Monkey Wrench

I had this thing called life all planed out: Undergrad at 23, married 26, mom at 30. And I was about halfway there, and since I was with someone who didn't have real plans of his own (apathetic boy that he is), he agreed with my biological clock. Motherhood was still 3-4 years away, but it's always been the one thing I knew I wanted more then anything. And now, I'm going to have to wait even longer then I ever planned on doing so.

I'm going back to school for 8 years (finger's crossed it's only 6, but still...). Eight years. Eight years is going to be 8 years regardless. I can be 34 with a PhamD and a career, or I can just be 34. It shouldn't be a touch choice, but it is. I know I can't handle motherhood, even a pregnancy while in school (not to mention a husband to knock me up and put up with my crazy self). I've pushed it off for in order to pursue something bigger for myself. So why does that make me depressed? So depressed that I start doubting how much I really want this career.

I feel like I lost something, even though I didn't even have it. Going back to school is going to be great for me. I picked something that I know won't be easy, but something I am determined to succeed in. But no matter how many pep talks I give myself, I'm still upset over loosing my could have been. Another 4 years to the original plan may not seem like a lot to some people, but to me, it's a loooong time. Look what happened to me alone in a year. I got engaged, I changed jobs twice, got a puppy, ran a half marathon, and moved 3 times. Then lost all of that in 365 days. So don't you dare tell me a year is not that long. Because A LOT happens. Imagine what can happen in 8. And I'm terrified. Of what I'm not saying, maybe to protect myself or maybe out of stupidity. But I'm really really scared, and no matter how well I think on my feet or how well I can adjust, I'm scared. And I don't want to fail again.