I was shameless about wanting to be engaged with my ex. When we first had the marriage talk I informed him that I wasn't going to date someone for two years only for sh*ts and giggles. I wanted forever, and I wanted it in wedding bands. He agreed and I got the ring. And then I had doubts, because I had everything I wanted, and yet I wasn't happy. And now I feel that I wasted my dating to date years on someone who I should have been doing that with.
But the thing is, I know I would not be this anxious about the whole thing if I had never been engaged. If I had realized sooner and left before the jewelry was involved. I have friends about 2 years older than me who are not married. And they're not nearly (or any) as freaked out about the whole single thing as I am. And it's not that I'm sizing up husband potential every date I go on (so, maybe twice a year?), but I do want a commitment. And if I ever start seeing someone seriously, I need to know where he stands on settling down, and if he wants it the same way I want.
So no, I don't date to date anymore. And when I did, I didn't do it that well either. Intellectually, I know it's ok to be alone. But I don't exactly feel like that right now. I'm that girl who wants a boyfriend. I wanted to shake the girl in high school (and college) who needed a boyfriend to make herself feel better. I wanted to tell her, honey, any guy worth his salt will come to you! You just have to worry about being awesome! And now, someone, shake me.
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