Extremes

Get this: parenting is HARD. Like, soul crushing questioning your entire being day drinking hard. And the pandemic has made that...obvious. And with the girls...there is no middle ground. It’s seems I can only reach the extremes of the emotional spectrum with them. Yes I love them more than than I ever thought possible, so much that my heart will burst. Then 12 minutes (give or take) later, be exasperated with them more than I ever thought was humanly possible.

For example, when Dr Soc has his laser* eyes** put in.

*I am always disappointed laser is not lazer 

**permanent contacts. Not lasik, lazer eyes sound cooler.

Girl 1 was so incredibly empathetic I welled up a bit. She was determined to serve daddy dinner in bed, but since we were having soup she asked him if he wanted me to carry it up on a tray or if he wanted to come downstairs (he chose the latter). So she claimed the last cookie for him. Then when she went to use the bathroom she told him to not look in that direction and when she was turning the lights on/off because he was so sensitive to light (they dilated the fuck out of him and he was hilariously all pupil for 2 days). That entire evening she was incredibly helpful and so gentle and just a great little human. Then the next morning we went to the dentist and she wouldn’t open her mouth and if I hadn’t been getting my own teeth cleaned at the time I would have spit nails.

And girl 2 is...TWO. Adamant in what she wants but can’t articulate it, morphing into a flailing banshee trying to communicate ratcheting my anxiety to an 11. But then she snuggles and cuddles you with pure affection and we’re all laughing with joy.

I know they are both just acting their age and doing the best they can with some BIG emotions. As the grown up I’m the safe space for them to recognize whatever feelings they have and figure out how to cope so they don’t become emotionally stunted adults. It’s just...so, so, so sooooooooooooo...hard

A Lot - or - my 2020 Election Thoughts

In 2016 I wrote how horrified aka scared shitless I was with the presidential election results.  I knew then my husband and I would be okay the next few years.  And we have been.  We've been incredibly fortunate to not only have kept our jobs but also received our paychecks through this pandemic, and neither us or our kids have gotten sick (knock on wood).  Seven weeks ago right after RBG died my visceral reaction was fear.  And then anger immediately after that I was fearful in the first place, and do not regret an iota telling 2020 trump voters to fuck off and choke on their fox news bullshit.

You would be right to assume how relieved I am with the 2020 presidential results.  As of Saturday I feel that I and a lot of others can breathe a little easier. A lot of 2020 people still voted for him because they agree with his vitriol. Because they embrace and/or accept his racism and misogamy.  So it wasn't an easy win. We're still in a dumpster fire. There are still 10 weeks left of the orange asshole and his ass kissing cronies will absolutely aide and abet him. 

So I'm not about to nudge an olive branch to the 2020 trump voters. You don't get to say please be gentle with my hurty feewings after continuously abusing you the past 4 years. "Be kind" is well meant, but understand that it is said from a place of privilege. As much as I want to gloat that Biden won and dance with joy and scream neener neener neener at the top of my lungs...I won't...mostly because I'm afraid I could get hurt. There's still a lot of work to be done, and a lot of damage to undo. There's a lot of a lots. The chance for civility will be a nice change of pace though. 

But still, always: fuck the patriarchy. 

2020 Ire

November 9 2016 I was scared shit-less at the election results. 

Now? In the wake of RGB's death? FUCKING TERRIFIED.

And I'm FURIOUS I'm even scared in the first place. I am not okay! I am actually on the verge of a panic attack I'm so indescribably upset. This is not good. The world is not okay. We are in an orange bully garbage fire while his shrew cronies pour gasoline. And I will not accept this is the world I'm leaving for my children.     

 

You 2016 trump voters: Fuck you.

And you 2020 voters for him? FUCK YOU.  

If you are ashamed to vote for him but do so anyway: fuck your cowardliness.

If you vote for a 3rd party for whatever reason: fuck your narcissism.

If you don't vote at all: fuck your white male privilege. 

What I'm saying is: If you don't vote for anyone except Biden/Harris: FUCK YOU. 

Yeah. I know who you are. I don't care if you have hurty fweeling the same way you don't care about the ramifications of your vote. Go choke on your conservative fox news bullshit.

Talk Bubbles

To the surprise of no one, my girls are talkers. Ironically when they were born they both were so quiet the medical staff was concerned, even though they were perfectly healthy. Yeah, it was odd...

But after that, as soon as they figured out they could vocalize in some way they did. Girl 1 makes articulate affirmations (e.g. mischief, actually, memorized all said clear as a bell and used correctly) and Girl 2 has entire conversations and spouts platitudes in babble. 

And they are both savage AF. 

4.5: Mommy have you shrunk yet?

me: umm, no. I'm not that old* just yet.

4.5: Has daddy? Because he's kind old.*

*Chinese ladies are ageless forever and -poof- look 120 and start shrinking. True fact.

*He turned 40 in February and hehehehe. 

And also:

-sees pregnant mannequin at the store and says very loudly-

4.5: Mommy! That belly is really big - like yours!

me: no honey, there's supposed to be a baby i-

4.5: just like yours!  

SAVAGE.

As for girl 2, I don't know what my 2 year old was actually trying to say, but that had to be the cutest little "bitch bitch bitch" I've ever heard!

 

Happy Birthday Little Lion!

Little Lion is officially 2! I say officially because as soon as this girl could walk she has been running me ragged and been the a quintessential toddler. She is also:

my little climber 

SO proud of herself

My little artist

Have writing utensil - will draw on anything

Rock star

Baby Shark doo doo doo doo 

Big sister adoring

Yeah, she needs the leash

Yogurt loving

(and bath) 

And ice cream adoring

ALL OF IT IN MY MOUTH

Smiling 

Extroverted 

so outgoing

Party girl* 

The most precious, snugly, strong willed, vocal (when frustrated she releases these banshee cries until someone relents and she gets what she wants), most kissable

absolutely most darling little one our family could have

Happy birthday sweetheart! 

*She slams her juice cup down with the enthusiasm of a college kid at a frat party. Speaking of frat parties she wriggles all her sleeveless shirts into togas. Her 21st birthday is on a Saturday (yup I checked). And my personal favorite, before we legit* baby proofed the kitchen, she reached into the party* cabinet and gleefully pulled out a full bottle of wine! 

*put childproof locks on. Previously we had hair ties wrapped around some cabinets because big sister didn't really get into things and also had 2 sets of eyes on her. This one not so much.

*booze, serving platters, fondue pot, punch bowl...aka: party 

Dentist Drama Season Finale

So. The drama continued and concluded the following way:

- Stayed home from the babysitter all week and fell asleep on the bathroom floor for 3 nights, waiting us me out on the mouthwash. So we I conceded that loss. Then cried over my failure while simultaneously impressed at her ferocity. 

- Called our dentist (the one who discovered the cavities) and asked if they would sedate her. The answer: no, they only sedate adults. 

- Took her to a third (in network pediatric) dentist, who confirmed she had cavities, but, surprise! in obstinate 4 year old fashion wouldn't let the dentist actually do anything in their really* cool office. So we made plans to sedate - because it had to get done. In 3 weeks because that's the fist appointment we could get at the dental surgery center.

*I mean for fuck's sake they had a tv mounted on the ceiling and you could pick what tv show you wanted to watch! What the hell kid? This place is awesome!

- Rearranged my work schedule. Again. 

- Continued no treats (except special occasions like mommy's birthday cake).

- Took her to the pediatrician* to get her cleared to have general anesthesia.

*not sure if I'm slightly ashamed or proud that I impressed the pediatrician with my 4 year old wrangling/hog tying skills...  

- And this morning: we sedated. She managed to spit* out the relaxation syrup (yeah, sedation to sedate her) twice.

*once again unsure if  I should be impressed or ashamed 

But when they wheeled her bed back to anesthesiology and I couldn't go with her...my tiny, beautiful girl, I just...mom worry. But less than an hour later she was done and I could see her. She was cranky when she woke up from the anesthesia, but also, that's just my girl. At least now her cavities are fixed! We came home, watched tv, and got panera lunch. We're done! 

- Right. Not done. Because tonight she didn't want to brush those damn teeth causing all this drama because they felt funny but also refused to take any pain medicine for that. So I noped it and walked away. Because no. Just no. I'm done with this drama. Tonight at least. 

And this concludes our 2020 cavity drama theater.  

Dentist Drama

The excitement of Girl 1's first no crying successful* dentist visit was quickly tempered by the discovery of cavities. So a week later we go back to fill them and...nope. Reverted right back to the shrinking/wailing/terrified kid that we had to be referred to a pediatric** dentist. And when we went to that dentist she was even more terrified and screamed even worse, so the only treatment she received was a heavy fluoride treatment and was told to start using a mouthwash. When we go back to the not in network pediatric dentist in 3 months we have to hope that stopped them from growing, otherwise we have to put her under to treat her. All for teeth that she's going to lose eventually anyway. *cries*    

*Both visits prior she shrank into herself (and she's already pretty small) and wailed so much the dentist couldn't do anything in order not to traumatize her. 

**That's not in network. Of course not.

At least the mouthwash would be an easy enough stopgap measure right? *cackle* Fuck NO. The rigmarole at the dentists pales to the tantrums we've endured the past 3 weeks. My daughter fought me tooth and nail on her teeth...and nails* when she was a toddler and it's so. much. worse now.

*yeah, I know. The irony is not lost on me.

We have tried everything: No treats. No screen time. No puzzle with Grandma. We'll get her a Frozen II bed. No berry picking. Bribes. Go out for ice cream. Promises of Panera. Hugs. Kisses. Soothing tones. Screaming. Offering to do it with her. No Stories. Extra Stories. Walking away. And the one we thought would do it: No going to the babysitter's.  

Sunday night I sorta hog tied her with one arm and threw the mouthwash in her mouth while she thrashes and screamed with my other arm. Which went as well as it sounds. Monday night I told her she couldn't leave the bathroom until she did the mouthwash. She was begging to go to her bed (an entirely different battle for another blog for another day) and held on for an hour and a half before falling asleep on the bathroom floor. I was equal parts highly impressed at her ferocious tenacity and completely mortified she was asleep on the bathroom floor. 

 

So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to motivate her. I don't know her it seems. I never say the right things. I can't calm her down. I want to be a positive parent rather than a punitive one. I want to know what to do to help my girl. And I know this takes work but I wish it wasn't so fucking hard. This gargantuan effort it's taking to connect to my daughter makes me feel that I'm failing her. I'm not the parent I want to be and that hurts. And tonight the saga continues. Stay tuned.

Maybe it's

My dad passed away 5 years ago. I'm so good at remembering significant dates in general like birthdays and anniversaries, so I just can't not remember it. Today has been looming over me since June 1st and I've had this dull sense of dread leading up to it. And now it's here and it'll be gone soon and for that I'm relieved, but my heart just...hurts so bad today. 

Maybe it's the mess that is 2020. Maybe it's seeing my kids grow and knowing dad won't meet them on earth. They do lift my heart but today I'm so aware of the break Dad leaving left. Maybe it's all the anger and resentment coming back. Maybe it's not being able to call my mom and sister knowing I'll make them feel worse. Maybe it's wondering if I was kind enough. If he knew how much we love him. Maybe it's that I can only hope I made him happy. Maybe it's thinking it would get a little easier each year when it's not. Maybe it's all those things. Maybe it's none of them.

Today I'll cry and hug my little family tight. I'll change my profile picture and post my words to the internets. I'll miss my dad and think about him all day. 
Love you Daddy.

With-

Ten years ago I emailed my girlfriends I had a date that night with this guy named Mike I had been emailing with for 2 weeks.   

And guess happened? 

I married him and had his babies! And tag him on facebook because that makes it official. 

With my favorite person

Love you dr soc!

THOUGHTS

So. We have Disney + now. Which means we are watching a lot of the stuff from the vault. As an adult I have THOUGHTS and then tweet them:

While watching Little Mermaid:
-Thought 1: give up your voice and change everything about yourself for a boy.
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Not a message I want to encourage at all
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-Thought 2: Ursula has the best villain song. This is fact
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-Thought 3: Arial is a complete simpleton on land with Eric and he finds that endearing?
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-Thought 4: hold on, Flounder got the life size stone stone statue to her treasure grotto, but he’s struggling now to get Arial, an experienced swimmer btw, to the wedding boat
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-Thought 5: she signed a contract Triton, if you really want her to learn her lesson this might be the way
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-Thought 6: how did Eric see them, let alone find them under the sea? Is the water that clear? Must have been before we polluted the world
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-Thought 7: wait isn’t she 16? And getting MARRIED? And her dad is okay with this?? WTF. King Triton is a dolt.
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-And finally- Thought 8: 4yo: why did she (Ursula) get power now? What made her so mean mommy? .
Me: the patriarchy

While we were watching Lady in the Tramp:
Watching the 1955 version of Lady and the Tramp.
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SO. RACIST.
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Though I will say all of (dog) Lady‘s troubles started due to an old white (human) lady’s fragility
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Lady was running around following a boy and she’s the one caught and tossed in the pound.
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I turned that into a life lesson for my girl

And most recently while watching Frozen: 
Watching Frozen 4yo: why did Hans put Elsa in jail?? Me: because he is afraid of a powerful woman.
4yo: why is he afraid? Me: the patriarchy