Juxtaposition

I am dealing with two very big, but also very different things in my life right now.  My wedding, which I am incredibly happy and will babble on and on about, and my dad's condition, which I am incredibly morose and overwhelmed by.

It's very odd to be on both and opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. And they are seemingly unrelated to each other, but they also intertwine with each other at the strangest times.  One moment I'm crying in frustration about my dad's condition, and an hour later I'm giddily trying on my wedding dress and crying with happiness. 

I can compartmentalize at times, so I can feel completely happy when I should, and also sad when I should.  I can not mesh those two things and not feel twinges of a particular emotion when experiencing the others.  Other times I'm not quite as deft and emotions get mixed up.  But I really don't know if it's better to manically swing from one end of the scale to the other, or if I keep things jumbled up.  It's exhausting going back and forth.  And it's confusing to be both.  It's just, well, it's odd.

Math Problems

Today is my dad's 67th birthday. Two weeks ago was my 29th birthday, so if you do the math, that means he was 2 weeks shy of of his 38th birthday when I was born. 

If someone asked me how old my dad was though, I always had to think about it, and then, do the math.  Though despite my math prowess, adding 38 to my age always flummoxed me.  But after years of simply trying to add two numbers in my head failed me, I finally figured out a way that was easier for me.  Now, I add 40 then subtract 2.  Yep, I added an extra step. 

Math prowess indeed!

Happy birthday dad!

Fashion show! Fashion Show! Fashion show at lunch!

I tried on my wedding dress for the first time!  There are not enough exclamation points in the world to convey how happy I am about that.  When the dress first arrived there was no reason for me to try it on, so it waited patiently for me in a closet in Lexington until the time was right. And then, once the time was right, I couldn't wait to put it on for the first time.

However, I did have to wait a little bit, because like I said, the dress was in a closet in Lexington.  And every time I was in close enough proximity to it, so was my future husband.  And while I may not be the most traditional of brides in some aspects, I DO NOT want my fiance to see that dress or me in it until I am walking down the aisle to him.  But I'm visiting Lex by myself this week, so I finally, finally, got to put on the dress I have been wanting to wear for as long as I can remember. 

So before lunch today, stepped into my wedding dress for the first time.  It needs to be taken in in some places, and other places I can't gain an ounce, but it was wonderful.  Wonderful, happy and so hopeful.  But really, just so, so, so happy.

SQUEEEEE!!! 

Boy Logic

mike: I'm going to start some laundry.
me in my head: what an awesome husband to be!
me out loud: Cool. What are you going to wash?
mike: The whites. Or the colors. Do you have more pressing need for either of those?
me: Nope.
mike: Ok. Though they are both sort of small, I may combine the loads.
me in my head: NOOOOOOO!!!
me out loud: Um, don't do that.
mike (slightly confused): Uh, ok. How come?
me in my head: Seriously he doesn't know that? That's like a cardinal rule of laundry!  Oh, right, I live with a boy.
me out loud: The colors could bleed.
mike: Um ok...
me in my head: quick, must think of another reason justifying 2 small loads of laundry! Oh! Our washer is smart! Yes! That may work!
me: Honey, we have a smart washer, it knows how much water to use.
mike: Oh. Ok. Really?
me in my head: Hell if I know.
me out loud: Yep.
mike: ok
me in my head: Phew!

Darling, I love you more than words can ever say and I appreciate everything you do.  Forgive me, I just couldn't help but tease a little.

Ham on Rye

For some of us, there comes a point in your life when you enter the sandwich generation. It's when you are taking care of aging parents and young children simultaneously.

I'm approaching that gateway.  I guess right now I'm more of an open-faced sandwich, because I don't have young kids to take care of yet.  And I'm also not physically taking care of of my dad since my parent's live 400 miles away.  So I'm just trying to tell my mom things from a distance.  So since I'm not really doing any actual care taking, I'm not really part of a sandwich at all. 

But I will be.  One day I'll have young kids, and fingers crossed, I'll have at least one parent left at that time too.  I don't know how much longer I have with my dad.  And not in that figurative we never know what time will bring us way.  With his disease, our time is now limited.  We may have 12 years, we may have 2.  And yes it breaks my heart to acknowledged that, to realize that you and those you love are not immortal. 

I don't want to be a part of the sandwich generation just yet.  But if being there means that I still have my family, then ok.  I'll be a sandwich.  I'll be a ham on rye, just hold the mustard.

Remember When

Dr soc and I went to see Harry Potter 7.2  this afternoon after my family left from visiting this weekend.
First, there were people there dressed up in the proper Hogwarts house of their choosing. I know this because I first saw them posing for pictures in the bathroom, and secondly, they also sat right next to us. Of course I mocked them a little. I'm a fan of the series and all, but I'm not a dress up type of fan.

Second. We saw a matinee showing.  So the tickets were $5 a piece, which was awesome.  I mean, it's a different time of day, it's not like the 8 pm movie is any different than the 2 pm movie.
Mike and I liked the movie itself, but what Mike really liked was the matinee price.  So as we're
driving home this is the conversation we had:

mike: I liked that the tickets were $5 each. 
me: Hey remember when $5 was the night time price for a movie ticket?
mike: Yeah, I do. That was a while ago.
me: Remember when we didn't say remember when?
mike: -sigh- Yeah...that too.

Happy birthday to me!

It's my (first, and real) 29th birthday today!


Happy birthday to me indeed!

I'd say my 28th year had a lot going on.  Some happy, some not so happy, but still lots going on!  For example. 

• My dad was diagnosed.  By no means is that happy, but it changed my life.
• I got my bachelors degree!  I am very proud of myself for that.  The stats are that 24% of the US population has a bachelors degree.  And now, I'm part of that 24%. So you know what, I am special.     
• I moved to Charlotte and in with dr soc.  You learn a lot when you live with someone, but it's been pretty good this learning process.  
• The rapture.
• And the love of my life asked me to be his forever.  

There's a lot to look forward to for 29.  My first marathon in a few months, hopefully getting into grad school, and also, this fancy, party thing Mike and I are throwing that we just happen to be getting married at.  I have a feeling that it will be a big year.

 

I'm so incredibly lucky.  Happy birthday to me!

Teeny-Tiny

I had to get my engagement ring re-sized.  As much as I really didn't want to take it off and hand it over*, it spun just a bit too much for everyone's comfort. A few years ago I was a 5, a bit smaller than average, but not ridiculously tiny.  When dr soc and I were ring shopping, he was smart enough to get me sized instead of just taking a blind guess in the dark.  And at the time, a size 5 still fit it seemed.

When dr soc put his ring on my finger, it slipped on no problem.  I also squeed and cried no problem.  And it spun no problem too.  This was back in May. So now that it's July, and 90-something degree days are the norm, my fingers are as puffy as they are going to get.  And now that I've just starting to train for my marathon, I may slim down a bit. Not to mention in winter, my hands tend to get smaller.  So if my ring was spinning now, it was more than likely going to continue to do so for a while from here on out. 

So I went to the jeweler and reluctantly handed over my shiny.  But I had to figure out what size I was now.  Turns out, I'm now a size 4 1/2.  Yeah.  Four and a half.  Even I can't deny how small that it.  So I finally just acquiesced to the fact that I am indeed, a very tiny woman.

*Seriously, I was not happy about giving it back. I whined almost every day "I miss my ring!"  And then when the jeweler unwrapped it and handed it back to me, I clapped my hands and squealed  like a seal.**
**Of course she laughed. I didn't mind, I'm amused at my own excitement.  

Twin birthday

Happy birthday Bailey! Four on the 4th!  I made her a cake which she and Jules gobbled up as fast as they could. I'd post a video, but it's not loading properly and I don't feel like working on that.  But trust me, it was cute.

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I've had a dog for almost 3.5 years.  That in such a short amount of time I she went from this: 

The day after I adopted her! 12 lbs, so small and squirmy!

To this:

Four years old! 50 lbs and still squirmy.

Now that she's a mature 4 year old, I expect she'll behave as such.  
Snort. She's still a spaz and as crazy as ever. And now that she's got a sister, she's got someone to be crazy with. 

That is, of course, when not napping.

I just love her to pieces, and she'll always be my first "kid."  When I look at her, I see my pretty pretty spaz, her ninja tail wagging, and a tongue ready to lap you with kisses.  But I also see my friend, I see loyalty, and I see love.

So happy birthday Bailey girl! I hope I get to make you birthday cakes for at least 10 more years! 

Clown-phobia (honey, don't read this post)

My fiance hates clowns.  I'd say he's terrified of them.* So much so that he doesn't want anything to remotely resemble one even if the purpose of the thing is to be destroyed.  Like this cake: 


a smash cake** for a circus themed 1st birthday party

While searching for a dog birthday cake recipe, the above cake was listed as a previous post in this baker's blog.  Knowing full well of my fiance's abhorrence of clowns, I ask: hey, would you be ok with a clown smash cake?
him: NO. What's a smash cake?
me: A cake you give to a baby for the purposes of smashing.
him: Oh. Still. NO.
me: Ok. I just thought you may** be ok with it since it is going to be destroyed.
him: NO. There is nothing celebratory about them.

* We can all assume I will be the ones taking our future kids to the circus.
**A little cake given to the birthday tot*** to mush and smush all they want.  And, if they have the dexterity, maybe get some in it's mouth/tummy.  I'm sure it creates moments of glee, loads of embarrassing pictures to be shown to future prom dates, and a sugar-fueled messy tot.  I for one, can't wait to do this for Sharktopus and Dinocroc.  (see, naming or future spawn for clarification, if needed)
** Of course I knew he wouldn't be ok with it. I am well aware of his phobia, but, I just can't help but to tease every now and again. (I love you honey!)
*** Can grown-ups get in on this action?****
****Actually, on second thought, never mind.  Mushing cake does seem like a fun idea, but really, it's just a waste of cake and wasting cake is a crime.

Bubble of Tulle path

Fiance was on the phone with his brother last night so I was tooling around on the knot.  Though I already have my dress, I ended up looking in the gown section, mostly out of curiosity's sake. 

Here is a synopsis of my click path:

• Wedding dress trends of 2011. Straps and butterflies are in. So are blush wedding gowns.
• 10 things you need to know/do after you get the dress. 
• Find the best accessories for your dress and personal style. 
• Here I detoured to the 10 commandments of wedding bands, but that was lame so I went back to finding my accessory style.
• Need help with your something blue? Try these 5 hot ideas. (yes, $1,115 sapphire earrings are indeed a great something blue.  And so reasonable!)
• Accessories dictionary, what is what?
• Are you a veil bride or a hair bride? (I'm both. The knot only allows you to be one or the other. So this article was no help to me whatsoever.)
• What kind of lingerie fits me best. (None of your business!)
• Tips for finding the best underwear for under your dress.
• What kind of pantyhose should I opt for on my wedding day.

At that point, I tweeted: the knot has a whole article on what pantyhose is best to wear under my dress. Oh god no, I am NOT wearing any pantyhose.

--12 seconds later--
I need to get off the knot don't I?

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Coffee may keep Alzheimer's at bay according to this study.  That's great. It really is.
But, that doesn't fix my dad.  Because he doesn't have Alzheimer's, he has dementia.  Alzheimer's is the most common type of dementia, so we're dealing with a different monster.  It's just that Alzheimer's gets all the attention.
Because what about the rest of us suffering from the other types of dementia? (WARNING: DO NOT GO DOWN THE INTERNET RABBIT HOLE OF HEALTH)  Why aren't there studies for my dad's disease?  Why doesn't his condition, which is the worst of the fucking worst getting the research, the breakthroughs, the drugs and the press that Alzheimer's does?  Why don't we even get a sliver of good news? 

I don't believe that the doctors and researchers are doing nothing.  I know this disease is so complex and uncharted territory.  I don't think that any disease is less worthy of study (well, maybe peripheral diseases like ED and constant dry eyes.  Seriously. let's fix people's brains before we worry about how to let old men have boners)  I empathize for people and family struggling with Alzheimer's, I do.  It's heartbreaking to be in this situation and to see someone you love struggle.  I'm just angry and I miss my dad.  I want some good news.  But what I really want, is hope.