Mother Russia

I went viral in my own way with the last blog post telling Facebook (and the world in general) to fuck off with the diet ads/products body shaming on my feed.

I checked my feed an hour or so later (because I'm on social media all the time and always close to my phone) and the targeted body shaming ads were (almost)* gone! Now the targeted ads were how to organize/take charge/fail less at my messy/chaotic family life. Body shaming ads to mom shaming ads.

*lets face it, there will always be a degree of body shaming even after the ashes of the patriarchy are scattered across the desert of men's tears

So hey, even though we know that Russia is totally messing around with us (though the chumps Russia fooled typically staunchly refuse to believe that) at least they are paying attention!
 

Call Me!

These are the phone numbers that I can rattle off no problem:

• mine
• dr soc
• my parents' house
• work's public line if i think about it for a second  

And:

• my ex fiancé's

And here's why. A friend had left her cell in my pool bag and neither one of us realized it until she and my ex were at work. She couldn't call her fiancé to get it from me because she didn't know his number. (I ended up dropping it off at work-which was not on the way- before I went out of town. ie: I'm a good friend) My ex was astounded she didn't know her fiancé's number, but I came to her defense. Ever since cell phones became the norm no one's really had to memorize a phone number since it's stored in your contact list. After all I didn't know his number off the top of my head.

He was gobsmacked (and pissed). How could I not know his number? After all, he knew my number! (but not the exact date of my birthday) And his phone number was so easy too! It was one number different than the area code and then 2 other numbers! How could his fiancé not know his number!?

Well I once heard you have to repeat something (at least) 21 times before it's committed to memory. Being the mature young 20-something I was at the time to shut him up I started reciting his phone number. Twenty-one times.

me: 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx...
::while following him around the apartment:: After the 10th time or so-
ex: okay, okay, I get it!
me: nope, it's gotta be 21 times before I remember. Great now I've lost count and have to start over.
me:-sigh-: 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx. 513-xxx-xxx....

Yup. But, hey, I learned his phone number. Which came in handy when I drunk texted him the holidays after we broke up.  

Face Palm

I was at the desk at work when story time let out, and a mom approached the desk. She and her family had just move to the area and wanted to know what she needed to get a library card. I informed her that I would need a photo id and proof that she lives in the county, so a lease, a piece of mail, etc. She didn't have anything with their Charlotte address on her at that moment, so I couldn't get her a card. She was quite understanding and said she would bring in something next time she came in, no big deal.

Her son though (who was about 4), was really, really hoping to check out a book. So when his mom told him they couldn't today because she didn't have the paper they needed, he was very upset. Because his reaction?

He facepalms!
And then big fat sloppy tears start rolling from his eyes and he is inconsolable. I know I shouldn't have, but I  jut had to bite my lip to stop giggling at the kid's reaction.

Weirdo

While we were at my sister's meeting my niece, I tried to help out as much as I could by getting up for feedings and making a couple meals. I figure my sister has enough on her plate with a newborn, she didn't need to worry about being hostess to us and my parents on top of that.
Anyway. By making a couple meals, I mean one night I put 3 frozen pizzas in the over and called it dinner.  But I did have to go to the grocery store for those and some other ingredients, and I grabbed a gallon apple cider because that happens to be a weakness of mine. As we were getting dinner ready, Mike helped out by getting everyone something to drink.

me: Hey everyone, dinner will be ready soon. The pizza will be done in just a few more minutes.
mike: Ok thanks. What would everyone like to drink? I'm going to have water, Sarah, do you want one too?
me: Sure. Oh wait, no, I'll have cider.
mike: Cider with pizza?
me: Yeah. Did you want any?
mike: Nah, I think cider and pizza may be a weird combination. 
me: Suit yourself.
mike: What would everyone else like? Carolyn?
mom: I'll have cider too.
mike: Ok.... Steve?
dad: Cider.
mike: ok....Amy?
amy: I'll have cider, thanks!
me: See? Still think it's weird?
mike: Yeah, kinda. Maybe just your family. Grant will back me up on this, he married in, like me.
me: Uh-huh. Grant what would you like to drink?
grant: I'll have cider.
me: Hahahahaha! Now you're the odd man out, what with your pizza and water combination.
mike: Dammit.

At Auntie's House

Last Saturday my good friends from college stopped by on thier way home from thier family vaction at the beach. I was really excited to see them becasue they had never seen my house, but I also hadn't seen thier kids (in person) in over a year since their little dude's baptism when he was 3 months old and thier daughter was almost 2 and a half.  So lots of stuff had changed, except that the kids are just too adorable for words.

Anyway, we were showing them the house and we were looking for a spot for the three year old to maybe take a rest later. At some point the three year old, a crazy dog and I were sitting on the daybed we have in one of our rooms. I'm holding crazy dog back a little so she won't spazz the child off the bed, and N discovers that the day bed is a really good bouncy bed.

So there's N bouncing on the bed, her curls flying around and she says excitedly: this is a really good bouncing bed!
me: I bet you can't do that in your house can you?
N: No!
me: Ok. 

--And let her continue bouncing. Becasue I am an awesome auntie--

That is one smart cookie. She totally knew her limits in that she can't bounce on the bed at her house, but it's cool at my place.  Then later when both of them were upstairs and my husband went to check on them, she and her brother/partner in crime were bouncing again, having a great time.*

Fun times!

*We really didn't care. We probaly won't let Sharktopus and Dinocroc bounce on the beds at home, but that's becasue of it's thier home and there are rules. But that's ok becasue they can always bounce on the beds at thier auntie's houses!

Protect Me

I was getting a pedicure at Aveda before the wedding and the girl doing my nails was chatting like you do.  When she asked if the pedicure was for a special occasion, I (of course) said I'm getting married that Saturday.

Now, when you say the magic W word to a (very young) 20 something year old girl, they typically start pressing you for any details and gushing over them.  And if they've been with their boyfriend for a year or two more, they will also, quite typically, tell you that they have discussed marriage with their boyfriend and that he is the one.* I know at her age, I was the same way,** so I didn't scoff. (no really, I didn't) And besides the girl was sweet and I didn't mind chatting about the wedding with her.

This girl though, seemed to have a fairly decent head on her shoulders, and wasn't rushing to take the marriage plunge or pressuring her boyfriend either. She admitted that there were a few things that made her unsure.  Nothing deal breaking, but just a few things to hold off on marriage for a little bit. The biggest thing was that she wasn't sure if he could protect her.  And the only reason she thought that, was because he doesn't know how to shoot!

Ok, I admit I laughed at that one. That was sole deciding factor? That he just can't shoot a gun? But oh well, if that's the reason she wants to hold off on marriage, then more power to her! 

* I don't really believe in "the one" or any other of those 'when you know you know' one true love mantras.  Yeah it's nice for fairy tales, but real life happens. 
**I really was. At 20 I totally knew my boyfriend at the time was the one, I would have an engagement ring from Tiffany's at my final crit, and we were going to get married the fall after we graduated. And he did end up proposing right after graduation, to the girl he broke up with me for by the time we were 21.  No, I'm not bitter***
*** Of course I was bitter!  I was something like 22 at the time. But thank god my life didn't work out as I planned it would when I was 20.  I mean, it's been almost 10 years since we dated, they're still together and as far as I know happy, (we didn't keep in touch for obvious reasons) and I have dr soc who I love more than anything in the world. I'd say it worked out well for everyone.

Happy Easter

me: Apparently today is Good Friday.
mike: Um yeah, I guess it is isn't it? The day that Jesus went streaking.
me: What?
mike: The apostles or whatever go and check on the body and only find the sheets they wrapped him in and no body. So Jesus was running around naked.
me: Ha! Hey wait, I thought Easter was the day he woke up. The whole 'he has risen' thing.
mike: Oh, good point. 
me: So Good Friday must be the day they put him in the cave. 
mike: Yeah, that sounds right. Then they go to check on him and he's risen from the dead. Just like a zombie!
me: --snort-- Hey, Easter just got a whole lot cooler now that I realize it's about a streaking zombie.

Happy Easter everyone!

Zoo

Mike and I went to the jewelers the other day to try on our rings (squee!). There's a french restaurant named Zebra in the same plaza as the jewelers, and on the outside of the building there's a sign that points towards the main entrance.

Now, I don't need even more reasons to marry Mike than I already have, but the following conversation just reminded me how well we fit.

me -upon seeing the sign and reading it allowed--: Oh, guess that's how you get to Zebra, since the sign there says "Zebra entrance."
mike: That's racist. Where do the giraffes go in? 

Arbor Day

me: You really hope someone gets us that banana tree from our registry don't you?
mike: The wooden one? Yeah, it's like a real tree!

So, on that note, I hope someone gets us that!

good mom bad mom

I am a good pet momma because I took Bailey to the vet to have her paw looked at when I noticed a blister-like thing on it.
I am a bad pet momma because I post pictures like this:

Cone of Shame!

Simply because it makes me laugh.
No idea what the blister thing is since it was too inflamed for the vet to look at. She's on some meds to control it and we'll revisit it in 2 weeks. Until then:

I do not like the cone of shame.
And I do NOT appreciate you suddenly becoming a photographer either momma

Sorry Bailster! 

one mind

me: Last night in my dream I had a dream.  It was so weird.  But at some point in there, I don't know if it was the dream or the dream within the dream, I dreamed that your ex was trying to get you back.
mike: That's actually funny, because last night I dreamed that your ex was trying to get you back.
me: Whoa. We had the same dream?
mike: Guess so.
me: Cool yet very odd. In my dream your ex showed up to my parents house and claimed you had finish something with work with her.  You actually did have to finish this project so you did, but both of us knew what she was doing.  So I just stood there on the landing shooting you glares to finish up the project as fast as you could and get her out of there.
mike: Ha! Well, there's a negative 90% chance that would ever happen. So you have nothing to worry about.
me: That's good. Oh, and you have nothing to worry about from your dream either.
mike: Yeah? Your ex won't ever try to get you back?
me -snorts- No, he's too lazy!
--mike snicker-- 

Texting

me: Mom just called. She's on her way.
mike: Well, hopefully she'll be there before you have to go to work.
me: Fingers crossed. She won't be able to get a hold of me there, so she'll more than likely try call you trying to get into the house. Which, does she even have your number?
mike: I think so. I've called her before. You could text it to her just in case...
--here we both start laughing--
me: -snort-- You know my mom doesn't know how to text!
mike: Yeah, as I was saying the words I realized that that wouldn't work.

Yeah, my mom really doesn't know how to use her cell phone. Which is actually pretty funny until you need to get a hold of her.  It's actually my old cell, so she just took over the number when I switched back onto their plan. I think she's finally got in the habit of having it on her, but she still never hears it so she never answers it.  The one time she did pick up I was so surprised I thought I had the wrong number.  I never bother to leave a message because she doesn't know how to check for them, let alone the pin number to access them.  Even the out going message is the message I recorded years ago for my voicemail. Then, when texting became a valid form of communication (though I still abhor text talk and spelling and staunchly refuse to use it), for my mom to use it, I just chalked that up a lost cause.

Mayheming

When the dogs first met, they only way they knew how to interact with each other was to play.  And they played.  Running, mouthing, swatting, blur of spaz play.  Because of their size difference, we had to stop them mid-play so they wouldn't end up hurting each other.  It went on like this for a while, even after Bails and I moved to Charlotte.  We didn't dare leave them alone unsupervised, and I dubbed their play "mayheming."  But, eventually, they calmed down around each other.  So we all started to feel comfortable about not keeping the most diligent eye on them.
 
Until now. Because my dogs, my darling, spaztastic, mischievous dogs, realized that if I am in the shower, then I can't see or hear them. And more importantly (to them), I don't stop them.  But that's not the super mischievous part. The mischievous part is that they figured out the timing of everything.  My shower takes a while to heat up, so I open and close twice. One to turn on the water and to heat up, and the other to actually get clean.  They wait for that second door close before they start to mayhem about. 

Like the other day.  I get out of the shower and come downstairs to the sounds of mouthing and full on spazzing.  I see Jules leap off the love seat like superman, right onto Bailey's head. Bailey then tosses her head, and Jules, like a bucking bronco.  Which is then followed by a spaztastic chase around the couch. The moment they see me, the freeze, and then slink into their crates when I point to them.
Ah, good times. Honestly, I was most amused by them figuring out the timing of that second shower door than I was mad at them.

But oh boy, could we be in trouble! Ahh, good times.

Noisy

I've mentioned that Jules is gassy, yes?  And that she seems to not notice, react, or care about the noise, the smell or human reactions either yes?

Well, it finally happened.  Jules farted loud enough that even she was startled.

She was squirming around, grunting and trying to burrow under a blanket on the couch, and she lets one. Typical Jules behavior.  But this time, she actually stopped, mid squirm, and looked around for the source of the noise!  Of course, the noise at that particular moment was me, braying like a donkey at her reaction.

What? I have no shame. And if I wasn't gassy, then I wouldnt't be your Jules!

Animal Instinct

me: Will ikea load stuff in my car for me?
LB: I don't know if that's a service they offer, but you are a pretty girl and can probably get someone to help you.
me: That's what I told mike! When I said that he looked at me like I had set women back 50 years. Stupid phd and social equality beliefs.
LB: Silly mike. doesn't he know that no amount of policy or social structure will win out over pure animal instinct?
me: I think he tries to ignore that because then he thinks his schooling was in vain. Whereas I exploit it to my advantage. This may be why he calls me the worst sociologist ever.
LB: Or perhaps you are the best...
me: That's my theory. Don't ignore the inequality, just use it to your advantage.

Note: I don't think his 11 years of school (7 of them grad school) and 3 degrees in sociology will find this conversation quite as funny as I do, nor will it change his opinion on my sociologist status. However, my 8 years of schooling (all undergrad baby) and 1.5 degrees thinks otherwise. And since it is my blog, voila!

Hear What You Want to Hear

me: I'm going shopping and returning today.
what dr soc heard: I'm going shopping in maternity today.

Oh yeah, he freaked out a little bit. But once I started laughing at him he started to breath again.

Me (laughing): Honey, don't you think you would be the first person I would tell?
dr soc: I certainly hope so! I don't want find out by reading it on your blog!

Silly boys, so sensitive about these things. ;) <--did I really just put an emoticon?

Kids Say the Darnedest things

I'm at work the other night when this little boy walks up to me with his mom right behind him and politely asks me where the bathroom is.

I smile and gesture towards the family bathroom which is behind me. I tell him something along the lines of there's a family bathroom right behind me.

And then he says: "I mean, I need the men's room!"

His mother just rolled her eyes and told him to get into the bathroom that he already had the door open too, but I thought it was hilarious!

Kinda Like T-Rex

So dr soc has another nickname:
Socasauraus! It's like stegosaurus, only it's soc for sociology! Heeheeheehee.
(oh btw, the soc part of his blog/nickname is short for sociology, so I've always pronounced/thought of it in my head as soc as in social and not dr sock)

My sister was in town for a few days and she said that dr soc needed a nickname (besides dr soc). And with him being a sociologist and liking dinosaurs (which didn't surprise my friends at all), the name sorta popped into our heads at the same time.

Now we just have to figure out how to spell it. Because it sounds the best as a 4 syllable work (soc-a-saur-aus) but spelling wise, it's hard to get that soft c without adding something behind it. And all of these look or sound wrong:

• sociasaurus
• sociosaraus
• socosaraus

And the reason we had to figure out how to spell it is because I referred to him by his new nickname in a text message. We both looked at it typed out and then wondered if that was the correct spelling. And when we were talking about it that night in our nightly phone call, we ended up debating back and forth for a few minutes on what was the proper spelling of his new nickname (which he likes btw). Halfway through the should there be an i or o debate I realize: oh wow, this is pretty dorky.

And eventually we figured socasaurus it is. So, rawr!

Narrow It Down

K: You remember Russ, from climb time?
me: umm, not really. What did he look like?
K: dark hair, glasses, climber build.
Me: nope, still not ringing a bell. I'd have to see a picture, do we have a yearbook?
K: oh he didn't go to high school with us, he was older.
Me: ah, well, still no.
K: he told us to not talk to boys. Surely you remember him, you flirted with him.
Me: I flirted with everyone! Like that narrows it down.
Everyone else: *snort* good point.

Hockey Girl

When I worked retail in cinci I had a boss who went to UK. Of course, as soon as another Kentuckian discovers you chose to not go to the flagship school having lived there all your life you get asked "why didn't you go to UK?" a lot. But this boss and I had a good repertoire and occasionally exchanged Kentucky jokes.

Like most places on earth, there are things that only make sense in the area and don't transcend unless you're with another local. You pretty much have to be from Kentucky to understand the entity that is UK and all the other stuff that goes with it. Like the hockey poster. Trust me, everyone at UK knows what the hockey poster is. Hell, it's how we know we have a team, let alone a sport other than men's basketball (we have women's sports too, did you know that?).

But back to the retail job. One day I tried to toss a hanger in the proper bin and completely missed. It bounced off the outside of the bin, that's how bad I missed.

My boss snarks out: "now I see why you didn't go to UK!"

I laugh good naturally as I pick up the hanger and say: "No, but I could have been on the hockey calender!"

Boss: "nice!"

The one that started it all. Arguably the most famous too.