Paper

I? Am seriously going nuts waiting to hear about my admission status from grad school. My nerves are litteraly shot to hell just waiting.
Yeah I knew I would have to wait and I have to be patient.  And school starts in just over a month.  But what really sent me over the edge into crazy-wait was when I received an email from financial aid saying I needed to update something.  I had sent in my fafsa the day before in a move to be prudent (though I really didn't want to because I'm terrified I jinxed something by doing so).  I can check my financial status by using my university id which they gave me in the email, and then find out my pin once I logged in with my university id. 

An university id! You shouldn't get one of those if you're not a student, right?  RIGHT???  I log on, get my pin, and then proceed to clink link after link to become even more confused and a babbling mess about my status.  Because while I can be found in the university directory, when I tried to see what classes were available to me, I was told in bold print I am not listed as a student for any terms. Wha? On top of that, a few days before the financial aid email, I received the graduate school newsletter in the mail.  who do they send that to?  The graduate students? Anyone who applied?  Way to tease.  

And as crazy as I'm going, (just ask mike, I'm a bundle of anxiety) I'm too terrified to call the admissions office to find out my status.  I can't handle them telling me no.  I can't handle hearing you aren't good enough. Because I have heard it before, and it traumatized me. I got stuck spinning my wheels for 3 years because I didn't get a piece of paper.  And now another piece of paper seems to be the key in deciding my fate.

I really hope that I'm completely over reacting and that it's my impatience getting the best of me.   That really is the best case senario that I'm working myself into a tizzy for nothing. I'll apply again if I have to, and I'm poking around of another (accredited) program North Carolina.  All I need is that piece of paper.  But I'm still anxious as hell all the same.

Best Acronym Ever

I'm on the knot reading etiquette message boards. And because some brides take all their time debating god knows what, they don't have time to use their words, so they abbreviate or use an acronym for every single fcking thing.

So idk wth ppl r saying.

There is however, one that cracks me up. Someone posted to the message boards asking if her wedding date was a bad date. And the general consensus was check w/the key members of who you want there, and if the date works for them to go for it. Just be sure to send out stds.

Now I don't know which std is more wedding related, or how well something like the clap travels via mail.  But I'm just going to say that if I received a std from someone I probably don't want to go to their wedding!

She Who Uses the Most Butter Wins

I won.
So my first Thanksgiving was a huge success.  Well, my first Thanksgiving hosting, not my first Thanksgiving ever.  But you know what I mean. There were 9 people total in the house, both sets of parents, each of our siblings sans their spouses, and my uncle.  Everyone had a good visit and time, everyone got along (not that I expected a brawl, but still with 9 people in your house sometimes things happen), and the dogs behaved wonderfully. Bailey especially warmed up to Mike's brother and then insisted on snuggling and draping herself all over everyone.

As for the food, with the exception of the gravy, the food turned out really well.  And the gravy wasn't bad, it just wasn't that good.  The turkey was done an hour before I expected and was the teeniest bit dry (despite the 1/2 lb of butter I stuffed under the skin and all the basting), but it looked really pretty and was a rich mahogany color as it came out of the oven.  And the turkey itself wasn't the hardest part of all the cooking .  After I stuffed the bird (sausage cornbread stuffing, yummy and southern) and get it in the oven, you sorta just wait around to do everything else.  It's when the turkey comes out of the oven that all hell breaks loose.  Not only do you need the drippings from the turkey for the gravy, almost everything else needs the oven* too. Right as everything was being put on the table to eat I reached my frazzle point, but everything made it out fine, everyone sat down, the wine was poured and we ate. 

You know what I didn't realize though? How exhausted I would be after cooking! Who would have thanks that putting on a meal for 9 people would be so tiring?  But it was worth it.  I had a really good time meal planning, cooking and hosting everyone. Everyone liked the food (or else lied very emphatically to not hurt my feelings. And if that's the case then I appreciate it!), everyone got along, and looks like Mike and I are the front runners now for the big holiday gatherings. 

Holiday success!  

*Which is why my dream kitchen has a double oven. I know the only time I would use it would be during the holidays so it's by no means practical. But, oh, the thought of having a double oven in my kitchen, be still my heart!

Where My Mind Goes

Did y'all here about that Target worker who started the petition to not open at midnight?  It's gained national attention but it's totally not going to work.  After creating all the hullabaloo, now this guy doesn't have to work black Friday at all. Which, bully for him.  Yes I'm grumbling some about having to do the same thing myself, but I figured out how to make it work for me and whatever.  I didn't care enough to stir the pot.  And on top of that, my hours changed.  The county that my store is in won't let us open until 6am, so now I go in at 5:30 am and work until 2 pm. So I can get a decent amount of sleep the night before, and have the rest of my Friday to spend with my family.  Thank you Union county!

Anyway, I first hear about the guy via the internets, like you do.  The article starts with a brief intro about the guy and why thanksgiving is important him. Last year he popped the question to his girlfriend, so this thanksgiving they were going to start planning the wedding.

My first thought: (incredulously) They got enagaged last year and they haven't planned the wedding?!?!

one mind

me: Last night in my dream I had a dream.  It was so weird.  But at some point in there, I don't know if it was the dream or the dream within the dream, I dreamed that your ex was trying to get you back.
mike: That's actually funny, because last night I dreamed that your ex was trying to get you back.
me: Whoa. We had the same dream?
mike: Guess so.
me: Cool yet very odd. In my dream your ex showed up to my parents house and claimed you had finish something with work with her.  You actually did have to finish this project so you did, but both of us knew what she was doing.  So I just stood there on the landing shooting you glares to finish up the project as fast as you could and get her out of there.
mike: Ha! Well, there's a negative 90% chance that would ever happen. So you have nothing to worry about.
me: That's good. Oh, and you have nothing to worry about from your dream either.
mike: Yeah? Your ex won't ever try to get you back?
me -snorts- No, he's too lazy!
--mike snicker-- 

Black Friday

When you have a job in retail, you accept that you will have to work on black Friday.  It's just the nature of the beast.  You deal with the crazies and crowds of shoppers for a few hours and you just do it.

I requested to work the early shift on black Friday since I have lots of family coming in for the weekend.  At the time I requested this, my store opened at 3 am.  So I figured I could be at work by 2 am, finished by 10 am at the latest, giving me the rest of the day to spend with my family.  Except now, we open at midnight. So I go to work at 11:45pm thanksgiving day, and work until 8:30 the next morning.  Yeah. 

I considered pulling an all nighter like my daap years. Staying up until I start work, then powering through the rest of my Friday along with everyone else in their right mind who slept through the night. But I know better.  Just because I have done many all nighters, doesn't mean I did any of them well.  Plus I'm 29 years old and I'm too old to be pulling that kind of college kid sh*t.  I'll be cranky and snippy if I don't sleep, and I don't want to ruin anyone's time here just because I didn't get some rest.

So now I plan to have dinner a little earlier, and split my sleep time.  I'll rest a few hours before I leave for work, and then again when I get back home.  I'll get breakfast started and then head back up to bed for a few more hours.  Yeah it's my house and I want to be the one hostessing, but in the milieu of family here are 2 moms and 3 domesticated men to take care of things.  It's the best plan for less than ideal time line.

Retail is a business and I understand that they are just trying to be competitive with each other.  And yeah, I'm going to grumble a little bit, but it's one day.  Like I said, black friday is just part of the nature of the beast.  But the beast didn't have to be a meanie either.

Mother knows best

So. It happened. I've become my mother.

• We sound the same.  People get us mixed up on the phone all the time. Mike mistook me for my mom on the phone once.  And even I couldn't tell a difference one time!  I heard a message I left on their answering machine and thought, "why did my mom leave herself a message and call herself mom?"
• I keep things I have no use for and I can't explain why. (It doesn't mater that I haven't worn my leopard print shoes that are too big in 3 years! I can't give them up!)  However, it is broken and I can't fix it, I throw it out.
• I used to leave coffee mugs in the microwave. Though once I got a really needy microwave that freaks out if you don't come back to get your stuff, I stopped doing that particular thing.  But still, classic (my) mom move.
• I worry
• I can't eat something I cook without commenting on it.  I made this too salty, there's not enough flavor, maybe next time I should add, last time it was....ect.  
• I listen to NPR all the time in the car now.  As a kid I would have killed to listen to music in the car, but now I actively listen to it. I even gave them money this year like a grown up. 
• I search for cool things to watch on PBS. I am not however, a slave to my tv like she is and know how to use my dvr.

And then, finally the piece-de-resistance, the one that made it official:

• I actively search for a shady spot in the parking lot

And this is all for right now. Just wait until I become a mom!

Lets Talk Turkey

No, really, lets talk turkey.

I'm having Thanksgiving this year.  And not just for me and Mike, I'm having thanksgiving for 9 (my parents, my uncle, Mike's parents, brother and his wife) or 10 (my sister) people total. Nine to ten people! (thank heavens our table seats 14).  I'm very excited about everyone coming in and cooking for that many people. I really am. But I'm also slightly terrified. 

I've never made a turkey before.  I've helped my mom previous thanksgivings and I've paid attention to what we were doing, but still, eep.  Those were 12 lb birds.  I was told you need 3 lbs of turkey per person, and that equals 30 lbs. Thirty!  So I did what any woman on her own having her first thanksgiving does: I begged my mom for help. (and cooking supplies. What? What else do you think we registered for?)

It sounds simple enough to roast a turkey in the oven.  Pop the turkey in the oven for some hours based on the amount of pounds, baste every now and again, let it rest a half hour before carving.  But then there are all these nuances you don't think about.  Like how big a turkey to actually get. The Joy of cooking told me 1 lb of turkey per person, my mom told me 3. Do I split the difference and say 2?  That's still a 20 lber! Do I roast breast side up or down?  Foil tent or no? Fresh or frozen turkey?  If I get a frozen turkey, I have to account for thaw time in the fridge. It will take days to thaw a 20 lb bird, and I don't have that amount of time for prime fridge space.  Do I stuff the bird with stuffing or aromatics? (stuffing). What kind of stuffing? (I'm partial to a sausage stuffing myself. Nothing says gluttony like stuffing another kind of meat into another) How about brining the bird?  When do you even do that? After it's thawed completely or during that last day of thawing? Where do you brine it? Do I even have a pot big enough to brine in the first place?

MOM!!!!!!

Dream Woman

me: Hey there's a thanksgiving cooking class this weekend as the groupon. Do you want to do it with me?
mike: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. When is it?
me: There's one Saturday and Sunday, at 2 pm.
mike: Which of those days work better for you?
me: I'm off (work) both those days, so either or.
mike: What time was the one on Sunday?
me: 2 pm
mike: Ok. Lets d---
me: Wait, lets do the Saturday one. Cause 2 pm Sunday is football.
mike: Yes! I was just going to say that!
me: I know what's important baby.
   

Like Columbus, Only with Chocolate

I have finally discovered nutella.  Holy deliciousness batman!

Ok, I've known about nutella for a while now, I just never tried it until recently.  I had a $1 off coupon and it was super double coupon time at my grocery store (they double coupons $0.99 and under on a daily basis, but this particular week they were doubling anything up to $1.98), and it was on sale. So I figured why not?

And I figured out what all the fuss was about.  It's way yummy. I may or may not have licked the knife I used to spread it on my toast.... Now, the only thing I have to do is keep Mike from discovering it.  Cause if he does, nutella is just going to go the same way as chocolate Cheerios do in our house (strait into his tummy), and there won't be any left for me!

all the pies

me: I don't think I have an opinion one way or the other on your tux for the wedding.
mike: (dubious) Really? No opinion? You don't care what I get?
me: Not really. Well, ok. I guess there are some things that I would prefer over other options.
mike: Like what?
me: Well, I'd like for it to be black.  And I know I want vests instead of cummerbunds, and traditional ties instead of bow ties.  I don't want the guys to have tails either.  I would like the point where the jacket closes to be lower on the torso so you can see the vest and tie.  But I don't know if I care about how many buttons the tux has.
mike: Sooo..... no opinion?
me: Oh. Ok. Some opinion.
mike: That's what I thought.
me: Yeah, I know.  I may say I have no opinion, but I think we all know that I have my fingers in every bit of wedding pie there is.

Texting

me: Mom just called. She's on her way.
mike: Well, hopefully she'll be there before you have to go to work.
me: Fingers crossed. She won't be able to get a hold of me there, so she'll more than likely try call you trying to get into the house. Which, does she even have your number?
mike: I think so. I've called her before. You could text it to her just in case...
--here we both start laughing--
me: -snort-- You know my mom doesn't know how to text!
mike: Yeah, as I was saying the words I realized that that wouldn't work.

Yeah, my mom really doesn't know how to use her cell phone. Which is actually pretty funny until you need to get a hold of her.  It's actually my old cell, so she just took over the number when I switched back onto their plan. I think she's finally got in the habit of having it on her, but she still never hears it so she never answers it.  The one time she did pick up I was so surprised I thought I had the wrong number.  I never bother to leave a message because she doesn't know how to check for them, let alone the pin number to access them.  Even the out going message is the message I recorded years ago for my voicemail. Then, when texting became a valid form of communication (though I still abhor text talk and spelling and staunchly refuse to use it), for my mom to use it, I just chalked that up a lost cause.

My First Marathon

I did it! I really did it! I ran/walked 26.2 miles through Savannah, GA on November 5, 2011 . 
Holy crap I DID IT!!!!

My official time was 5:06:22, and it being my first, that makes it a personal best for me.  And I am ridiculously proud of myself.

I started out way to fast so I couldn't keep my pace for the entire race.  I was keeping a really good pace of about a 9:30 mile, but at mile 14 I knew I had to start walking.  I tried to start back up running every so often, but my legs were so tight and my feet were so tired that I could never manage more than a quarter of a mile running and never picked my pace back up. 

But I kept going.  I kept focusing on moving forward, walking long strides, and never stopping.  Because I knew if I stopped, even for a second to stretch or go to the bathroom, I wouldn't have been able to keep going.  And really, I just wanted to finish.  I think I had just passed mile 26 when i saw my sister in the crowds, running towards me and then she fell in step with me.  And it was almost too much for me, being so close and in so much pain.  But she told me I could do it.  That I would be done in 2 more minutes, and I could do anything for two more minutes.  And even though I had been telling myself over and over through the race, I can do this, I can do this, hearing someone else tell you that makes it more believable.    

In the post race glow (also known as sweat) with my finisher's medal around my neck and wrapped in my mylar blanket I was leaning on Mike to help me walk back to the hotel.  I gleefully exclaimed that now that I have done a marathon, I never have to do one again and that I can actually say I prefer to run halves.  Which is true. Training for a marathon is hard and I don't know if I can manage that every year. But then today a coworker asked me how was my trip and what was my time, and all that other race stuff.  I told her my time and that it was a personal best for me.  And then, the next thing out of my mouth was: "but I'll do better on my next one!"    

Savannah

me: Hey Lb, where's convention this yeah? Savannah?
lb: nope, Jacksonville.
me: Oh. I think I'm always hoping that it will be in Savannah.  So I'm just going to keep suggesting it on the off chance that I may be right one year.
lb: You do that.

Turns out, Savannah is too expensive for convention.  So I won't be going there for that anytime in the near future.
However: I am going to go there this weekend. Because I'm running my first marathon there at 7 am Saturday morning..
Which me luck! Epp! 

matter

Yesterday I tried to enroll in a health care plan through work, but my employee number and name didn't bring up any records.  Which is odd and I talked to HR about it since my window for enrollment is still open.  But at the time, I felt like I didn't count with them I guess, and that the last few months have been nothing to them.  Because that was an unproductive portion of my day, in a cart before the horse move, I started to fill out my fasfa just in case I start school next semester. (Hey, wouldn't it be hysterical if I receive financial aid but don't get into grad school? A fcking laugh riot I bet!), but before I could file it, there was a discrepancy between the number of dependents and members living in my house hold.  I claimed that I am single/never married, because I am, but there are 2 of us living in my household.  Which is true, it's dr soc's house and I just live there.  But I guess the government doesn't understand that an "independent student" can still be dependent on other people.  So I had to list that there was no one else in my household.  

And that for some reason, really stung.  My ego was already bruised from applying for a job earlier in the day that I know I'm not really qualified for. My employee info not coming up for health insurance made me feel like I don't belong.  And now I have to say I don't have anyone at home with me.

I just felt like I really don't matter.  And that's a depressing place to go.

Dependant

I may joke about getting used to rejection letters from jobs, but I'm never going to get used to it.  As more and more time passes between the time I recieved my degree and full time employment, I become more and more unhirable.  Yes, I have a part time job and I'm glad I have something and am making some money, but I'm still compleatly dependant on my fiance and my parents. How does that make a person feel good about themselves?

And as much as Mike tries to make me feel better about everything, he doesn't understand.  Even when he wasn't in a career, he was still in school working towards something.  He resigned a job with a horrible boss to start his shiny new teaching carreer in a shiny new city right away.  I don't begrudge him for having these good things because he's worked very hard and deserves them.  But he's not stuck in the shiny new house, in our shiny new city, continiously searching for a shiny new job to start my shiny new career, all while being at the mercy of other people's acceptance. 

But he just doesn't understand how hurtful it is to feel like that you don't matter.  The lump I get my chest as the rejection emails pile up.  To continiuosly come up empty on jobs that I am qualified for. To apply for jobs I'm only partialy qualified for, and then to not even be surprised when I am ignored. 
And even if things just snaped into place that I land a full time job, by the time I'd be on my feet I'll be married, and then dependant on my husband.  I'm never going to be a grown up.