Sunday, October 19, 2008

Progress? ehh, maybe not

I'm not over it yet. But honestly, do you expect me to be? And even though I'm the one who called it off; and I've always preferred to be the dumper rather then the dumpie, truthfully, there isn't a better position to be in this situation. I'm not a mess all the time, in fact, I think I do pretty well most of the time. But somethings are harder to handle then necessary. You hear some random person talk about their upcoming honeymoon. Or a co-worked get's engaged. Someone in your fantasy football league had their baby (and she's beautiful). Or it's your friend's wedding anniversary. I am truly happy for their happiness, I'm not pretending to be. But part of me is also insanely jealous. The yay for them I feel is overshadowed by a longing: "I wonder if that will happen to me?" And "God I want that too, so, so, so bad I want that." But that all goes on in my mind, behind the smile that doesn't always reach my eyes.
But I don't want to hear that someone got married at what was going to be my reception sight. Or that some other bride walked down the aisle of the church I was going to in May. My mom continues to save the Sunday wedding announcements (why?), and ask if I knew the person since they went to my high school. And this bugs me for 2 big reasons: Dunbar was a big school, I didn't know half my graduating class, let alone the rest of the student body. And I graduated high school in 2000, like I really knew or even cared about someone who went there in 06?
And 2: It still f*cking hurts.

1 comment:

Sourire11 said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down. It will happen for you - you are good people - and when it does it will be so much better than just pretending. Also you will have (or be on your way to) a rockstar job as a drug seller and will be so much better off for all of it.