My Ideal Weight

My friend asked me what is my obsession with weight? Umm good question.
It's not so much my weight that I'm super obsessed with, more so my overall body image. Somewhere in that overall image, I made this connection: that if I weigh less, I'm a smaller, littler me. And little me equals pretty, right? Right?

Ok, I know how messed up that is. I'm blaming this severe lack of confidence completely on my ex, when he stopped looking at me. You may think I'm over exaggerating and I should be over it by now, but, it's a hard blow to recover from. There were other issues that lead to our demise and my confidence issues, but this where the bulk of my insecurities stem from. I won't bore you with the details, because well, they depress me. But yeah, he stopped looking, I got insecure and poof here we are.

I'm not doing all this fitness stuff with the goal to loose weight. Honestly. Scouts honor I'm not trying to loose weight. It's just, I know I can be a few (10) pounds lighter because I have been 10 lbs lighter and it was somewhat recently. So I'm not trying to get my 17 year-old self back (because that would be 15 lbs lighter w/no curves. I'll pass). But when I was 10 lbs lighter, well, there was at least some interest from the opposite sex.

I know how whiny this sounds and if I don't keep it myself in check I could very easily wind up down a scary path. So I'm really trying to not focus solely on the number on the scale. I'm focusing on cutting time off my halves, building my endurance, improving my flexibility, and toning up. Other overall health stuff, which will bolster some of my confidence issues as well. But even with all the fitness stuff, the weight is not coming off. I do think it's at least muscle that I'm building and well, that's ok weight. But I don't think I'm slimming down this training. And I need to be ok with that.