I wonder

I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he even thinks about me honestly. I wonder if he misses Bailey. And I wonder, what if I was still waiting on him to decide on me?

But in the midst of all the wondering, there are some things I miss. I miss the companionship (when he paid me any attention that is). I miss being caught red handed watching terrible tv (happened more then I would like to admit). I miss his sigh of content when I ran my fingers through his hair. I miss his ability to interpreting my random noise. I miss the random I love you's whispered in my ear and the kiss that followed. I miss the nights we did homework together, and later when we were out of school, the nights he played xbox while I read on the couch beside him. I even miss arguing who's turn it was to take the dog out while she looked expectantly at us (now it's always my turn). But there are a lot of things I don't miss though.

It's hard not to think about him now that I have the dog. But she's my dog, not ours anymore. And the memories aren't as painful as they once were. They are more along the lines of something you know was there, even if it wasn't remarkable. Sort of remembering what you had for lunch the other day. I wish he was capable of being the man I wanted and deserved, but that's just not who is is.

I don't wish every day like I use to. And I've gone weeks without crying now (yay!). I feel like I really am better (I'm getting help too). All the things I miss are perfectly capable of happening again, with a better guy. But I think part of me will wonder, "what if..." for a long time.