Directive Language

So before I even had kids, I read somewhere/heard something that rather than saying 'stop xyz," use directive language in place. The reasoning that was the kid will hear stop xyz, and possibly stop mid whatever, but then they have to figure out what to do next in a split second and that can be overwhelming and big scary things and then meltdown. Something to that effect. 

Anyway, I liked that and tried to start thinking that way so it would be second nature when I had children who would listen to my every word and comply almost *85% of the time. 

* I say 85% because my 30-year old childless self was realistic and knew no one, let alone a child, would comply 100% of the time. Because I know my future kids would never**

**my real children never all the time.    

Anyway. It was harder than I thought, but I can do that on occasion. Some examples:

• Stop running! -> Walk please!
• For the hundredth time stop touching your sister's whatever -> For the hundredth time lets keep our hands to ourselves.
• Oh god stop stripping we are in public -> Oh god keep your clothes on for this moment please lord.
• Don't feed the dog your oatmeal I know it's hilarious but it's making both of you sticky and gross-> Oatmeal goes in just your belly and it's so funny how you get sticky and gross.    

It doesn't have to be complicated either, 43 year old me tells my real kids "take a deep breath" all the damn time instead of "calm the fuck down child" like I want to all the time.  

But it could work in other circumstances too. Like telling people to be kind, instead of stop being an asshole! Or like, how we should tell all men to understand consent instead of the simplistic "don't get raped" trope we tell women.  

Artist

Girl 2 is my little artist. As soon as she could grip a writing utensil she has loved to draw and no surface is safe from her scribbles. (No lie, that's why the permeant markers are out of reach)   

But drawing isn't her only medium. She dabbles in other art forms such as photography and created this riveting series aptly titled:

 Mommy's Stolen Phone of 2022:    

 

  

Which of course I posted to facebook because that's what modern parenting is. 

However, as prolific as girl 2's art is, there were a few images that did not make the social media post. Mostly along the lines of the images being

Repetitive

 

Questionable or didn't contribute to the series

 

or: unflattering

So she may be the artist, but I'm still the curator.

Truths

 Welp. As of today I'm 40. (FUCK). I mean, it's great I'm here. My 20s were fun, and I married the love of my life. My 30's I had my children and those two are...my greatest joys and my greatest annoyances. So my 40s...let's see what this decade brings! 

But what kind of milestone birthday blog would this be if I didn't do some sort of soapbox reflection? So I will present you some truths I stand by my 40 trips around the sun

• A good pen will make or break your day.
• A person's use of spell check is a determining factor in friendship levels.
• I loathe text talk.  
• Pandas are assholes.
• The patriarchy sucks.
• There is nothing redeemable about a Tuesday. 
• Glitter is the herpes of crafts
• Never trust a girl without girlfriends.
• Or squirrels.
• Always, always smell the milk first
• Generic applesauce and oatmeal taste like cardboard
• There is no such thing as a "quick trip to Ikea."
• Don't buy generic toilet paper. Ever
• Tupperware is unable to be organized and is my nemesis.
• You can never have too many coats.
• Or chairs.
• Or books! (don't you say a thing dr soc!)
• Removing that stay hair bothering the crap out of you from your clothes is one of life's greatest victories.
• With small children it's best not to ask what a stain is.
• Wearing a dress or skirt with pockets automatically defaults to a good day.
• I cannot please everybody. I am not a taco.
• A taco can fix almost everything.
• I'm very likeable.

Life doings

So. My last mommy blog (okay, last blog in general tbh) in while was when girl 2 turned 3...almost a year ago now. So. Girl 1 has had a 21-22 year! She

Started kindergarten. First day!

Y'all I blinked! (no tears (from both of us) either!) 

Turned 6 with a princess party.

Thanks to our surprise guest Arial for making her princess party the talk of her class 

Broke her wrist. She fell off her scooter onto the sidewalk mid-May. Stay tuned for another blog on why dr soc and I are assholes. 

The cast came off in June so no more summer cast

And 'graduated' kindergarten and is first grade bound!

Y'all I blinked again!
(mom tears at this one, no lie)

Not to mention made new friends, started (and finished) gymnastics (the broken wrist put the kibosh on that), she's reading out loud to us now, went to a princess concert, and wants to be a ballerina when she grows up, amongst other life doings. She loves wearing dresses and is our little fashionista too. Physically she's small for her age just like her mom was, but she's healthy and growing on her curve.  She drives me crazy at times, but she is also one of the most sweet, most empathetic little human I've even met. And as cliché as it is, she really is growing up so incredible fast! 

SURPRISE!

For my parents' 10 year anniversary, my dad gave my mom a pearl necklace and showed it to my sister and I beforehand and told us "don't tell mommy."

My sister just flat out snitched, "it's a necklace." 
But I did not tell. I just dropped very subtle hints. Like, "you're gonna like it!" "It's really pretty!" And the most cryptic clue of them all "you wear it here," and patted my collarbone. 

Somehow my mom figured something was up. *shrugs* 

In my defense, this was 1987 and I was five (a young one at that). And, my mom didn't know it was a pearl necklace, so she was still surprised. And then 25 years later she let me borrow that necklace for my wedding, so it all worked out.  

Now lets fast forward to 2022, and my 10 year anniversary with dr soc was coming up. As you can see from yesterday's post he got me some bling bling* and I loves it. Beforehand he enlisted girl 1's help and she took her duty incredibly serious and as enthusiastically as she could. Girl 1 is 6. 

*yes I know I'm dating myself with that vernacular term

And so, the 2022 scene played like this:   

dr soc: yeah, my (wedding) ring is a bit tight and I may get it resized, but I don't remember what size I am

6: mommy, I need a tracing of your hand. 

me: yeah I had to get remeasured when I got my (wedding) ring resized last year. 

dr soc: ah-

6: mommy, what I really need a tracing of the finger you wear your rings 

dr soc: -

me: oh okay after dinner-

6: no lets do it now, here let me get a piece of paper and a pen for you. 

--7 seconds later ---

6: here, put your hand here (points to the paper she had slapped in front of me), and trace like this (starts tracing my hand) no spread your fingers out .

dr soc: rubs the bridge of his nose

6: okay that looks good I'm just going to cut this out. 

me: that's great honey -

6: now I can always have a high five from you! 

dr soc: sigh

me: That makes perfect sense kiddo.

--- 3 minutes later ---

6: daddy! -whispers- I got it! (slips him the cutout of my hand in front of me and giggles hard core* proud of the mission accomplished)

*also dating myself with this term and I don't care  

Somehow I figured something was up. *shrugs* But hey, at least she didn't flat out snitch!   

 

 

Face your fears

God I hate that trope. Because my 5 year old is fearful of pretty much everything and will face absolutely nothing. It's not this cute little aww she's just shy sort of thing. It's a full force whiney cry and inability to function fear of...whatever it is. In the blink of an eye she has gone from 0 to 100 and once she's in that state there isn't a damn thing anyone can do to get her off that ledge.

The worst panic tantrums are always health/body related. Brushing her teeth. Trimming her talons nails. Performing basic body functions of going to the bathroom. When I start looking for Neosporin and or a band aid for her. Any medicine. Telling her we have to remove a splinter that she has said "it hurts!"      

Yes these are real fears to her and I want to respect that so she can work through them. I do. But sometimes we don't have time (or energy) to work through something, or there aren't any other options to give. It's very frustrating when whatever fear has been carrying on for a while and absolutely no effort has been made, especially if there isn't an alternative. And tbh once she's on that ledge her only option is complete obstinance so any amount of time or alternative is a moot point. 

For example, she'd rather let a gaping wound heal 'on it's own' but down the road that gaping wound leaves a scar she's distraught over that. And yes we told her she could have a scar but that won't change her mind in her fear tantrum. Or when she had an ear infection and she had to take medicine, and because there are no other options we had to force her to take it which we know isn't the right way but it had to be the way at that moment because we are not going to let your ear rot and fall off simple because she is too chicken shit to take the yummy medicine.

Yeah a part of me feels not great talking smack about my kid, but when she's being a jerk can we call a spade a spade here? But also I don't want her to miss out on things because she was to scared to even try. At a birthday party everyone ran across the room for something and she refused for some reason. So the rest of the party moved on without her, and she broke down in tears because she was hurt. And yeah it sucked to see her upset, but at the same time she has to learn sometimes the world is not going to wait.  

What it comes down to is that I'm just frustrated and I wish I knew the answer like before I had children.   

Salty Bedtime

The past month bedtime with the girls has been...challenging. Bedtime routine is supposed to go:
- 7pm -

- Nighttime potty (Girl 1) /nighttime diaper* change (Girl 2)
- Vitamin
- Brush teeth
- Stories
- Kisses/hugs, go to rooms
- Sleep: around 7:30pm 

*We** are also trying to potty train at this time

**mom and dad are, Girl 2 is nope.    

Here's how bedtime routine actually goes:
- 7pm-7:30ish Shit it's bedtime -

- Nighttime potty (Girl 1) /nighttime diaper change (Girl 2)

1: Cajole into performing basic body function of going to the bathroom 

- Vitamin
- Brush teeth

fight over step stool, put toothpastes on tooth brushes. 1: whine/cry "I need help" because bodily function. 2: run giggling with the toothbrush in mouth  

- Stories
- Kisses/hugs, go to rooms

1: You need to go to your bed in your room. No you do not get another story. No it's not time to play with us. What do you want to show me? Yes you can play/listen to your music in your room but do so quietly. Shhh! Shhhh! (nothing is louder than girl 1 trying to be quiet)

- This part has been ALL ME the past month -  

2: Snuggle/rock. Exhaust. Lullaby. Put in bed. Put in bed. Put in bed... Eventually lay down in bed with mommy is snuggling.* Freak out/cry run if mommy inches** away.***  

*uncomfortably laying on the floor and toddler bed

**lay on floor next to bed trying to work out neck kink.

***literally scoot inch by inch towards the door while fighting all the lingering mommy exhaustion from the past month

- Sleep: 10pm or later

Tuesdays I get home from work around 8:30 so it's 100% dr soc/daddy bedtime. Last night went like:  

- 7pm

- Nighttime potty/diaper change

- Vitamin

- Brush teeth

- Stories

- Kisses/hugs, go to rooms

1: Plays fairly quietly in room until I come home and check on her. Thump. Thump. Thump. Honey, you need to whisper and and be still to be quiet. Thump. Thump. Thump. Repeat 17 times (give or take)

2: put in bed and fall asleep in 5 fucking minutes!!!!  

- Sleep: 1 no idea, late and mommy shushed as usual: 2: 7:fucking 30pm. 

I am thrilled all my work and rigmarole got girl 2 to sleep in 5 fucking minutes. But I am also salty as hell she fell asleep in 5 fucking minutes for dr soc.  So glad I made that part of parenting easier for my husband.  So yes, happy overall. But also incredibly salty because fucking hell 5 minutes with no snuggling, rocking, exhausting, parental yoga moves, inching away! What the hell kid?!

Cap and Gown

Childless-20-something-year-old me: yeah little kids are cute in those graduation caps but the gown seems a bit extra for a preschool/kindergarten graduation. But whatever, to each their (overkill) own I suppose.

Two kids 38-year-old me with her first kid graduating preschool: OMG look how fucking cute she is in that pint sized cap and gown! I'm taking a vacation day, we're going to go out for lunch after the ceremony and she gets to pick dinner that night. Maybe we should get a cake and balloons and invite the grandparents and lets do...

Kindergarten bound! One extra mom right here!

   

Yup, that's ________

dr soc: I was trying to leave and girl 2 peed in the pull-up. Now is naked and playing in waterless tub

me: Yup that's girl 2

dr soc: Girl 1 partially being helpful and partially driving me crazy

me: Yup that's girl 1

dr soc: Tug of war match over toy

me: Yup that's sisters

dr soc: Just look for me later rocking in a chair hugging myself all day

me: Yup that's parenting! 

Happy Mother's day!

Mom worry

 

This one’s peanut allergy has gone down!! Girl 2 is still allergic, but her reaction was significantly less than the last time we tested her. Such wonderful news, but even more so after yesterday’s diagnosis.

There will always be part of me that that worries about my kids. It’s impossible to turn off the mom worry. But not having to worry as much about her allergy is a relief. Getting the test was no picnic, she threw a massive tantrum when getting tested. Not that I blame her, your back got all pricked up and it itches like hell and the only thing you want to do is put your princess shirt back on but you can’t figure it out yourself and mommy isn’t helping that bitch. I totally get it. And as far as her speech delay goes, even though she’s not saying * as many words as she should at this age, I know she knows things. She can count 1 - 10, but she can recognize some of those the numbers* and point them out. 

*how’s me, the most talkative person in the world, having a speech delayed kid for irony? 

*she just correctly pointed to ‘for fucks’ on a number puzzle. Four frogs in the number four. See? She knows!

Oh darling girl, you are who you are and mommy loves you so much no matter what. 

Process

Girl 2 is speech delayed. We’ll be starting speech therapy for her in the near future and work on getting her caught up.  So what does that mean exactly? 

It means...I’m processing it.  I mean...it’s not a bad thing. She’s healthy and happy and a joyful little girl. But it’s unexpected, so it still hurts a little you know? And no parent wants this, an additional difficulty. Kids are who they are and you love them fiercely regardless. But being a parent is hard and worrisome enough on it's own, so another challenge, no matter how manageable, is something to deal with.

I think deep down she’s going to be fine.  Being able to socialize safely again and being around kids her own age will probably help her development as well. Parenting is just...a loooooooong game and here’s something else to wrestle.

So. I’m processing. 

Irony 2.0

The irony of  Girl 1 fighting me tooth and nail on her teeth* and nails is not lost on me.

*you may recall the teeth fight of 2020. Currently that war is at a lull but her checkup in December involved crying so her upcoming June appointment I don't know.

Now that she is a mature 5 year old the irony is this: The hill my child will die on is anything health related. 

• She will not take medicine, topical or internal. 
• She will not listen to her body for the bathroom.
• She will not blow her nose despite being unable to breath due to snot blockage or a river flowing from her nose 
• Refuses band aids and screams about any blood getting on anything and everything from refusing to cover it
• When she found out she had to go to the doctor because she mentioned to daddy her ear hurt, she said "I wish I hadn't said anything."*
• *This one actually worries me because I know she had to be hurting long and hard enough for her to even mentioned it. I don't want her to be afraid to say anything, ever. 
• Going to the doctor or dentist with her requires an iron will, Olympic sized bribes that never ever work which result to physically restraining her*
• *because that doesn't traumatize her at all and won't lead directly to the aforementioned fear of her being afraid to tell me anything.*
• *and that leads me to sobbing into my drink because OMG I hate that struggle so much and I do not know what to do so I cope by drinking and sobbing and questioning my entire ability of being a mom.

Uhhh, yeah. The irony here is that my child is willing to literally die on the health hill. Yeah.      

Talk Bubbles

To the surprise of no one, my girls are talkers. Ironically when they were born they both were so quiet the medical staff was concerned, even though they were perfectly healthy. Yeah, it was odd...

But after that, as soon as they figured out they could vocalize in some way they did. Girl 1 makes articulate affirmations (e.g. mischief, actually, memorized all said clear as a bell and used correctly) and Girl 2 has entire conversations and spouts platitudes in babble. 

And they are both savage AF. 

4.5: Mommy have you shrunk yet?

me: umm, no. I'm not that old* just yet.

4.5: Has daddy? Because he's kind old.*

*Chinese ladies are ageless forever and -poof- look 120 and start shrinking. True fact.

*He turned 40 in February and hehehehe. 

And also:

-sees pregnant mannequin at the store and says very loudly-

4.5: Mommy! That belly is really big - like yours!

me: no honey, there's supposed to be a baby i-

4.5: just like yours!  

SAVAGE.

As for girl 2, I don't know what my 2 year old was actually trying to say, but that had to be the cutest little "bitch bitch bitch" I've ever heard!

 

Dentist Drama Season Finale

So. The drama continued and concluded the following way:

- Stayed home from the babysitter all week and fell asleep on the bathroom floor for 3 nights, waiting us me out on the mouthwash. So we I conceded that loss. Then cried over my failure while simultaneously impressed at her ferocity. 

- Called our dentist (the one who discovered the cavities) and asked if they would sedate her. The answer: no, they only sedate adults. 

- Took her to a third (in network pediatric) dentist, who confirmed she had cavities, but, surprise! in obstinate 4 year old fashion wouldn't let the dentist actually do anything in their really* cool office. So we made plans to sedate - because it had to get done. In 3 weeks because that's the fist appointment we could get at the dental surgery center.

*I mean for fuck's sake they had a tv mounted on the ceiling and you could pick what tv show you wanted to watch! What the hell kid? This place is awesome!

- Rearranged my work schedule. Again. 

- Continued no treats (except special occasions like mommy's birthday cake).

- Took her to the pediatrician* to get her cleared to have general anesthesia.

*not sure if I'm slightly ashamed or proud that I impressed the pediatrician with my 4 year old wrangling/hog tying skills...  

- And this morning: we sedated. She managed to spit* out the relaxation syrup (yeah, sedation to sedate her) twice.

*once again unsure if  I should be impressed or ashamed 

But when they wheeled her bed back to anesthesiology and I couldn't go with her...my tiny, beautiful girl, I just...mom worry. But less than an hour later she was done and I could see her. She was cranky when she woke up from the anesthesia, but also, that's just my girl. At least now her cavities are fixed! We came home, watched tv, and got panera lunch. We're done! 

- Right. Not done. Because tonight she didn't want to brush those damn teeth causing all this drama because they felt funny but also refused to take any pain medicine for that. So I noped it and walked away. Because no. Just no. I'm done with this drama. Tonight at least. 

And this concludes our 2020 cavity drama theater.  

Four-nado!

Ahem. 

On November 24, this little lady:

turned FOUR!

We threw her a Frozen II birthday party at the movie theater and I sanctimommied it UP. Not only did we see the movie, there was:

- the Frozen II theme -

- a craft/activity -

- a homemade ombre cake (inside and out!) - 

- individual ice cream in party muffin wrappers - 

-and- 

- I used my one party trick of cutting the cake with floss -

You may observe my momming prowess here: 

A very happy birthday girl and her (honestly very happy to do all this) mommy 

Everyone had a wonderful time and the party was a huge success. Then after the very successful party/movie we went out to dinner, where the birthday girl threw a mild tantrum and the baby had french fries and oreos for dinner.  

A carb and sugar filled baby

It's all about the balance I suppose. Whatever.

Happy Birthday Little Turkey!

Girls

As much as I love being a girl and the color pink, I really don't like to gender my girls that much with trying to smash patriarchy and all that. What do we want? Usable pockets! Equal Pay! Autonomy over our own bodies! When do we want it? Two hundred years ago!

Right. So. A few days ago I had my hands on the highchair tray playing with girl 2, and she develops those fine motor skills by gripping onto my engagement ring and squealing. And yesterday girl 1 had a big potty training accident at the sitter's so that even her shoes got wet. So on the way home it was "mommy I need new shoes! Lets go shopping for shoes!"

So I said to dr soc: we have one girl squealing over diamonds and the other wants to go shoe shopping. We have girls!

Secrets

Dr soc took Little Turkey shopping with him for my Christmas gift, and reminded her don't tell mommy which she took to heart. She was well aware this was a secret. They get home from shopping and she is so excited. While daddy gets things out of the car she comes right over to me with her little hands covering the biggest smile on her face. She leans in and very emphatically whispers:

girl 1: Mommy! We didn't get you ponies!* --pause--
(dr soc walks in the house) 
girl 1: We got you a mug! 
dr soc: (face palm, laughing hysterically) Little Turkey! I just told you that was a secret! 
me: (laughing hysterically) That's why she whispered!

We were both laughing so hard that she actually started to look a little unsure that maybe she hadn't  done the right thing. I felt bad about that, so still giggling I beckoned her over and stage whispered if she wanted to know what we got daddy for Christmas. She nodded eagerly.
me: okay! We got him a pineapple! But shh! It's a secret!
girl 1: Okay! (turns around to face dr soc and whispers emphatically with hands over her mouth again) Daddy! We got you a pineapple!   

*Her gift suggestion. Also her suggestion for what we should get daddy, what the baby wanted and what she asked Santa Claus for. Got to hand it to her, she covered all her bases so that one way or another she was going to get those ponies.