manifesto type-ish thing

I’m smart, vivacious, fairly ambitious, and I’m on the shy side of 30. Not to mention I have enough charming personality for a small country, a sense of humor, I’m articulate, I have an overall happy outlook on life, and I’m a pretty girl as the clichéd cherry on top. Beauty and brains can coexist in a person. Modesty may not be one of my strong qualities though… You would think I’d be an uber-bitch, but I’m nice too. Really nice, card carrying member of the goody-two shoes club nice. So for all intents and purposes, I’m a freaking catch.

But I’m not that girl right now. I called off my engagement for good and I’m a bitterly disappointed broken hearted emotional mess at the moment. And even though I know it does get better, in fact it already has, you feel that your life sucks really bad. I am moving on and the proverbial other doors have been thrown open. I always believed the “it does get better” through all of this and that I did the right thing. My friends and family have been the support system I didn’t have in my former fiancé, and without them, I would be a lot worse. I’ve put on a brave face and smiled to the world, I’ve been genuinely happy when it counted. But the pain is still there. It’s not the anguish it once was; it’s subdued itself to a niggling part of everyday life. And as simple as it sounds to let go, it’s actually very hard. That pain, as irksome as it is, is all you have left of what you thought was your future. Sometimes, you just want to lick your wounds, cry the fat sloppy tears while sobs rip through your chest, and be left alone while you do so. I’ve been there. I’m still there sometimes. The straw breaks the camel’s back, you simply feel miserable and holding it together isn’t an option for the moment.

It does get better though, as I’ve already mentioned. And now that I have the closure I needed, I’m giddily looking forward at better life plans. I may never get who I was before the engagement back 100%, but that person was willing to settle. So I’ll be a different 100%, new and improved and whatnot. I will still wallow in self pity at times, and the bitterness will flare its head at an inopportune moment. But I’ll be back to the woman who knows she’s a catch here soon, modesty be damned.