Miss You Daddy

Warning: this will get you in the feels

I... I miss my dad. So, SO much. 

 

I heard this song on the radio for the first time on my way to work and I started missing my dad something fierce and my heart just...ached. He's been gone for a year and a half now. There's a peace that came from knowing his time on earth was completely out of anyone's control. But even with that peace that doesn't mean grieving and missing stops completely.

Today you could say the simple reason I miss him is because he isn't physically here. But it's not just that. It's the culmination of so many other things his dementia robbed from us. Like:

• Time. As he declined time had a way of moving incredibly fast while simultaneously standing still. He missed meeting little turkey by a few months. Months. Months that went by in the blink of an eye but felt like my due date would never arrive at the same time.  
• Words. I emailed my parents a lot before moving to North Carolina with the mundane updates of my life. Turns out it was mostly my dad responding, so as he lost his typing skills (which were never that good to begin with) the emails stopped as well. What I would give to have one more response to my nothings again. And he was never much of a talker but everyone remembers he had the heartiest laugh. Him doubled over laughing at a sceen in Toy Story 2 is one of my favorite memories. I wish I could hear that again even if was because we were making fun of my mom. 
• Who he was as a person. I consider us lucky he never forgot who we were and that his personality didn't change him into someone mean. But seeing him struggle with numbers when he had a masters in math hurt. He was always able to comfort me with a tight hug, but as I became protective of him I was the one to comfort (I hope). And no one could talk my mom off a ledge like him, but his disease was the ledge.
• Him becoming the doting grandpa I know he would have been. He was looking forward to the days of "filling them with sugar then sending them home." He also wanted a grandson but so far neither me or my sister have accomplished that one. My kids will never get hug him though. But I'm so happy he was was able to hold and play with his fist grandchild. 
• Hope. He suffered from a degenerative disease and knowing that is the worst. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.    

I love you Daddy. I hope you knew that and I wish you were here. You live on in memories and stories, and you'll never be forgotten. But I miss you. I miss you a lot.