Professionalism

The other day my coworker's husband brought something by for her and they had a quick little peck as he was leaving. I remarked how cute it was and how it reminded me of all the times I had visited dr soc's office and he wouldn't touch me. 😄

Seriously. In his defense at the time he didn't have his school's version of tenure, so by minding his P's and Q's to be as professional as possible he refused pretty much all physical contact whatsoever if on campus together. No peck on the cheek, no hug goodbye, no gentle touch for guidance, no encroachment into either personal bubble. Zero physical contact. He wouldn't even hold my hand.

But now that I have given him a child (and he has tenure) he has relaxed enough to be professionally affectionate. He figured if his coworkers will hug me hello/goodbye, holding my hand on occasion wouldn't professionally ruin him. Not to mention I would have been super pissed (and probably scene causing upset) as I waddled to the baby shower his coworkers threw for us if he had refused to hold my hand when my fingers were too puffy to wear my wedding bands!

Explanation

I've been talking about how worried I am about my dad, but I haven't told the blogosphere exactly why I am. But I'm not going to do that now. My dad's oddities can be explained by one word. And I'm assuming many of you already know or can guess what that is, because you are smart people. That or I have told you personally, or you know what I was fearing for the past 2 years.

But this not reveal thing by simply not blurting it out is a slippery slope. On one hand, it's an instant explanation and we're granted understanding and (quite often) instant sympathy. So on that hand, it takes the pressure off the concealment. But on the other hand, there's pride, my dad's and my own. Which says, it's not anyone's business in the first place, and to keep my mouth shut. I don't want to label him for pride's sake, but also because I don't want to make him an easy mark. There are a lot of unscrupulous people out there in this world and you just never know.

So I explain when I have to. We get to keep our pride for a while. And we just continue to worry.

Hooking Up

Remember when I wasn't sure I was a f*ck buddy type girl? Well, turns out, I kinda can be. The past few months I've re-hooked up with Library Guy on occasion. It's often under the guise of "stress relief," or a few hours of company, or what the hell why not, but it's happened. Not regularly, but enough to not be blips and moments of weakness. And I don't know how long or if this is going to continue either.

I've tried to rationalized and justify it (mainly to myself), but there's not much to it. There are no expectations beyond the physical, and there's no one else for either of us at the moment. Yes, ultimately I want a boyfriend, but I know it's not going to be in the form of him.

And truth, having this semblance of a couple, even if it is only for a few hours makes me feel better. I've put on weight since the summer, school kicked my ass and I've been lonely. So here's a guy who despite the weight still thinks I look great (yes I know he could be saying that just to get in my pants. It works), doesn't talk about school with me, and is a few hours of dirty/sexy/fun company.

It stops when it gets complicated or when either one of us wants/starts to see someone else. But it's not there at the moment. This works for those moments in time when I need it to. It's not the greatest arrangement ever known to man (that would be oreos and frosting. Or wine and everything), but it's not the worst (that would be the Laura/Katie roommate situation of 2000) either.

I admit thinking when I drive away, I'm going to have to stop this eventually since it's not going anywhere. But, it's not going anywhere so... Why not? It's a tightrope I find myself mentally balancing on each time. And then a few weeks later when he mentions a dirty/sexy/fun time, I throw my emotional caution to the wind and toss out dates that would work for me. How come I can throw that around like a pro, but an actual physical throw I can't hit the broad side of a barn?

Your cheatin' heart

Disclaimer: this is not a confession or about any of my previous relationships

I've always considered cheating (in a relationship) something you can't tell the other person. But that could mean a variance of things. While I wouldn't do anything physical with another person while I'm sleeping with someone else in the first place, I also wouldn't tell my significant other that I outright flirted with someone either (even if it was to get better service). I wouldn't tell my partner either, but is the latter cheating?

In my mind it was harmless to begin with, so no. But I still wouldn't share. I've kissed other guys who were not my boyfriend at the time. And if you go strictly by my definition, then yes I have cheated on boyfriends (ok, so maybe a little confessional and totally about my previous relationships. My bad). That's as far as my torrid history goes. I can soften it by claiming it was before boyfriend and I were using the bf/gf titles, but really, that's splitting hairs. I was in someone's bed so I've made myself exclusive by then.

Obviously these are not shining moments in my life. And I would think twice about it if I'm put in the position again. As far as I know, I've never been cheated on. Well, at least no one has stepped out on me when were officially bf/gf. There probably have been some hook-ups pre"official" decree of exclusivity or break ups. You know, the same bull poop I tried to pull 2 seconds ago, when details were fuzzy. But if I have been cheated on, I don't want to know.

I told one boyfriend that if something ever happened, (for example, someone has too much to drink and boundaries were crossed. I'm no fool, these things happen), and as long as he felt extremely guilty about it, (and he should) and knew it would never ever ever happen again (as it shouldn't), then I didn't want to know. Because it would destroy my trust in him and it might be too hard to get back. But his guilt would be punishment enough.

However, if it happened again, I would kill him. But hey, the first one was free.

Religion

I'm not super religious, but I do respect other faiths. Catholic, Methodist, Hindu, Episcopalian, Jewish, Agnostic, whatever you claim to be, I'll respect your faith as your own. And I think that all the god(s) that these religions believe coexist somehow. It's us humans that go muckle it up and make holy wars. God(s?)'s up there going, dudes, calm down, I'm (we're) fine. And you know sometimes he points and laughs, because I also believe god has a sense of humor (want proof? explain the duckbill platypus).

Me and god, we have an understanding. I have a good head on my shoulders and I formed my own opinions. I do ask for help on occasion. When Bailey had parvo and was fighting to live, I prayed for him to fix her. I begged and bargained with the man upstairs to either save my puppy for me, or end her suffering. And obviously, she's still here (naughty and knee surgeried, but still here), so he kept up his end of the bargain, so I've kept up mine.

But as soon as you start pushing your views on me, we have a problem. That's not what faith is to me. I'm a good person and I have morals. I don't need to go to Sunday service to prove I'm a 'good christian. ' And honestly, the whole "good christian" stance does nothing but annoy and incense me.

First I don't really understand what "being a good christian" is. And why are all the people who are "good christians" such zealots? When did being a good christian usurp being an good person? And since when are they one in same? I think it's utter bull sh*t when a person A of one faith informs person B of a different faith that person B is going to hell because person B doesn't believe in God the exact same way as person A does. Um excuse me, but that's not your job down here. Overstepping the big mans shoes there buddy.

I seriously think God's rolling his eyes and shaking his head, playing shuffle board with Buddha.
(oooh, think I'll get any random "I'll pray for your soul" comments from this post?)

Church

I used the phrase sweating like a whore in church the other day, and my friend asked, Wait, church? Did I miss something? Why where you in a church?

And then she reread the email and figured out it was a phrase, but I started thinking, when was the last time I was in a church?

Uhh....umm, well, I didn't go to my friend's baby's baptism, so not then. I didn't get married so that date's out... It may have been my sister's wedding, which was almost a year ago...

Oh no wait! I went to temple for my friend's conversion to Judaism in November and then to temple with her in the early spring I believe. So there, that's the last time I was in a church.
Hey wait a second! Did my friend think I was calling myself a whore?

Hmm (insert inquisitive face here)

So I like library guy. A lot. F*ck. This highly complicates my self imposed don't rush into anything in order to protect myself bubble.

Now I'm not falling for him. Yet. But there's a high possibility that I could/will (as long as I want to keep kissing him, and I don't see that stopping anytime soon). I'm aware of my inability to stop falling once I start (somehow I don't fully understand (care) physics though). So I'm part scared want to run away, and part jump in head first w/out checking to see if there's water in the pool. Um, how come I can't just let things fall into place? (because I am not patient, and I'm happier when it's my way dammit, that's why)

Well, I'll keep myself in check regardless. I have other things to focus on besides a fledgling relationship. But I still worry: what if he doesn't like me? I know he's attracted to me, which is clearly not a bad thing. But liking me, that's a different story. All I can be is my spazy self and hope he does. If he doesn't, then I toss him in the fools I've dated pile. And if he does, then that gets a yay(!) and I remind myself of my self imposed bubble.

Free hug day?

So there's this event on face book: free hugs? Umm, what? Apparently, there's a whole day devoted to this? And there's rsvp-ing? But it's hosted by me? What? I am so confused. And there are links to buy paraphernalia for this? Seriously, what? Because having "free hugs" scrawled across my chest wouldn't bring out the creepies at all. Riiight.

Also? If you start charging for hugs, then that kind of makes you a prostitute. And that's whorey. But you don't want to give them away for free, because then you'll just hug anyone, and that's whorey too. So which is it? Charge for a hug like a prostitute, or give them away for free like a whore? You just can't win! And I admit I'm a bit lonely, but I'm not about to solicit physical contact through a social networking site. Because fail.

I vote, we all keep our hands to ourselves. (Unless you actually know/like the person, free hugging is ok.)

Rock and a Hard Place

I want my dog. I want her so bad that I'm even looking at getting my own place, paying needless rent and everything else just so I can have her. But to pay rent, I need money. So I need to work full time. But one of the big draws of being home is going back to school full time. And I need money for that too. I won't do well in school if I work. And I won't go back to school if I'm working full time. I'd have to do both to have her here. And if I'm working full time and going to school full time, then I won't have any time for the dog I want so bad in the first place.
God dammit Mark, why did you ruin everything?!