Growing up is not cool

I go back and forth like a ping pong ball. When does it stop? I ask myself questions like: would he have moved to Lexington? Maybe. Should I have left him that option though? Maybe. Would he have been happy here though? Definitely not. Did we want the same things from life? Not at all. When said like that, it looks like a simple choice. But you don't just wake up one day and decide to leave everything and start over. You've swept all your doubt under the rug hoping it goes away. Ignorance can be bliss, but it's harmful too. At some point you have to put on your big girl pants, and say fuck it, I'll deal with it now.

I can air dirty laundry. I can mock his dreams openly and belittle him all I can to make myself feel better. I even went out on blind date, but I just wasn't there mentally. (sorry Mike, you're great on paper, but I'm a mess) I told the ex to never contact me again, because I can't deal with it (that he listens to). It's my way of moving forward inch by inch. I contacted old friends and started rebuilding my social circle here. I enrolled in classes and I got 2 new jobs. Forward, forward, forward. But there are some days that I simply won't be able to deal with. My wedding dress comes in January. What I'm going to do with it, I don't know. (please don't suggest anything, I have thought about what to do and I already feel bad enough, so stop trying to be "helpful." It's like pouring 1000 lbs of salt in the wound (almost MiL-that comment's toward you)) But I am not dealing with it until then. And my wedding day, I'm popping a Valium and/or drinking myself into a coma the night before. I don't even want to know that day exists.

I know I made the right decision, which is some sort of solace. But I hate that even though I'm no longer with him, I cannot get him out of my head. No matter how happy I am to be home, how excited I am to be going back to school, how many new jobs I start, and how much I think I'm ready to move forward, there's always this thought in the back of my head: "You are only doing this because you left him. Because you had to start over." Way to rain on my own parade. I have a hard time taking comfort from anything without marring it in some way. I hate that he can ruin things for me. I hate that I let him more. Where are my big girl pants?