Twisted Emotions

Today is my sister's first wedding anniversary! Congratulations!
But since this is my blog, I'm going to talk about me.

Let me preface this with: on her wedding day, I was nothing but happy. The smiles in all the pictures are genuine and the tears on that day were because I was so happy for her. But the day before and after, I was nothing short of a mess. I had left my ex and moved home a little over a week before her wedding. And while I hadn't "officially" called off the engagement, I told family and friends who asked about my fiance that we were no longer together.

I was very torn those days. I desperately wanted to be happy and excited. But I was also wallowing in bitterness and confusion, as well as dealing with the loss of my fiance in addition to somewhat loosing my sister. I sobbed when I saw the chapel the day before. I sobbed right after the rehearsal in my hotel room. I cried silently in the shower the next morning because I woke up alone, and I knew I would be doing that for a long time.

But it was my ex's disregard to my sister's wedding that made me see how selfish he is and how deluded his priorities were/are. For his his sister's wedding 2 years prior, he asked people to cover my work shifts, begged me to skip class to make it to the rehearsal, and assumed my entire weekend was for his sister. And I was only a girlfriend at that point, I knew my place was to sit pretty, make small talk and be a gracious guest. For my sister's wedding, his future sister in law, he bitched to everyone that it was "taking away" the last 2 days of his vacation in Florida. He whined that he had to travel, to Baltimore, (he hates the Ravens so by default hates the city) and was going to miss the last two days of the aforementioned vacation. The vacation he goes on every year. With his parents. Who pay for the entire thing as well.

When I realized he felt this way, I was seething mad. In fact, I was flat out enraged. And at the end of a fight and in the coldest voice I have ever used, told him I didn't want him at her wedding. He was not going to ruin her day for me or her. And he could sleep on the couch that night.

Even though I knew I would have to deflect questions and I would be upset I was alone, him not going was the much lesser of two evils. Because he would have ruined it by being there. He would have sulked and pouted the entire time, and I wasn't going to placate him.

So while I was happy for her on her day and I say I'm over the broken engagement, I'm pretty upset this very moment. Remembering my anger, the disappointment and his selfishness.

It's unfortunate that I won't be able to remember the happiest day of my sister's life without some bitterness. But it is fortunate that it was a deliriously happy day and it's a happy marriage. And one day, mine will be to.