. Then Jules attacked Bailey 5 more times, and on that 5th time Bailey bit and stubborn little dog that wouldn't stop attacking went to the vet again. (She's healed fine now)  Mike has reached his breaking point. To make a long story short: Bailey and Jules don't get along 100% of the time. (Just Bailey and Jules, Bailey has played well with others) But when you combine the potential of a fight somewhere in the future with his always been a little scared of Bailey...she has to leave me. And I just can't fight for her anymore, I'm so tired. I'm tired of my husband being scared of my dog. I'm tired of him bringing up every single one of Bailey's past incidents as if I didn't know how he feels. I'm tired of the horrified looks if I say anything less than favorable about Jules when my feelings have been so deeply hurt over Bailey and on a constant basis. I'm tired of living in fear that I am going to lose her. I have fought tooth and nail for my dog, and I just can't do it anymore. I'm so sorry Bailey that I've failed you and it is absolutely breaking my heart.

My dog is not worth my marriage, but me giving her up is an enormous sacrifice. It's not fair but no matter what I lose. I still give up Bailey who I fiercely vowed to never let go again. If I make my husband give Jules away he resents and hate me. (I'm already resented for even thinking about it in the first place.) I didn't have to try to think of Jules as my own, and I wanted to love her as much as I love Bailey. She's likable and my heart grew to fit her next to Bailey. But now... because those 2 can't get along all the time, that dog has broken my heart and left an emptiness she'll never be able to fill. I don't hate Jules, though part of me wants to out of loyalty to Bailey. But I don't have to love her anymore either. She's just a dog that I have to live with now. I know when Bailey finds her new family she's going to be just fine. She may even forget me in time, though I'll never be able to forget her. Bailey's life will carry on and be great and that's what matters. Giving up a pet is a hard choice no matter who you are. But I wish I didn't have to be the biggest looser of everyone.

Depends

It's incredibly depressing to say this, but it's true. I'm never going to be completely independent.
I know it's not a first world problem, and it's a pithy thing to feel down about.  And the fact that I've never been without support (financially, emotionally) is so rare and lucky and makes me seem incredibly heedless for what I do have.
My lot in life is by no means a bad one.  I have a roof over my head, people that love me, and I even have a job.  And my job isn't bad, but it's not my ideal and it's not my career.  The random hours are pretty rough on me, and I like my coworkers and the job itself.  And the glaring fact here is that I have a job which is which is more than many people even have. And here I am lamenting over that I'm not in the career I want and how I can't wait to start graduate school to get there.  A lot of people don't get the breaks I've had in life.  And I'm whining about it.
But I'm nearly 30 years old. And I've always been taken care of. First and foremost by my parents, and now my husband. And I get a lump in my throat when I face how far I haven't come.

Dependant

I may joke about getting used to rejection letters from jobs, but I'm never going to get used to it.  As more and more time passes between the time I recieved my degree and full time employment, I become more and more unhirable.  Yes, I have a part time job and I'm glad I have something and am making some money, but I'm still compleatly dependant on my fiance and my parents. How does that make a person feel good about themselves?

And as much as Mike tries to make me feel better about everything, he doesn't understand.  Even when he wasn't in a career, he was still in school working towards something.  He resigned a job with a horrible boss to start his shiny new teaching carreer in a shiny new city right away.  I don't begrudge him for having these good things because he's worked very hard and deserves them.  But he's not stuck in the shiny new house, in our shiny new city, continiously searching for a shiny new job to start my shiny new career, all while being at the mercy of other people's acceptance. 

But he just doesn't understand how hurtful it is to feel like that you don't matter.  The lump I get my chest as the rejection emails pile up.  To continiuosly come up empty on jobs that I am qualified for. To apply for jobs I'm only partialy qualified for, and then to not even be surprised when I am ignored. 
And even if things just snaped into place that I land a full time job, by the time I'd be on my feet I'll be married, and then dependant on my husband.  I'm never going to be a grown up.  

Throw me a bone

I got another rejection email.  Which I was getting used to because that's all I get from employers.  And to be honest you know going into these interviews that you are not exactly what they are looking for, or you don't have the right experience, or just something.  But this was an email for a bartending job.  A job that I do have several years of experience in.  I'm a pretty girl with a personality and I have bartending experience. There was no reason I shouldn't have gotten that job.

But I didn't.  Once again, I'm not good enough for something.  I have been told to try this field and try that field, and to look at this option and that option.  I know people are trying to help, but do they really think that I haven't done that already?  I have looked for 7 months in so many areas and applied to so many jobs that want a high school degree, or a degree in business and they all want 5-7 years experience. (How do you get 5-7 years mid-management experience at a Fortune 500 company when all you require is a high school diploma. Seriously, bullshit.)  I've applied for jobs I know I'd be great at and I didn't even get an interview or a thanks but no thanks for your interest.  So forgive me for not being enthralled to shift through the same job postings, only to apply for something I know I'm not going to get.

But not only did I not get this bartending job, I just got back from an incredibly tough week of looking after my dad and arguing with my mom about it.  Everything is happening so fast with him that I'm scrambling to catch up on years of denial.  I went to look at long tern care facilities this weekend and I had to go alone. (Another blog for another day).  It's just too much for me to deal with on my own, yet I had to.  And I was hoping that with all the lows of this situation, I could at least have something good happen to me.

I just want something.  I want my dad's brain to be fixed.  I need employment. I know the first ones not going to happen and it's only going to get tougher.  That doesn't leave much room for even more disappointment on the job front.  So if the second part of that would happen, I might actually have something to be happy about.

Twisted Emotions

Today is my sister's first wedding anniversary! Congratulations!
But since this is my blog, I'm going to talk about me.

Let me preface this with: on her wedding day, I was nothing but happy. The smiles in all the pictures are genuine and the tears on that day were because I was so happy for her. But the day before and after, I was nothing short of a mess. I had left my ex and moved home a little over a week before her wedding. And while I hadn't "officially" called off the engagement, I told family and friends who asked about my fiance that we were no longer together.

I was very torn those days. I desperately wanted to be happy and excited. But I was also wallowing in bitterness and confusion, as well as dealing with the loss of my fiance in addition to somewhat loosing my sister. I sobbed when I saw the chapel the day before. I sobbed right after the rehearsal in my hotel room. I cried silently in the shower the next morning because I woke up alone, and I knew I would be doing that for a long time.

But it was my ex's disregard to my sister's wedding that made me see how selfish he is and how deluded his priorities were/are. For his his sister's wedding 2 years prior, he asked people to cover my work shifts, begged me to skip class to make it to the rehearsal, and assumed my entire weekend was for his sister. And I was only a girlfriend at that point, I knew my place was to sit pretty, make small talk and be a gracious guest. For my sister's wedding, his future sister in law, he bitched to everyone that it was "taking away" the last 2 days of his vacation in Florida. He whined that he had to travel, to Baltimore, (he hates the Ravens so by default hates the city) and was going to miss the last two days of the aforementioned vacation. The vacation he goes on every year. With his parents. Who pay for the entire thing as well.

When I realized he felt this way, I was seething mad. In fact, I was flat out enraged. And at the end of a fight and in the coldest voice I have ever used, told him I didn't want him at her wedding. He was not going to ruin her day for me or her. And he could sleep on the couch that night.

Even though I knew I would have to deflect questions and I would be upset I was alone, him not going was the much lesser of two evils. Because he would have ruined it by being there. He would have sulked and pouted the entire time, and I wasn't going to placate him.

So while I was happy for her on her day and I say I'm over the broken engagement, I'm pretty upset this very moment. Remembering my anger, the disappointment and his selfishness.

It's unfortunate that I won't be able to remember the happiest day of my sister's life without some bitterness. But it is fortunate that it was a deliriously happy day and it's a happy marriage. And one day, mine will be to.

No bride here

Just breathe. Just breathe. Crap. It's here.

I knew this would day would come. I knew it would hurt like fuck too. Right now I'm on the beach, far far away. I have a ton of books (plus re-reading all my Sookie ones) sunbathing, and probably (totally) judging people behind my sunglasses. I'm doing things that make me happy. So I'm trying to not go to the dark place. And I'm saying to myself, look at it this way, I haven't gotten married any other day of my life, so this isn't anything notable right? Right.

But I still get to be sad today. I'm sad that I don't get to wear my beautiful wedding gown today. I'm sad I don't get a champagne toast. I'm sad I don't get to say "I do" in front of our families and friends. I'm sad that I'm sad on what I thought would be the happiest day of my life (so far).

But I'm relieved I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life. May 30 2009 will most likely always strike a (dis)cord with me, but it will pass. And life goes on.

My head hurts

So ex has been in my dreams the past 4 nights. I wasn't dreaming about him, but he was there. But last night, it was definitely about him. We were back in our old apartment, Bailey running around, and his family was hanging around too. I was wearing scrubs, so it was like we were in the same place from a year ago. I honestly don't remember what was going on in the dream, except that the wedding kept coming up. So much that I wasn't sure if I had called it off.

I woke up w/a headache. Obviously, I know why I'm dreaming this. And the week's almost over, I can get through this (baring no more old men tell me not to get married and make me cry).

But I can't help and wonder if he even knows what this weekend was.

Screw Baked Goods, I Need Something Stronger

I got an email from the ex. And while it wasn't mean/angry/immature like his previous ones, it still threw me for a loop. Lets just say, I'm going to need more then a pink frosted doughnut to get me out of this funk.
Stupid boy. This is why I want to go to drug making school, so I can self-medicate. Illegal? A bit. Do I care? Not at the moment.

Growing up is not cool

I go back and forth like a ping pong ball. When does it stop? I ask myself questions like: would he have moved to Lexington? Maybe. Should I have left him that option though? Maybe. Would he have been happy here though? Definitely not. Did we want the same things from life? Not at all. When said like that, it looks like a simple choice. But you don't just wake up one day and decide to leave everything and start over. You've swept all your doubt under the rug hoping it goes away. Ignorance can be bliss, but it's harmful too. At some point you have to put on your big girl pants, and say fuck it, I'll deal with it now.

I can air dirty laundry. I can mock his dreams openly and belittle him all I can to make myself feel better. I even went out on blind date, but I just wasn't there mentally. (sorry Mike, you're great on paper, but I'm a mess) I told the ex to never contact me again, because I can't deal with it (that he listens to). It's my way of moving forward inch by inch. I contacted old friends and started rebuilding my social circle here. I enrolled in classes and I got 2 new jobs. Forward, forward, forward. But there are some days that I simply won't be able to deal with. My wedding dress comes in January. What I'm going to do with it, I don't know. (please don't suggest anything, I have thought about what to do and I already feel bad enough, so stop trying to be "helpful." It's like pouring 1000 lbs of salt in the wound (almost MiL-that comment's toward you)) But I am not dealing with it until then. And my wedding day, I'm popping a Valium and/or drinking myself into a coma the night before. I don't even want to know that day exists.

I know I made the right decision, which is some sort of solace. But I hate that even though I'm no longer with him, I cannot get him out of my head. No matter how happy I am to be home, how excited I am to be going back to school, how many new jobs I start, and how much I think I'm ready to move forward, there's always this thought in the back of my head: "You are only doing this because you left him. Because you had to start over." Way to rain on my own parade. I have a hard time taking comfort from anything without marring it in some way. I hate that he can ruin things for me. I hate that I let him more. Where are my big girl pants?

manifesto type-ish thing

I’m smart, vivacious, fairly ambitious, and I’m on the shy side of 30. Not to mention I have enough charming personality for a small country, a sense of humor, I’m articulate, I have an overall happy outlook on life, and I’m a pretty girl as the clichéd cherry on top. Beauty and brains can coexist in a person. Modesty may not be one of my strong qualities though… You would think I’d be an uber-bitch, but I’m nice too. Really nice, card carrying member of the goody-two shoes club nice. So for all intents and purposes, I’m a freaking catch.

But I’m not that girl right now. I called off my engagement for good and I’m a bitterly disappointed broken hearted emotional mess at the moment. And even though I know it does get better, in fact it already has, you feel that your life sucks really bad. I am moving on and the proverbial other doors have been thrown open. I always believed the “it does get better” through all of this and that I did the right thing. My friends and family have been the support system I didn’t have in my former fiancé, and without them, I would be a lot worse. I’ve put on a brave face and smiled to the world, I’ve been genuinely happy when it counted. But the pain is still there. It’s not the anguish it once was; it’s subdued itself to a niggling part of everyday life. And as simple as it sounds to let go, it’s actually very hard. That pain, as irksome as it is, is all you have left of what you thought was your future. Sometimes, you just want to lick your wounds, cry the fat sloppy tears while sobs rip through your chest, and be left alone while you do so. I’ve been there. I’m still there sometimes. The straw breaks the camel’s back, you simply feel miserable and holding it together isn’t an option for the moment.

It does get better though, as I’ve already mentioned. And now that I have the closure I needed, I’m giddily looking forward at better life plans. I may never get who I was before the engagement back 100%, but that person was willing to settle. So I’ll be a different 100%, new and improved and whatnot. I will still wallow in self pity at times, and the bitterness will flare its head at an inopportune moment. But I’ll be back to the woman who knows she’s a catch here soon, modesty be damned.