Why Yesterday Sucked

Yesterday at 12:30 I took the GRE. It didn't go well. I was going to take it back in February, but I knew I wasn't ready, so I postponed it to March.

I studied, but not as well as I should have. I made the flashcards. I knew/learned cold about 75% of the top 200 GRE words. I took the practice test. But you know what I learned the most when I was studying? That I hate to study. It's so hard for me to get in that mindset first off, and as I recite words and definitions to the dogs, I keep thinking how much I'm not getting this and I get frustrated. And then I start to feel stupid. Which then sets me down the "who am I kidding I'm not smart enough to get into grad school mindset." I didn't want to keep postponing the test, so I figured I would put on my big girl pants, take the test, get a base score and go from there. By no means did I want to do bad on the GRE, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. And then, being the spawn of asian worry (thanks mom) I psyched myself out all the way leading to test day.

I didn't feel ready, I was nervous, and I had a lot of people cheering for me. Combine that with my self fulfilling prophecy so I took my low score really hard. I actually scored right around average, which isn't bad. It's not stupid, and for goodness sake I'm trying to get into grad school and people who do that are not stupid. But to me, it's a low score, I won't get into school with it, I'm so disappointed and it hurts.

But after the test was when it got worse. I then fought traffic for an hour, my gps got me little lost and I ended up in South Carolina, I was hungry from having just taken a 3 hour test that I didn't do well on, and it was freakishly hot day so I was sweltering in my car. I'm cranky as fck, and I come home to dr soc's hopefulness and phd. And then I read the good luck message my bestest buddy sent me and I am just heartbroken. It's one thing to disappoint yourself, but now I've disappointed other people too. Meltdown number 1 ensues.

Dr soc and I took the dogs for a walk and I started to calm down a bit. And then he got the mail which is nothing out of the ordinary. But what was out of the ordinary was I received a thin letter from the place I interviewed at last week. Thin letters from job interviews are like thin letters from college's you've applied at. And even though I knew what it was before I even opened it, reading we found someone else better fit for this position was the one-two punch my day didn't need. Bring on melt down number 2.

I didn't really want that job to begin with but that doesn't make it sting any less. The timing just sucked on it. Granted, getting it the day before or today wouldn't have been any better, probably worse. But it still sucked.

Monday I'll start over. I'll keep looking for jobs, and I'll figure out when to take the GRE again. I'll study differently and get my scores up. I'll find some sort of income even if it's part time working at target. But for the moment, I'm just going to lick my wounds, wallow in self pity and cry.